I met my wife in November 2006 and we both were head over heels for each other. She was coming out of a 5 year relationship (9 months or so from the breakup) at the time I first met her. I knew she still had some level of feelings for her ex but those subsided after a few months. I asked her to marry me in July 2010 and we had a long engagement. The marriage took place actually 1 year and 2 days ago (Sep 24, 2011). We had a great relationship. I had what most people want, a loving caring wife, a good job, a nice home to come home to and spend time with my wife in. We don't have any children but both wanted to start on them soon.
I'm 30 and she's 29. Over the past few months we have been emotionally unattached to each other. I take a lot of fault in that but she shares some of the blame too. We became more of roomates than husband and wife. We were in a rut. I noticed over the summer (June of this year) she began to spend a lot of time with her friends. This of course is fine but she began staying out late, going to bars, etc... I told her I didn't think it was a good idea to continue this and she agreed. July of this year she went out to eat with a couple friends. She left the IPAD on the couch logged into her work email account. I looked through her emails between her and one of her friends. I found out that her ex (the one mentioned earlier in this post) had contacted her via facebook. She was asking her friend for advice on what to say.
She had the messages between her and him copied and pasted in this email. Nothing "wrong" was in the messages (mostly just catching up with each other) but when you are married there is no reason to have any intentional communication with your ex...esp one that she had strong feelings for. I texted her after finding out about this via her emails between her and her friend. Of course it was a typical response. "What are you talking about? etc..." I took a picture of the email with her FB messages posted in it and sent it to her via text. She couldn't hide the truth any longer. She came home, I was angry. I told her I wanted her to go to her mom's and stay the night but eventually calmed down and we talked. She broke down, cried in my arms, told me how sorry she was and how she never wants to hurt me. We agreed we have things to work on to get that spark back and to work on our communication. Things seemed to be going well for the next few weeks.
On August 31st we went out with some friends to have a drink. The table in the bar we went to was divided between the males and females. My wife sat across the table from me and I noticed her on her phone A LOT that night. I walked over to her side of the table while she was texting and she immediatly put her phone in her purse. I asked her if I could see her phone and she said "I'm about to get sick" and ran into the bathroom with her purse/phone. She came out 20 minutes later and had a friend of hers take her home. I left about 30 minutes after she did and went home. She was sitting on the front porch and I sat next to her. She told me at this point she was thinking very hard about getting an apartment. My response to her was if she were to move out, I would view that as the end of our marriage. She believed this was going to help our marriage, I didn't agree with that. I offered to try MC with her and told her after 6 years together I was willing to do whatever it took to make our marriage work. I didn't believe that our problem was a major one. We simply needed to emotionally connect again and not feel so much like room mates. MC can help out with this very problem. She agreed to try MC. This was Friday August 31st.
Saturday, Sunday, and Labor Day Monday we didn't speak much...she seemed very distant. She told me on the next Tuesday (Sep 4th) she had signed a lease for an apartment and would be moving in the next weekend (September 8th). The rest of that workweek I was in denial. I really didn't think this was happening. We didn't see each other hardly at all. She would come home, go into a seperate bedroom and stay there until she went to work the next day. Saturday she moved all of her stuff out of the house. We had agreed as to what I would keep and what she would take and there was no arguements concerning any of that.
I broke down hard Saturday night alone in our (mine alone now) house. For the next week it took everything I had not to break down at work, while driving, basically anywhere I was. Our communication at this point was emails and texting only. I asked her about MC, she said she didn't know what she wanted and didn't know if she wanted to make things work or not. I spilled my guts out to her in a letter I hand wrote and left on her car. This was Tuesday September 11th. She wrote me an email at work that afternoon after I left the letter on her car that morning. Here's what she said:
I got your letter today. I realize that took a lot for you to write that and took you a long time to do so as well. I know it was completely from your heart and sincere and that means a lot to me. I told you I was trying to avoid discussing anything via text messages, e-mails, letters, etc. I wanted to do this face to face. But I can tell in your letter you are falling apart and it's not right for me to keep silent and keep avoiding the situation. I have a real problem of facing things that are difficult to deal with. I never want to intentionally hurt anyone. But I look at it like we are both two hurt people right now already. We have shared some wonderful times over the last 6 years and lived a great life envied by most. I am forever grateful for you and all that you have done for us and for me. We have also built a great friendship which I do hate to lose but I understand your position that it would be too difficult to maintain any contact with each other. Although I am always open to maintaining a friendship. It breaks my heart that you are suffering so much through this separation. I know that this is all new to you so you are just now cycling through the emotions. I suppose it appears easier on me because I have been suffering inside silently for quite some time now. I have been battling this for over a year. Honestly I thought that by getting married it would solve whatever problems or issues I had. Alas, it did not. I have been drained emotionally, physically, mentally and depressed for