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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It has been four months since D-Day. I (41M) am really not over my wife’s (40F) infidelity. I want to be, but I am not. It has been the most excruciating, traumatic event of my life to date. The affair started during a really tough time for her and I. I had suffered some serious professional setbacks, and we had lost a baby after 9 weeks of pregnancy. We also have two young children. Admittedly, we were not in a good place. I think about it daily and I cannot stop myself from doing so. I believe my wife when she tells me that she only slept with him once and that it is over. She told me that her and her AP realized that it was “wrong” and she did not want to destroy her marriage over it. However, they remained friends after sleeping together, and hid that relationship from me and our friends for two years. That being said, I still love her and always will. Here are the facts of the affair and how I see them. Please provide your thoughts.

1.Wife began inappropriate texting relationship with her personal trainer (PT) in winter of 2014. I discovered it by seeing messages on her phone between them. The messages alluded to dinner and drinks together, especially on occasions when I was not around or working late.
2. I told her that I knew about it and that it should stop immediately in March of 2014. I explained that I was uncomfortable with this type of relationship and preferred that she should stop training with PT.
3. She claimed that she would stop the texting relationship, but she wanted to continue training with PT.
4. Later in that month, we went to dinner together, and said we would start working more on our communication.
5. Wife continued to train with PT, and deceptively meet him on occasion outside the gym (coffee, dinner). Some time in April/May of that year, she slept with PT. I did not find out about this for sure until two years later, but I had been suspecting and never had evidence.
6. My wife changed his name on her phone from PT to other women’s names (Rose/Veronica, whatever) to conceal their communication.
7. She continued to text him and see him (later she admitted as “friends only”) throughout 2015
8. In March of 2015, she lied and said she was going out with her friends, but instead went out with PT and drank too much. She ended up in a Holiday Inn Express hotel room. I discovered this by seeing a strange charge on our cc the following day.
9. I confronted her about the hotel. Initially she lied and said she had no idea about the hotel room and she really had gone out with her friends. When pressed, she fessed up and said that she had gone out with PT and drank too much, could not drive home. She claimed that she did not sleep with him. Once again, I asked her to stop her relationship with him, but she refused.
10. She claimed that there was “nothing going on”, he was “not her type”, “he is just a personal trainer”.
11. I continued to monitor her cell and found that she had stayed in touch with him. I asked again for honesty regarding herr relationship sometime in early June after I had seen on the phone bill multiple texts between her and PT while I was working late. She denied everything and said I was being insecure.
12. From what I could tell, she saw him less in summer and fall of 2015, but she did see him. She continued to text him under pseudonyms.
13. I confronted her in late January of 2016. I was tired of the deception and I wanted the truth. my wife said that she were just really good friends and wanted to remain so. I wanted to support it at the time to move on, hoping she would be honest with me from this point on.
14. The following week, I took the girls to visit my mother and sister. She stayed home. The night we left, she visited PT. I knew when I came home because I checked her phone (re: text conversation with FAKE GIRL’S NAME). She withheld this information from me.
15. On 12 February, I discovered a revealing text in which she wrote that she had indeed slept with PT. This confirmed that she had been lying to me for two years.
16. I wanted to reconcile. I thought she did as well. So I wanted her to stop working out with him and seeing him. I preferred no contact at all. She said she would stop seeing him, but not working out with him. She is still working out with him, to my knowledge. She does not see him as far as I can tell and appears to be above board. Recently, she is beginning to transition to a new personal trainer (no affair there)
17. As part of my process of healing from the affair, I wanted to know details, where, when, etc…I needed to know everything. Initially, she told me about the night she
slept with him in a detailed manner.
18. In later conversations, it became apparent that she did not want to talk about the affair with him with me. She got upset every time I brought it up.
 

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1. She's lying. About a LOT.

2. Has she, at this point, COMPLETELY cut any and all contact w/ this guy? If not, the affair is still on. If so, when did this happen?

