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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I have been dating a man for the past 14 months. We both had children. I had 3 girls (8, 6, 4), him 2 girls (11, 9). We moved in together since were so excited about this new family. He had been divorced for 4 years. Planned a August wedding, we ended up canceling. We also in the midst of this were expecting a new one of our own a little boy, he was born in Oct.

Long story short. The moving in together didn't go that great. He ended up moving out a mere 5 months later. The biggest issue we disagreed on the kids. So we disconnected. I felt abandoned while carrying his child, and he decided to leave. I felt as if he chose the two kids over me, the other kids, and then our kid together.

We have tried to continue on the relationship long distance he lives an hour away, and it was difficult. I have been the primary caretaker of our child since he was born. He said that he thought that is what we would do until we could all be together. he wanted me to rent out my house and move up there with my kids to be with him in July 2013. Well long story short things have gone downhill. I told him in therapy prior to him moving that if he moved it would be over. Not because I wanted it to, but because of my needs for time i didn't feel it could be worked on from afar. He had been coming down for about a day or so at a time each week at best sometimes less. Due to having kids we haven't gone on any dates. He has never invited me down to his new place an hour away. He would stay anywhere from a few hours to the entire day and stay over. However each time it left it felt like he was leaving all over again. I feel like I have to sacrifice not having the kind of relationship I signed up for due to him feeling it was best for him to leave. I didn't sign up for a "phone conversation relationship" or to just get a visit when it suits him. He said to me the other day joking, "I have you wrapped around my finger" and I think he really believes this. He says he loves me and is in love with me but just doesn't understand what I need. For instance he was coming up pick up our son yesterday I asked him repeatedly to stay and hang out with "us" for the night. I hadn't seen him in a week. He never responded. He then after eating a meal I cooked for him (I always cook for him when he comes) said, "Ok i'm going to get ready to leave". Well I flipped went off on him for being so inconsiderate. He then relented and said he would stay. So I responded by telling him it was over and to leave. I don't want a person that I have to ask to want to stay with me or coach. I felt like if he really wanted to stay he would have responded to me asking or would have asked himself. At the end of it he said well I didn't know if that's what you really wanted. However I had asked though several times. It bothers me that he never wants to talk about issues that we have while we are together. He said at the time he just wants to focus on the good. But for it it's like how can we fit it if the only time we discuss it is over the phone. Due to the way he left I feel very insecure in this situation. I need to feel like he wants this and is really working towards this. That I am "IT" for him, and no matter what he is there and committed to this. His biggest complaint is needing to feel supported. I feel I do that. I take care of his kid day in and day out financially and physically. I try to treat him nicely when he comes. This is hard because of the way I feel internally.

My questions are:

What should I do try or give up on this?
Do you think he's cheating? He swears this isn't it
How can I communicate my feelings to him and he understand?
Should I break all contact with him besides our kid?
If so, do you think he'll finally get it?
What could we do in order to satisfy both us in already hard situation?

I love this man dearly and want desperately for it to work but not sure how.


Sorry so long wanted to give you all info.
 

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So you told him if he moved it was over, then you both stay in contact but he's unsure of where he stands? Frankly, I would be, too.

Were you bluffing when you said it would be over? If so, it sounds like you lost. If not, then it's over and he's being friendly and that's all you're going to get out of this relationship.

The fact that he put his kids, then your kids and then your mutual kid before you doesn't make him a bad guy. In fact, if he was that accepting of your kids, he's not bad at all.

Take a step back and clarify for yourself what you want. If you want to make this work, you both need a conversation about what WILL make it work. I've always liked driving around in a car for these conversations... away from the kids, neither of you can walk away. Just two people with nothing to do but talk (and drive).

To answer your questions:

What should I do try or give up on this?

Your own answer is "I love this man dearly and want desperately for it to work".

Do you think he's cheating? He swears this isn't it

Can't answer that, but maybe by agreeing to move up with him will answer that. But if you said it was over, then it isn't "cheating".

How can I communicate my feelings to him and he understand?

Do the drive thing. Be honest but not argumentative.

Should I break all contact with him besides our kid?

"I love this man dearly and want desperately for it to work"

If so, do you think he'll finally get it?

Don't try to bluff him. State your feelings and if those feelings are "we have to work this out or we're history", then make sure you mean it.

What could we do in order to satisfy both us in already hard situation?

There has to be compromise, I'm just not sure either of you want to compromise just yet.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks Chris. No bluff on me telling him if he left it would be over. I said that due to me knowing what my needs were and I couldn't see how it would be worked on if he left. I would be sacrificing and my needs would be met. That is exactly what has happened. I have tried to be clear in my messages to him but it doesn't seem to get it. I used the example of me asking him to stay last night and he decided to go. He only changed his mind when I brought it up to him?
 

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"Going insane" is a good title for this post because you sound like a big 'ol bag of crazy, OP.

You told him if he moves, it's over. He moved, so it's over. You have kids to raise, and that means you can't afford the luxury of all this drama. For their sake, you need to get yourself and your family into as stable a situation as you can manage. Once you have created a stable environment, either he will come around or he won't. You can't control his behavior, but you can control yours and your kids need you to start acting like an adult.

Get it together.
 

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Focus now on what is best for the kids.

Because of the new child you and he will probably continue some contact.

And while on the subject of kids, quit having them!
 

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I know you love him & want to be a family, but he doesn't seem to want that by his actions. He doesn't meet your needs. You have 4 young children to take care of & they should be your primary focus. This man is not your husband. You owe him nothing.

Ruminating & analyzing his every word & action is a waste of time.

I hope he's paying you child support. I don't even think he is seeing his son enough but that's just me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You are right my focus should only be my kids. I placed so many hopes on this and sad it didn't work out. He is not paying child support. He just this week started to take LO Monday thur wednesday. I know this is to avoid paying child support. When asked before he was ok seeing him once a week or every other weekend. Kills me to have my son away and I blame him for making this be the situation.

My needs have gone unmet for so long it's hard to function and it came out as anger frustration and being rude. I felt like he just wanted me to continue on. Told me my problem is my mouth and maybe if I shut up then I would get what I wanted. Ie: marriage, family, my needs being met.
 
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