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GF continues to avoid any and all responsibility

1104 Views 14 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  Chelle D
So, listen guys, I really do need help here. I dont want to leave my GF, I do love her and aside from this...huge massive flaw...we do get along very well. Please dont berate me and tell me I am a fool for staying, I already feel this way. I just want to work things out. No we dont have money for therapy.

So Ive posted before about how insanely irresponsible my GF. I last left off that she had to get a job or else. She maintained a job for about 6 weeks, her record!!! She then quit right at the time I had taken a sick leave from work (my hepc has been acting up a lot). So we were both earning nothing.

We took our pennies and moved to Cali, took every spare dollar to get us into an apartment without any furniture or anything. (EDIT*** I should say it wasnt as poor as it sounds since I was unable to work I began selling my artwork very aggressively locally and within 3 weeks I had made over 4k on my artwork and that largely funded the move)

I immediately got hired in my field that I am trained in, in RI there werent any jobs so I was in groceries. I make much more now and the job isnt physical. My GF and I talked about it and she asked if she could only work as an actress...oh boy...

I was feeling amazing for being able to provide and making alone what we both hoped to earn so I said it shouldnt be a problem as long as she earns her half of rent. To her credit she has kept her end on this and does produce this $$$

but the startup costs began piling up, to get settled in comfortably I budgeted we needed at least 3k, to get out of debt, get the place furnished, pay off insurance, things like that. I asked her to get a job.

Till then shes been wrking the occasional gig as an extra (about 50 bucks after taxes for 8 hrs) and to be honest a great deal of that goes into her acting again with acting classes, outfits, headshots, gas, calling services, etc

Im a painter and of course came here with that in mind, I really wanted to be part of this 3 month exhibition that also takes place in LA's huge artwalk, the gallery is very exclusive but its also run like a coop and they ask artists to give 200 to help with advertising and costs. It isnt much considering the exposure you get and how long the show runs and they really do amazing things with it. Anyway, I was invited to show with them and pumped but last minute canceled bc i felt it just wasnt a good time.

I have a budget sheet and began noticing her expenses piling and piling and I felt so fzcking worn down by working working working only to barely make ends meet and if we did have extra, inevitably she had a brilliant new thing that would unfortunately cost $$$.

At first also she was very thankful for me and it made me feel really good. That of course has faded. I asked her to get a small job 10-15 hours a week, just anything that provided a stable check.

Amidst this our cat died and the costs for his cremation and urn and vet bills had piled on too.

So that was last week I asked her to get a job, and now shes requesting her own car. I use the one we have for work. So all this week shes been internet hunting nonstop for the best car deal.

Of course it has to be my credit b/c shes in massive default with several lenders and has no income. Anyway, i get a letter from my employer and after a tiring day at work, we go in search of a pretty vehicle for her.

The apartment has been starting to stink. my GF says its just this or that, but tonight especially the stench is unbreathable. Her job is the housework, especially the cat litter and walking the dog. I told her hey, do the litter and ill work to support us, fair deal!

I have aspergers and the sensory issues with the litter literally make me meltdown sometimes, so really her doing the cat litter is extremely important, I will do almost any other chore.

So I cant stand the stink and I go around cleaning and tossing things away that i think the odor might be coming from. Im slightly annoyed by the state of the place but understanding...


I go into my art studio, we have a room just for me doing artwork that the floor is covered in canvas cloth to keep from staining the hardwood when i paint. Well I havent had much energy after work, dog hike after work, car search, to paint. So i havent been in the room for some time

The place is.
[email protected] and

Im talking a weeks worth EASY. Its all over my paints, my canvases, my cloth pad, every where it could be it is.

First of all...ugh i dnt even know where to start.

The 1 litter box we have is stored in there bc its out of the way.

That obviously hadnt been touched, she obviously hadnt done anything ab out it, and hadnt looked in to clean it once or she wouldve seen doomsday.

Also my dog is potty trained, she TELLS you when she needs to go, and my GF is home all day with her. WTF??

We had her a puppy in RI that we gave away bc she wasnt training it or tending to it in any way. She promised in LA since she wasnt depressed shed be a better owner....

Ive also realized since the summer that she has serious passive personality disorder. I honestly think that she's ignoring the pets and her chores because deep down shes mad im having her find some kind of work.

Shes apologized profusely but I just feel incredibly upset and angered and disrespected.

She has spent several hours looking at "cute" cars for herself and didnt tend 1 hour to cleaning anything.

when i asked her why she hadnt she said she'd been stressed. ugh.

