Good Man vs Bad Boy in Long Term Relationships

11078 Views 346 Replies 53 Participants Last post by BigDaddyNY, 16 d ago

1994

Discussion Starter · 3 mo ago

Question: How do you feel about your wife describing you as a "Good Man" in a LTR? Does it seem a little condescending to you, or is that the goal?

Background: We've been married nearly 30 years with three children, one of whom will soon be married. We're approaching an empty nest soon when the youngest goes off to college. This happens to coincide with me retiring from the military. I wanted to do what I could to facilitate this major transition for us, hence me discovering this site and others like it.

My wife and I are very close, as most military couples who endure long absences often under dangerous conditions often are. I have loved her since our first date (it took her a bit longer) and she loves me. I have no question about that.

Here's my topic. When describing me to others, my wife will typically play up my stability and reliability. Yes, I fix things around the house that are broken, mow the lawn with an almost OCD fervor, attend Church, spend time with my kids doing things we enjoy, check their homework mercilessly and insist they keep their rooms clean. I buy her flowers on all the major holidays and sometimes just because I felt like it. I have never paid a late fee on a bill. I love my puns, and my social media posts vacillate between pictures of my kids and sharing memes that I (and probably only I) find funny. I actually read (mostly) the annual prospectus on my IRA funds. In short, I'm a suburban Dad.

However, I've been successful in an inherently dangerous career, am a former moderately competent fight sport athlete, can lift way more weight than most men my age-and many younger men-at real gyms (I've never had a Planet Fitness membership, thank you). I've run multiple marathons with respectable times, worked my way through college as a bouncer, drove a motorcycle (not for a long time now, though...life insurance is way too expensive at my age) and have more than one tattoo. When I'm pissed, I've been told I can be quite intimidating. Plus, in all due modesty, I really rock a shaved head. In short, under the right circumstances, I'm kind of a badass

So, here's my first-world-problem question: would you rather the person with whom you regularly have sex think of you as a "Good Man" or "Bad Boy?" When she wants to show appreciation, if you must choose, should it be in the form of making your favorite meal or greeting you at the door in nothing but lingerie? When she imagines you, should it be Monkey Wrench or Monkey Sex?

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Griswold

· #2 · 3 mo ago

HI 1994. Ah so that's what Conan meant by the good man bit

I did not want to respond in ELS thread: she seems to be getting more talkative and she needs to hear from the more sensible folks who who are weiging in now. Guess the pitchforks got too heavy for the others.

Love your resume, especially the reading the IRA prospectuses. What planet are you from again? Or maybe better question...which branch of service?

I'm lucky in that my wife does not publicly announce that I'm a "good guy." Though I'm such a hopeless, well known nerd among friends that ...what else can I be. My proudest moment in the last 2 years has been, when she caught me reading "NO MORE MR. NICE GUY" she remarked casually, "why are you reading that? You're not a nice guy."

Answer to question (see how long it takes Irish people to answer questions?) . Monkey Sex. No question. I know that's not entirely how she sees me, and to her credit, I don't think she's dated (or to be blunt, had sex with) any stereotypically bad boys. I was friends with her "first," and he's a great guy. She always claims to be repelled by the tough guy types and I suspect she's honest there. She's a very quiet, not overtly sexual woman (on the outside). So her outer persona does not care about a guys sexiness. She never gets' worked up over movie stars or hunks at the beach. Privately...she's kept me sexed up for 34 years consistently.

As I age (and read more, esp places like TAM), I've been able to articulate better to her how valuable / necessary her sexual desire is to my psyche/ego. When we are rockin it, I'm floating. She performed yet another oral miracle yesterday and I've been just following her around , kissing her, telling her how amazing she is. I can't help it. She is. The other paradox (which has probably been true the whole marriage but I never put words to it) is that if we are consistent with sex....I don't need sex. non-sexual touch and intimacy becomes SO much more of a turn on for me when I'm living in a world of sexual abundance/predictability. Like every married guy, I"d bet, we've been through sexual doldrums where every slight touch from me triggered a "I dont want to have sex this minute" cringe response from her.

