[Sestina]

I'm only about two weeks after D-Day and so far we plan to R. He's doing all the right things and we start MC in a few days.

Every day is different and I have so many wildly fluctuating emotions and impulses. Stay, leave, love, hate, touch, no touch, privacy, togetherness.

I have read here in various threads that it's possible to be happier and stronger after R. If that's been true for you, would you mind just saying so? I'd love to know how long it's been since D-Day (or your R decision) and what about your marriage is stronger/better/happier now.

Just trying to have hope. Thanks.

 

[Hope1964]

True for us. D day #1 was March 2010, #2 Nov 2010. You can read my story thru the link in my sig.

Two reasons it's working for us:
- his actions prove his remorse. Every day. He doesn't just pay lip service, he actually DOES what he needs to. And he does it without a peep. Even now, this far out. He knows this is gonna be a years long process
- I kicked him out on D day and was DONE. I was a single mom again for 5 months. I know I am perfectly fine without him. Only when you know that, and can make a CHOICE to stay with them because that's what you prefer, can you truly be happy.

 

[SadandAngry]

14 months since DDay. We talk a lot more. We enjoy each other's company again. We don't just feel like sullen roommates with kids, but more like partners again. We both realize now that the onus is on the individual to do what they can to contribute and adapt to improve situations, as opposed to blaming the other person and expecting them to change.

You are early on in the process. No need to make any decision other than to watch for a while and see just how commited your wayward truly is. Do not be too quick to forgive. Make sure that he realizes what the true consequences are, what damage he has wrought with his selfish stupidity. If you trust, do not trust blindly, verify for some time.

 

[badmemory]

I'm only about two weeks after D-Day and so far we plan to R. He's doing all the right things and we start MC in a few days.

Every day is different and I have so many wildly fluctuating emotions and impulses. Stay, leave, love, hate, touch, no touch, privacy, togetherness.

I have read here in various threads that it's possible to be happier and stronger after R. If that's been true for you, would you mind just saying so? I'd love to know how long it's been since D-Day (or your R decision) and what about your marriage is stronger/better/happier now.

Just trying to have hope. Thanks.

I would think that in a lot of marriages, like mine before my wife's affair, that things were not going well. Maybe yours was like that. But there can be optimism; because in R, there is at least the opportunity for an improvement over the way things were. Ideally, the CS should have motivation to meet your needs that they didn't have before. That in itself can make the marriage better, as it can become contagious. That's happened with my marriage, 1 year into R. The sad irony however, is that once the affair was started, it by definition became the root cause of the marital issues.

A successful R is a destination. After a number of years, when trust has been restored, you may approach it. Everyone's path to that destination is different and the success of that journey is very dependent on the demonstrated remorse of the CS.

A BS's emotions can be like a swinging pendulum between lingering hurt and mistrust vs. the hope of a more fulfilling marriage. On different days that pendulum may swing in either direction. Hopefully over time, it will steady itself in the right direction.

Picture the best case scenario in your mind. Assume that your spouse will be the best husband he can be going forward. Ask yourself if that's enough - at least for now. If you are like I was, you aren't sure at first. That's OK. As time passes, I think you'll be better able to answer to that question. If your husband doesn't show true remorse, he's answered that question for you. But even if he does, you have an escape clause. He betrayed you and no one can blame you for leaving at anytime after you tried to salvage your marriage.

I'm not usually so metaphorical but that's my view. I guess I'm waxing nostalgic today.

I wish you the best.

 

[kenmoore14217]

It's all about actions with little attention to words. There is no time limit involved ...... it just happens .... trusting again

 

[remorseful strayer]

I would think that in a lot of marriages, like mine before my wife's affair, that things were not going well. Maybe yours was like that. But there can be optimism; because in R, there is at least the opportunity for an improvement over the way things were. Ideally, the CS should have motivation to meet your needs that they didn't have before. That in itself can make the marriage better, as it can become contagious. That's happened with my marriage, 1 year into R. The sad irony however, is that once the affair was started, it by definition become the root cause of the marital issues.

A successful R is a destination. After a number of years, when trust has been restored, you may approach it. Everyone's path to that destination is different and the success of that journey is very dependent on the demonstrated remorse of the CS.

A BS's emotions can be like a swinging pendulum between lingering hurt and mistrust vs. the hope of a more fulfilling marriage. On different days that pendulum may swing in either direction. Hopefully over time, it will steady itself in the right direction.

Picture the best case scenario in your mind. Assume that your spouse will be the best husband he can be going forward. Ask yourself if that's enough - at least for now. If you are like I was, you aren't sure at first. That's OK. As time passes, I think you'll be better able to answer to that question. If your husband doesn't show true remorse, he's answered that question for you. But even if he does, you have an escape clause. He betrayed you and no one can blame you leaving at anytime after you tried to salvage your marriage.

I'm not usually so metaphorical but that's my view. I guess I'm waxing nostalgic today.

I wish you the best.

That was eloquently said.

 

[AngryandUsed]

Two weeks is very early to decide on R or D. You know your situations. You say he is very remorseful. Wait and see.

Got kids?

Good lucks to you.

 

[Sestina]

Two weeks is very early to decide on R or D. You know your situations. You say he is very remorseful. Wait and see.

Got kids?

Good lucks to you.

Yeah, we have kids. Little ones. It makes everything muddy.

I just guess I wanted to know that the possibility exists... that if we do R, it wouldn't be tolerating and surviving, but living and enjoying. That joy is possible, even after this horrible event.

Thanks for all the replies. Keep them coming.

 

[Grey Goose]

My husband's first "remorseful fake attempt" came about 3 weeks after dday. Be careful and take your time analyzing everything, do not rush into it. It will be a year after Dday for me and I still have not decided if R is in my path. There are so many things to think about and your marriage and your life will never be the same - can be better or can be hell.

You will never be the same - better or worse but never the same.

Last but not least, there is a chance that R makes a marriage stronger only if it is handled properly, actions are the key and you have to be ready to let go of a lot of pain and emotions (with time).

 

[remorseful strayer]

You will never be the same - better or worse but never the same.

Last but not least, there is a chance that R makes a marriage stronger only if it is handled properly, actions are the key and you have to be ready to let go of a lot of pain and emotions (with time).

Truer words have never been spoken. You nor your marriage will ever be the same. It is unrealistic to believe it will be stronger, too. Some aspects may improve if the strayer is truely remoseful but don't count on the marriage being stronger. If the spouse is truly remorseful and definitely stops straying, the marriage will be like a fine crystal vase that fell off the shelf and shattered to pieces.

The vase can be glued back together and resemble the old vase, but the cracks will still be there.