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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi

I've just joined the site and before you I bring the problems I've been having with my girlfriend. We've been together for a long time, 9 years to be precise. During 2 of those 9 years I lived in another place and could only visit her sporadically. Even so I never had to be concerned about infidelity or anything like that because she used to be a very solid partner. That's one of the things that really attracted me to her, she was bullet-proof when it came to trust.
Obviously, we've had our ups and down but I've always relied on the fact that we both understood the relationship as a pact which demanded total openness and respect.
Lately, however, things have changed in this chapter. Although, she tries to hide it, she's distant and shows no interest in me or the things I do. Worse still, she makes appointments without consulting with me, and relying on the fact that I'll be there to help her with what she needs. She also seems to prefer to spend more time with her friends than with me. We don't do nothing together and sadly for me sex is all but a sweet distant memory. This last bit is really messing me up because we used to have an incredible chemistry in bed and sex was fantastic. She claims she's really tired and that work issues are messing with her head. Her job is tragically stressful, that's a fact, but still I think that deep down inside the real problem is that she just doesn't feel the flame burning anymore. Despite all this, she still cooks great food, does stuff around the house and treats me kindly, which I appreciate...but then again it feels like she's doing it because she wants to overcompensate for something...
I know I make her laugh, listen to her problems and advise her on them but sadly I'm beginning to think that's all she wants from me. She may be seeing me as a friend she has taken for granted and not her lover. Hell, I'm not even sure she'd mind me sleeping with other women...
We've had many fights over this and it gets better for a few days and then it all falls back to the old patterns.
I'm trying to save this relationship but I'm beginning to think it's a futile effort. Can this be reverted? Should I get my own separate place in order to create room for us both?

All help appreciated
 

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What kind of appointments does she make without consulting you?

You need to have a frank talk with her and tell her that you miss the passion that used to exist between the two of you. That she is distant and has pulled away from you and this is not something you will accept. Her rejection of you physically hurts you terribly emotionally. You will not stay in a sexless relationship. Either the two of you get some counseling together and work to fix your relationship or you will be leaving her. This is a critical moment in the relationship.

She has to understand that what's going on is not OK. And it's your job to get that through to her.

There is a book that might help you both in discussing your needs and how to get them met. I can help rebuild your relationship: "His Needs, Her Needs"
 

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She's not committed to the relationship. Thank your lucky stars you're not married with kids. Salvage your self esteem by breaking up with her and moving on before she can damage you. Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer to prep you for your next relationship. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
What kind of appointments does she make without consulting you?
The last "situation" was related to her holidays. We are both not originally from the place we are living now. So come holiday time, she goes to see her folks and I go see mine. We don't travel together because we have pets that need attention and are too old to be carried around.

She booked her holidays without asking if or when I was planning to go see my father. It's like she was just happy to go see her parents without worrying about the pets. Moreover, the day before her flight, she spent most of the day with friends when I had hoped we could spend the day together. That really pissed me off. When she got home she apologised. I didn't accept her apologies. She went to her parents and has returned but I'm still mad and not talking to her, even though she did cut her holidays short, because she didn't want me "being alone".
 

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The last "situation" was related to her holidays. We are both not originally from the place we are living now. So come holiday time, she goes to see her folks and I go see mine. We don't travel together because we have pets that need attention and are too old to be carried around.

She booked her holidays without asking if or when I was planning to go see my father. It's like she was just happy to go see her parents without worrying about the pets. Moreover, the day before her flight, she spent most of the day with friends when I had hoped we could spend the day together. That really pissed me off. When she got home she apologised. I didn't accept her apologies. She went to her parents and has returned but I'm still mad and not talking to her, even though she did cut her holidays short, because she didn't want me "being alone".
It's time to have THE TALK.
 

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So why have you not asked her to marry you...I have a sensed she has one foot out the door.....this may come down to either fish or cut bait and walk away....but the status quo maybe over
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So why have you not asked her to marry you...I have a sensed she has one foot out the door.....this may come down to either fish or cut bait and walk away....but the status quo maybe over
The main reason why we never tied the knot is because my parents marriage was a farce which ended in a brutal, ignominious divorce that left me deeply scarred for life. It was not the only nasty divorce around me either...So, in short I grew a bitter aversion towards the institution of marriage.
That being said we do everything married couples do...especially the "not having sex" part...
 

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I think your GF is sick of being just your GF. Nine years is a long time to date and not get married.

Not sure you can salvage this to be honest.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I think your GF is sick of being just your GF. Nine years is a long time to date and not get married.

Not sure you can salvage this to be honest.

Could well be. But I still don't understand how putting a ring on her finger could have prevented this. I mean, we live like typical married couples do; if her feelings for me have changed I don't see how a piece of metal would have made any difference.
 

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Could well be. But I still don't understand how putting a ring on her finger could have prevented this. I mean, we live like typical married couples do; if her feelings for me have changed I don't see how a piece of metal would have made any difference.
Marriage is not a piece of metal or a ring or a piece of paper.

It's a commitment that you have not been willing to make. Maybe she was no either. I don't know.
 

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Marriage is not a piece of metal or a ring or a piece of paper.

It's a commitment that you have not been willing to make. Maybe she was no either. I don't know.
Exactly.

It's not the ring. It's the commitment. The commitment to her, to the relationship, to building a life together.

She's probably wondering why she's still only a GF after 9 years together. Where's the relationship going? What's your future? Are you going to just date forever? Pick her up on Sat afternoon when you're 80 for your once a week date to catch the matinee and earlybird special?

I don't know that that's her problem - I don't know her or you, I could be completely off base.

She's not blameless here either though - she could have spoken up a long time ago if she had a problem with things. She chose to stay. That's on her.

Just trying to give some insight :)
 

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sounds like YOU have some issues to deal with.

Just because your parents screwed up their marriage, maybe you learned from that and would make an excellent husband?

She cut her plans short to be with you after the holidays, and instead of thanking her for the extra "together time", you deliberately ignore her? that is a mature response?

You date her for 9 frigin years? And she stayed? She sounds like a saint to me.

Dude, get a little therapy....you might be able to work thru these problems, and then this other perceived stuff will magically vanish
 

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Don't be needy or clingy. Are you in shape?

Why no kids?

Can you up your sex appeal?

Do you have any habits, smoking, drinking, porn? Just drop them without saying a thing. She will notice.
 

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And are you still sure there is no one else ? All of this could be explained by this so I am just putting it out there. You could snoop and find out - emails, phone messages, the dreaded Facebook etc.
 
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Marriage = commitment
Not married means no commitment.

Boyfriend/girlfriend is just that. Friends with romantic intent. Nothing more.

When there is no passion, you are free to walk away.

Marriage makes it harder to just walk away. You have relatives,friends and children to consider...even your own status and principles in life will make you think twice...
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