So...been through Sex In Marriage, Coping With Infidelity, and now here I am. Divorce. One could say TAM has failed me and my marriage...but I know that couldnt be further from the truth...my W did that. My thread has been a roller coaster ride for almost a month now. And my life has been that for nearing three months. With the help of this forum, professionals and friends, I find myself serving my STBX papers coldly and calmly, as if it were easy.
But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)
A couple years of regular work travel, and one day it's all over. And now she is too, as are we. She became infatuated with some dou**e selling her a story of why I am not deserving of such a sexy, fantastic, fun-loving girl, actually fell in love with him over a few months of chronic texting, ph calls and video chat sex (and then PA) on the road, and handed over our marriage to him. I felt it, gathered evidence and tried to stop it, but she chose to continue and let it happen against my strongest wishes...testing my strength.
My strength, which I didn't remember I had, my friends and this forum have brought me here. I am gone, moved out, shocked that my months of overtures, pleas, then calm demands and demonstration of massive self-improvement for the sake of our marriage have gone essentially unnoticed and disrespected. She has no money (at the moment at least), no dogs (we've raised and loved two from pups over the last 7+ years) and now she has to maintain a house she can't easily afford by herself now that I've moved out.
Now I'm sending process servers to make the clock start ticking...because she is showing me she doesn't CARE that she f***ed some guy while married to me, her husband, lover, friend. She wants me to think it's my fault SHE did these things. The things I had to do to discover proof of this are "sick" to her.
And tonight I find myself knowing I'm doing the right thing...but also having a hard time blocking out all the good memories...there are so many. What do I do with them? Sell them on craigslist? Feel so strong about 95% of the time...then I accidentally run across a picture or two as I'm setting up my computer gear in my new apt, and I'm crying w my dogs for an hour. Grown man, in charge of the sitch, many steps ahead of her at this point in the D. But wish I could take that 5% and shove it up her *** for what she's done to my great memories. I want them all back so I can throw them away. But I can't. The good times were great, but she is gone now, and now so am I...all I hear from her now is how I'm a (insert your negative descriptor) for effing with people's lives, never anything about her months of planned adultery being wrong in any way.
Tomorrow is attempt number two for her to be served. Hope she answers the door this time. Let's get this ball rolling so I can feel good again. Different every day, forgive my apparent weakness for love lost...
My attorney tells me to put being "nice" right out of my head...does it get easier to do that, or am I in for months of method acting to end this (newly defined) sham of a marriage?
No pun intended. FML.
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But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)
A couple years of regular work travel, and one day it's all over. And now she is too, as are we. She became infatuated with some dou**e selling her a story of why I am not deserving of such a sexy, fantastic, fun-loving girl, actually fell in love with him over a few months of chronic texting, ph calls and video chat sex (and then PA) on the road, and handed over our marriage to him. I felt it, gathered evidence and tried to stop it, but she chose to continue and let it happen against my strongest wishes...testing my strength.
My strength, which I didn't remember I had, my friends and this forum have brought me here. I am gone, moved out, shocked that my months of overtures, pleas, then calm demands and demonstration of massive self-improvement for the sake of our marriage have gone essentially unnoticed and disrespected. She has no money (at the moment at least), no dogs (we've raised and loved two from pups over the last 7+ years) and now she has to maintain a house she can't easily afford by herself now that I've moved out.
Now I'm sending process servers to make the clock start ticking...because she is showing me she doesn't CARE that she f***ed some guy while married to me, her husband, lover, friend. She wants me to think it's my fault SHE did these things. The things I had to do to discover proof of this are "sick" to her.
And tonight I find myself knowing I'm doing the right thing...but also having a hard time blocking out all the good memories...there are so many. What do I do with them? Sell them on craigslist? Feel so strong about 95% of the time...then I accidentally run across a picture or two as I'm setting up my computer gear in my new apt, and I'm crying w my dogs for an hour. Grown man, in charge of the sitch, many steps ahead of her at this point in the D. But wish I could take that 5% and shove it up her *** for what she's done to my great memories. I want them all back so I can throw them away. But I can't. The good times were great, but she is gone now, and now so am I...all I hear from her now is how I'm a (insert your negative descriptor) for effing with people's lives, never anything about her months of planned adultery being wrong in any way.
Tomorrow is attempt number two for her to be served. Hope she answers the door this time. Let's get this ball rolling so I can feel good again. Different every day, forgive my apparent weakness for love lost...
My attorney tells me to put being "nice" right out of my head...does it get easier to do that, or am I in for months of method acting to end this (newly defined) sham of a marriage?
No pun intended. FML.
Posted via Mobile Device
