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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Been reading this board for the last week or so. Yet another story of wife cheated and I found out. This thread is a little different as I am implementing the advice from other threads and need a place to get reassurance and advice during the hard road ahead.

Here's the story:
Married 17 years, 2 kids - 15 & 13. Had our ups and downs like everyone and were currently in a down cycle.

1-19-13: I was suspecting something was up with my wife as she had been texting like crazy over the past few months. When I asked her why she said it was due to her starting a new job and that was how they always communicated. I finally had to know and checked her phone. I came to one stating " I wish I could be with you and we could cuddle right now." I was destroyed and could not go any further. In hindsite I wish I had documented everything then and there, maybe not read them right way, but document them.

Instead, I immediately marched upstairs and confronted her. She did not deny it and said it had been going on for about a month. Her sister was in town and she, my wife and our 2 children left the house. I deactivated her cell phone to stop contact with the OM.

The OM is married with 2 children. I know them as we had gone on a few double dates but did not have the OMW contact information so I found her on Facebook and told her to call me ASAP.

1-20-13: I turned her cell phone back on as she was leaving on a business trip in the afternoon and needed it. I texted her telling her it was back on and asked if she wanted to talk - she did not. I did not respond. The OM's wife called and I told her about the affair. She dropped the phone and hung up. Later that evening she called and told me she kicked him out after a huge fight where one of their daughters actually punched him in the face. BTW, the kids are back at home after her sister dropped them off. Also, the OM's wife exposes the affair to the swim team where they both met.

1-21-13: Sent the 'It's all my fault, I'll change, please come back letter'. The wrong thing to do but I had not discovered these forums yet. No response.

1-22-13: She was returning from her trip and I had hopes to talk to her that night. Instead I receive an email stating she will not be staying at our house. I decided "Fine, make her realize her actions have consequences." and changed the locks, zeroed out and changed the garage code. I also sent my exposure letter to our family and friends.

1-23-13: She picks up the kids for school and they must have told her I changed the locks. She was leaving the next day on another business trip and needed more clothes. It just happened that way. She called stating she needed to pick up her clothes. I told her she could pick them up after 6:00 when I get home from work. 6:00 rolls around and I get a call from here sister saying she will not be picking up her clothes.

1-24-13: I decided to check phone records to find out when the affair had begun. I was disgusted at what I found; it had started back in late June - that's when the texting went sky high. The 1 month must have been the PA. I send her an email stating I know when it started and was disgusted with her for taking my support of her job and her doing this with it. I said it was her and only her that tore apart the marriage. I also said it was my last communication. I was not able to do it yet. More to come on that.

1-25-13: I sent her an email asking that she not make plans for the kids without consulting me and that I assumed I would be taking over all parenting responsibilities. I was going to a hockey game and needed to work out driving arrangements for my son. I finally called another parent and found out she had organized a sleepover for him. She responded stating the kids would be staying with both of us while we go through this. Initially I said no, they need a familiar place right now. She said she was staying at her mothers house. I agreed with one stipulation - he not be there. She agreed. I went to the hockey game and while there received an email asking if she could stop over the next morning to pick up some clothes. I responded saying the door was unlocked and she could get them tonight. When I got home from the hockey game, her clothes were gone.

1-26-13:We had an event where we both needed to attend. I talked to her for a few minutes stating she is welcome home anytime as long as she broke off the affair. She said she did not want to come home so I gave her the consequences letter and left. The consequences letter was basically I still love her and know we both screwed up but I'm willing to give it another try. We cannot move forward while the OM is in the picture. She must stop seeing him and break all contact. Until then, there will be NC between us.

1-30-13: I'm being good about NC. Nothing. I receive an email from her stating she read my letter and understands this is hard for me but she is in a different place and has been for a long time. She is moving forward with the divorce and I will be getting served later in the week. I respond stating I understand and agree with moving forward with the divorce. Her actions have caused a lot of pain and suffering and I would have my attorney review them when I recieve them. I thanked her for the heads up. In the evening her sister called and asked if they could stop over to pick up a few more things. I agreed but said I would be home. I wanted to show her that I was OK with things and project self confidence. I spent a few minutes talking with the kids, helped her sister carry out a couple of boxes, and really didn't say much to her. I think I pulled it off.

Now to today. I am doing the 180. I know I slipped a few times but that was before I read more. I have gone to the doctor for a prescription for Chantix (Stop smoking pill) and will be quitting while she is gone. The last time I did it I lasted for about 2 months before I asked my wife for a cigerette. With her out of the house I can't do that. I'm working on me.

