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Hello.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years this June. We have known each other for about 5 years. I am 38, she is 39. We both travel for our jobs, I am a pilot, she is a consultant.

Last November-December, she told me she has been seeing a therapist. It caught me off guard, and initially I was upset that she hid that from me. During most of last year, our physical relationship wasn't really strong. Our sex life wasn't really strong, and I know I am partially to blame for that. She would mention that when she walked around naked that I wouldn't notice her. I don't know if this was because I was too comfortable in the marriage, or stress with work, or what.

In January she suggested we go to couples consoling. I wasn't a fan but agreed. We went maybe 4 times. I was open in all sessions, took the advice of the consouler, and from January til this past weekend, things have been really good for us. More intimate, better bond, feeling closer to each other. Fast forward to this past Saturday. I stumbled upon emails, showing she had been having an affair with a married guy at her work. The affair was about 10 months last year, ending in November. She was out in CA for work when I confronted her about it. I asked her Who Van was. She said a coworker. Then I asked if she had a relationship with him? Exchanged dirty emails? Had a sexual affair with him? She said No. I told her I saw the emails and hung up. She called back, sobbing, apologizing and saying it was true. I told her I didn't want to talk to her and hung up. Shortly after that, her password to gmail was changed (we have always been open with our passwords and not hiding anything). She bought a plane ticket on Saturday to fly home for the weekend. She leaves today to go back to CA for work for at least a week.

We talked about it, she admits she did wrong, and says she will do anything to make this work. She told me she deleted the emails. She said they serve no purpose anymore. I told her if anything is to work, I need passwords to everything. She agreed. I told her I was disappointed she never brought this up to me in the consoling session, as it wasn't fair to me. She agreed. She told me that i was not giving her the attention she needed, and when someone at work gave her that attention things happened. She admits it was wrong. I told asked her why she would not come to me sooner, take me to her therapist, get consoling when there was an urge to cheat. She didn't know. I told her when we met, I've been cheated on twice in the past with women I've dated, and that to never do that to me as that hurts the worst.

We don't fight much at all. Besides the lack of intimacy, I really have nothing bad to say about the marriage. She is very supportive. We both are paying down debt, have no kids yet, own a condo together, and planning for our futures together.

My question is, what do I do? One friend from college has told me that I should kick her out, call a lawyer and be done with it. He asked if I want to live my life as a "Warden" or "Corrections Officer" always having to look over her shoulders to make sure she is being truthful.

I've read trust can be rebuilt, and sometimes it is stronger than it was before an incident. I do love her, but I am just devastated. Any words to help during this rough time would be appreciated. Thank you for listening.
 

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My question is, what do I do? One friend from college has told me that I should kick her out, call a lawyer and be done with it. He asked if I want to live my life as a "Warden" or "Corrections Officer" always having to look over her shoulders to make sure she is being truthful.
:iagree: with your friend.

The fact that you have no kids together makes this a no-brainer decision in my mind. And the fact that you both travel with your jobs makes it likely that she will be a repeat offender.

I'm sorry you're here. Stick around, you're about to get heaps of good advice.
 

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I realize the affair that you know about seems to be over for a while. However, I would still insist on std tests. Protect your health.

You have no kids and she is cheating and lying just over a year into your marriage if I understand your timeline

You have no kids and your marriage doesn't sound that healthy. She also did this while going thru couples counseling with you.

Your wife has no issue lying to you Are you sure you know everything? Insist on a written timeline and ask about other affairs as well.

Her immediate change of her password so she could delete the emails sucks

Take care of yourself. Do not get her pregnant right now. Speak to a lawyer to at least get some options. Take your time making a decision

By all means tell posoms wife. She deserves to know. You may also find out more this way

Does your wife still work with posom
 

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So sorry to hear about your WS. Just a little bit of encouragement, take care of yourself and read some of the threads by EleGirl, she and others on TAM have been very helpful and supportive.
 
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If you want to take the road of Reconciliation, you should read this :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

If you prefer the road of the divorce, you should do a 180, put your duck inrow, and serve her.
The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

In both case the OM wife must be informed.
Same about exposure, whatever your chose, you need to expose, only for protect yourself of what she can say about you around her, and for allow you to reach your support network.

As you been cheated several times, I advice you to read "no more mr nice guy" by Robert Glover. https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

The fact she deleted the proof is against her.
She has lost the right to find what is relevant or not.
 

