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Discussion Starter #1
My longtime girlfriend and I disagree on the idea of hanging out one on one with the opposite sex.

She sees her ex boyfriends about once every 2 months when she cuts their hair (she's a stylist) and often has drinks with them afterwards. When we broke up for 2 months, she made out with one of them and sent naked pictures to another one. She insists that going forward, I have nothing to worry about and that I have to trust her and not be controlling. How do I deal with this? And, is there a happy medium? These guys certainly have no interest in hanging out with me.

We also recently met a random friend of ours. He keeps asking her to go on a hike with him one on one. Even asking her on a sunset hike together. She didnt go, but she said that I cannot stop her from going in the future and that I have nothing to worry about. I would like to be able to set boundaries or come up with a solution that works for both of us. I am not truly threatened by the guy but at the same time a sunset hike together? Is that not wrong?
 

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Don't lie to yourself. You are threatened by the guy. If you weren't you wouldn't be here asking about boundaries. I know you didn't mention that word, but that's what you're asking about. Your girlfriend has no definition of the word "boundary." If you are in a committed relationship, there is no room for any other men/women to distract you.

People will always try to say that it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship, and I'm sure it is when people enforce their boundaries. However, she won't do it and she will end up hurting you. It has happened to me with my wife, and you are basically saying the same things I worried about when we first started dating and getting serious. If you don't take care of this issue now, it will come back to bite you in your ass. Let her know now that she either chooses to be in a committed relationship with you and stop communicating with all these other men (and you do the same if you have female friends) or you end the relationship and move on to find someone else who fits within your lifestyle a bit better. You have one life to live, and you deserve to be happy with someone who enriches your life. Figure out what you want and go for it.
 

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Dude, she wants you to back off so she can continue to have male relationships as backups in case you don't work.

The fact that she quickly jumped into a hookup immediately shows this is her plan.

And it's not about being threatened by the guy, it's about her setting boundaries. The guy asked for the hike to get close to her. He is interested. Her going on it would signal openness to his pursuit.

So the bottom line, is she wants to live life as a single girl, with lots of male attention and pursuit, and doesn't want to give it up.

It works for her, but it's incredibly selfish and one sided.

If you had a girls asking you to hand with them, have drinks, come to their house for a diner cooked by them - she would think differently.
 

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My longtime girlfriend and I disagree on the idea of hanging out one on one with the opposite sex.

She sees her ex boyfriends about once every 2 months when she cuts their hair (she's a stylist) and often has drinks with them afterwards. When we broke up for 2 months, she made out with one of them and sent naked pictures to another one. She insists that going forward, I have nothing to worry about and that I have to trust her and not be controlling. How do I deal with this? And, is there a happy medium? These guys certainly have no interest in hanging out with me.
This one is easy.
You tell her she is to have no contact with anyone she's ever been with or you dump her.
Anything else is asking for trOuble and heartbreak.

Tell her she can forget about the "controlling" comments , that's just her way of being controlling.

:)

We also recently met a random friend of ours. He keeps asking her to go on a hike with him one on one. Even asking her on a sunset hike together. She didnt go, but she said that I cannot stop her from going in the future and that I have nothing to worry about. I would like to be able to set boundaries or come up with a solution that works for both of us. I am not truly threatened by the guy but at the same time a sunset hike together? Is that not wrong?
This is also off the table/
Set some boundaries man women don't like doormats.
You'll pay for these mistakes in the end]
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks for the advice, it is what I expected to hear, but I guess I was hoping there was a better solution. She is willing to walk away over this issue.

Is there anyway to compromise? She is extremely hard headed about this issue. She claims that guys can like her but its ok as long as she doesnt like them. She doesnt want to be "caged" for the rest of her life as she calls it. I am beginning to think this is a lost cause, its upsetting to me but I want to stay with her. Any thoughts?
 

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There is no compromise.