It's still too recent for me not to hope for a reconcile but upon alot of reflection on our marriage and her I am starting to get the feeling that this really may be for the best. I'm not there yet but I'm trying to be strong and will stick to it. Eventually my actions will become my feelings.

I'm meeting with my attorney on Friday and will move forward with the divorce as I know it's what I have to do. I currently don't like the idea but know by doing the 180 I will eventually be OK with it. Since she is moving forward I can't allow myself to show otherwise.

Whew! That turned out to be a lot but I wanted to get it all out there. I'm committed to the 180 and know I slipped up but am now willing to do what it takes. If that means divorce and losing her forever...well that's what needs to happen. I know my writing does not show I'm doing the 180 yet, but my actions to her does. I've taken all her pictures down, removed her from my contacts and am slowly coming to realize that I may be better without her. It will take time and I know but I'm willing to go through the actions until my feelings catch up.

I started this thread for some support and advice. I know it will be hard but I need to do it for me. Also, I will likely need that 'kick-in-the-axx' when I have a weak moment, which I likely will have. I will probably need to be reminded this is for me, not at a chance to reconcile.
 

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You will definitely get the kick in the arse around here, if you need it! LOL

Im sorry you are here. It sounds like your wife just doesnt care about the marriage anymore. Maybe it hasnt been a reality to her. What is the status of the OM and his W? Do you still have contact with her? If he's kicked out and she's not living at home they are likley living it up...for now. Once reality sets in they will see things differently.

Stay strong and when you feel like contacting her, post here...that will help! The 180 is hard in the beginning but it all gets easier with time!
 

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I hope you have exposed to family and friends and find out if om has a gf or w and expose that.
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Your kids are old enough to be told the truth about their mothers affair, if they don't already know. Not in a sordid manner, just the simple unvarnished truth. Especially, before your wife confuses them with her fog babble. They deserve to know why their family has been destroyed, and to know the new guy in mom's life is partially responsible as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
LetDownNXT - I was going to call the OM's W last night but got tied up in a book and by the time I looked up it was after 10PM. Too late to call.

Whether they are together or not. I'm not going to play the 'what if' game on that. I can't change it so I'm not going to wonder and dwell. I doubt they are together this week as it was my WS's birthday on 1/29 so I agreed that the kids could start the one week on a one week off with her(as long as he wasn't there). I asked the kids and they said it made sense to be with her on her Bday.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The affair has been exposed on both sides to family and friends. I've received some very good support from these people. Her family is siding with her which I understand - blood is thinker than water.

She spoke with the kids the night of D-day and I the next day. Not sordid. The way my son put it "She went on a date with another man." I did call it an affair and told them that she really messed up. I think that's enough - they don't need to know the details.
 

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Considering how long you've had to process all this, you're doing a great job!

Don't worry about the past slips ups. It happens!

Keep working on yourself for the next woman who comes along who will love you and only you

Good luck on this difficult journey
 

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Remember that the 180 is about emotionally detaching from her, not a cure all for fixing the marriage.

She has, as far as I can tell, been consistant on her message. She wants out. She REALLY feels this way. Don't tell her she doesn't. So your marriage SO FAR is over. She can, of course, change her mind, but you are not going to change if for her.

Please cut her off from your funds. That will all play out in the divorce proceedings, but do not allow her to run up cash advances, lots of purchases, etc.

Marriage is a number of 'comforts' and benefits given to the spouse. Cell phones, insurance rates, the expectation of babysitting, accessibility of chores etc.

So start to cut these benefits out. You may think this is peevish and immature...or at least some people will. However, you have been told that you are not worth being with (her opinion, not mine). How much time, money and resources are you going to waste on such a person? Yes, she's the 'mother of my children' but that's a quirk of biology. It doesn't make her a good person or one who is 'owed' anything besides common courtesy. She has made herself a stranger to you by choice. Have her accept the consequences of her choices.
 

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You're doing everything right.

Unfortunately it sounds like either
1. You caught onto the A after she had already emotionally disconnected from you or
2. She and the OM are still running around together.

If it's 1 there is a chance she will try to come back later after she realizes what she has given up. There is an equal chance she will not.

If it's 2 she will probably try to come back after she has been forced to deal with reality with the OM and the fantasy they have together is destroyed.