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Do you have her new gmail password? If so, check to see if she just deleted the emails and they are still in the trash folder, or if she emptied the trash, too. You need those emails.

It sounds like she started individual counseling and you started marriage counseling a couple months after the affair ended? And she is the one who initiated this? I think this is a good thing and points to her actually being remorseful. I do think it's possible to rebuild, but she needs to be totally transparent all the time.

And you will be strongly advised to tell the other man's wife to decrease chances of them going back to each other.
 

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Here's my advice. There are two types of cheating scenarios. 1. An otherwise OK person lacks something in their marriage and it opens the door for cheating and 2. The cheater is a bad person who will cheat whether or not something is wrong in the marriage.

If you are dealing with scenario 1 and you know what you did wrong to contribute to it and wish to try to fix it, that's something you can choose to do. However, I think it's going to be nearly impossible to build a proper connection in your marriage if you two don't spend a huge amount of time together daily.
 

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So she had therapy and counselling and lied throughout.

Yikes.
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I'm guessing she probably did not lie to her individual counselor.

Was she ever questioned about cheating during marriage counseling? (Not that I'm excusing her not divulging that in counseling)
 

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With childless couple i'll always say divorce. It's just the two of you now what will happen when a the babies arrive ?
And don't listen to her blameshift, if she needs more attention she should've brought it up. Last year you sex relationship wasn't strong because she was doing it with the coworker. Not your fault at allShe cheated because it was way easier compare to working out a problem, if there was any.

You're getting a trickle truth here, if she was open and remorseful she'd have no objection about you reading their emails. She's hiding something, something way uglier that she doesn't want you to know. Can you go on R while you're in the dark ?
 

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1) No kids

2) Only confessed after being confronted, tried to lie her way out of it and delete emails so no remorse

3) Both travel for work so basically impossible to keep tabs on her, fake email accounts and burner phones easy to hide

4) Only married three years and cheated for one of them (that you know of). 33% of your marriage has been a sham.

5) Oh yeah, no kids


Buy your college buddy a beer and some buffalo wings. Thank him for the awesome advice. He's on point with his assessment...
 

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I've read trust can be rebuilt, and sometimes it is stronger than it was before an incident. I do love her, but I am just devastated.
NO, no, no. Not matter what you can never get back to the same level of trust. Before you had blind trust and couldn’t conceive of her betraying you to that degree. Now the idea is conceivable because it happened. You can’t go back in time and change that.

He asked if I want to live my life as a "Warden" or "Corrections Officer" always having to look over her shoulders to make sure she is being truthful.
Your friend’s question is right on the mark.

We both travel for our jobs, I am a pilot, she is a consultant.
Something as trivial as her taking too long at the grocery store can be upsetting. Your jobs make it much worse. How will you ever not wonder?

I am 38, she is 39.
The decades (40, 50) are prime time for affairs. They want to see if they still have it before growing old with their spouse.

Don’t get her pregnant.

Did the affair overlap with the counseling?
 

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Only married 3 years and no kids get out now.
Compared to some guys you are quite lucky although you may not see it now.
You may want to tell her you won't expose her as a h0re if she agrees to a clean split.
If not have at it.
 

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Not much of a commitment on her side is it?

Less than three years in, she needs outside attention to validate she's attractive and to make her happy? Where on any list of 'how to get my husband to pay attention to me' is going out and finding a boyfriend?

Believe me if she wasn't happy, it was her job to take the first steps to sort that out, not yours. We are all responsible for ourselves. We are all responsible for our part in the marriage. The A wasn't about you, it was about her, 100%.

She's got problems that won't be fixed for a long time. Think about parting ways while you're young, so you can and find what we all deserve, someone who can keep a commitment...

Best

BTW, how is your health and emotional well being?
 

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:iagree: with your friend.

The fact that you have no kids together makes this a no-brainer decision in my mind. And the fact that you both travel with your jobs makes it likely that she will be a repeat offender.

I'm sorry you're here. Stick around, you're about to get heaps of good advice.
:iagree:

Only married 3 years? Count yourself lucky you found out this early. Divorce this deadbeat, and have a good life without her.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Who's responsibility is it to inform the spouse of her coworker about the affair? I told her she needs to do it. She doesn't see that has anything positive coming from that approach.
 
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