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In marriage counselling last week, I admitted that in spite of (minimal) progress, I still wanted a divorce.
My husband's response to this was "I made a vow to God to stay married for life, and I'm not leaving. We can live together as friends or as enemies, it's your choice".
He doesn't go to church, but does believe strongly in God , and in commitment/loyalty.
So his statement didn't surprise me, but it did hurt.
Then a few days later, he's been playing with the kids more and bought a big purchase for the house (he had refused to buy anything lately saying he was afraid I would "kick him out").
I get the feeling that he is playing "good guy" and I don't trust this latest action. Or is this his way of trying to make up?
The thing is, if he is trying to be a better father, etc., I still want a divorce. I'm broken inside. I don't think there's anything he can do to reverse that. The marriage counsellor seems to think we still have potential, etc., so why do I feel so bad?
 

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Tequilalime, there are many reasons why he could be doing this. Me personally I made a commitment to God, and I am letting my wife go because for whatever reason, she feels different.

I would rather be in a committed marriage where there is love and respect then the absence of either or both. Do you have any particular reasons why you want to divorce that you can say?

Your husband is obviously on thin ice and feels threatened. The question is can he enact a permanent change that is the best for your relationship and the family? Could you accept him and change to meet his needs (if there are any complaints) as well?
 

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T,

My wife was dead set that our marriage was over. Nothing was going to work in her own words. We did MC and Marriage workshops, and I can say we are both back in Love.

Don't give up hope, especially if you have kids. MC is much easier than D and the best thing to try for all of you...kids included.

My Wife thought my personal changes were a front, but honestly it was who I was the whole time. All she was seeing was the reflection of herself on me.

Let a professional help your ill marriage, just like you would go to a doctor for any other illness.
 

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Hey, tequilalime:

As usual, your H has to resort to being a bully!
"I made a vow to God to stay married for life, and I'm not leaving. We can live together as friends or as enemies, it's your choice".
And you wonder whether he's 'playing good guy' and his change is insincere and short-lived? I think the above quote PROVES his change is insincere and short-lived.

Your H has NO intention of changing except as minimally as possible and for as short of a duration as possible to get you back. And if you DO come back, don't think he won't make you pay for this mutiny...because HE WILL. It might not be today or tomorrow, but he will make you pay...and pay...and pay.

Nothing has changed about his behavior towards your sons either. He still has not apologized for saying the 7yo is RUINING THE FAMILY, has he? He still hasn't changed from yelling at you, insulting you, demeaning you, has he?

Get your sons away from him. He is a BAD ROLE MODEL on how to be a man, how to be an adult, how to be a husband, how to be a father. You and your sons deserve some peace and love (real love...not I'll LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DO WHAT *I* WANT) in your lives.

Honestly, MY response to him would be, "As far as living together as friends or as enemies, my choice? I choose neither. I choose NOT to live together. You want to be my enemy? Your choice."
 

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Tequilalime, I can somewhat see how your husband is thinking. I am the one who said I would never get a divorce in my relationship, not necessarily because of religion, but because of how my parents' divorce affected me. My dad got out, despite my mother having a similar attitude ("we are staying together even if we have to fake being happy") and now I am similarly wondering where to draw the line between forcing my marriage to work (though we don't have kids yet) and cutting my losses.
In your case, he is at least going to MC with you, and appears to be prepared to make it work. If you feel that it is just "faking" a marriage, it seems somewhat silly to me to keep going with it.

The thing that is tearing me up inside is that I know examples of both scenarios working successfully. I know couples who were at the breaking point, stayed together for the kids, and now they're fine. I also know couples who broke it off and are now happy in second marriages.

Since I know I didn't really give a solid opinion on your situation (could be because I am struggling with a similar dilemma?), I will say that I recommend giving it due time, letting it sink in, and perhaps a period of separated reflection might be helpful, since that's what I'm doing. How long did you say you have been going at this? I am giving mine a fair shot, because I don't really want to rely on my own impulses. Say, several months of counseling, workshops, and reflection to make sure I feel the way I feel, because divorce is not a light topic with me.

I guess the bottom line would be: are you or will you be happy? And there are cases in which the unsure party may make the rash decision and make an irreversible mistake in calling it quits too soon. Yet, sometimes it is for the best to call it quits... But you should want to know without a doubt before making the choice for good.

Jeez, I should have been this methodical when I was getting engaged.
 
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