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Discussion Starter #41
Well, nothing that happened even mattered.
He told me that he ended up agreeing so that he could “make me happy”.
That screamed at me. Red flags.

I ended up weighing everything out, not just that, but a lot of other things as well.

Last night I told him exactly how I was feeling, and he ended up calling his mother, asking her to make a decision that I told him to make. He had to choose to either move in with me and give us a fair shake at things, or not. He is currently living with his ex-wife and her bf, who is the man that she cheated on him for a year with and left him for.
I told him, her or me. He called his mom. I pulled the plug.

I know that I was unfair about some things, however he was told about my trust issues and such, and I did put him through some tests to see where his loyalty was. He failed. When I needed him, he was not there. He was too busy appeasing his ex wife and leaving me crumbs. No thanks.


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Well, nothing that happened even mattered.
He told me that he ended up agreeing so that he could “make me happy”.
That screamed at me. Red flags.

I ended up weighing everything out, not just that, but a lot of other things as well.

Last night I told him exactly how I was feeling, and he ended up calling his mother, asking her to make a decision that I told him to make. He had to choose to either move in with me and give us a fair shake at things, or not. He is currently living with his ex-wife and her bf, who is the man that she cheated on him for a year with and left him for.
I told him, her or me. He called his mom. I pulled the plug.

I know that I was unfair about some things, however he was told about my trust issues and such, and I did put him through some tests to see where his loyalty was. He failed. When I needed him, he was not there. He was too busy appeasing his ex wife and leaving me crumbs. No thanks.




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When you found this out is when you should have pulled the plug....or not plugged in to begin with.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
I am just proud of myself for getting away as cleanly as I did.
I know that it just would have turned into a circle of resentment because at 36, he still calls his mommy and has her make all of his choices for him and when his ex wife up and left him for someone else, he followed her over several states and is he “little b!tch”.

I need a man, not a pathetic little boy.


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He is currently living with his ex-wife and her bf, who is the man that she cheated on him for a year with and left him for.

I told him, her or me. He called his mom. I pulled the plug.
He is so pathetic he's living with his ex and the man she had an affair and left him to be with. You asked him to make a choice and he called his mom to tell him what to do.

Honey, this guy is a jellyfish. He's just being carried along by the current with no spine or will of his own.
 

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Discussion Starter #45
He is so pathetic he's living with his ex and the man she had an affair and left him to be with. You asked him to make a choice and he called his mom to tell him what to do.



Honey, this guy is a jellyfish. He's just being carried along by the current with no spine or will of his own.


I completely agree.
I do not think that there is anything wrong with talking to your “support system” to ask them for advice when you are faced with an important decision, however allowing your mother, at age 36, to make all of your decisions for you, is pathetic and spineless.

I had my birthday recently and also had to have a major operation.
Because of the possibility of complications and such from the operation, I wanted my birthday to be special and we went away for a very expensive weekend. I paid for everything for the weekend (posh hotel, food, drinks, entertainment), which I was ok with because it was what I wanted.
My birthday gift from him was a cheap pair of earrings and he was not around post-op.

When I finally did hear from him, I was completely messed up from the anesthesia and lack of pain meds (prescription error). I was in some of the worst pain in my life, hardly able to move and then I get to listen to her b!tching at him over nothing and then dragging me into it (he talks to me on the phone too much, so why doesn’t he just leave and move in with me).
I, at that point, had hit my breaking point. He was not here for me when I needed him because he was there, under her thumb, and that set me off. Then he called his mom.

Done. No way to fix it now. All of that killed any ounce of love that I had for the man.


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Well, it was more of a general question.

I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?

I am a lot “wilder” than my current partner, and I have already experienced a lot in life. There are a lot of things I still want to do.

I am just curious how others have handled these situations. Like get it all out now before taking those next steps, and was it successful for you to do so....or just let things evolve and see what happens?

Consequences?

I am pushing boundaries at the moment and his “bucket list” keeps on getting bigger as I do so, which is a huge turn on.



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i just highlighted an area of concern. Your current partner. Having a partner, current or otherwise, might limit fantasies for some people.

And does he realise he has only managed to attain "current" partner status and that he could be replaced any time soon with another "current" partner?:scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter #47
i just highlighted an area of concern. Your current partner. Having a partner, current or otherwise, might limit fantasies for some people.



