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My ex wife had similar behaviours - sudden personality change, she would hold her face differently, refuse to answer questions, wanted me gone, our relationship was suddenly all bad...

she never shook it off. She never went back to the normal that I ever knew. She didn’t just walk away from me, she walked away from all of our friends and much of her own family.

It happens. And it’s weird and it sucks but it happens.

Flip the script. Make things hard for her. She sleeps on the couch. She explains things to family. She figures out her life.

You go do you. Disconnect. Act single. Get a lawyer. Tell the family that she has decided to be with someone else and doesn’t want this life any more.

The EA isn’t over. And it’s probably not an Emotional Affair, it’s just an affair.
 

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At this point, unless you get on offense, your family doesn't stand a chance.
You need to take control. You have to blow it up to save it. Shock and awe all the way.
Get a hold of her phone. Copy and secure the texts.
Her ass goes to the couch.
Find out what you can about her "Little Buddy." Find out if he is married. With your wife present, ring her up. Let her know what is going on. Offer to share the evidence. Set up an appointment at a public venue.
Dial up "Loverboy" on his cell. Tell him that you are not going to stand in the way of true love, that in reading all the texts you have realized that it is pure destiny that they are together, you are going to make it happen, and you need to know where to deliver her s**t. He won't be expecting any of this. He might bail.
Make sure to have plenty of boxes and trash bags on hand. Be nice, buy the heavy duty trash bags.
Use social media to let everyone know of her transgressions, and that you are now on the open market.
Meanwhile, the next day at work, have her served with divorce paperwork.
Take every possible step to blow up her little world. You will see if it is salvageable.
Tell her that she has the time to make her case for reconciliation up until the time the divorce is final.
You give her a list of requirements to make you and the kids safe. Tell her you will judge how well she "Walks" the list.
Tell her her sincerity, remorse, and desire will be the criteria you will use to determine if she is worthy of the gift.
Keep her feet to the fire and the pressure on her.
 

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I think it's detrimental that you are letting the kids sleep in the living room with you. The kids should be sleeping in their rooms in their beds. They don't need to be part of the "let's show Mom how close we are, sleeping together, and Mom isn't" show.
 

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At this point, unless you get on offense, your family doesn't stand a chance.
You need to take control. You have to blow it up to save it. Shock and awe all the way.
Get a hold of her phone. Copy and secure the texts.
Her ass goes to the couch.
Find out what you can about her "Little Buddy." Find out if he is married. With your wife present, ring her up. Let her know what is going on. Offer to share the evidence. Set up an appointment at a public venue.
Dial up "Loverboy" on his cell. Tell him that you are not going to stand in the way of true love, that in reading all the texts you have realized that it is pure destiny that they are together, you are going to make it happen, and you need to know where to deliver her s**t. He won't be expecting any of this. He might bail.
Make sure to have plenty of boxes and trash bags on hand. Be nice, buy the heavy duty trash bags.
Use social media to let everyone know of her transgressions, and that you are now on the open market.
Meanwhile, the next day at work, have her served with divorce paperwork.
Take every possible step to blow up her little world. You will see if it is salvageable.
Tell her that she has the time to make her case for reconciliation up until the time the divorce is final.
You give her a list of requirements to make you and the kids safe. Tell her you will judge how well she "Walks" the list.
Tell her her sincerity, remorse, and desire will be the criteria you will use to determine if she is worthy of the gift.
Keep her feet to the fire and the pressure on her.
^^^^ yep! Do this!
And don’t back down one bit if she begs you to stay married! Words are NOTHING at this point... she must earn her respect back with solid, consistent actions that show she is trustworthy - which takes a long time!

in the meantime - stay neutral - meaning show no emotions to her whether happy or sad. Just neutral.

The reason she doesn’t care about you is because she is TOTALLY interested in someone else!
 

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1. Fire your therapist. If you go to another one, find one who has counseled betrayed spouses. Throwing everything back on you when your wife is cheating is almost tantamount to justifying her affair.

2. Boundaries. She doesn't get to have a password protected phone. You have all her passwords. She doesn't get to have contact with this dude.

Put your kids in their rooms, and move back into your bedroom. If she's uncomfortable she can have the couch.

Basically di the opposite of what the nice guy in you thinks you should do.
 

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1. Fire your therapist. If you go to another one, find one who has counseled betrayed spouses. Throwing everything back on you when your wife is cheating is almost tantamount to justifying her affair.
I agree with this entirely. Your IC is just not equipped to help with your marriage. Even if the affair wasn't an issue, your IC can't just choose to ignore the elephant in the room. The break down of your marriage is why you went to IC in the first place. Get a new IC.

Strat, you have to realize that your wife is thinking very differently than you are right now. She seems fine with your new arrangement. If she hasn't explicitly told you she's not okay with how things are, anything you think about her guilt or shame is just guessing. She's not acting ashamed. She's acting like she likes sleeping alone and likes having you as a roommate while she does whatever she wants with her OM and isn't accountable for it.

