[shepherdblue]

My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months, and are moving out of state shortly afterwards. His parents, sadly, have recently decided to separate. We're both very concerned about his dad living on his own, because he seems to have started having thoughts about suicide. My fiance wants him to move in with us for a while after we move. I love my soon-to-be father-in-law dearly; I enjoy spending time with him, and I definitely want to do whatever it takes to get him psychologically stable. But I am worried about it putting strain on my relationship with my husband, particularly since we will be newlyweds. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I need some advice!

 

[lamaga]

How old is Dad?

This sounds like a terrible idea to me. Now, if Dad is 80+ and simply cannot take care of himself, then it's one of those things that you just have to suck up and do. But if Dad is 50ish and just not dealing well with a divorce, that's a terrible burden for you and your new husband to take on, especially as a newlywed. And it's enabling Dad to not take the steps he needs to take to get his life back.

You know all that, the problem is how do you convince your fiance, right? Well, are you guys doing any premarital counseling through your church/synagogue/other? This could be a good thing to bring up there. I really think you have to have a frank talk with him -- all that mad passionate sex on the living room floor on Saturday afternoons is going to be a thing of the past, for one thing!

One other thought, while it is terrifying to see relatives deal with suicidal thoughts, it is not unheard of for people to use threats of suicide as a manipulative strategy. Do you think this is what Dad is doing? Does Dad even want to live with you guys?

More info please! But also, wishing you the best of luck. This should not be a time for you to worry about this.

 

[Mmommy1]

We currently live in the same house as my father in law, which I thought was going to be a mess..but it turned out to be okay. We get along great and joke around and just have a fun time. It didnt put as much of a dip in our marriage as I thought it would have. You could agree to try it out...worst case he gets an apartment close by when he it more stable in a couple months.

 

[Hicks]

I think the drama associated with the suicidal, father, separated from the mother, is detrimenatal to the concept of marriage.

 

[shepherdblue]

Hicks, a lot of people I've spoken with agree with you. Could you please elaborate? Have you or has someone you know had a similar experience? What happened?

Mmommy1, thank you for sharing your success story. It gives me some hope that this isn't necessarily going to be a train wreck!

 

[Hicks]

I never did this.
I know from experience that people who are too tied into drama regarding their family of origin are not able to devote the time, attention and focus to meeting the emotional needs of the spouse.... And on top of this, it's really a bad move to live with anyone in your marriage except for your spouse and children, because this outsider will interfere with the proper functioning of your marriage... And to top it off, you are talking about taking in what I call a Non Functioning human being.... Why is it your Man's job to fix a person ? This is really going to turn out badly.

Now, your father in law, who does not know how to keep his own marriage intact becomes a presence in your marriage??? He is a grown man and is suicidal? That is a bad model to follow and welcome into your life... You should surround yourself with pro-marriage ideas and people.

 

[shepherdblue]

Thanks for all of your insight! We are seeing a marriage counselor, which is extremely helpful. Luckily, the issue was resolved before my fiance and I got into any kind of major disagreement. His dad told him that he does not want to move in with us, and intends to find an apartment locally. I'm still worried about him, but I'm quite relieved.

 

[lamaga]

Good to hear, Shep.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

It's tough! My dad lost his job and was lucky enough to sell his house. I offered for them and their 7 dogs to stay even though we are allowed 2 in our city. Those were the toughest days of my life. Living under the roof of my mother wanting things her way right down to the food. We buy generic, so it tastes different then what they were use to. My kids were too loud(playing), my house wasn't clean(I just broke my neck), the food wasn't good enough, plus listening to my parents constantly fight. Ugh. My husband was great! He kept quiet and never said a word. Finally my dad got a job and they used the money from the equity of their sold home to build a new house. Doing this newly married would be a hundred times more difficult! We never had any privacy. The first year we were married was trying to conceive our first child together, I can't imagine having another adult living in my home at the time.