Going through a divorce - sex with other people

7710 Views 73 Replies 22 Participants Last post by SlowlyGettingWiser, Dec 1, 2012

StagesOfGrief

Discussion Starter · Nov 5, 2012

A tiny back history so you know my situation. My wife cheated on me with an ex prior to our engagement, during our engagement, and after our marriage (6 weeks after marriage). I didnt find out about any of these until after we were married. I was never given a choice. I found out about the EA well before the PA and i gave her two chances over a 3 month period to stop (I then discovered the PA). I didn't rug sweep it, I wasnt completely Mr. Nice Guy, but she had her chances. So I'm divorcing her. My divorce will be final in January. I'm 30.

I know me and I know I won't be ready for 9 - 18 months to seriously date anyone. I need to work on me. My friends are all fine with this that I shouldn't date anyone. I do however have quite a sexual history, as well as most of them (theyre mostly all married now and are faithful good wives/husbands), but they keep trying to set me up with people who know my situation and just want casual sex.

I believe that my morals and character are very strong. I've never cheated on any GF or my STBXW. I keep telling my friends that even though I know there is no chance for reconciliation and that I am getting divorced that I'm not going to sleep with anyone or talk with anyone because in my mind I'm still married and should behave like a married man. All of my friends think I am a moron because my marriage is done and its time to get back on the horse etc, it just doesn't make sense to me.

how do you guys feel about this? have any of you had sex with other people while going through a divorce? Am I completely off base to still value my vows to be faithful until I am legally single again?

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spun

· #2 · Nov 5, 2012

Yes. Been there done it under the same circumstances as you.

Was it surreal.

Yes.

Do I feel guilty or regret it.

Absolutely not.

Moving on before you "feel ready", but as a distraction only, quite alright.
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WorkingOnMe

· #3 · Nov 6, 2012

I wouldn't make the same choice as you, but I understand why you would make it, and I respect it. On the off chance that you get back together, you would feel better about yourself (if you could ignore her laughing behind your back) by continuing to act like a married man.

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dumpedandhappy

· #4 · Nov 6, 2012

I know that for me one friend was astounded that I ended up only meeting one woman and now am in a full on relationship!
He told me that I should be 'out-there', bouncing from one to the next.
And me, I am a very sexual person, people know it, woman love it.

But at 43 with two kids, I couldn't really bring myself back to do that shifting tide thing.

But honestly, I didnt intend to meet this woman to whom now I cannot remove myself.

So the saying goes, " A funny thing happened on the way to Rome."

My thing: you say you need to work on yourself, ok, but we all do that everyday. And But for The Grace of God go We! SO take this day, and find what it brings to you...don't restrict yourself from anything or make excuses. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow...how do you want to go??

We are here for a good time, not a long time.
We are all unique, do what you feel is right, do your best and ....have fun!!

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our vision shattered

· #5 · Nov 6, 2012

i wasn't going to, you'd have to read my thread to really understand but i met someone 3 mos in at a concert, didn't mean too but i did, we dated for 5 weeks & i ended it, it was to fast. my stbxw came to me for a false r, thats done now & i'm not sure, i've been talking to a beautiful woman i've known 10 yrs. she wants to be friends with benifits & see where that goes. wow!!! this is all new to me. i'm just going with the flow & see where i'm at when i'm dying. good luck brother

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Hope1964

· #6 · Nov 6, 2012

I was 29 when I left my first husband and became a single mom. I was not quite 31 when I met my current hubby. We started sleeping together about ten months after that. My divorce was final about three years later.

I had checked out of my marriage years before I left my first husband.

I have only ever slept with these two men.

I have no regrets for doing things the way I did.

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dumpedandhappy

· #7 · Nov 7, 2012

our vision shattered said:
i wasn't going to, you'd have to read my thread to really understand but i met someone 3 mos in at a concert, didn't mean too but i did, we dated for 5 weeks & i ended it, it was to fast. my stbxw came to me for a false r, thats done now & i'm not sure, i've been talking to a beautiful woman i've known 10 yrs. she wants to be friends with benifits & see where that goes. wow!!! this is all new to me. i'm just going with the flow & see where i'm at when i'm dying. good luck brother

See all that is just natural. That's being a human. That's living in a thin strip of atmosphere way out in the Milky Way!

Nothing is forever and we are all for dust. Have all the morals and intregity you want if that's your choice, I hope that leaves you happy at the end of the day.

Good on you OVS for letting yourself go with the flow, letting someone connect and determining for yourself if it feels right. I am sure at the end of the day you are happy with your choices.

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oncehisangel

· #8 · Nov 12, 2012

since my hubby left my ovaries went with him....just followed him right out the door squealing his name . its like a switch has been turned off....

wierdest thing- because I've NEVER been like this...

I think I'm going to become a nun now

actually the first couple of weeks I tried to watch Magic Mike (you know the male stripper movie) It took three different nights to get through because I was repulsed by the male form.

I guess when youre ready you're ready...
scares the hell out of me right now...no offence- but if i even talk to a guy at the moment I have to detach from the fact he even has a willy or I'd probably go postal

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dubbizle

· #9 · Nov 12, 2012

You have great friends.If I ever got divorced I would want friends like your and I would sleep with a whole lot of people.

Can't believe it's over

· #10 · Nov 12, 2012

oncehisangel said:
since my hubby left my ovaries went with him....just followed him right out the door squealing his name . its like a switch has been turned off....

wierdest thing- because I've NEVER been like this...