You do not allow your woman to maintain relationships with men she has been intimate with..period/
It will result in cheating/

Even if she wants to delude herself into thinking these are just friendships you know very well what these guys want and they will get it eventually.
I have news for you, she wants it too.
She's about as secure as a woman could be with these guys on her back burner and you as her doormat.

She dumps them or you dump her.

No compromise
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Thanks for the advice, it is what I expected to hear, but I guess I was hoping there was a better solution. She is willing to walk away over this issue.

Is there anyway to compromise? She is extremely hard headed about this issue. She claims that guys can like her but its ok as long as she doesnt like them. She doesnt want to be "caged" for the rest of her life as she calls it. I am beginning to think this is a lost cause, its upsetting to me but I want to stay with her. Any thoughts?
There isn't room for compromise when she wants to keep a set of guys around whom are chasing her, while she dates you.

It's disrespectful to you. It's shows she's not committed to the relationship.
 

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Is there anyway to compromise? She is extremely hard headed about this issue. She claims that guys can like her but its ok as long as she doesnt like them. She doesnt want to be "caged" for the rest of her life as she calls it. I am beginning to think this is a lost cause, its upsetting to me but I want to stay with her. Any thoughts?
Of course she is hard headed because she is going to use threats to control you. Why is she keeping in touch with ex boyfriends? So that she has a back up in case you leave her or she leaves you. Guess what she will be doing if you leave her? Running to her exes. That is why she doesn't feel much threat.

"She doesn't want to be caged" is something concerning. What does she mean by "caged" - not committed? A committed person does not talk to ex boyfriends and go on romantic hikes with people of the opposite sex.

I think it's a rarity to find someone who can be friends with the opposite sex and that's that. Since your girlfriend does not sound committed to you, she is one that cannot be.

To be honest, I would leave her. Or give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you want someone who is fully committed to you, as you are to her, and if she isn't willing to become that then she can get lost.
 

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Her calling you controlling is a red flag to me with other guys (exes) involved, in addition her not respecting this very simple request you have.

How is she with you going drinking with your exes?

Not sensing a favorable outcome here but wish you both all the best.
 

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so, what you do now is dump her. Then go back and get her to cut your hair when she gets a new boyfriend. :D
 

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Face the facts, friend. She loves the attention that she's getting from the other guys, she KNOWS that she can get any guy she wants, and she's taking full advantage of it-while you are her "obedient little puppy dog".

I'd dump her and never look back.
 

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She is your GF but she does not want to be exclusive with you. The fact that you are not dating others while she still is means that she has all the power. She is not afraid if you break up with her, because as she showed the last time you broke up, she was immediately able to date others and have sex with them since she had never stopped dating others. You on the other hand were starting from scratch when you broke up and did not do as well.

Stay with her only if you both are open about dating others and only if you are OK with that.
 

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Is there anyway to compromise?
Yeah, if by compromise you mean being a doormat, staying with someone who is disrespecting you (and who you already know who continues to behave inappropriately after you've told her how this makes you feel) and if it's ok with her that you go out for "dates" with women you've had sex with and sent pics of your naked self to.

You guys have a huge fundamental difference.

You will nto be happy with her as long as she does this and the fact that she is unwilling to bend, says it all.

Don't let someone walk all over you just because you have "feelings" for them.



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This is why you date, so you can filter out women like this who aren't suitable to marry.
This is what I was thinking. You're not married and she's the type that wants to continue to have clearly inappropriate relationships with other men and have you be the doormat to not be "controlling" and not have her feel "caged".

She's a cheater waiting to happen. Move on.
 

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You got a Mustang Sally.

You can either:

1) dump her, or

2) keep her around for "friend with benefits" if it doesn't bother you she is with other "friends."

If you want a monogamous relationship with her, that is not an option.
 

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ATK,

I have dealt with the "specter" of my wife's ex boyfriend (I define him as the love of her life) for over 25 years. It still haunts me and she has not even seen him in 20 years. He still lurks in the corner of her mind however.

Run while you can. Do not even entertain any other option.
 
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