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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I want to say that I am glad to find a place online where I can talk with others that are in the same boat as me and my husband.

We've been married for 20 years this year, and in the last few years, our sex life has been dwindling down to zip because of ED. Yep, that dreaded ED and the fact that no one wants to talk about it. But, in order to get through it, you HAVE to talk about it. We're talking, and arguing and probably not making this the poster child for reconciliation, but hey, this is my first marriage.

Background: Hubbs was married before and his wife denied him sex. He went outside of marriage, found me, divorced her and married me. Which probably gives him more issues on this than me, but I've got my own baggage from a childhood of neglect. And he's 16 years older than me.

So there's that.

After trying to be as supportive and non-judgemental about the whole ED issue for a few years while we had no health insurance, I put my foot down and said, you NEED to see a Dr. to see if this is medical or not. He dithered for another month and then I said, no............and made the appt. The diagnosis was a weight gain of 70 pounds and wildly off the charts High Blood Pressure. So ...at least we know why.

But after years of not talking about this, there's issues on both of our sides. Him with the excuses that it was just "Getting Old" and me with the usual thoughts that I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, GOOD enough to turn him on. There's been a lot of hurtful words, lot of anger to slog through here. And I needed to find a place to vent.

Because as I've been supportive and understanding, I'm feeling a lot more like I'm the one who's needing some support and understanding from HIM. While he's got the weight issues and HBP, I'm fine...totally fine and healthy, with a healthy libido waiting and wanting my husband's attention. It's like I'm being punished for wanting sex with my husband.
 

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Welcome to TAM.

Hopefully you can find the resources and the help that you require to get the Mojo back in your marriage.

Well, damn! I just aged my self, there pretty good, huh? :rofl:

You'll find a whole bunch of people here, many who have been where you are, so we have a lot of collective wisdom to offer you.
 

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ED is not the end of one's sex life. Intimacy comes in many forms between the sheets, in the shower, and general loving touch.

Sometimes it's easier to start back with a soft approach like showering together.

Human touch is a necessity of happy human life.

His self esteem is likely busted to all hell and shutting down is his defense mechanism to avoid it.
 

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I want to say that I am glad to find a place online where I can talk with others that are in the same boat as me and my husband.

We've been married for 20 years this year, and in the last few years, our sex life has been dwindling down to zip because of ED. Yep, that dreaded ED and the fact that no one wants to talk about it. But, in order to get through it, you HAVE to talk about it. We're talking, and arguing and probably not making this the poster child for reconciliation, but hey, this is my first marriage.

Background: Hubbs was married before and his wife denied him sex. He went outside of marriage, found me, divorced her and married me. Which probably gives him more issues on this than me, but I've got my own baggage from a childhood of neglect. And he's 16 years older than me.

So there's that.

After trying to be as supportive and non-judgemental about the whole ED issue for a few years while we had no health insurance, I put my foot down and said, you NEED to see a Dr. to see if this is medical or not. He dithered for another month and then I said, no............and made the appt. The diagnosis was a weight gain of 70 pounds and wildly off the charts High Blood Pressure. So ...at least we know why.

But after years of not talking about this, there's issues on both of our sides. Him with the excuses that it was just "Getting Old" and me with the usual thoughts that I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, GOOD enough to turn him on. There's been a lot of hurtful words, lot of anger to slog through here. And I needed to find a place to vent.

Because as I've been supportive and understanding, I'm feeling a lot more like I'm the one who's needing some support and understanding from HIM. While he's got the weight issues and HBP, I'm fine...totally fine and healthy, with a healthy libido waiting and wanting my husband's attention. It's like I'm being punished for wanting sex with my husband.
Well lets start with how old both of you when you met and how old you are now?

It's like you said given how your relationship started, and possibly the age difference I think there is probably a lot of baggage here.

For instance are you sure his ex-wife shut him down and it wasn't the same problem? Maybe she wan't the one not wanting sex.

Is he doing anything to address his issues now that you know what they are?
 
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A few thoughts...

How is his testosterone level? That may be a factor as well. Then there's pills... Maybe he needs to see a urologist.

Aside from that, he isn't getting old, he's getting lazy. Not to make you do all the heavy lifting, but if you don't, start taking walks together. Like Mr. Marriage suggested, shower together or maybe do some other experimenting.

Another thought... is he watching porn? This can create it's own set of issues for not desiring your spouse with all those internet women turning you on.

Lastly, and I say this as a matter of fact only, perhaps in addition to all this there may be some latent guilt about betraying his wife and leaving her for you. One of my friends betrayed his wife, left her and now 25 years later regrets the way he treated her in that regard and, low and behold, he now has ED issues as well. And he remarried a very beautiful woman (and he also has a porn addiction).

Anyway, food for thought.
 

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The diagnosis was a weight gain of 70 pounds and wildly off the charts High Blood Pressure. So ...at least we know why.
Weight gain (while problematic) and high blood pressure (also problematic) generally cause ED because of the medications used to treat those symptoms. When someone with HBP takes medication to lower their pressure and also limit the fluids/salts retained in the body, that is when things tend to deflate if you know what I mean.

https://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/guide/blood-pressure-medication-and-ed#1
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
A few thoughts...

Lastly, and I say this as a matter of fact only, perhaps in addition to all this there may be some latent guilt about betraying his wife and leaving her for you. One of my friends betrayed his wife, left her and now 25 years later regrets the way he treated her in that regard and, low and behold, he now has ED issues as well. And he remarried a very beautiful woman (and he also has a porn addiction).

Anyway, food for thought.
You know, I had thought about the affair angle from a different standpoint, but that might be a thing too. Now that the 'tables have turned' so to speak, and he's in the situation that his ex-wife was in, there may be some guilt about how he handled it. Hadn't thought of that!

He's been making snide comments lately about 'doing the whole plant' which means shagging some guy at work. I work with 99% guys. I guess he's thinking that since I was his mistress at one time, that I'd drop him like a hat for some other guy. Have I thought about it? Well, yeah. Have I done ANYTHING other than think? No. But it is ticking me off that he'd think I'd be so easy to drop this marriage.

Low T is one thing I've seen on other talks about ED and I think it would be a good idea to try. For now, the weather is warmer and he's into gardening big time, so that gets him more active. I'm thinking of ways to get him more active, since he's not really a go to the gym or hit the treadmill kind of guy. Which would make this SO much easier.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well lets start with how old both of you when you met and how old you are now?

It's like you said given how your relationship started, and possibly the age difference I think there is probably a lot of baggage here.

For instance are you sure his ex-wife shut him down and it wasn't the same problem? Maybe she wan't the one not wanting sex.

Is he doing anything to address his issues now that you know what they are?
So I was 28 when we met, and he was 43. Yep, 16 years age difference. For the majority of the 20 years we've been together, it's not been an issue. I swear some days I was born with an old soul cannot fit in with others my own age. When we met, I told him he didn't act like the guys his age and so we were pretty compatable.

I'm taking his word about what the issues were with his ex because I never met her. They were married for 24 years, have 2 sons together and he had a vasectomy after the 2nd boy. I have one son from a previous relationship and we have no kids together.

Intimacy-wise, we were going great in bed until about 3 years ago, when we noticed that certain positions made deflation happen quickly. Over the span of about a year, we lost all the positions. We are working now on trying alternatives to the usual thing and it's ...well, hit and miss. It depends on our ability to be honest about something we didn't even need to talk about before.
 
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