One last random thought, but on point I think. I'm not Mr. Monkey wrench. But I can do my manly bit when needed. I have an older woman (older than me anyway) who is fit but manless. She had car trouble and I helped her - I fixed it. She was appreciative , but when she thanked me she said she needs the help, because after all, she does not have a man around the house. Boy did I feel like a borrowed garden tool. I was privately pissed as all get out at that remark. Was I wrong there?

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DownByTheRiver

· #3 · 3 mo ago

I think "good man" is the highest compliment from your spouse.

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ccpowerslave

· #4 · 3 mo ago

I dunno I don’t really want to be known as “good” as I kind of equate it with boring. Since you’re clearly not boring, I’m not sure what that means.

I’m pretty sure my wife wouldn’t describe me as good. I’m not a goody two shoes, however I’m also not in a biker gang or anything like that.

I take care of what I am supposed to take care of but I am not completely predictable in terms of my behavior.
Am I a good husband? I don’t know really because I didn’t marry myself nor would I try to. Being “not good” I looked for someone who was “good”.

As for appreciation I’d much prefer the lingerie.

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1994

Discussion Starter · #5 · 3 mo ago (Edited)

Griswold said:
HI 1994. Ah so that's what Conan meant by the good man bit I did not want to respond in ELS thread: she seems to be getting more talkative and she needs to hear from the more sensible folks who who are weiging in now. Guess the pitchforks got too heavy for the others.

Love your resume, especially the reading the IRA prospectuses. What planet are you from again? Or maybe better question...which branch of service? I'm lucky in that my wife does not publicly announce that I'm a "good guy." Though I'm such a hopeless, well known nerd among friends that ...what else can I be. My proudest moment in the last 2 years has been, when she caught me reading "NO MORE MR. NICE GUY" she remarked casually, "why are you reading that? You're not a nice guy."

Answer to question (see how long it takes Irish people to answer questions?) . Monkey Sex. No question. I know that's not entirely how she sees me, and to her credit, I don't think she's dated (or to be blunt, had sex with) any stereotypically bad boys. I was friends with her "first," and he's a great guy. She always claims to be repelled by the tough guy types and I suspect she's honest there. She's a very quiet, not overtly sexual woman (on the outside). So her outer persona does not care about a guys sexiness. She never gets' worked up over movie stars or hunks at the beach. Privately...she's kept me sexed up for 34 years consistently.

As I age (and read more, esp places like TAM), I've been able to articulate better to her how valuable / necessary her sexual desire is to my psyche/ego. When we are rockin it, I'm floating. She performed yet another oral miracle yesterday and I've been just following her around , kissing her, telling her how amazing she is. I can't help it. She is. The other paradox (which has probably been true the whole marriage but I never put words to it) is that if we are consistent with sex....I don't need sex. non-sexual touch and intimacy becomes SO much more of a turn on for me when I'm living in a world of sexual abundance/predictability. Like every married guy, I"d bet, we've been through sexual doldrums where every slight touch from me triggered a "I dont want to have sex this minute" cringe response from her.

One last random thought, but on point I think. I'm not Mr. Monkey wrench. But I can do my manly bit when needed. I have an older woman (older than me anyway) who is fit but manless. She had car trouble and I helped her - I fixed it. She was appreciative , but when she thanked me she said she needs the help, because after all, she does not have a man around the house. Boy did I feel like a borrowed garden tool. I was privately pissed as all get out at that remark. Was I wrong there?

I certainly realize it's more of an ego thing for me. I also completely get your comment that you follow her around after a good night. It's scary how much control they wield over us.
My wife and I have definitely gone through our dry spells. We're coming out of one now and it has been wonderful. She giggles at the way I stare at her sometimes and has really been much more affectionate and insistent [wink...wink] as of late. I 100% attribute it to us making a very deliberate effort to improve our relationship. I also cite this website as an inspiration for my renewed motivation on working to improve our marriage.
She had one quasi-boyfriend before we met. I also knew him. He's kind of a d*** but he didn't mistreat or abuse her. Just generally unlikeable.
But she did seem to have a preference for a certain type of guy, which I kind of thought I was close to when we met. Unlike your wife, mine does swoon over certain actors/athletes/performers occasionally, but not in any way that I consider disrespectful to me. It's kind of cute, TBH. However, I do feel a twinge of competitive jealousy that perks me up when I hear her make comments like that. Can't help it. I figure it's good that I still want to impress her at this stage of our lives.
As for your questions. I'm in the Army and have loved it. Even the crappy parts. But I'm ready to move on. For the other question, I don't think she meant it that way. I suspect she meant it as a compliment and was just trying to flatter you for your technical acumen.
Also, I've read "5 Love Languages" and "Not Just Friends" (not because of infidelity between us, mostly just because it is so universally recommended by couples dealing with the crisis of infidelity. Like any military guy, I want to understand the worst case scenario to better learn how to avoid it). My next read is "No More Mr. Nice Guy."

