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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I met my wife in November 2006 and we both were head over heels for each other. She was coming out of a 5 year relationship (9 months or so from the breakup) at the time I first met her. I knew she still had some level of feelings for her ex but those subsided after a few months. I asked her to marry me in July 2010 and we had a long engagement. The marriage took place actually 1 year and 2 days ago (Sep 24, 2011). We had a great relationship. I had what most people want, a loving caring wife, a good job, a nice home to come home to and spend time with my wife in. We don't have any children but both wanted to start on them soon.


I'm 30 and she's 29. Over the past few months we have been emotionally unattached to each other. I take a lot of fault in that but she shares some of the blame too. We became more of roomates than husband and wife. We were in a rut. I noticed over the summer (June of this year) she began to spend a lot of time with her friends. This of course is fine but she began staying out late, going to bars, etc... I told her I didn't think it was a good idea to continue this and she agreed. July of this year she went out to eat with a couple friends. She left the IPAD on the couch logged into her work email account. I looked through her emails between her and one of her friends. I found out that her ex (the one mentioned earlier in this post) had contacted her via facebook. She was asking her friend for advice on what to say.


She had the messages between her and him copied and pasted in this email. Nothing "wrong" was in the messages (mostly just catching up with each other) but when you are married there is no reason to have any intentional communication with your ex...esp one that she had strong feelings for. I texted her after finding out about this via her emails between her and her friend. Of course it was a typical response. "What are you talking about? etc..." I took a picture of the email with her FB messages posted in it and sent it to her via text. She couldn't hide the truth any longer. She came home, I was angry. I told her I wanted her to go to her mom's and stay the night but eventually calmed down and we talked. She broke down, cried in my arms, told me how sorry she was and how she never wants to hurt me. We agreed we have things to work on to get that spark back and to work on our communication. Things seemed to be going well for the next few weeks.


On August 31st we went out with some friends to have a drink. The table in the bar we went to was divided between the males and females. My wife sat across the table from me and I noticed her on her phone A LOT that night. I walked over to her side of the table while she was texting and she immediatly put her phone in her purse. I asked her if I could see her phone and she said "I'm about to get sick" and ran into the bathroom with her purse/phone. She came out 20 minutes later and had a friend of hers take her home. I left about 30 minutes after she did and went home. She was sitting on the front porch and I sat next to her. She told me at this point she was thinking very hard about getting an apartment. My response to her was if she were to move out, I would view that as the end of our marriage. She believed this was going to help our marriage, I didn't agree with that. I offered to try MC with her and told her after 6 years together I was willing to do whatever it took to make our marriage work. I didn't believe that our problem was a major one. We simply needed to emotionally connect again and not feel so much like room mates. MC can help out with this very problem. She agreed to try MC. This was Friday August 31st.


Saturday, Sunday, and Labor Day Monday we didn't speak much...she seemed very distant. She told me on the next Tuesday (Sep 4th) she had signed a lease for an apartment and would be moving in the next weekend (September 8th). The rest of that workweek I was in denial. I really didn't think this was happening. We didn't see each other hardly at all. She would come home, go into a seperate bedroom and stay there until she went to work the next day. Saturday she moved all of her stuff out of the house. We had agreed as to what I would keep and what she would take and there was no arguements concerning any of that.


I broke down hard Saturday night alone in our (mine alone now) house. For the next week it took everything I had not to break down at work, while driving, basically anywhere I was. Our communication at this point was emails and texting only. I asked her about MC, she said she didn't know what she wanted and didn't know if she wanted to make things work or not. I spilled my guts out to her in a letter I hand wrote and left on her car. This was Tuesday September 11th. She wrote me an email at work that afternoon after I left the letter on her car that morning. Here's what she said:

I got your letter today. I realize that took a lot for you to write that and took you a long time to do so as well. I know it was completely from your heart and sincere and that means a lot to me. I told you I was trying to avoid discussing anything via text messages, e-mails, letters, etc. I wanted to do this face to face. But I can tell in your letter you are falling apart and it's not right for me to keep silent and keep avoiding the situation. I have a real problem of facing things that are difficult to deal with. I never want to intentionally hurt anyone. But I look at it like we are both two hurt people right now already. We have shared some wonderful times over the last 6 years and lived a great life envied by most. I am forever grateful for you and all that you have done for us and for me. We have also built a great friendship which I do hate to lose but I understand your position that it would be too difficult to maintain any contact with each other. Although I am always open to maintaining a friendship. It breaks my heart that you are suffering so much through this separation. I know that this is all new to you so you are just now cycling through the emotions. I suppose it appears easier on me because I have been suffering inside silently for quite some time now. I have been battling this for over a year. Honestly I thought that by getting married it would solve whatever problems or issues I had. Alas, it did not. I have been drained emotionally, physically, mentally and depressed for quite some time now. I have tried getting actively involved with organizations and community charities mostly to help bring me back to life and bring some happiness. I want you to know that no matter what, YOU are NOT the cause of this. It takes two to make a marriage and relationship work and it takes two to fail at it. You are not the lone ranger in this. I am guilty as well. You are a truly amazing person and deserve so much more than what I have to offer you. You have so much to give to someone. I know there is someone out there for you who is perfect. Unfortunately I do not feel that person is me even though you may think I am. I can assure you, I am not. I have never been able to give you all of me and love you wholely as a wife should. That is an issue within myself and has nothing to do with you. You deserve more. I cannot promise you forever and that is not fair to either you or myself. We are 2 young people who don't need to be going in circles in a relationship that ultimately is not working. I will admit it is not easy being on my own, I get lonely sometimes but at the same time I feel a sense of peacefulness and solace now. As I said before, I hate to do this e-mail but when I got your letter I knew you were crying out for some immediate direction and some immediate closure. I do not want us to EVER under any circumstances be on any bad terms. You are a one of a kind true gentleman who would do anything in the world for anyone and you only deserve someone who treats you the same or better. I will always respect you and care about you and you know I will always be here for anything. I am not 110% sure I am making the right decision, but I do know 110% that staying is not the right thing for me to do. I just cannot give you what you want, need, and deserve. And it's not fair to keep holding you back from the one person out there that can be everything for you and to you. I have still not discussed this with anyone nor do I intend to. I feel this is our business, it is personal, and it is private. When anyone asks me anything I just divert the question. I don't want anyone else involved in this, I respect our marriage enough and intend to keep this tight lipped and amicable. I don't want to make anything any more difficult than it already is for the both of us.


I was devestated after reading that. I have never cheated on her or abused her in any way shape or form. I was emotionally unattached to her, but admitted this and was willing to do what it took to get that back. Things have been tough for me. I wanted to share my story on this forum and "get things out." After reading a lot of similar stories on this forum it's almost scary how similar everyone's story is. She will not admit that her ex is the reason she's divorcing me, but I know that she wants to be back with him.


I think I'm holding up fairly well under the circumstances. I have not cried for a few days which is a good step for me, but I am still very sad. I guess what I'm looking for on this board is to hear what people have to say about what I've been through. I appreciate anyone's response to my situation in offering me advice on how to cope or on confirming to me why she left really left (at least the best you can give on that answer based off what I have told in this thread)

Thank you,

A sad husband (soon to be ex husband).
 

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Wow, that was tough to read not only because of the pain it caused you but because of the parallels to my own situation.

I received an email from my wife with a lot of similar sentiments in it, but it did not stop her from knowingly hurting me horribly before she wrote it. She did say, which you wife did not, that she wasn't sure of her position, which I think makes a lot more sense in these types of situations. I change my thinking a couple of times a day, so why can't they.

As to coping, the best advice I have gotten has come from this site: try to have fun and exercise as much as you can (even though its hard to do so with low energy levels).

What I am working on is trying to find out what I want from me, life, and then seeing if my wife and our relationship can fit into that. That is the key, 'what do i want', especially if there are no kids in the picture.

The extension of that is that it does not matter why she left, only that she left, and you only have control over you and your happiness. So focus on you and your happiness, and then maybe she will come back into your life or not, but if you focus on your happiness, you will be happy. But focusing on your happiness also means being happy with who you are. So, if there are things about yourself that you do not like (regardless of whether or not they contributed to unhappiness in your marriage) then those are also things to work on.

These sentiments are so easy to type and so damn hard to implement. I try to work on them every day, and wish you every happiness.