quite some time now. I have tried getting actively involved with organizations and community charities mostly to help bring me back to life and bring some happiness. I want you to know that no matter what, YOU are NOT the cause of this. It takes two to make a marriage and relationship work and it takes two to fail at it. You are not the lone ranger in this. I am guilty as well. You are a truly amazing person and deserve so much more than what I have to offer you. You have so much to give to someone. I know there is someone out there for you who is perfect. Unfortunately I do not feel that person is me even though you may think I am. I can assure you, I am not. I have never been able to give you all of me and love you wholely as a wife should. That is an issue within myself and has nothing to do with you. You deserve more. I cannot promise you forever and that is not fair to either you or myself. We are 2 young people who don't need to be going in circles in a relationship that ultimately is not working. I will admit it is not easy being on my own, I get lonely sometimes but at the same time I feel a sense of peacefulness and solace now. As I said before, I hate to do this e-mail but when I got your letter I knew you were crying out for some immediate direction and some immediate closure. I do not want us to EVER under any circumstances be on any bad terms. You are a one of a kind true gentleman who would do anything in the world for anyone and you only deserve someone who treats you the same or better. I will always respect you and care about you and you know I will always be here for anything. I am not 110% sure I am making the right decision, but I do know 110% that staying is not the right thing for me to do. I just cannot give you what you want, need, and deserve. And it's not fair to keep holding you back from the one person out there that can be everything for you and to you. I have still not discussed this with anyone nor do I intend to. I feel this is our business, it is personal, and it is private. When anyone asks me anything I just divert the question. I don't want anyone else involved in this, I respect our marriage enough and intend to keep this tight lipped and amicable. I don't want to make anything any more difficult than it already is for the both of us.
I was devestated after reading that. I have never cheated on her or abused her in any way shape or form. I was emotionally unattached to her, but admitted this and was willing to do what it took to get that back. Things have been tough for me. I wanted to share my story on this forum and "get things out." After reading a lot of similar stories on this forum it's almost scary how similar everyone's story is. She will not admit that her ex is the reason she's divorcing me, but I know that she wants to be back with him.
I think I'm holding up fairly well under the circumstances. I have not cried for a few days which is a good step for me, but I am still very sad. I guess what I'm looking for on this board is to hear what people have to say about what I've been through. I appreciate anyone's response to my situation in offering me advice on how to cope or on confirming to me why she left really left (at least the best you can give on that answer based off what I have told in this thread)
Thank you,
A sad husband (soon to be ex husband).
I'm 30 and she's 29. Over the past few months we have been emotionally unattached to each other. I take a lot of fault in that but she shares some of the blame too. We became more of roomates than husband and wife. We were in a rut. I noticed over the summer (June of this year) she began to spend a lot of time with her friends. This of course is fine but she began staying out late, going to bars, etc... I told her I didn't think it was a good idea to continue this and she agreed. July of this year she went out to eat with a couple friends. She left the IPAD on the couch logged into her work email account. I looked through her emails between her and one of her friends. I found out that her ex (the one mentioned earlier in this post) had contacted her via facebook. She was asking her friend for advice on what to say.
She had the messages between her and him copied and pasted in this email. Nothing "wrong" was in the messages (mostly just catching up with each other) but when you are married there is no reason to have any intentional communication with your ex...esp one that she had strong feelings for. I texted her after finding out about this via her emails between her and her friend. Of course it was a typical response. "What are you talking about? etc..." I took a picture of the email with her FB messages posted in it and sent it to her via text. She couldn't hide the truth any longer. She came home, I was angry. I told her I wanted her to go to her mom's and stay the night but eventually calmed down and we talked. She broke down, cried in my arms, told me how sorry she was and how she never wants to hurt me. We agreed we have things to work on to get that spark back and to work on our communication. Things seemed to be going well for the next few weeks.
On August 31st we went out with some friends to have a drink. The table in the bar we went to was divided between the males and females. My wife sat across the table from me and I noticed her on her phone A LOT that night. I walked over to her side of the table while she was texting and she immediatly put her phone in her purse. I asked her if I could see her phone and she said "I'm about to get sick" and ran into the bathroom with her purse/phone. She came out 20 minutes later and had a friend of hers take her home. I left about 30 minutes after she did and went home. She was sitting on the front porch and I sat next to her. She told me at this point she was thinking very hard about getting an apartment. My response to her was if she were to move out, I would view that as the end of our marriage. She believed this was going to help our marriage, I didn't agree with that. I offered to try MC with her and told her after 6 years together I was willing to do whatever it took to make our marriage work. I didn't believe that our problem was a major one. We simply needed to emotionally connect again and not feel so much like room mates. MC can help out with this very problem. She agreed to try MC. This was Friday August 31st.