I cannot live like this. I Do not want to live without her. I want her to grow up, or face her emotions and face why she is doing this.

I feel ive sacrificed to tend to her career while my career aspiration has literally been [email protected] on. literally.

Ok and if you are still reading, her avoiding the cat litter isnt due to the death of the cat and her thinking there would be no litter to clean. We have two cats, well HAD two cats, we still have the 1 and he is still sh!tting and p!ssing last I checked. Yup. Cant miss it, piles and piles of it.
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You say you cant live without her...WHERE are any of the redeeming qualities that would make you say that?? You would be WAY better off alone!
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Sounds like you're in pretty deep sh*t here.:D

The only way she is going to grow up is without you as you are enabling her to behave as she does. The picture you have painted of her makes her look like a spoiled entitled princess. If you do not want to leave her or kick her out then you have limited choices.

How would it feel to you if you were coupled with someone who said. No trouble I'll go out an earn the rent etc.? Please stay home and paint. Oh and here's the 200 for that art show you wanted to be in. At this point that will never be your future.

It is difficult to get others to change. Period. They have to want to change for themselves. I'm sure you've had talks with her about the things you would like her to do while you work you ass off all day? If not, it's time to start.
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hmm i was married to one of thoes... he sat home on his a$$ for 2 years after he lost his job doing almost nothing but play video games. i was working full time, had to keep our child in day care cause it was "too stressful" for him to take care of him, and i probably did 90% of the housework as well. hate to tell you he is now my exhusband. only advice i can give you is if you really want to stay with her, since she is acting like a child, treat her like one. Give her some ultimatums and FOLLOW through with the consequences. good luck

oh and dont have a child with her....
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She wants to be an actress? Of course...she wants to be successful, get better parts, then eventually be discovered. Then, when she's well on her way to being a celeb, she'll be saying:

"Well, thanks for the time, roof over my head and security, but I'm going to be a star, and I can't afford to be seen with YOU, so..."
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Please dont berate me and tell me I am a fool for staying, I already feel this way.
Go re-read the thread you started EARLY THIS SUMMER when you both lived in RI. You had the WHOLE SUMMER to contemplate the reality of your situation. You received a lot of very on-point advice.

You chose to ignore all of the advice.

You decided to keep the circus intact and move it to the other side of the country.


You can't.
A shrink can't.
Only your girlfriend CAN, and she DOESN'T WANT TO.

I just want to work things out.
Yup, and I want to be 30 again, win the lotto, and date Colin Firth.

'Wanting' is FREE, living with this chick ain't. It costs a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT to live with her, and it's not just money it's costing you, it's also costing you self-respect.

How come I get the feeling that besides your 'savior complex', you feel that you don't DESERVE to be treated well?
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I wouldn't hold a job or clean the apartment either if I my husband would roll over and pay for everything I wanted to do.

But I have respect for my husband. (Note: he's an artist too. So I 'get' the different 'lifestyle')

And myself.

I don't see anything salvageable here until you man up.

You should go to the Men's Clubhouse. They'll set you straight.
Housecleaning habits this... rarely change, unfortunetely, it will be a continual striving... I swear some are born with the clean gene and some seem to be born - even with a hoarders mentality...adding animals excretement to the mix... God help you !

F-102 said: She wants to be an actress? Of course...she wants to be successful, get better parts, then eventually be discovered. Then, when she's well on her way to being a celeb, she'll be saying:

"Well, thanks for the time, roof over my head and security, but I'm going to be a star, and I can't afford to be seen with YOU, so..."
This was my immediate thought reading your opening post.
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I wouldn't hold a job or clean the apartment either if I my husband would roll over and pay for everything I wanted to do.

But I have respect for my husband. (Note: he's an artist too. So I 'get' the different 'lifestyle')

And myself.

I don't see anything salvageable here until you man up.

You should go to the Men's Clubhouse. They'll set you straight.
I agree...time to man up...

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People that live in filth are sometimes mentally ill. You may want to get her to a doctor for a dx. Good luck.
Update: when she got home she pouted and apologized. Even the way she did, she always acts like its this one single time. Like the alcoholic doesnt have a big problem, he just drank too much this one time but remember all the days he was sober!!

Anyway I calmly told her she needed to move out, grow up a bit, and maybe later we could work on things.

She started screaming and throwing things and threatening to hurt herself. Usually this gets me very upset and I stop her and etc etc, but this time I saw it for what it was....a manipulative tantrum. So I ignored it.