The one thought in the back of my brain that I don't acknowledge too often but it is there and I don't let it go away is: "It may be time to move on and maybe your marriage is over". A very tough thought to have but maybe one you should consider.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for the responses. jfv, you are so very right. I have a it a lot better than most who go through this situation. MisterRitter, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I appreciate the response and advice. I have been through this site so many times over the past few weeks and I "know" what to do but just like to hear it specified directly at me in my situation. There is no hope in this relationship and I know and realize this. I just need to recover which will take time. I'm hoping by the end of the year I will be "back to normal."
 

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Hi BC3,

Sounds very similar to my story. Unfortunately I've had to nuke it until everything is finalized.

Are you in counseling? What kind of support (professional or otherwise) do you have in place?

Don't be too hard on yourself for the emotional detachment. Also happened in my case, and I now know it was that she was a "bad cheater".
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Matt1720,

Thank you. Reading responses on here really helps me in coping through this. I luckily have great friends, co workers, and family helping me through this. A group of friends are throwing a "divorce party" for me this Saturday to "celebrate my freedom." I actually like the idea because I probably won't ever have this freedom again once I do find Mrs Right. We are playing golf, going to a casino to play some cards, and just cut loose and have a good time. I'm excited for that. More nights than not I'm at a friends home just to not be alone which has helped me through this mess.
 

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Good to hear,

I'm enjoying my time alone, its peaceful. Then again it took me a while to "forgive" myself for what I thought I had done wrong, and have enough self esteem to truly believe I wasn't the one "losing" in all of this. With time I hope you get there too.

To quote Steven King in the Stand...

"Show me a man or a woman alone and I'll show you a saint."
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I think one of the toughest parts of going through a divorce is (at least for me) you lose your since of identity. I'm not (in the near future) "married" any longer. I don't have someone there at night with me and someone to kiss when I wake up in the morning. My best friend is gone. How fast this unfolded as well made this hit me extra hard. That's what's been so tough for me.
 

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BC3, by no means am i remotely in a position to give advice, but i'm going through heartbreak myself so i know exactly where you are right now and more.

My husband I married when i was 30. We were married 12 years. I have NEVER been alone or left. He's not even leaving me for someone he had strong feelings for nor is he remotely apologetic or remorseful. I am now going on 43 with 4 young children, 5-11 and my STBXH is leaving me for a 20 year old asian girl (he actually has an 18year old daughter from a previous marriage, my daughter and his new soon to be wife could be sisters, its disgusting). This is where and why i can honestly echo your other replies.

You are still young enough to move on easily and maybe find "the one" and have a long, happy married life and children. You can disappear and/or reinvent yourself because mercifully, you never have to see her again. There are no children binding you. You'll never have to see her with someone else. She doesn't have to be part of your life and honestly if i had your options i would not. I have 13 long years of having to watch him be married to someone else and even then there will be graduations, wedding, grandkids. I will never be free of him. I find myself secretly hoping he dies in a car accident and scare myself with the whole karma thing. i am actually jealous of your possibilities.

I think we need to heal start meeting people just to forget - now that doesnt mean one night stands or rush into a relationship but there is something about when you meet new people- that sense that makes you want to see them again, something to look forward to and who knows might lead to something more or just a new friend to fill in some time and do stuff youve always wanted. If i had an option to keep myself busy with anything other than the kids and this house that reminds me of him everywhere i look -id be all over it.

And (now im still working on this myself) - be brutally honest with ourselves about why we hurt so badly, the more i have thought on this, the more i surprise myself every so often, part of it was the betrayal, part of it is the failed marriage itself- am i not good enough? but other parts are comfort zone and the big one -fear of change.

I dont have any answers im probably one of the biggest emotional wrecks on here right now and my life is total crap. But i want to cope and thats a starting place for now.

You do deserve someone who has everything to offer you and wants to whole heartedly. But you have to put yourself out there to find each other. Notice i didnt say look for each other. These things find us when we least expect it. Word of caution: It wont be the rebound and dont rush into a relationship for the sake of normalacy back in your life. Thats just from the research here and elsewhere. Although you seem level headed.
 

