[hurtingbadly]

I'm trying to find us a new marriage counselor and it's been a PITA. Our first one caused more damage than good. She's the one that told me in front of him I didn't need to know any details, all I needed to know was that he cheated. Thus, here I am a year later still getting trickle truth and comments from him like, all you need to know is I cheated.

Anyway, he told me this morning to look up marriage counselors. I've been looking on the computer for over two hours. I have an IC who will see us together, but we both agree we need something more. Our insurance won't pay for marriage counseling so we wasted over $1,000 on the first one we saw. I'm trying to pick carefully...

I have found a couple that specialize in the Gottman approach? Anyone know anything about this?

I don't want to go back to another counselor who puts the blame on me and he comes out feeling justified and like he doesn't have to disclose any information. Get my drift?

 

[Hope1964]

It's based on the book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. GREAT book. Our first MC used his approach and introduced us to the book. But that approach doesn't guarantee that the counselor won't do what your last one did. It doesn't really have much to do with infidelity.

 

[BjornFree]

There is a world of difference between knowing that a problem has occurred and analyzing the problem in detail. I think your marriage counselor was a bad investment. Alas I can't answer your question.

 

[In_The_Wind]

I would suggest finding a marriage and family counselor, if you have a local graduate school most of them have marriage and family centers and offer counseling on a sliding scale with graduate students who are training to be marriage and family therapist they are over seen by a local professional the wife and I used one it was awesome that was 3 yrs ago so i guess it worked we recently celebrated 12 yrs of marriage

 

[hurtingbadly]

OK, one counselor contacted me back. She says she uses Gottman for couple counseling, but when there is infidelity involved she uses Glass's approach similar to what is in chapter 8 in her book. I think this sounds promising? Thoughts? She said she believes the story of the affair is important for me to heal.

 

[Hope1964]

That would be Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends? If so, that sounds really good to me. If you haven't read that book, do so. It is awesome.

 

[GottmanInst]

Hoping to provide some insight on Gottman Method Therapy from the Gottman Institute! Dr. Gottman's latest book, entitled "What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal," speaks to the subject of infidelity. In Chapter 10 ("Recovering from Infidelity"), Dr. Gottman says:

"If you conclude that your relationship is worth salvaging, find an experienced counselor or therapist who is effective in working with couples coping with infidelity. Therapists employ all kinds of approaches. In my approach, I believe that it is the professional's job to 'get' the wounded spouse's thoughts and emotions and then describe them to the therapist eloquently and with deep empathy. In effect, the therapist bridges the gap between the partners by articulating with great precision what the hurt spouse is feeling and ensuring that the other fully understands."

This excerpt is especially applicable to your concerns: "Among the 'musts to avoid' is any therapist who suggests that you not discuss the betrayal and let bygones be bygones. Just moving on with your relationship is a terrible idea, even if the affair happened 20 years ago. You cannot heal until you have processed the trauma."

The Gottman systen for healing after an affair is founded in 35+ years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman, which confirm the effectiveness of the exercises provided in the book (the attunement-based art of intimate conversation, the Blueprint, and the Aftermath Kit) as well as the 7 Principles. The method leads couples through three stages of healing: Atone, Attune, Attach.

If you are interested in speaking with a Certified Gottman Therapist (not someone who just uses the Gottman approach in their practice), please visit Gottman Therapist Search. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact us! Our contact information can be found on our webpage at Relationship Institute - Couples Therapy, Workshops, and Training

We hope that this answers some of your questions.