Some outside opinions would be greatly appreciated.
To start, I'm going to try to put my bad side out here, along with hers, she the opinions won't be biased due to lack of information.
Some back ground info - My wife is very spontaneous, rash and acts on impulse. Which scares me.
Some more BG info - I am 21, she is 20. We've been together since 18 and 17. We've gone through some personal, trust destroying dilemmas I'd rather not get into (No cheating) but, lack of...being there in the time of need. Long story short, we've had our problems, but have always muscled through.
We've been together for 3 years, married for going on 1. (****ty, I know) We've separated 4 or 5 times, 3 of them being for no longer than a day, and the last 2, being a week, and around 2 months. We're young, stupid and inexperienced, so I was hoping this place can help me. I am in the 'hail mary' situation at this point.
She is threatening to leave me atleast 3-4 times a week at this point. I am not a perfect man. I have my flaws. You would have to break them down, because I have a hard time listing them, because I see my self as a pretty good guy. Other than I can be jealous at times.
We'll start with jealousy. I'm not sure if my jealous is TOO jealous. She gets angry, beyond, angry, the kind of angry that is, take your insecurities, and cruely throw them at you to purposely hurt you angry, at the slightest sight of my jealousy. She doesn't hang out with men alone, simply because she doesn't want me hanging out with women alone, a rule we established early on. But, a few things she does, I nicely ask her if she could maybe change it up. For instance, she works with a bunch of guys, and they actively seek her to hang out with them and their wives / girlfriends. It kind of bothers me, because she is very out going and it can seem flirtatious, because all men eventually fall for her. She cannot hold down a friendship with a man. They inevitably, ALL fall for her. This is hard fact. So it bothers me. Another thing is, her attire. She was good about it for the first 2 years, but this 3rd year, she has grown a 'I will do whatever I want attitude'. She wears these very tight work out pants, and her boy shorts are detailed out, and it bothers me, because she is very attractive and I witness men staring at her, a lot. Even in front of me. Again, bothers me. She gets livid at this. That is my jealousy.
But, I DO NOT question her faithfulness, at all. She is very faithful, and I trust her. But the surrounding of men, bothers me anyways (Not sure if that is normal).
Another thing she claims, I do not fulfill her emotional needs. I am not there mentally for her. She is one to believe her own lies. She can convince her self of something, even though it isn't true. The first 6 months of our relationship, like most, we're full of passion and mental..thereness. It was perfect. After a year, arguments became more common, etc, etc. Like any relationship, but our love endured. Though she will now, claim that I have never been there. That everything is my fault. I'm not stupid, I know she is subconsciously searching for a guiltless out of the relationship. She has blamed me for ruining her life, etc etc. I left for basic training, Jan of this year, and she broke up with me, via letter, and stopped writing me about 2 weeks into it. Naturally, I was devastated, and my morale, was shot, completely. Eventually after night mares of her leaving me every night, and begging her to get back, I just stopped writing, and listened to my buddies tell me how much tail they're gonna get me, and even started writing another girl my friend gave the address to me. It really did help with coping with the fact that I had lost her forever. Fast forward a couple months, she wants me back, we get married. Everything has been amazing. Generally our relationship has always been good, but spurts here and there she claims I don't 'try' anymore and once that I got her, I stopped trying. Etc, etc. I won't deny it, I don't exactly have the same funny guy, make girls fall in love with me charm anymore. But I was still funny, and made her laugh, and still continue to at this day, but apparently its not 'trying' like I use to.
Fast forward nearly a year. Here we are, things have gotten rough. Again, she claims I'm not trying. I am not there mentally, and my jealousy (or tiny bit of jealousy, that I claim the small bit, is healthy for a relationship) is becoming too much.
I counter her arguments with, she isn't physical enough with me (which she never really has been, I took her virginity, and she has never really been hands on, first, with me) It is I who usually initiates sex, etc. Our love making is grand, and what not, but it bothers me, she doesn't physically make a move first. She is extremely cruel to me, IE, takes things I tell her in confidence that bother me, or make me feel less of my self, and will scream them at me negatively in order to hurt me. She admits she does this, and that I 'bring out the worst' in her. It really does hurt, but I dealt with a nasty divorce as a child, and I told my self, I would never say the hurtful things my parents said, and I would always keep my cool. Which I am very good at. I refrain from saying mean things simply because, it hurts me to hurt her. If that makes sense? I do not yell at her. (I mean, I've yelled, but not argumentatively to the point where its like a bickering sitcom) Very rarely do I yell. I calmly make my points across, but I never say things to hurt her. (Which I think is why she does it, because she doesn't know what its like to feel what I feel, so naturally, she doesn't know a boundary).
More over, I have been reading here, and I think I am having what you may define as the precursor to a PA.
I have no desire to cheat on my wife, not a single bit. But I am finding other women astonishingly attractive. I want to ravage other women, but not so much as to actively pursue it. Like I said, no desire to cheat what so ever. Is that natural in men?
I believe this is due to the lack of sexuality in our life. Not to say its completely devoid of it, but her not imitating sexual contact makes me think I am not good enough, attractive enough, or whatever else enough. I am confident, in that I am a good man, and attractive, but it leads me to believe I'm not.
Long story short, I know we are young, and probably 90% of marriages at our age, result in a bitter destruction. But I love my wife dearly and will exhaust all options to fix this marriage.
Sorry for the book I have just written.
Edit; Though she claims I wasn't there for her, ever. That is false. Her parents have this natural resentment (What I have concluded based upon how they treat her, though she denies it) towards her because she kind of, ruined there little fantasy life. Pregnant at 16, child at 17. Forcing dad to give up professional baseball and join the air force to more hastily support them. Mom forced to work ****ty dead end jobs. She has serious daddy issues. Tries to please him, so much, because I think he neglected her, and still continues to. Her mom is a total *****. Though, they spoil her 2 younger sisters (18, and 8), though my wife made them dinner every anniversary, bought and paid for presents for all 3 sisters for many years, basically, being an ideal daughter. Did most of the house cleaning growing up. When I first met her, she was at bitter turmoil with her family. When her family neglected her, I was there. And she loved it. I think once her parents separated, dad moved out, and she rekindled her relationship with her mom, she lost the need of me being there for her as much. That is one conclusion I have for our slowly-dying-star relationship.