She then tried to throw herself at me. I ignored that too. Then she tried guilting me about how she'll have to live in a bedbug ridden place that doesnt allow pets and such.

Good thing to point out is that it was about 1 am and her job is to walk the dog around midnight one last time for bed, while this was going on i had asked her once or twice to and she kept saying "in a minute" ughh

So I got up and walked my dog and when I came back I went to sleep on the couch. She got up, got dressed, and said she was going to the car. I asked why, she said it was the only thing that was hers...i didnt want to mention she hasnt paid a freaking CENT for that car, I kind of just wanted her gone.

She left and hasnt been back. I feel relieved. Sad, really sad.
She kept guilting me that 5 years is over bc of one mistake, that earlier today i was trying to get us a car and now i want her out. such and such

I think youre right, i think i dont believe i deserve to be treated well...even when she left all i could think about was all the horrible lies she would tell her family and friends about me to make me seem like the biggest jerk on earth and how basically it confirmed for me that i am a worthless piece of crap. i know, i know my self esteem is zilch and i am trying to work on it, i hope one day i can afford therapy...though i had been in it for several years and all it had done was make me feel worse about myself. so idk
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Maybe someone on TAM knows a good book about building self esteem and healthy boundaries you could utilize before you can afford therapy.

Just know that you're doing the right thing and you deserve better!

Also did she take your car or did you break down and purchase one for her?
so the car is one her dad bought for us. I gave him the downpayment of 2500 and ive been making payments to him. with every check I wrote him I could feel my gf cringe and she always tried to get me to not pay him if we were tight with money that month, she'd say "oh he doesnt mind". He may not but I do.

Anyhow, idk what to do about the car situation, its in her name, i have a few k into it, and im in a poor situation to be able to buy another car, idk maybe i will try those used dealership lease options where all u need is a job.
The sooner you rid your life of this soul-sucker, the more peace YOU will find.

There are HUNDREDS of self-help books available. MOST of them are available FREE through the library.

Kick her to the curb, change your email, phone #, cell phone #, etc. Do NOT respond to ANY attempts at communication from this girl-child (she's not even a woman)...delete, shred, ignore, whatever.

Your parents raised you right! When will YOU see the value that THEY see in you? the value *WE* (total anonymous strangers who ONLY know you through your TAM threads) see in you? You don't HAVE to be a suffering artist! You can be a healthy, thriving, successful artist. But Y-O-U have to see it first. and want it. and work for it. and then accept it.

After you kick soul-sucker to the curb, QUIT DATING. This is the second mentally/emotionally unstable girl in a row you have dated. FIXING YOURSELF should be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY right after keeping employed. The money you save from NOT SUPPORTING soul-sucker could be used to get yourself some therapy (free, low-cost, sliding-scale); in the meantime...LIVE ALONE, work hard, create, save money, then GET YOURSELF FIXED or the rest of your live will be with a soul-sucker (she'll either be this one, or one JUST LIKE HER with a different name.)

BTW: You *DO* realize she'll never make it as an actress, don't you? It actually DOES require some good amount of working...and soul-sucker is deathly allergic to work! She's really just marking time until rich daddy dies; then she'll piss through his money and work on finding a wealthy husband she can leech off of. You *DO* realize that even if she marries you [shudder], she won't stay with you once she has managed to spend all of daddy's money -- you can't keep her in the style to which she would LIKE to be accustomed.
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Um... HELL no.

If she wants her own car.. then she'd better get a regular job to pay for it.

Tell her you CANNOT afford it. NO WAY. SHE has to buy it, insure it and put fuel in it. If it breaks down, SHE has to repair it. LEAVE HER NO DOUBT that you mean this.

Tell her you already said that she needs to get a job to help you make ends meet. THat iS WITHOUT the cost of a second car and second insurance, etc, etc. AND you still expect the half of rent to be paid, while she is loooking for this dream car that will not cost her much in insurance or fuel costs.

Now, the cat issue:
Tell her its clean up time. Both of you tackle it all together, Then tell her... NEXT time you see cat **** ANYWHERE other than the litter box... and the litter box is FULL... THen the cat goes!. Flat out it will be taken to the nearest shelter.

After that, if you smell an odor in the kitchen and she has not done dishes.. and you find Moldy smelly dirty dishes somewhere, then SHE Goes. Flat out she will be taken to the nearest shelter & dropped off.

Then watch her change her tune.
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