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I also read that feeling your pain because I heard similar things. Mine also happened very suddenly, out to dinner one night and gone the next. It's extremely hard, one of the very most painful things I've ever been through. I followed the advice here and it really does help. Focus on you and yes, be glad you don't have to share children with her. I found that the most painful and yet also the easier times were when I didn't have to interact with him. The first day or two of NC, I would cry and cry and miss him so much. But then I was better and not feeling so bad. Of course, I have kids with mine so I would then have to see or talk to him again and the cycle would start all over. I do think it will be somewhat easier for you since you can make a clean break, so to speak.

It's great that you have such wonderful support. That helps so much! Lean on them as much as you can. You'll get through this... we all will one way or another. Go ahead and start focusing on you and changing your mindset and reactions to things. It helps and you never know, she might just see this new man and rethink her stance. But even if she doesn't, you'll feel happier and find out you had strength you never even knew about! ;)
 

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I think one of the toughest parts of going through a divorce is (at least for me) you lose your since of identity. I'm not (in the near future) "married" any longer. I don't have someone there at night with me and someone to kiss when I wake up in the morning. My best friend is gone. How fast this unfolded as well made this hit me extra hard. That's what's been so tough for me.
That has been very hard for me. I took pride in being married and that is gone. I am having a problem using pronouns now. There may not be a 'we' anymore and that is tough to deal with. Sounds so weird, and kind of pathetic but its been very hard for me.

But that is also part of the problem. I (and others) have put too much of my identity into being 'married' and the kind of good man who is 'marriage material', and have lost track of who I am.

So easy to write on here but so hard to realize and live.

I see that a lot of my (and others people's )posts are more for me than than the original poster, so I apologize for that. And I am trying to work on that.

So, Live and learn I guess.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Heartbreakhotelguest,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It really helps to get on this site and interact with people who can relate to what you are feeling. I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing. You and I both will get through what we are facing. For me there is Mrs Right out there and for you there is Mr Right out there. I've got no timetable to "get out there and find someone"....it's just one of those things "I'll know" when the time is right.

StillRemains,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. It seems from your tone in your reply that you are over the hump and it's downhill from here on. I agree with you, I (all of us on here) need to use what's happened to us and turn it into a positive in our life...improve ourself, learn from what happened, and become a stronger, better person from it. It's easy to type that out, now I need to act on it. A support group is such a nice thing to have going through this. I've got so many people in my life who will just let me talk and comfort me which helps so much. I work with my soon to be ex wife's mother which is a bit awkward. She did tell me she will always be my mother in law and her daughter is making a big mistake for what it's worth. I feel better just getting on here and typing all of this out. Thank you all for listening and responding to what I have to say.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
MisterRitter,

It is tough. I have spent the last 6 years of my life going to friends homes who are couples, going out to eat just the two of us, going on vacations with each other, etc...

Now ALL of that is gone. I can go out to eat, just not with her. I can hang out with the friends who are couples, I just have to adjust to being the third or fifth wheel for a while. Vacations, well I won't go alone so I just won't go on any trips for a while I suppose. Also I feel the need to let people know I didn't want this to happen and I didn't do anything wrong. I'm afraid of being judged (he must have cheated on her, he must have been abusive, etc...). People who know me would know this isn't true but I still tend to summerize the situation to anyone who asks to not be "the bad guy"
 

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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
Lee,

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. You are right I DO want to save our marriage...it takes two for that to happen. I have tried and tried. I sent her an email about 10 days ago...this was the final attempt in my efforts to save my marriage.

