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Your posts show little or no remorse for what you have done. Are you actually sorry for the affair or sorry that you were caught?

You post your problems and then say that is not a reason for your affair, then why did you bring them to light? Are you trying to say you are a victim? You have not taken responsibility for the actions that you have done.

You post about previous desires you said you and your wife had, though you temper it with saying your wife is no longer interested leaving me to think again you are trying to say your wife somehow lead you down this path, again trying to have another have some responsibility for your action.

You had the affair with your neighbor.
You knew it was wrong.
You would not have stopped but your neighbor found out.

Until you are willing to face what you have done, you are not going to repair it.

Tell your wife.
Sell your house and move.
Find your conscious, YOU DID THIS. YOU DESTROYED YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU NOW HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY TO REBUILD A NEW MARRIAGE OR ALLOW YOUR WIFE TO MOVE ON, IF SHE WANTS TO, OR IF YOU ARE GOING TO CONTINUE AS A S**M BAG AND CONTINUE TO HURT HER AND YOUR FAMILY.

Grow a Pair.
 
About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from my neighbor, and also a good friend, saying that he knows I have been romantically involved with his wife. We have been neighbors for abt 3 years, our kids are similar in ages and play together all the time. This infidelity started about 3 months ago via text. My neighbors wife "Fran" and I started texting each other innocently enough, and then one night after I had been drinking a little, I sent an inappropriate text and instead of being shut down, received a rebuttal text that was just as risque... This is when it began.
A background of our families; they have been married for about 13 yrs, i have been married for 7.
We got caught cause she wrote a detailed letter and he found it, ironically the letter was a prelude to ending this. She is a really good person who apparently was having a hard time in her marriage. They had problems way before any of this started. Im not sure if thats why she opened up to this relationship, or if there were other reasons.
He has been a gentleman throughout this entire ordeal. He has not told my wife, cause he doesn't want to break up our family, which i am obviously greatful for, but just makes me feel that much more horrible. His wife and my wife are very good friends, and as much as i don't want her to know for my own selfish reasons, i also would hate for her to feel uncomfortable in our neighborhood and lose one of her closest friends.
I know I am a complete scumbag, i never meant for things to go where they went. They are a beautiful family, and the thought of them falling apart because of me is tearing me up inside. I need to know if there is anything i could possibly do to make things better. The amount of self hate I have is enormous. Thank you for reading and any comments you may have, negative or positive.
Did I miss something? I don't see anywhere in here the details of the affair other than an inappropriate text. I mean, that's bad, but did you, or did you not, sleep with her?
 
I'm really puzzled... Your relationship between you and your wife seems to be the LAST priority out of all of the strings. You're worried about the other husband, about your wife and the OW... But you express very little concern for your relationship with your wife.

Thoughts?

C
EXACTLY: how's your marriage??????
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What an arrogant, manipulative, controlling SOB.

You're going to try to trick your wife into 1) staying married to an adulterer, and 2) remaining friends with a woman who has disrespected her in the most egregious manner possible by witholding vital information to which she's entitled?

Your wife deserves to make her own decisions and is entitled to all the information she needs to make those decisions.

Holy sh!t! If my wife had tricked me into being friends with her OM, the level of disgust I felt toward her would be unmeasurable.

You're not treating your wife as an equal human being, you're treating her like a houseplant.

What a loser . . .
 
Her husband found out about the affair because he found a letter she wrote to break off with you.

It sounds like you were planning to just continue the affair.

She might have gotten caught on purpose. It makes no sense at all for her to write you a letter when you live next door. All she had to do was to talk to you.

I bet that if you do nothing, she will drop hints to your wife.

I'm sure if you had gone to another relationship message board, a few people would probably tell you that your wife will have to suck it up for the sake of the kids and already nice arrangement of neighbors /friends/ family.

I believe in family loyalty and over the years, it has pissed me off when my older sister and mother have both hung on to my ex (bf in this case) and to my brother's ex wife. I have never understood what they got out of it other than arguments and ill feelings from myself and my brother.

the husband is going to watch you like a hawk now, so you're no longer friends with him. He may badmouth you to other people. ie "Hide your wives......" The wife could purposely put you in an uncomfortable position knowing that she has something over you...... and wouldn't that be awful if their kids knew about it before yours did.......

If the only way that your wife can get away from the predator next door is to move /divorce you, then you will have preserved nothing anyway.
 
I know what you mean PBEAR. I have asked myself that question as well, I think its because I may be over confident in how well she is going to take the news. That or the fact that she doesnt know and I'm concentrating my energies on the husband who does know.
That seems rather foolish, don't you think? After all, he is not the only one who "knows". You know. The OW, his wife, knows. The only person in this whole charade who doesn't know (yet) is your W. Every day you are allowing your W to be manipulated by you and the OW, while the husband (who knows) has something to hold over your head for the rest of your marital life.

Your W WILL find out. Your W will be hurt. Your W is entitled to know the truth and to respond according to her own terms.
 