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1994

Discussion Starter · #6 · 3 mo ago (Edited)

DownByTheRiver said:
I think "good man" is the highest compliment from your spouse.

I agree. She means it that way, and I understand it for that. In looking at these websites, at the risk of being a buzz kill, it seems to me that when women stray it's usually with someone who only offers an ego boost that eventually involves sex. They want the stable family guy at home and the bad guy for illicit shenanigans. Because I'm such a competitive ass, I want to be both.

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1994

Discussion Starter · #7 · 3 mo ago

ccpowerslave said:
I dunno I don’t really want to be known as “good” as I kind of equate it with boring. Since you’re clearly not boring, I’m not sure what that means.

I’m pretty sure my wife wouldn’t describe me as good. I’m not a goody two shoes, however I’m also not in a biker gang or anything like that.

I take care of what I am supposed to take care of but I am not completely predictable in terms of my behavior.
Am I a good husband? I don’t know really because I didn’t marry myself nor would I try to. Being “not good” I looked for someone who was “good”.

As for appreciation I’d much prefer the lingerie.

100%. Although I do enjoy her seafood lasagna as well (that's not a deliberate double entendre). But, yes...lingerie.

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DownByTheRiver

· #8 · 3 mo ago

1994 said:
I agree. She means it that way, and I understand it for that. In looking at these websites, at the risk of being a buzz kill, it seems to me that when women stray it's usually with someone who only offers sexual gratification. They want the stable family guy at home and the bad guy for illicit shenanigans. Because I'm such a competitive ass, I want to be both.

Well, she did marry YOU.

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ccpowerslave

· #9 · 3 mo ago

1994 said:
My next read is "No More Mr. Nice Guy."

Based on your short bio here I expect you’ll get bored and angry reading it as it likely won’t apply to you.

I suggest the much more applicable “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” MMSLP; it’s shorter and more entertaining.

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DownByTheRiver

· #10 · 3 mo ago

ccpowerslave said:
I dunno I don’t really want to be known as “good” as I kind of equate it with boring. Since you’re clearly not boring, I’m not sure what that means.

I’m pretty sure my wife wouldn’t describe me as good. I’m not a goody two shoes, however I’m also not in a biker gang or anything like that.

I take care of what I am supposed to take care of but I am not completely predictable in terms of my behavior.
Am I a good husband? I don’t know really because I didn’t marry myself nor would I try to. Being “not good” I looked for someone who was “good”.

As for appreciation I’d much prefer the lingerie.

"Good man" doesn't mean boring, guys. "Good man" is a really nice compliment and it usually does mean you are manly. It's not like she's saying you're a "sweet man." Y'all are awfully particular. And I hate to throw cold water, but once you've been married a while, I mean, it's just not likely your wife is going to be describing you as "He's hot" or any of that teenage stuff.

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1994

Discussion Starter · #11 · 3 mo ago (Edited)

DownByTheRiver said:
Well, she did marry YOU.

Yep. I made her a vow recently that I will never rest on that particular laurel. She chose me, and I want to make sure she continues to choose me. Corny? You betcha

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1994

Discussion Starter · #12 · 3 mo ago

ccpowerslave said:
Based on your short bio here I expect you’ll get bored and angry reading it as it likely won’t apply to you.

I suggest the much more applicable “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” MMSLP; it’s shorter and more entertaining.

Just got added to the list. Thank you.

1994

Discussion Starter · #13 · 3 mo ago (Edited)

DownByTheRiver said:
"Good man" doesn't mean boring, guys. "Good man" is a really nice compliment and it usually does mean you are manly. It's not like she's saying you're a "sweet man." Y'all are awfully particular. And I hate to throw cold water, but once you've been married a while, I mean, it's just not likely your wife is going to be describing you as "He's hot" or any of that teenage stuff.

