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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm no writer by any means so if this seems jumbled or erratic, I apologize. I just need some feedback before the weekend.
My wife and I have been married for a very long time, the kids just left the nest and we are now enjoying a few grand-kids, yes we and they started young. We are in our mid 40's and the house is finally to ourselves. Every marriage goes through rough waters but it just seems like there is no peaceful waters anymore. It basically started about 5 years back when we where in a typical argument (can't remember about what) when she said "I love you but I'm not "in" love with you". WOW!! ok, so the argument passes and things are normal so I don't think anything of it until I start to realize that sex is getting harder to come by. The arguments are becoming one sided meaning the only thing that matters is her side, no more compromises. This goes on to this day. The sex went down to maybe once a month, arguments still one sided, I would take care of her (when she's sick, rubbing her feet/back/neck, fix her home made chicken soup etc) and receive nothing in return, as in a Thank You or something special when she is better or anything to show appreciation.

She takes me for granted that's for sure. Examples, I do the bills, groceries, cooking, lawn, garbage, laundry, dishes and clean. She'll only clean when the kids are coming over. She feels if she's working that day she can't do anything productive in the house (including cooking) and the weekends 90% of the time are for just laying around. One time the garbage was over flowing and she took a plastic shopping bag and hung it on the cupboard handle to put more garbage in instead of taking the garbage bag out of the can and putting in an empty bag. I asked why and she said "isn't that the mans job?". I called her from work and asked her to do the dishes. Her response was "You actually called me just to ask me to do the dishes?". I did so because I was at work and she had the day off and I've done them the last 9 times. Needless to say they didn't get done. But she did do them the following weekend. It got to the point where I finally said I can't do it all myself. I need help around here. That's when she did the dishes and cleaned some.

Sex is also one sided when we do have it. I spend 45 minutes getting her ready, she just wants me to do her. No getting me ready. I'm not 20 anymore, I need her to get me ready too. I need attention. So I nicely brought it up and her response was "well your inside me, isn't that enough?". Um... No. Still no change. Last week she sat her laundry out, didn't ask me to do them, just sat it out for me to get. I did it. So I took her nightie she used to wear and placed it on her side of the bed. She threw it on the floor where it still lays today.

A few years back we did do the "Love Bank" thing. That was a disaster. It doesn't work when she wants to be the banker too. My love deposits were only worth a tiny fraction, and since they are only worth so little, I had to build up deposits in order for her to even think about making one. And that still continues to this day. I'm an affectionate person, so I'm always looking for ways to try and make her happy albeit it may be something small... like picking her up gummy bears. She likes them so I get them. "Oh, thanks". Ok, that's fine... but when I get her flowers and she says the same thing in the exact same tone? I don't expect anything in return but when your constantly giving her stuff like that and you still get the same response with no reciprocation? She says those little things don't mean anything like I think they do. No, gummy bears are not roses, but I get her roses too for no particular reason and I get the exact same response, at least I'm giving on all levels. I like to be loved too. Need to be loved. That's who I am. I love to give and be loved.

So I finally talked her into marriage counseling. I figured he would be able to slap both of us upside the head and say "look, your doing this... it's wrong. Do this instead." And he did. So he gave us an exercise to get us to talk and communicate. We had a list of things that we had to tell the other about, Something good, something bad, something you appreciate, something you disliked and a goal of yours. And then we had to talk about them. Lets just say it became just like our arguments. I'm supposed to listen and change and her bad points don't exist. Even when the therapist said "hey, that's wrong. You should try this way of thinking"... nothing.

She's mad at me now because I've been trying to get some for over a month now and the other night I tried again and again, turned down. I got upset and angry and she just said, "I don't want to talk about this now, I need to get to sleep". I talked for a couple more minutes (4 max) with her just laying there and I walked out of the room. She's mad at me because I talked when she wanted to get to sleep. It's been 4 days and she's still not talking to me. For that? It's always "your not allowed to be upset at me but i can be upset at you".

Ok, I'm venting. I didn't even get into the constant second guessing and the way she talks to me. I want to be with her but I'm not happy. No matter how much effort I put into this marriage, it's still not enough to warrant any effort on her part. She has a husband but I have a roomate it seems. I don't think she's cheating, but I agree with the therapist that she has these defensive walls that need to come down. I think she wants to be with me too as she'll make time to talk about the issues we have and try to fix them. Well me fix what issues she has with me anyways. Don't get me wrong I'm no mister perfect, mister forgetful yes. I'm thinking a separation would be best as she'll have to do all things I do for her. But financially I don't think that's feasable for either of us. Although she does have places to go whereas I do not.

I apologize for the rambling and would appreciate any type of response or questions. Thanks.
 

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First thing, paragraphs, paragraphs, please. It makes it easier for the reader and you'll get more responses.

As I read your post, it reminded me of when I went through the empty nest syndrome. There were plenty of walls and resentment to go around for both if us. Then I got to the part where you actually do all that stuff and she doesn't, that's where we go off track.

Time to sit her down and let her know all this trying to fix things not working for you. Put the ball in her court for real and put separation on the table. Ask her is that what she sees as the future?