I have been devastated and endured the absolute worst pain over the past few days that I have every experienced. I have never been good at handling my emotions. I have gotten advice from so many people on what to do. Most tell me there’s nothing that can be done and that my marriage has failed. Move on, it's over...just accept it. That’s what everyone is telling me. As a matter of a fact Chris is the only one telling me there is hope left. The people I have spoken to do not know you. They do not know us. If I didn’t think there was hope I would move on. Just to get to this point in this letter has taken 45 minutes. I keep breaking down which I don’t want to do at work. I am debating going home for the rest of the day. I had a dream last night that we were in Seaside, FL. It was just us. We were happy. We were sitting on the porch to a home holding each other. In my dream what is happening to us currently had already happened and was in the past. I hope this dream will become a reality. We have had problems with our relationship for some time. I have chose to ignore it rather than confront it and try to fix it. I would do ANYTHING for you. You are what gives me the strength and courage to face the day. We spoke about our problems shortly after your birthday in July. That was a great first step in solving our problems. The thing is we never acted upon finding a solution. We allowed our marriage to dip right back into the routine it had been in with the same problems coming up. I would move a mountain for you if you asked me to. I'm so heart broken, so lost, and feel so alone. It's tough for me to express my feelings to you, this is in fact what's been the problem I've caused in our marriage, even before our marriage. I have taken you for granted. You are the most caring, loving, beautiful both inside and out, wife that anyone could ask for. I knew it almost 5 years before we were married that you were the one I wanted to share my life with. You have not been happy recently, maybe even longer than recently. Samantha, have you ever been happy with me? Have you ever longed to see me, to be with me, to hold me, to share yourself in every possible aspect with me to your fullest extent? If the answer to that question is yes then allow me to show you that change is in fact possible. I vow to make that change, to get back to the me that you once knew. To get our relationship to the point to where we are connected again. I've prayed to God to help us, to allow you to give me a chance to show you what I can do. I know God will help me. I love you very much and I know there's love between us. I want you to be happy more than anything, I hope I can make you happy. I love you.

I sent her this and her response to me was a email with a PDF file for me to print out and answer 17 pages of questions about finances, assets, etc... for the divorce. She works for an attorney who told her to send that to me to fill out so we can begin the divorce...she did say she's going with "no contest,"

Do I want to save our marriage? YES, with all of my heart. Does she want to save our marriage...NO she doesn't. If I felt fighting would save it then believe me I would fight until the end, but she doesn't want to save it and I don't want to delay my healing process.
 

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A very tough read. Please break it up into smaller paragraphs.

It appears to me you married a woman who's more in love with being in a fantasy than actually contributing to the marriage. Think about it, she married you while keeping the thought of returning to her ex on the back burner. She asked for advice on how to keep an emotional affair and made excuse after excuse to party instead of stay home with her loving husband..... she's 30 for god sakes. That's not something you want to see out there in your 20's. It's depressing as hell to me (I'm 24 btw).

Buddy, you've dodged a bullet and let me tell you exactly why. You started out as a rebound and married her on paper. The actual marriage hasn't even started yet and look at how she wants to behave. Technically you should still be in the head over heels honeymoon stage. But then there's these giant red flags you cannot ignore.... she's crossed some boundaries by keeping this emotional affair going and walking all over you. You absolutely cannot let her do this.

So she cried and said she would never do it again. SHOW OF HANDS PEOPLE: Who else has heard this from their cheating spouse when caught? two-three hundred and, well it's a common trick. Tears of guilt my friend tears of her getting busted and trying to get you to instantly forgive her so she can do it again. I can't believe she would act like this. This is not a woman who deserves to be married to a great faithful guy such as yourself. So do the loving thing and give her the divorce she's asking for.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Nsweet,

You are right. You also made a great point that I really hadn't thought about. I was her rebound from her ex and it became a long term relationship, and then a marriage. The moment he sends her a message she decides to throw everything we had away to go back to him. I do in fact feel lucky. This could have happened after children, this could have happened 10 years from now...for me to be 30 and this happening with no children makes me feel blessed. It's not fun but it could be worse.
 

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Man your story is just like mine. Although she didn't have an ex, we did become emotionally detached for a good 1-2 years. I didn't think it was that bad, but of course i told her I was willing to do anything to keep us married. We went to marriage counseling and that was it (for 1 day). She moved out on a Thursday with just a small bag and told me she wanted this to work. Fast forward to next Tuesday, she comes up to the apartment with her friend (whom i really dislike now) and moved everything she owned out of the apartment.
Seriously? How do you go from saying you want it to work 5 days ago, then do a 180 and say she doesn't want anything to do with me. She told me there wasn't anybody else, but I call BS on that crap. I'm 29 and with no kids. I feel i dodged a bullet too.

Another part of my story is that im in Law Enforcement. She got a DWI (after i sat her down with a "come to Jesus meeting") right after i got off work. You know how embarrassing it is, to be a Cop and having to pick your wife up at the jail to bail her out? All the while everybody knows who you are? She even blamed me for the DWI, telling me the only reason why she drove that night, was b/c she knew i wouldn't pick her up. PATHETIC!!! I never truly forgot that night. Was a lack of disrespect of my job and career on her part.
 