ETA: Just caught that she is still working out w/ this guy. Newsflash... SHE IS STILL CHEATING. The voice inside your head is correct.

File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.
 

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Once broken, trust takes a long time to be regained.

You'd do well to think about the things you need in order for that to happen, and then tell her, sot here's something other than the betrayal itself in your head.


FWIW, depending on how you generally handle things like betrayal, this might not be repairable. You should also consider going into therapy to discuss this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
@Unicus. I AGREE. I am much more angry at the two years of deception than the "physical affair". My wife has been much more vigilant of our relationship since D-Day. But not to the degree where if I bring up the affair, she will engage in a convo. She wants to put it past us. The rub is, I was suspecting her of having a physical affair for two years, but she actually had one night stand with someone she had a physical affair with two years ago. I just discovered it (with certainty) four months ago. Basically, she went through a guilty and remorseful period for sleeping with another man 1.5 years ago, and I recently found out about it. Our grieving/recovery periods are out of synch.
 

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She does still train with him occasionally. She certainly is not meeting him anymore outside their training sessions. Most of my issue is that she is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression, that she really does not want to talk about it. But I think I need to.
For as long as she's in contact w/ him AT ALL, the affair is still on.

The absolute first rule to reconciliation is ZERO contact going forward w/ affair partners. No phone calls, no texts, no Facebook or other social media, no e-mail, and CERTAINLY no working out together.

I mean... COME THE F#CK ON, man... this is just common damn sense.

Is this guy married? If not, does he have a steady girlfriend, SO, fiancée, etc? If so, expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend/SO.

Also let the gym know what he's been up to on the premises.
 

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@Unicus. I AGREE. I am much more angry at the two years of deception than the "physical affair". My wife has been much more vigilant of our relationship since D-Day. But not to the degree where if I bring up the affair, she will engage in a convo. She wants to put it past us. The rub is, I was suspecting her of having a physical affair for two years, but she actually had one night stand with someone she had a physical affair with two years ago. I just discovered it (with certainty) four months ago. Basically, she went through a guilty and remorseful period for sleeping with another man 1.5 years ago, and I recently found out about it. Our grieving/recovery periods are out of synch.
First off, you just found out, so it's news to you. Doesn't matter that it ended how many ever months or years ago.

Second, IT DIDN'T END. Use your common damn sense.

Third, she doesn't want to reconcile, she wants to rugsweep, and she gets angry when you ask questions because she realizes that a) you're challenging her bullsh*t account of things and b) should you become aware of the truth, it will be more difficult for her to keep you in her thrall.

Wake up.
 

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You really need to stop acting like a cuckold. If there's any chance you want your marriage to survive, don't know why you'd want it to, you have to lay down the law. She's a liar and you're basically getting it up the bum with how accepting you are of the situation. Shame really.
 

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You're doing this all wrong.

I cheated on my husband and lied to him about it for close to 3 years. We are 5 months into reconciliation after 4 months of separation after I came clean.

My OM was my husbands best friend. Drunken ONS (oral sex) that I told my husband was "just a kiss" for close to 3 years.

We did not hang out with him for a year after what I did and then started hanging out with him again for close to 2 years. My husband was in his wedding this past July and then in September asked me for a separation. A week later I told him the entire truth of what went down that night and he asked me for a divorce.

I continued to talk to OM occasionally after my husband and I separated (he lives one road over). In November, I finally stopped talking to OM. While my affair was literally only a one time thing, my continued contact with him added layers of betrayal to my marriage. My husband never got a chance to "get over it" because I continued to throw om in his face and my husband allowed them to stay friends.

My friend, your wife is continuing to betray you on a daily basis by insisting that she still work out with this fool. PT's are a dime a dozen. She insists on working out with him because a) she's still sleeping with him b) she still has feelings for him c) she's still feeding you lies about the extent of their affair d) she's cake eating e) she's not remorseful f) any combination or all of the above.