I think I'm going to become a nun now

actually the first couple of weeks I tried to watch Magic Mike (you know the male stripper movie) It took three different nights to get through because I was repulsed by the male form.

I guess when youre ready you're ready...
scares the hell out of me right now...no offence- but if i even talk to a guy at the moment I have to detach from the fact he even has a willy or I'd probably go postal

:iagree: 100%

WasDecimated

· #11 · Nov 13, 2012

My divorce will be final before Christmas. I am still living with my STBXW until after the D is final.

I am like you. I have no interest in going out with other women right now. Even after the divorce is final I will need time to get my emotional s**t together. I don't know how long it will take. As much as I crave intimacy and sex, I will not pursue anyone until I am emotionally ready. I feel the last thing I need is a rebound relationship right now. As much as I would like to rub a new women in STBXW's face, I just can't do it. I also don't want to give my STBXW ammo to use against me with my children. She is a blame shifter extraordinaire.

It is strange because I've always had a high sex drive but now, sometimes, when I look at other women...I have no interest. All I see is trouble. Because of my STBXW's infidelity I now have deep trust issues now that I never had before. I have read so much about wives cheating in the last couple years that I doubt I will ever trust again.

I do believe that time is my best friend right now. I will need a lot of it.

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Jellybeans

· #12 · Nov 13, 2012

It's YOUR life so YOU know what is best for you.

Personally I think your decision is very commendable and smart.

Why get involved with other people (dating, sexually or otherwise) if you know you are not at all ready for that? There is no point, IMO.

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NoWhere

· #13 · Nov 13, 2012

I don't know what I would do in this situation. My mind says its not right, but if I were in that situation right now I'm not sure I wouldn't jump at the chance. Luckily since I know absolutely no one here and haven't been going out I haven't placed myself into that position to have to answer those questions. I feel so wrecked and vulnerable over the loss of my wife, life and marriage I'm sure a women could persuade me to do almost anything right now.

brendan

· #14 · Nov 20, 2012

yes, been seperated 11 months now, and started having sex twice a week with a gitl in similar situation to me and lunch or dinner too

good sex and dont feel bad about it, first 6 months of split up prob would have though

RandomDude

· #15 · Nov 20, 2012

I keep telling my friends that even though I know there is no chance for reconciliation and that I am getting divorced that I'm not going to sleep with anyone or talk with anyone because in my mind I'm still married and should behave like a married man. All of my friends think I am a moron because my marriage is done and its time to get back on the horse etc, it just doesn't make sense to me.

Your friends are correct, you need to get out there instead of staying loyal to your disloyal wife, but that's just my opinion

The only reason I'm holding off right now in my case is because my STBX and I are still in co-operative terms. From sounds of things, however it's already over between your STBX and you, so why the hell not?

You're not married anymore mate, you're seperated, heading for divorce, with reconciliation out of the question. In other words, you're single, so get out there and enjoy the women who have been craving you for all these years that you've wasted with this cheating "wife" of yours.

Dewayne76

· #16 · Nov 20, 2012

Well, my stbxw and I agreed to a no dating separation at first. Then the last convo we had she said as far as she's been concerned, we're separated and can do what we want, BUT she stated "but that doesn't mean I'm dating / seeing anyone, I don't want anyone, but you can date if you want to"

I kinda saw that as an insult at first. Then I thought, "could be a trap too"

Either way. I've decided that I'm not "dating" anyone, and I'm not going to have sex with anyone until it's all over. I have a beautiful girl that's all into everything I am that's willing to get together. in fact, it almost got close to intimacy the other night.

I will not. I will stay faithful, technically I AM married still. My stbxw may have an epiphany and say "WTH am I DOING?" and want to work on things. I won't know how I'll take it or respond to that, but I'd like to know if I did decide to try R, I'll have a clear head.

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BigMac

· #17 · Nov 20, 2012

I will not. I will stay faithful,

To who ? To your STBXW ? I don't think you'll win her back this way - even opposite !

But if you date you'll get her jealous ... and then ... woman though is : if other woman like him so should I too ! I've seen that allot !

RandomDude

· #18 · Nov 20, 2012

But if you date you'll get her jealous ... and then ... woman though is : if other woman like him so should I too ! I've seen that allot !

Ah the jealousy game, good times

Beware though, it's a card that should only be played cautiously

Dewayne76

· #19 · Nov 21, 2012

No, I don't want to date to make her jealous anymore. I want to date to be happy with someone's company that enjoys mine.

Tech. or not, we're are still bound. There's a big term here you guys ought to know well... "It ain't over till the gavel comes down"

Well, I hold true to that. We got married and put it on paper. To me, if it ain't over till the gavel falls, then my marriage isn't over till it falls.

To each his own, but whether you see it or not.. I'm not being faithful to my wife, I'm being faithful to my MARRIAGE! One in the same? I don't know, but I don't want to cheat. Period. Respect it or not. It's my wish, it's MY MORAL AND MY VALUE!

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06Daddio08

· #20 · Nov 21, 2012

This is completely up to the person IMO.

If the separation is leading to divorce for sure, then I do not see a problem with dating or sleeping with anyone else.

Most places, you only need to wait "x" amount of days to become "Legally Separated".

The only thing you cannot do, is remarry until you are divorced.

There are rebounds all the time.

Not everyone has clarity on where they want to go in life and make mistakes.

Some end up being with that person for years to come.

It's a crap-shoot really.

Although, I do have an issue with people using others simply because they want to make themselves feel better.

Manipulation and such.

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