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:confused:My name is Ryan. I've been married for over 17 years and have 3 beautiful young children all under the age of 8 years. On Feb 12th my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was devastated as you can expect as I had no idea this was coming. I begged her to give me a second chance. I've always had trouble displaying my emotions effectively and since we had our first child things haven't been totally "right" in our relationship but I just chalked it up to a rough patch of having young kids like alot of people go through. I guess from my perspective, after the we had I child I kinda lost a wife. All of that focus that used to be on me now shifted to our child and it only got worse after after the birth of our other two kids (twins). I realize now that I didn't know how to express the feelings I was having and it started to build up walls within me . I guess thats where a real disconnect started to happen with both of us. She saw me disconecting and then started to build up her own walls. That started a negative spiral of emotianal withdraw for both of us. I still loved and her and do love her with all my heart and soul.
3 days after she told me this I find out she's having an emotional affair with an old high school sweethear from 20 years ago. We live 2000 miles away from where he is and they started communicating on facebook and via email and then to phone calls.. After I confronted her about it the affair went hot and heavy between them and hteir communication picked up. She initiated for us to go to counseling initially to see if the counselor could help me transition into the divorse and beyond. She says she had no idea that i felt so strongly for her still and that she tought I'd want to just walk away. Well I didn't and I don't. Our little kids and hte fact that i feel sh eis my soulmate and the love of my life isgiving me the determination to fight this as long as possible. She agreed to seek marriage counseling and to see counselling for herself as well. So we are both seeing counselors individually and as a couple. She had told me on March 6th that she would not contact him anymore. But a couple of times I found out that she had been looking at his facebook page and then i found her logged into HIS account one day. a couple of weeks later.
The OM is amrried with two older daughters of is own and i've been in contact with his wife since the beginning (she told me about the affair). She text me yesterday and today telling me how he has finally broke off their marriage and even told his daughters about my wife and how they are going to be together.

I just got the Divorce Remedy book In hopes of getting some help there. I've asked her to go to a Marriage bootcamp in Texas in a couple weeks and she agreed. We are all booked and committed to go. She has also told me that she would give me until the end of the school year to work on it. She doesn't want a separation to impact our daughters grades. She told me that she wouldn't contact the OM during this timeframe, but she's told me repeatedly over the last few weeks that she would stop contact and didn't totally keep her word.
I'm very much afraid though since he has now called off his marriage and seems more determined than ever to possibly come here and be with her.

Is there hope in my case?
Can I save a marriage where she wants out and says she's in love with another man?
 

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Do the 180

She has EA and expects you to improve yourself?

I went through a D recently so this may sound odd

Buy her a plane ticket to see him

but before you go, know you leave kids here

and when you return, we can skip separation

and head right for D

she is blameshifting and as long as you let her.....

hold her accountable
 
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What about the bootcamp? I think I need to go ahead and separate but I don't want to do it until after that. I guess I'm hoping she will break down some emotional walls while we are there.
 

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I understand why she asked for a D. Our communication has been broken since our kids came along. I am working on myself everyday. She just says if I could have only woke up 2 years ago this would never have happened.
 

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Hindsight is 20/20....she makes it out as all your fault

I'm sure you contributed to the M falling apart

but in no way....is she devine

Read up on threads here, your situation is very familiar

actually familiar to mine

the "had you woke up 2 years ago" comment

that usually indicates when their EA started

She wanted you to rescue her, how...she secretly reconnected

and now wants him, Brady Bunch is fantasy

as is everything they share

You are most likely in a confused state now

I was too but I faced it head on

Do the 180 and NC except for children matters and bills

It's a long ride.....I made it, so will you
 

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Also, I'm not sure if her coworkers even know about her affair. Should I call her out on it to them. I know she respects her boss very much and he is a good Christian man. I can't help but think that telling all of them in a factual, non-demeaning way wouldn't be a bad idea. Force her to live with the reality of what she's done. Her communication with her affair partner now happens almost exclusively at work on her work phone.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks chuck71 for the quick replies. It's hard to sit here and not let the racing thoughts take over. I tend to want to reason with her and that usually turns to almost begging.
 

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What about the bootcamp? I think I need to go ahead and separate but I don't want to do it until after that. I guess I'm hoping she will break down some emotional walls while we are there.
I've shelled out a bit of money for this. So should I start the 180 now or in a couple of weeks once we are back from the Marriage Bootcamp. :scratchhead:
 

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180 right now

Expose the EA to OMs wife and family

and to her family and yours

this breaks up the affair fog

I suggest a keylogger to view her actions on-line

you may have just scratched the surface

Does she work or is s SAHM
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Refer to post 6. She's a successful business woman.
And OM's wife is the one that told me about the affair. He even sat his daughters down and told them when he decided to break off marriage with OMW.
With the exception possibly of her coworkers and some friends, their affair is out in the open now.
 

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Inform boss there are non-work related agendas taking place on company time and property.
 
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I think it is admirable that you are still so in love with your wife, but if she is this attached to another man it sounds like it is already over for her.
I would not get petty and call her out to her boss. There is no need to bring others into your relationship. I do think you should be open and honest with her family and yours and let them know what you are going through.

All in all - dont expect a big breakthrough. It sounds like this was a long time coming for her. If she has been carrying on with someone else for 2 years, behind your back she is done.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Too late now. I was very tactful. Not degrading. Just the facts and asking for honest help to rebuild our marriage. I made the decision to put out there to her friends and coworkers. She made the decision to go to someone else. If she can live with her decision, I can easily live with mine.

Their affair hasn't been going on 2 years. First contact was made only a few days before she asked for a D. It was a whirlwind I guess
 

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Discussion Starter #14
180 underway. Immediately shook her up. She's not going to work today. I'm being careful not fall into the push/pull cycle here.
 

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I just wanted to advise not to get spiteful. She has carried on with someone else (emotionally at least) and I am sure there are concerns she has with the marriage that have led to that.

If you actually want to stay together and even if you dont - try to be respectful. Otherwise, things can get ugly really fast.
 

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Stay focused.....spite is never right. That drops you into her thought process. Stay at 50k feet and observe
 
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Staying on track. I'm not angry at all. I'm not spiteful. I love her and I intend to show her that. I'm just realizing that I can't change her mind, I can only be good for me and my kids.
She's been chasing me around the house all morning wanting to talk. I listen, but I've already told her everything I could possibly tell her over the last few weeks. So I just tell that she knows where I stand.
I love her, and I always will.
It's her decision which way she goes, but I'm not bearing the burden of her affair anymore. I forgive myself and the things I've done. I can only go forward from here constantly striving to be a better man.
 

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This sounds like the situation I went through. Google 'walk away wife' which is what happened to me, kinda looks like yours too. In my situation too, by the time I knew, she was also in an EA (not as long as yours) and it was way too late to try. She went to counseling, but she only went there to confirm her pre-conceived notions about how a non-caring jerk I was. Hopefully she'll be more open during your session, but be prepared if she's just checking off a box before the divorce.

The divorce 180 is good advice. The way I see it is it either prepares you for life after divorce, or possibly shows the wife that you're still a strong person and someone worth staying with. I didn't have kids, and I know that further complicates things and is a reason to stay together. Without kids, it was better for me too to get rid of a woman that was nothing like the one I married fifteen years ago.
 

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Well, I can see what impact just this one day has made on her. She called the marriage counselor this morning and asked for an emergency session. That went well. I'm sticking to the 180. I just reaffirmed that I do love her but I have to just separate myself in order to not continue down that dangerous path of hope/grief emotional swings. I can tell it has shook her up some and she's been crying off and on all day. At least she's showing emotion now.
 
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