I don't know the other variables in your situation, but if you don't already now is a good time to start weight training, getting better clothes and pick up a hobby. Things that will help build up your confidence and self worth, as well as make you more attractive to the opposite sex for the confidence boost that brings.
 

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LetDownNXT - I was going to call the OM's W last night but got tied up in a book and by the time I looked up it was after 10PM. Too late to call.

Whether they are together or not. I'm not going to play the 'what if' game on that. I can't change it so I'm not going to wonder and dwell. I doubt they are together this week as it was my WS's birthday on 1/29 so I agreed that the kids could start the one week on a one week off with her(as long as he wasn't there). I asked the kids and they said it made sense to be with her on her Bday.
If you have not told the OMW about the affair you have not done a worth while exposure.
 

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I would agree, the plan A for you is to protect yourself and give yourself time to see if what she has done/is doing is even salvagable and worth salvaging.

I think you are doing a great job so far. Had I the balls to do what you have done so far at the beginning, I may have been able to save my marriage.

Good luck! Keep posting...
 

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Is the OM a work colleague ? Expose him at work if you can.

The thing with her family siding with her, she was building the groundwork for some time. She was badmouthing you to them and telling them how abusive you are to her and the kids through out the marriage.

And stop being civil with her. No soul searching talks. Be terse and firm and only talk what you absolutely have to.
 

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It looks like you hit all the bases, a confident confrontation, exposure and swift consequences.

Now dust your self off, commit to letting her go and limit your engagement with her. (it only takes you back to square one) This detattachment will help protect you emotionally.

Its only been a week or so since you confronted her so the both of you are still absorbing all of this.

You are 100% correct until she commits to NC with OM then the Marriage is over. Now you wait for this to happen......

The affair is no longer protected by the dark of night, the excitement is gone and now, the both of them are trying to pick up the pieces, do there damage control and regroup. What they will soon find out that it was all a fantasy and the affair will fall apart.

Or

Your wife has been in a double life and as long as she occupies her time with her business trip guys she will have no need for the OM (make no mistake this affair will fall apart), and the women you once knew is gone for ever, filling a unhealthy void of man after man.


One thing you do have and thats the ability to not let her define you and letting her go was good for you, now your WW has to see that being let go won't be good for her!
 

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What a horrible week for you. You've handled it admirably. It's near impossible to get it all right, but you got it alright.

Stay strong.
 

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Well if it’s in consolation, odds are she’ll be lucky if she last 6 months with the OM now that the A in in the open. Being that the OMW kicked him that’s going to mess up his head (even if he wanted out of the M, being rejected is always hard to deal with) which is one more monkey wrench in the relationship. There’s a good chance in a couple of months or so either your W or the OM will try to go back home.

Stay the course and if anything let her know R is off the table. Being her backup plan (if the A fails) lets her explore that option with little risk. You take that safety net away from her (you) then she has to gamble everything on the OM. The odds are stacked against her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
He told her straight away. It was a good exposure. The best I've seen in some time.
Yes, the OMW contacted me the next morning after I sent her a private message on Facebook. It was hard. My exact words were "There is no good way to say it so I'm just going to say it. Your husband and my wife are having an affair.". I heard "Oh my God...", thunk (she dropped the phone) and then hung up.

My WW had asked I don't tell the OMW via text as it "does not concern her, this is between the two of us". I told her that "had it been an EA I may have considered it, but since it was recently physical the OMW had to know."

My WW has completely detached. Whether it's due to the fog or not, I don't know. Currently, I care, but hopefully with time I won't. That's why I'm here.

Reading has helped a ton to sort out my thoughts. I'm an avid reader and had gobbled up 7-8 books ranging from:

  • DiVorce Busting: A Step by step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again
  • What to do when your Spouse Cheats: Take Practical Steps to Survive
  • Women's Infidelity I & II
  • After the Affair

to name a few.

Regarding me. I stared the stop smoking program and teeth whitening. I've also distracted myself with house chores to keep my mind off things. Patched a ceiling that had water damage, cleaned out a couple of junk closets, painted one of our storage closets.

I'm not overweight - 6' - 175lbs but am not toned. Lifting is a good idea. I live in Minnesota and was lucky that the day after it happened we had 3 inches of snow. Rather than break out the snowblower I hand shoveled the entire driveway...I'd say it's 150' long and 10' wide plus the garage pad. It felt good.

I think I'm doing the right things. Will just need support and guidance as the days go by.
 
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