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I think you are setting a pretty low bar if all you expect to do is to "accept" his child. I agree that going to counseling to help you figure out what your boundaries are with respect to stepchildren would be really helpful, and I do not think it would be a good idea to marry this man unless you and he have talked honestly and in depth about your limits.

For now --
I don't see anything wrong with saying to your fiance -- I love you, but I do not want to move forward with blending our lives (by marrying, through finances) until you and your ex have settled your custody battle.
After the custody battle is settled and before you marry you & your H should try to work out (in writing) expectations for your role in parenting his daughter.
As far as being a step parent -- READ up on this. If you marry this man, you will be spending time (in a parenting role) with your step daughter for 15+ years. You need to educate yourself about how to approach parenting a step child. From what I've read it takes 5 years before children will accept their new step parent as a "real" part of the family -- so you can expect (at least initially) that this will be a rollercoaster ride and will put a huge stress on your relationship. There is a reason why 75% of second marriages fail when children are involved! It's not easy.
 
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