[dkaffee]

My girlfriend had a fling with a guy we both work with, before we were even dating. It's a large company that frowns heavily on relationships within the workplace.

For that reason, no one knows that we are together. She had a fling with this other guy, who is very flirty, and then remained friends afterwards.

He still brings her candy and asks her to go to lunch or have coffee. She has started telling him that she's seeing a guy. However, it sucks to witness it and wonder what I should do about it.

She's not flirting back, but she does accept the candy, respond to text/facebook messages. Admittedly, I liked the guy before I became the BF. She tells me when he texts or Facebooks her. I don't have any issues with the workplace interactions. It's nothing over the top that I would consider harassment.

She asked if I cared if they had coffee before work started one day. I was honest and told her that I understand the situation is odd, but I find it disrespectful. I don't have a problem with her having guy friends, I just don't want her hanging out with guys she has previously been naked with.

She says she's not interested and won't go if I don't want her to, but she doesn't want to make the workplace awkward between her and her friend.

I don't want her to interact with this guy unless it incidentally happens at work. However, I want her to reach that decision on her own... I don't think I should tell her to just blow this guy off, because I don't want to be the kind of guy who decides who his GF can hang out with.

At one point, I said I wouldn't hang out with any of my exes because I find that disrespectful to her.

I'd rather she refused the gifts and didn't respond to texts or facebook messages from the guy.. because he'll just keep leaving that door open

Am I being ridiculous?

Is there a good/better way to go about this?

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Depends how serious you two are.

But I think one of you should get anew job, and that she should stop all interactions with this man.

 

[dkaffee]

We are quite serious. We're coming up on a year together. There's frequent talk of a future with marriage and children.

 

[dkaffee]

Can anyone else please offer advice?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[dkaffee]

I would almost like it if someone could explain to me that I'm being ridiculous. I think id be happy if someone could convince me that Im over reacting. i just think this is like playing with fire.
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[RClawson]

dkaffee,

It is not playing with fire but it obviously is playing with your emotions. Look I am not going to rehash my history but the scenario you are talking about right now is the one I have been dealing with emotionally for the past 27 years. It is very complex and if you want to PM we can talk.

If you are really getting serious and talking about marriage then she needs to just have a frank discussion with him and let him know that she needs to become part of his distant past. If she cannot do this then I would rethink the relationship before it becomes legal union.

 

[alphaomega]

I would almost like it if someone could explain to me that I'm being ridiculous. I think id be happy if someone could convince me that Im over reacting. i just think this is like playing with fire.
Posted via Mobile Device

So basically what your asking for is justification? It's not goi g to happen. There's a reason why all the posters are saying the same thing.

You NEED to be that man that tells her who to hang out with, particularly men. It's called being th Alpha, and not the beta wimp you think you should act like....because its politically correct...or you think that's how the modern male should act.

That's not how psychology of women works.

 

[dkaffee]

Does anyone think showing her this thread will help. Or would it hurt her?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[jfv]

no don't show her anything. Just ACT

 

[Cdelta02]

No. This forum cannot babysit your relationship. You need to man up and manage the situation. You could show this forum to her later when you both are ready to have a laugh about this episode.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

I don't see anything wrong here. The only thing she's accepting is candy. Yet she tells you everything and is truthful.

I'm very against friendships of the opposite sex, but I do think your overreacting here. Your not even engaged here. There is nothing going on outside of work.

Your gf is declining lunch dates and not talking to him after work hours. She's being civil during work to keep the peace. It sounds like your very jealous and insecure.

I did not give up my male friendships until I was married. I am faithful to my husband and he faithful to me. He works with other women. There is no way he could possibly not talk to them since he's their boss. My husband and his staff are always bringing in goodies for each other. I'll stop by and drop goodies off at his office as well.

 

[the liberal one]

I don't see anything wrong here. The only thing she's accepting is candy. Yet she tells you everything and is truthful.

I'm very against friendships of the opposite sex, but I do think your overreacting here. Your not even engaged here. There is nothing going on outside of work.

i don't think its the friendship with the opposite sex causes infidelity, its the level of self-control within yourself. Back to the point dkaffee you seem to be quite insecure and women don't like that kind of behavior. You might achieve a self-fulfilling prophecy by worrying too much

I did not give up my male friendships until I was married. I am faithful to my husband and he faithful to me. He works with other women. There is no way he could possibly not talk to them since he's their boss. My husband and his staff are always bringing in goodies for each other. I'll stop by and drop goodies off at his office as well.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby you don't need to dump your friendships withe the opposite sex, so long you are faithful and have a good distance in between you will be fine. I had a platonic friendship with a women (b) while im dating (and later married), my gf (and later w) had allowed me to have contact with b (sort of a open relationship/marriage).