True. That would be weird, right? Thank you. The question really is more metaphorical, though. If you got a vote—and very few of us do—how do you want to be thought of with no other external consideration?

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DownByTheRiver

· #14 · 3 mo ago

If it ain't broke, don't fix it reading stuff that puts bad ideas into your head.

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Griswold

· #15 · 3 mo ago

River - Very true, but part of the problem, which I know you can see on the site in many of the posts. Men often struggle with why did she marry me, especially after infidelity or discovery of some previously unknown facet of their wifes personality. Before I started dating my wife I was in a serious relationship for over year. Great woman. And she seemed to love sex. I am a "good" / Nice guy, but like virtually ALL guys there are sexual things I'd like to do. She was forthright about not wanting to do certain things. I have to be clear here - she was wonderful. I had/have huge respect for her. She told me straight up that she had done these things with other men and decided she did not like them. Very honest with me. She was also honest with me about who these guys were; she was a dancer and her prior partners were all male dancers. Specimens. Now this woman was super serious about me. She had her sights on marriage. I certainly weighed it (but to be honest the girl who later became my wife was my gold standard and who could live up that?).But it simply made no sense to me. If she wanted to spend her life with me, why couldn't we start from scratch sexually and build our own sexual repertoire? Why did i have inherit the benefit of experience with the ripped dancer dudes? Whether I was right or wrong, my brain probably spun like a huge number of guys would...she was into me for the reasons that 1994 worries about. Funny thing is, I fit that woman like a lock and key. She knew the physics of us was good. But for some reason she was blind to how her stance telegraphed to me. Thank gosh we broke up. Very shortly after, the wife to be called to commiserate her breakup with live in boyfriend. I was very consoling

And we two have built our repertoire from scratch!

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ccpowerslave

· #16 · 3 mo ago

DownByTheRiver said:
"Good man" doesn't mean boring, guys. "Good man" is a really nice compliment and it usually does mean you are manly.

I think it’s because the typical movie scene goes like this:

Wife: You know, X is a good man but…
Girlfriend: But what?
Wife: You know…
Girlfriend: <giggles> no I don’t know, you have to tell me now.

Then the next line is something terrible. So I think maybe “good man” is ok, however “good man but…” is really really bad.

I prefer to avoid the first part altogether. I can think of people my wife knows that she would describe as “good man” and definitely don’t want to be like those guys. One person in particular I’m sure she’d use “good” to describe him and no way!

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Bluesclues

· #17 · 3 mo ago

1994 said:
I agree. She means it that way, and I understand it for that. In looking at these websites, at the risk of being a buzz kill, it seems to me that when women stray it's usually with someone who only offers sexual gratification. They want the stable family guy at home and the bad guy for illicit shenanigans. Because I'm such a competitive ass, I want to be both.

It sounds to me like you are both and she knows it. That is why you are called a “good man” and not a “good guy”. There is a difference.

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DownByTheRiver

· #18 · 3 mo ago

ccpowerslave said:
I think it’s because the typical movie scene goes like this:

Wife: You know, X is a good man but…
Girlfriend: But what?
Wife: You know…
Girlfriend: <giggles> no I don’t know, you have to tell me now.

Then the next line is something terrible. So I think maybe “good man” is ok, however “good man but…” is really really bad.

I prefer to avoid the first part altogether. I can think of people my wife knows that she would describe as “good man” and definitely don’t want to be like those guys. One person in particular I’m sure she’d use “good” to describe him and no way!

Your imagination is working overtime. And you are too particular.

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Griswold

· #19 · 3 mo ago

By the way 1994, thank you for your service. I went to Navy bootcamp in high school (never actually served). So my sympathies are a bit nautical. I had planned on getting a phd in military history...but didn't. So your profession naturally interests me.

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1994

Discussion Starter · #20 · 3 mo ago

Griswold said:
By the way 1994, thank you for your service. I went to Navy bootcamp in high school (never actually served). So my sympathies are a bit nautical. I had planned on getting a phd in military history...but didn't. So your profession naturally interests me.

It still counts. Thank you for yours as well. You and I can be cordial for at least 364 days a year

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