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That's the real take home message for you and all betrayed spouses on here. You're losing a lover, but you're gaining your self respect. You are no longer going to be miserable doing everything you can to be with someone whose clearly doing everything they can to f*ck up a marriage.

Same rule in dating applies: Never chase after anyone who doesn't want you. It's tough, but it will save you from putting yourself in a desperate position and losing any remaining respect they have for you. What was the old saying? Make your #1 your #2 and they'll chase after you. Yeah, it's true!

I can show you the statistics or just tell you, not only will they not workout, she's going to miserable with him and most likely cheat on him as well. I get the impression she has some pretty low self-esteem and tries to cover it with male attention. Life won't be glorious for her after 40 if she keeps this up. You'd think she'd get it by now and leach onto you for kids and money.....

You got away just in the nick of time my friend. There are better women out there..... just don't go looking for them at bars or clubs if you don't want a repeat of this incident.:rofl: I'm only half kidding..... don't get involved with party monsters or future alcoholics.
 

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That's the real take home message for you and all betrayed spouses on here. You're losing a lover, but you're gaining your self respect. You are no longer going to be miserable doing everything you can to be with someone whose clearly doing everything they can to f*ck up a marriage.

Same rule in dating applies: Never chase after anyone who doesn't want you. It's tough, but it will save you from putting yourself in a desperate position and losing any remaining respect they have for you. What was the old saying? Make your #1 your #2 and they'll chase after you. Yeah, it's true!

I can show you the statistics or just tell you, not only will they not workout, she's going to miserable with him and most likely cheat on him as well. I get the impression she has some pretty low self-esteem and tries to cover it with male attention. Life won't be glorious for her after 40 if she keeps this up. You'd think she'd get it by now and leach onto you for kids and money.....

You got away just in the nick of time my friend. There are better women out there..... just don't go looking for them at bars or clubs if you don't want a repeat of this incident.:rofl: I'm only half kidding..... don't get involved with party monsters or future alcoholics.
Yes i met my STBXW at a college party back in the day. That right there should of been a red flag.
 

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Man your story is just like mine. Although she didn't have an ex, we did become emotionally detached for a good 1-2 years. I didn't think it was that bad, but of course i told her I was willing to do anything to keep us married. We went to marriage counseling and that was it (for 1 day). She moved out on a Thursday with just a small bag and told me she wanted this to work. Fast forward to next Tuesday, she comes up to the apartment with her friend (whom i really dislike now) and moved everything she owned out of the apartment.
Seriously? How do you go from saying you want it to work 5 days ago, then do a 180 and say she doesn't want anything to do with me. She told me there wasn't anybody else, but I call BS on that crap. I'm 29 and with no kids. I feel i dodged a bullet too.
*sigh* I get this sort of question on here so much I ought to copy and paste it:rofl:

Basically, you caught her in a lie to which she defended herself telling you she wanted to work things out. This was only so you wouldn't attack her pride and tear her from her image of "the perfect woman". It always about image maintenance here, it's anything she can do to hold onto that image by any means necessary. Meanwhile, she's out tearing you down to friends who will sympathize with her and pump up her ego even more telling her she's right and all that BS. It happens!

Truth is, she had planned on it months and months ago and probably put you through a series of impossible tasks to perform so she could tell herself she's better than you, you're a bad partner/father/man whatever. Never underestimate the power of self preservation. This not unlike what a corporate job would do before you got canned, btw. Don't beat yourself up about this.... even if you passed she would still find excuse after excuse to leave.

I saw it myself in the height of my divorce. The better I treated her in my 180, the more she raged on and lashed out. Really made me laugh to see her family defending me from her attacks and apologizing for siding with her.

The only thing you CAN do now is "act as if" you no longer want to save your marriage and ignore her unless it's about your D papers. It's like dealing with a child, she want's you to want her because it makes her feel special. The minute you stop and pursue something or someone else you're going to see in one way or another "Pay attention to meeeee" and "if you can act like that..... fine!". Makes me laugh to see the games these women learned from their mothers. Please honey, I was raised by the b!tchiest women. I know every game she can think of an more.
 
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