Scorch the earth. Threaten divorce. You don't have to go through with it, but she has to think you will. Only then will you get all of the details. Only then will you see her truly fight for you.
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How many more chances are you going to give her before anything she does is actually wrong. Because she's had no consequences for her actions other than you telling her what you expect, then caving in to her whims.
 

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She is not so consumed with guilt she can't talk about the details. She's not talking about the details because she doesn't want to get caught in a lie.

I begged my husband to let me tell him the details from start to finish and to ask me any questions he wanted to. At first, he did not want to hear it. I don't blame him, but I knew that if we were to he together, he needed every single second of the truth. My husband no longer brings it up. But he did for quite some time. "Threw it in my face" (I never looked at it that way, that's cheater speak for not wanting to admit what you did). He referred to me as his "cheating wife", told me that I just wanted to put it all behind us because I had done wrong. That's why I asked to be able to tell him everything without him shutting me down. He DESERVED to know it all and ask whatever questions he wanted. He still can if he wants to. Only after I told him the entire story and he had free reign to ask about it and talk about it was he able to move forward with me.
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OP,

I agree with the other posters....the A is not really over if she still has any contact with this POS.

And I suspect that a major reason your WW does not want to discuss anything is because she has admitted to you just the 'tip of the iceberg' about how much and how often she betrayed you.

Too many red flags for this to have been a single ONS.....like the night with the hotel room when you were out of town; that story just doesn't pass the smell test IMO.

As long as your WW continues to hide and deceive about what she did, the A hasn't really ended IMO.....it is a continuation of her betrayal.

Other posters are also correct on exposing this POS.....to his BW/gf if he has one and to the gym he works at.
 

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I believe my wife when she tells me that she only slept with him once and that it is over. She told me that her and her AP realized that it was “wrong” and she did not want to destroy her marriage over it.
She is so ashamed and ridden with guilt about her transgression.
My wife has been much more vigilant of our relationship since D-Day.
Your wife’s story is that she was so “ashamed and ridden with guilt” that she ended the affair on her own so as to not “destroy her marriage over it.” But according you she didn’t become “more vigilant of your relationship” until D day. Why didn’t she become “much more vigilant” when she realized how important the marriage was and ended the affair? Why did she wait until D day?

It sounds like she’s more guilty about getting caught than the affair itself. In addition, if I do something really stupid I don’t like to keep things around that remind me of it. For example if I get a speeding ticket I pay it off right away so that I can put it behind me. If it was such a bad thing why did she continue to contact the OM?

18. In later conversations, it became apparent that she did not want to talk about the affair with him with me. She got upset every time I brought it up.
Tell your wife that she knows everything about the affair because she was there. You were not and have questions.

My money is on that they had sex this entire time. That’s why there was no working on the marriage until she was caught.
 

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I suppose this is another of those situations I see differently, too.

First, if it happened once or it lasted years and years is irrelevant. It's not about the actions themselves, it's about the reasons. She's impulsive, she's self centered, she's insecure, she has bad judgment. There's all kinds of temptations in the world, we use our brains and a modicum of self control to make good choices. She doesn't have that. If this affair ended or not isn't the issue, it's the underlying deficits that allowed the behaviors in the first place..those are the real culprit here. Without addressing those deficits, the amount of emotional filth under the rug is irrelevant.

Your task here is to determine what she needs to do to regain your trust, and then she needs to buy into that.

If you're looking for a loot of support for her being a scum bag, you've got it. Now what?
 

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Your wife...wow.

She must really be something. She actually has you believing that your eyes are lying to you.

There is not an infidelity expert anywhere that I have seen that believes an affair can end while there is still contact. None. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

So...either your wife is a special snowflake, or you are in over your head. At this point, which does your head actually believe?

You are in denial my friend. Outright denial.

If you worked for me and solved problems like this, I would send you packing.

You KNOW she is still cheating on you or you would not be here.

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