Saturday, Sunday, and Labor Day Monday we didn't speak much...she seemed very distant. She told me on the next Tuesday (Sep 4th) she had signed a lease for an apartment and would be moving in the next weekend (September 8th). The rest of that workweek I was in denial. I really didn't think this was happening. We didn't see each other hardly at all. She would come home, go into a seperate bedroom and stay there until she went to work the next day. Saturday she moved all of her stuff out of the house. We had agreed as to what I would keep and what she would take and there was no arguements concerning any of that.
I broke down hard Saturday night alone in our (mine alone now) house. For the next week it took everything I had not to break down at work, while driving, basically anywhere I was. Our communication at this point was emails and texting only. I asked her about MC, she said she didn't know what she wanted and didn't know if she wanted to make things work or not. I spilled my guts out to her in a letter I hand wrote and left on her car. This was Tuesday September 11th. She wrote me an email at work that afternoon after I left the letter on her car that morning. Here's what she said:
I got your letter today. I realize that took a lot for you to write that and took you a long time to do so as well. I know it was completely from your heart and sincere and that means a lot to me. I told you I was trying to avoid discussing anything via text messages, e-mails, letters, etc. I wanted to do this face to face. But I can tell in your letter you are falling apart and it's not right for me to keep silent and keep avoiding the situation. I have a real problem of facing things that are difficult to deal with. I never want to intentionally hurt anyone. But I look at it like we are both two hurt people right now already. We have shared some wonderful times over the last 6 years and lived a great life envied by most. I am forever grateful for you and all that you have done for us and for me. We have also built a great friendship which I do hate to lose but I understand your position that it would be too difficult to maintain any contact with each other. Although I am always open to maintaining a friendship. It breaks my heart that you are suffering so much through this separation. I know that this is all new to you so you are just now cycling through the emotions. I suppose it appears easier on me because I have been suffering inside silently for quite some time now. I have been battling this for over a year. Honestly I thought that by getting married it would solve whatever problems or issues I had. Alas, it did not. I have been drained emotionally, physically, mentally and depressed for quite some time now. I have tried getting actively involved with organizations and community charities mostly to help bring me back to life and bring some happiness. I want you to know that no matter what, YOU are NOT the cause of this. It takes two to make a marriage and relationship work and it takes two to fail at it. You are not the lone ranger in this. I am guilty as well. You are a truly amazing person and deserve so much more than what I have to offer you. You have so much to give to someone. I know there is someone out there for you who is perfect. Unfortunately I do not feel that person is me even though you may think I am. I can assure you, I am not. I have never been able to give you all of me and love you wholely as a wife should. That is an issue within myself and has nothing to do with you. You deserve more. I cannot promise you forever and that is not fair to either you or myself. We are 2 young people who don't need to be going in circles in a relationship that ultimately is not working. I will admit it is not easy being on my own, I get lonely sometimes but at the same time I feel a sense of peacefulness and solace now. As I said before, I hate to do this e-mail but when I got your letter I knew you were crying out for some immediate direction and some immediate closure. I do not want us to EVER under any circumstances be on any bad terms. You are a one of a kind true gentleman who would do anything in the world for anyone and you only deserve someone who treats you the same or better. I will always respect you and care about you and you know I will always be here for anything. I am not 110% sure I am making the right decision, but I do know 110% that staying is not the right thing for me to do. I just cannot give you what you want, need, and deserve. And it's not fair to keep holding you back from the one person out there that can be everything for you and to you. I have still not discussed this with anyone nor do I intend to. I feel this is our business, it is personal, and it is private. When anyone asks me anything I just divert the question. I don't want anyone else involved in this, I respect our marriage enough and intend to keep this tight lipped and amicable. I don't want to make anything any more difficult than it already is for the both of us.
I was devestated after reading that. I have never cheated on her or abused her in any way shape or form. I was emotionally unattached to her, but admitted this and was willing to do what it took to get that back. Things have been tough for me. I wanted to share my story on this forum and "get things out." After reading a lot of similar stories on this forum it's almost scary how similar everyone's story is. She will not admit that her ex is the reason she's divorcing me, but I know that she wants to be back with him.
I think I'm holding up fairly well under the circumstances. I have not cried for a few days which is a good step for me, but I am still very sad. I guess what I'm looking for on this board is to hear what people have to say about what I've been through. I appreciate anyone's response to my situation in offering me advice on how to cope or on confirming to me why she left really left (at least the best you can give on that answer based off what I have told in this thread)
Thank you,
A sad husband (soon to be ex husband).