I have the same issues, sort of. I don't think I'm as bad as you, but for a decade with my ex-wife, I had all these concerns regarding sex because of her attitude toward it. It's also because you want sex so bad, you're willing to accept these terms and then you find yourself so focused on avoiding these issues that you can't just suddenly NOT focus on them at a flip of a switch.
You should tell her your issues and that you want to work through them but it will take time.
I'm with a new women, have been for five years, and I'm still finding myself preconditioned to do things (both sexually and otheriwse) that have nothing to do with my fiancee and everything to do with how my ex-wife treated me. I can't imagine it gets any easier getting over these same hangups with the woman who caused them.
You should tell her your issues and that you want to work through them but it will take time.
I'm with a new women, have been for five years, and I'm still finding myself preconditioned to do things (both sexually and otheriwse) that have nothing to do with my fiancee and everything to do with how my ex-wife treated me. I can't imagine it gets any easier getting over these same hangups with the woman who caused them.