In your mind right now it seems like you're not acting because you're giving her a chance to change before you go for divorce and once you do for a divorce, it's all over. That's not actually true or what frequently happens in these cases. Even if you file for divorce tomorrow, you will have to wait months, possibly even years, before it's all over. Really divorce is just the beginning of the end. Even if you file tomorrow, your wife has many MANY chances to stop what she's doing and turn back towards the marriage and you can choose to be open to that if she does what is needed. Since she is comfortable right now and does not care that your marriage has degraded, she may need that push in order to make a decision between you and OM. You do not have anything to lose by filing for divorce and seeing where things go while you still think reconciliation is a possibility.
 

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^^^^ yep! Do this!
And don’t back down one bit if she begs you to stay married! Words are NOTHING at this point... she must earn her respect back with solid, consistent actions that show she is trustworthy - which takes a long time!

in the meantime - stay neutral - meaning show no emotions to her whether happy or sad. Just neutral.

The reason she doesn’t care about you is because she is TOTALLY interested in someone else!

Exactly. To break the strategy down more:
Loverboy is the new and exciting toy.
OP is the solid and steady "Plan B."
The strategy is to make Loverboy bail and see that her "Plan B" is working on becoming "Plan Bye-Bye."
No new toy and no safety net? What's a cheat to do?
That is how you modify the egregious behavior, and gain control of the dynamic.
That way, you can see if there is anything meaningful to work with and you make the decision regarding reconciliation.
OP needs to do what is in his and his kids best interests, but she needs to experience pain compliance, serious consequences, and demonstrate evidence that she has corrected whatever malfunction(s) that led to the betrayal.
 

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What is the update?

the problem here is that you care too much for her and her bad behavior and she simply doesn’t care at all!

until you completely change those dynamics - she holds all the power - controls the relationship - all to the demise of the marriage.

get to a point where you don’t care and SHE needs to make effort to resurrect that marriage, or not!
 

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@stratdude get tested for STDs. Then, and this is to prove a point as to how badly your wife has impacted on, get your children tested for a DNA match.

Also, whilst I can sort of see your counsellor's point, if you are stuck in your progress by your wife's unreasonable behaviour, his refusal to help you might be a clue that you need a better counsellor?
 

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Here is the problem -- if your wife still works with this guy, she is STILL in the affair. She is just hiding it better.
Get her phone, recover the texts, make sure you expose ALL of this to her/your family.
Find out if this guy is married -- get the goods on them from folks you still know at the job.
If he has a GF or married, expose to THEM also.

Her getting mad at YOU for HER having an affair -- yeah, NO WAY. You are taking too much on as your fault. This is HER fault.
If she had such a problem to go seek out another man, then she should have divorced you first.
 

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So because she feels guilty of the EA you have to suffer and she has to play the victim?! She needs space?! Give her space but forcing you to give up your bed is not the right way. She has no right to do it! She needs to punish herself if she feels bad, not you. All her drama is pointless.
 

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I understand about what you are saying about falling into the trap. The thing is you didn’t cross the line into cheating. You stopped it before it got to that point. Your wife didn’t.

Three months is enough time for your wife to have figured out what she wants. I don’t suggest giving her an ultimatum about the future of your relationship. What I do suggest is that you see a lawyer and start putting your ducks in a row. Get everything lined up especially child custody. I suggest 50:50 with you being the primary.

I really think the only way your wife will wake up is by being served with divorce papers.

Does she work with the OM?
 

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I understand about what you are saying about falling into the trap. The thing is you didn’t cross the line into cheating. You stopped it before it got to that point. Your wife didn’t.

Three months is enough time for your wife to have figured out what she wants. I don’t suggest giving her an ultimatum about the future of your relationship. What I do suggest is that you see a lawyer and start putting your ducks in a row. Get everything lined up especially child custody. I suggest 50:50 with you being the primary.

I really think the only way your wife will wake up is by being served with divorce papers.

Does she work with the OM?
In general I agree with this, but I think it's important to remember that while he may have stopped things sooner then his wife, it was still going to damage the marital bond, and it's not clear to me how that was repaired.

I do think that there isn't much to work with if she's waffling on what she wants, and filing might be his best option here, but it's unhelpful to pretend his emotional involvement with another womam didn't impact his marriage. Guaranteed whatever he was putting into the emotional relationship with the coworker he wasn't putting into his marriage.

It's something to address if they ever decide to reconcile and when he's contemplating what he can learn from this.
 

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Three months, sleeping on the couch, bs. Put a stop to your misery. If you haven’t exposed, do it. If she’s still working with him, you know it’s ongoing no matter what she says.
you’re standing in a weak position so if I were you, “only my opinion “ I would just file and have her served at work. It’s been said many times that to save a marriage, you may have to lose it. Can go either way, but both get you out of infidelity.

The biggest thing that I see is that this has been going on for three months. Bite the bullet and be proactive rather than reactive.

Remember, this is just my opinion. I wish you and your family peace and hope things come to an end in a good way, whichever it may be.

OT
 
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