Me and my friend don't have any sexual contact but we talk a-lot and had lots of common interest. Interestingly because my w allow me to continue my friendship with b, i actually appreciate my w even more for being open-minded about my friendship. (and yes my w also had some male friends and i let her go to the pub occasionally but not really as close as between me and b).

Both of us are loyal to each other and appreciate each other because we granted each other our "new" freedom within our relationship and we take this form of freedom delicately.

Thus it is possible only if you had a strict boundary:smthumbup:

I'll stop by and drop goodies off at his office as well.

\

what goodies?

 

[Chelle D]

She can easily stop it. If she ignores his texts & facebook.
Obviously at work, if it is work realted, then she needs to comunicate with him to get her job done, then that contact should not stop.

I think the next time he brings her candy. She needs to say "no thanks.. I'm on a diet". And give it back. Second time, (if he didn't get it the first time) Say "No thanks. I'm not accepting this. I hope you understand. I've said I'm dating someone. To me, its not right to be accepting things from you."

She needs to just put it bluntly out there if she has to. She should not "blame you".. Ie, should not say that her boyfriend doesn't like her getting the candy.. she should just say that SHE is not accepting the candy.

He WILL bug off , if she does not encourage him. She might think she is just being nice.. but it is leaving the impression with this guy that she is still emotionally available, or that there would be hope to start it up again.

 

[Chelle D]

Okay, so buy some candy, Bring it up to the girl in the next cubicle from her.
Tell her she looked like she could have her day brightened.. and that you hope she enjoys the candy.

Then walk away & don't even look at your girlfriend.
Later. ask how it felt? Did it feel wrong to her that you offered a different pretty young thing candy & not to her?

 

[TBT]

He WILL bug off , if she does not encourage him. She might think she is just being nice.. but it is leaving the impression with this guy that she is still emotionally available, or that there would be hope to start it up again.

:iagree: Just curious as to who ended the fling and why is she just telling him now if you've been together for a year?

 

[Caribbean Man]

She asked if I cared if they had coffee before work started one day. I was honest and told her that I understand the situation is odd, but I find it disrespectful. I don't have a problem with her having guy friends, I just don't want her hanging out with guys she has previously been naked with.

She says she's not interested and won't go if I don't want her to, but she doesn't want to make the workplace awkward between her and her friend.

I don't want her to interact with this guy unless it incidentally happens at work. However, I want her to reach that decision on her own... I don't think I should tell her to just blow this guy off, because I don't want to be the kind of guy who decides who his GF can hang out with.

If you don't want her to hang out with this guy who's obviously trying to have another fling with her, again, then you need to stop acting soft and TELL her. If she respects you, then she'll understand.

I agree with you that she is supposed to be able to do this on her own.
You however, need to take the lead.

 

[Entropy3000]

So you have been together for a year. The excuse for not telling anyone is that your job will not allow it. So evidently it was ok for her to have a fling with this other guy.

Anyway, you and / or she needs to get a new job so that you can be legit. This is a dishonest game you are both playing. She is playing you by her cake eating.

So you guys live together?

The problem with you leaving this job and her staying is this other guy.

Are you planning on getting married or just playing house? Did she do this with the other guy as well?

Indeed she needs to just tell the guy to bug off. She does not because she likes having both of you. She IS rubbing your nose in it. It IS weak for you not to tell her this is unacceptable.

Sorry, there is no way this guy would hide his relationship with his woman.

 

[costa200]

Is it common for companies to be this anal about the love lives of employees in the US?

 

[Shaggy]

I think you need to stand up and be counted - meaning tell her not to be buddies with him.

You've been together a year and he doesn't know she's now in a long term committed relationship?

I think up to now you've been failing a big test from her - she offered to cut him off - and you didn't take her up on it. IF you had that would have shown your deeper interest in her, and your desire to fend off other males. this guy is a former lover of her's who still is chasing her, and putting time and energy into flirting with her , meeting up, buying her things.

Dude - this guy is laying the ground work for future hookups, not being a buddy.

 

[NextTimeAround]

I think you need to stand up and be counted - meaning tell her not to be buddies with him.

You've been together a year and he doesn't know she's now in a long term committed relationship?

I think up to now you've been failing a big test from her - she offered to cut him off - and you didn't take her up on it. IF you had that would have shown your deeper interest in her, and your desire to fend off other males. this guy is a former lover of her's who still is chasing her, and putting time and energy into flirting with her , meeting up, buying her things.

Dude - this guy is laying the ground work for future hookups, not being a buddy.

Interesting irony. My fiance offered that he would respond to his EA anyway I liked, he would send whatever message I wrote verbatim. I took the offer. but on another message board (of women), I was scolded for getting WAY too involved. You see, I was showing my insecurity, according to these ladies.

I repsonded, if I had turned down the offer, I could never get upset again with how he intereacts with her.

There does come a point where you have to be honest about how you feel. And I don't see that as being insecure.