She seems not to have much respect for you or your worth. You seem like a "Nice Guy" are you? Take the quiz.

No More Mr. Nice Guy
 

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If you can't afford to physically separate, then do an in-house separation.

Look into "the 180". If she does NOTHING for you, then why do you continue to DO THINGS for her? Let her do her own laundry, cook her own meals, wash her own dishes, buy her own food, make her own bed, change her own linens, etc.

I'm CONFUSED as the following two excerpts are MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE:
I want to be with her but I'm not happy. No matter how much effort I put into this marriage, it's still not enough to warrant any effort on her part.
I think she wants to be with me too as she'll make time to talk about the issues we have and try to fix them. Well me fix what issues she has with me anyways.
Is she not making any effort OR is she talking about issues and trying to fix them? It's one or the other!

Is HER idea of "talking about issues & trying to fix them" just her CRITICIZING YOU and demanding that YOU CHANGE?

.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yes I'm too nice of a guy. I've been told that since high school. I do try the 180, it usually works 25% of the time. Matter of fact I told my son about it since his wife is a controlling [email protected]#*h and it's working ok for him. I'm realizing my wife is controlling too.

Wiser... it's not one or the other, it is both. She does not put any effort into this marriage or even to try and make me happy. She is both physically and relationship lazy. As for the issues, she will bring up what issues she has with me and expect me to rectify them. When I bring up issues I have of her, she just stays quiet and then moves on to the next issue or subject without commenting. So yes, she does just criticize and demand that I change.
I thank you both for your responses. :smthumbup:
 

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The 180 is to help you detach and move on. A side effect will sometimes get a spouse to see what they may lose.

What ever you do, it's all about your personal boundaries. We teach others how to treat us. What you have allow is her to be comfortable abusing you and the relationship. Whether you use the outlines by Dr. Glover in NMMNG (the site I posted for you) or the 180, boundaries must be enforced.

It's also about control too. Her behavior is her way to control you and the relationship. When you enforce your boundaries you will destabilize the relationship as it is now. Then she will have to react.

Remember on the scale of things in her life, you should be #1, not # 4 or 5. Yet she insist that she be #1. That's not a relationship, it's a convince.

Get Dr. Glover's book. Read Deejo's sticky thread at the top on the Men's section too.
 

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I was thinking the No More Mr Nice Guy thing as well. She doesn't respect you and isn't attracted to you because of it. Do not beg her for sex or do anything that looks like your a pleading or begging. That is not attractive. Also quit doing so much around the house.

Don't be mean or ugly, but stand up to her and set some boundaries.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Its extremely painful when someone just checks out of a marriage like she is doing.

Your best course of action is to start working on yourself with the intention of finding someone better. Excercise, start dressing really nice and grooming yourself well etc and see if she responds. Maybe find some activities to do without here and go enjoy yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you NoWhere for the link. Well I do it all, masculine and house work and still no love, sex, respect or anything else. I'll say this, she put almost no effort into my birthday. She got me a small gift and called it a day. That has not been our tradition all these years. So when you said she "checked out of the marriage", that basically proves it. I don't want to go into more detail as she may come across this.

Your right, I am already excersizing to lose some weight and I am focusing on myself. It hurts, but I think this is over. She's too stubborn to realize any faults with herself no matter who points them out. I'm tired of being taken advantage of and not being respected or loved. No matter how long or often we talk about the issues, no effort is put into it. My list of efforts is long, tiny efforts along with big efforts, her list... 0.

I just need to decide where to go from here. We need each other financially for the next couple of paydays so that gives me some time. I'm not going to stop being mr nice guy... that's just who I am, but like what was mentioned before, I need to set up boundries.

Oh and I don't plead or beg for sex. But I do make it known that it upsets me after being turned down for a month straight. Heck I even had to ask her for birthday sex. Even then I think it would have been more fun if I had taken care of myself.

So now that it's established that this one sided marriage is over, if anyone has any suggestions on what steps I should take from here, I would greatly appreciate them. Like that one song says, "a broken heart is blind", this broken heart needs direction.
 

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Don't get me wrong. I do suggest you set personal boundaries. I don't suggest that you become a prick. That's not what NMMNG is about. Your are responsible to make yourself happy. You shouldn't depend upon others for your happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
No, I shouldn't depend on other people to make me happy but to me, in a marriage your supposed to at least try to make each other happy. I'm no don juan or even the most interesting man in the world, but I do put forth effort on all levels into this relationship to try and please her... that's who I am. I know that's not who she is, but zero effort is not acceptable in any relationship.
 

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There seems to be a lot of different things going on so I'll just take one thing at a time.

When you said she has checked out of the marriage, and you asked her what was wrong, what did she say? What are her supposed beefs with you in her words?
 

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I have the same problem. I am the wife though and unlike you I stopped being so nice and this is what kills me. I am not who I really am when he is around. He destroyed my ability to trust him. I am going to try a separation and I think maybe you should to. It is a good way for her to realize how important you are, or for you to realize how happier you are without her. You can either save or end you marriage, but at least you are not going to be living in this limbo full of doubts and stress. Good luck!
 
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