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Howdy all,

This isn't my first post, but it's my first thread. I've decided to start my own thread on the subject of the OODA (observe, orient, decide, and act) loop because I feel if could help confronting spouses regain and maintain control over their situation.

When faced with new input (like finding out about an affair) you are immediately on the defensive side of the OODA loop. You've caught your spouse, and are now forced to figure out what that means, decide what to do about it, and act on that decision. Your first step should be to regain the upper hand.

In a perfect world, your spouse won't know you know until you've made your decision and proceeded to act. Every time you do something that disrupts his/her world, he/she will have to go through the OODA loop. The less you give him/her to go on (never, ever reveal all of what you know or how you know it) the longer the orientation stage will last, and the more off balance they will be.

No plan survives contact with the enemy. Be that enemy. He/She had a plan, which you have now disrupted. Every time you force them into an OODA loop, you're showing them who's really in control.

If R is your goal, create the list of requirements that are needed for R. This should be a pass/fail list. Either they follow all or the marriage is over. This simplifies your OODA decisions, and lets you maintain control of their decision tree. Stick to it, even if you don't get the answer you want. No bargaining.

Going dark is such a great strategy because it gives them no information to orient on. Every action on their part becomes a game of "Can I get them to react?" so don't contact them until you have a reason to. Make them react to you, not the other way around.
 

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Why bother.

If they are your enemy and you need to go through that much trouble to try to maintain the upper hand in order to facilitate some sort of reconciliation, it's just a huge waste of time and effort.

Better idea. If things are that far gone, once you're convinced that they're cheating, go and file for divorce and never contact them again unless you absolutely have to, such as for child care purposes or splitting up joint assets.
 

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Why bother.

If they are your enemy and you need to go through that much trouble to try to maintain the upper hand in order to facilitate some sort of reconciliation, it's just a huge waste of time and effort.

Better idea. If things are that far gone, once you're convinced that they're cheating, go and file for divorce and never contact them again unless you absolutely have to, such as for child care purposes or splitting up joint assets.
Because if you always take the low risk, passive route what's the point of living to fight another day if you never ever will fight?
 
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