And does he realise he has only managed to attain "current" partner status and that he could be replaced any time soon with another "current" partner?:scratchhead:


Well, we are no longer together due to other issues in the relationship.

I have trust issues, due to many years of being in abusive relationships.
I finally found my position in that cycle, and then got myself out of it. He was very helpful in assisting me through this process, and I allowed him into my heart because of this.

Our friendship had moments of strain due to his situation with his ex-wife. However I believed in his promises because of his “emotional support” towards me. A relationship evolved and developed.

When little things started popping up here and there, my new found senses started to twitch and there were a couple of rough patches and “tests”. I have already been down the road and was trying to make sure that I was not going to be going down it again.

Over the past several days, it has become very clear to me that my “picker” is still broken. I went from extremely abusive (physical, emotional, financial, psychological etc...) relationships to someone who spent his time to listen and support me, only to use me for money, get me into bed and get a nice cushy time until I wiped the haze off of my rose coloured glasses.

This woman is going to choose to stay single for a long time. I have felt enough pain in my life to last 100 lives.


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Discussion Starter #51
Very Sorry @a_new_me, but now you can "try out your fantasies" at your desire. Not every guy out there is a scumbag.


No. I agree. They are not all like that.
In the meantime, I will spend my time with those that I love....that love me just as much and truly deserve my everything.


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Well, we are no longer together due to other issues in the relationship.

I have trust issues, due to many years of being in abusive relationships.
I finally found my position in that cycle, and then got myself out of it. He was very helpful in assisting me through this process, and I allowed him into my heart because of this.

Our friendship had moments of strain due to his situation with his ex-wife. However I believed in his promises because of his “emotional support” towards me. A relationship evolved and developed.

When little things started popping up here and there, my new found senses started to twitch and there were a couple of rough patches and “tests”. I have already been down the road and was trying to make sure that I was not going to be going down it again.

Over the past several days, it has become very clear to me that my “picker” is still broken. I went from extremely abusive (physical, emotional, financial, psychological etc...) relationships to someone who spent his time to listen and support me, only to use me for money, get me into bed and get a nice cushy time until I wiped the haze off of my rose coloured glasses.

This woman is going to choose to stay single for a long time. I have felt enough pain in my life to last 100 lives.
So basically this guy used your need for emotional support as a way to manipulate and use you. That's yet another forum of abuse.

As you have found out, abuse can take many forms. It's not unusual for a person who has learned to identify one type of abuse to get suckered into a relationship in which another forum of abuse exists. Life's lessons are often very expensive. you have paid a high tuition.

Hopefully you will be able to identify abusers of all types in the future. I sure hope so.
 

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I completely agree.
I do not think that there is anything wrong with talking to your “support system” to ask them for advice when you are faced with an important decision, however allowing your mother, at age 36, to make all of your decisions for you, is pathetic and spineless.
From what I gather you're a kinkster. Me, too. I'm a monogamous kinky person, so it's different, but the principles are the same. Freely given consent is so very important. The problem with a guy like your now ex is that he's, in my view, not really capable of consenting because he's so extremely weak and dependent he just follows wherever he's lead and seems to have little to no idea what he actually wants. I would be uncomfortable sharing kink with someone who doesn't know what they want and, more importantly, what they don't. Even super submissives need to have, and be willing to enforce, boundaries.

To your original question, I think it's better to explore fantasies before entering into a committed relationship. I think it's all part of an individual learning who they are and what they actually enjoy vs what they think they do. How things work in fantasy aren't the same as how they work in reality and it's best to learn the difference when the stakes are low. The time to figure out you can't live with the reality of certain acts isn't after you have intertwined families, a mortgage, a couple kids, and a dog.
 

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Discussion Starter #54
Thank you to both of you (Elle and MJ...I am not good at figuring out this multi quoting thing so I can reference you both properly).

I do think that you both have nailed it on the head.

Thank you so much for your understanding and support. It has helped me greatly to deal with my current situation and navigate my way out of it.

Hopefully one day I will be able to meet the right person. I know that my now ex was not him. He has ways to contact me and has not exercised those options, so that is even more proof to me that making the decision to end things was the right choice for me.



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