Dude...

DUDE!!!

You have to tell your wife. For two good reasons:

1. You wronged her and she deserves to know the truth. You better be prepared to beg for mercy.

2. The next time the husband drinks too much, or they have a fight, or he's sitting there looking at you and knowing you banged his wife? It's allllll going to come out and your wife will know. Who knows, THEY may even start an affair in commiseration. Wouldn't that be a nice example for the kids?
 
What an arrogant, manipulative, controlling SOB.

You're going to try to trick your wife into 1) staying married to an adulterer, and 2) remaining friends with a woman who has disrespected her in the most egregious manner possible by witholding vital information to which she's entitled?

Your wife deserves to make her own decisions and is entitled to all the information she needs to make those decisions.

Holy sh!t! If my wife had tricked me into being friends with her OM, the level of disgust I felt toward her would be unmeasurable.

You're not treating your wife as an equal human being, you're treating her like a houseplant.

What a loser . . .
Yeah, my husband had a nearly 3-year affair with our neighbor. All along he strongly encouraged the two of us to be friends. After I found out about the affair, he still wanted all of us to be friends. He couldn't wrap his head around why I didn't think that would be a good idea.

Because he's a manipulative, selfish, entitled asshat.

There's very little more degrading than your spouse cheating. The only thing I can think of, in fact, is your spouse cheating with your friend. Double betrayal from two people who profess to care about you.

OP, your OW is not a good person. And she is most certainly not a friend to your wife.
 
@ Regga, I deserve the stones... I love my wife more than anything. We have always had somewhat of an odd relationship. We tried swinging a while back, have had a few "interesting" moments with other couples and she has in the past told me how the thought of me being intimate with another woman turns her on. But she runs hot and cold with these ideas where i am constantly running hot. She even gave me a hall pass with the exception of neighbors and friends, ironically i f***ed that up. I know she will forgive me, at least i hope she will forgive me, I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up. I know its a confusing situation. I hate knowing how badly i hurt this guy.
This may be your saving grace in telling your wife, the propensity for an open marriage. If you decide to tell your wife (you probably should) be sure to inform/ask your neighbors and see if they believe this is necessary. Judging by your neighbors reaction, perhaps they are not devastated by this affair. Maybe your neighbor, the husband, is seeing someone else as well, maybe he has been intimate WITH YOUR WIFE (wouldn't that be convenient, perhaps you all could swing) and maybe they are willing to let it go and forget, it can get buried in the past.
Let this unfold a bit (few more days?) before you take drastic action, the affair seems quite short-term and you were breaking it off of your own volition, this seems like a forgivable affair.

A word about TAM, there are a lot of people who have been destroyed by affairs on this site, me included, and I am 100% opposed to them, however I concede there are affairs that are quite forgivable, and forgetable, perhaps this is one of them.

Most important is to keep marriage with children in them together, in my opinion. Divorce is the last option.
 
This guy is still in the fog and seems more worried
about covering his tracks than fixing the mess he created.

Listen man, your wife is going to find out.
The longer you wait, the more pain it will cause.
There is no avoiding it, so take your medicine.

Stop trying to jump ahead of yourself and predict the future
(what others will do or say)
and do what you know is right thing to do.

Tell your wife.

Anything being put in front of that on your priority
list only shows that you're (still) your own top priority.
 
Our marriage is really good, we get along well and love each other. I know we can work through this.
You have your priorities SOOOOO messed up it's not even funny. You're in one of those situations where you're so lost, you don't even know you're lost.

Tell your wife and focus on your home life. Go for counseling and stop paying attention to other partners sexually (referring to the sex with other people routine).

You're a real piece of work. You have NO IDEA how selfish you truly are. You're so worried about the friendships, because (time for a true look in the mirror) you don't want to lose contact with the OW. It's go nothing to do with the husband or your wife frankly.
 
Our marriage is really good, we get along well and love each other. I know we can work through this.
You can say that now, but how do you think she will react the minute she finds out that you have been banging her friend? How does your neighbor feel about his wife?

All I know is that for me, a physical betrayal is the point of no return. If I were your wife, I would toss your ass out, lawyer up and make sure that you pay for the rest of your life. Do you really think she should react differently to this kind of betrayal? And frankly, if I were your neighbor, I would brand his wife a wh0re and toss her ass out as well. You both have shown that you don't deserve your families.
 
The affair is out in the open, which is great! Your wife needs to know. You are extremely selfish for not telling her. I hope the OW breaks the news if you don't.

You are highly disrespectful to your wife. If you loved her, you would of never contacted another woman in this way. I wouldn't doubt if this happened again, especially since your not planning on telling your wife.

You already broke up your family.
 
How is your marriage good if you continue to deceive your wife. As someone who just found out about my wife cheating, I think the lying and disrespect hurt just as much or more than the fact that she fvcked another guy. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. But all you care about is yourself. That is the root of all of this. You want everyone to be happy for your sake. You don't want to rock the boat. You love yourself some you.
 
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