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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi,
I am having one of the worst times in my life because of the lack of sex in my marriage. However, ever since the begining of our relationship, we have only averaged sex about 2 or 3 times every three months or so. I asked her if she is not attracted to me. I keep myself very fit and have absolutley no trouble with the opposite sex. My wife did have issues from before due to molestation. I believe that this is the problem but she denies it. She refuses to get help. I have had to try to channel my energies somewhere else but it's gotten to the point where after 12 years, It's fallen apart. I still love her but that aspect of the relationship is gone. She wants to have a baby and wants me to get her pregnant. Basically the times that she has felt like having sex is for the mere sake of procreation. I am against this so I have refused to have a child like this. So now, she says I don't want to give her a child and that's just wrong! I wish we could work it out but she just doesn't seem to understand where I am coming from.
Has anybody had a similar experience and wish to share? I am having an unbelievably hard time with this problem.
Thank you
drock
 

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Perhaps trying new things would help. I've watched porn with my h, and included toys in the equation, also slowly working to make ourselves more comfortable with each other. Unfortunately in my position, it's not helping but in yours, it might?
 

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First, DON'T GET PREGNANT. I tell my wife that I don't feel sorry for women who won't have sex with their husbands and find they've been cheated on. Some women believe that sex is an option, and if they don't feel like it then you should just be ok and go on with a normal marriage. Bull. I'd move on too.
 

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I had a similar problem with my wife not wanting sex. We are now getting divorced at her request, but sex wasn;t the main issue. I can't understand why she didn't want it more often.
 

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Your wife has always been like this. Now you want her to change. You married someone incompatible to you. Don't have a child. You are still young, and she younger. Let her find someone who is compatible with her.
 

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I had a similar problem with my wife not wanting sex. We are now getting divorced at her request, but sex wasn;t the main issue. I can't understand why she didn't want it more often.
She didn't want it more often because of whatever the main issue was?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hey,
Thanks for all of the quick responses ! I think this works better than therapy! I went by myself to two therapists and they didn't help at all. I guess "real people" experiences work best.
As far as the porn thing, we tried it a couple of times but I was the one that did not want to go that route because I don't feel like one should need this sort of assistance in a marriage. Certain times when I would approach her with intentions of being intimate, she would say "why don't you go take care of yourself". However, she is always asking me for a baby. I just don't get it.
 

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Your wife has always been like this. Now you want her to change. You married someone incompatible to you. Don't have a child. You are still young, and she younger. Let her find someone who is compatible with her.
she wont have regular loving sex with him but yet she wants to have a baby with him, i find that extremely odd. sounds like a sperm bank is her soul mate
 

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It's actually not too odd.

I did kind of experience the same thing with my marriage, although the difference is in the beginning, the sex was out of this world. It just gradually declined into your situation. . .where my ex-wife would schedule sex with her then obsession of when she was ovulating, planning it out to the tee. Of course, I was sex starved for the sex once/month and I felt as you did, but I went along to get my "rations."

What I should have done a long time ago was divorce her as refusal of sex is is legal grounds, religious grounds and moral grounds for divorce. Plain and simple. I won't get into my lecture of how a marriage is a sexual relationship and one that needs to be consummated to be valid but there it is.

My thoughts on this:

I think after 42 years on this earth, I understand women a little better (just a little). First of all, I am about to speak in a generalization. Every woman is totally different but here's my theory on your wife and my wife. So don't go all pissy on me, forum, for generalizing. I totally admit it is.

Think of this from the perspective of a 27 year old female. Your ovaries and uterus and vagina and boobies are at their prime (reproductive organs). You've got guys trying to get in your pants regularly and plant their seed. Most are pigs. A lot are losers. Half of them don't clean up right. I honestly feel sorry for a lot of women that age with the choices they have. . .try even younger where women have to date a guy with his nasty old boxers hanging out.

Some have potential though.

You are just thinking from the perspective of "Who would be a good father."

You, my friend, have been targeted as "Father Potential". It's just that probably, on some level she is either:

a. Asexual

or

b. You just don't do it for her. (sorry to be blunt)

But a woman figures, okay. . .I had better land a good father for my kids though and then often makes the wrong choice in hooking up with a man like you/us. It leads to a miserable marriage.

Now I am assuming a lot here - that you are mostly financially solvent, gainfully employed, not a spendthrift, not doing drugs, and other "Drama" we hear at the forum.

Now, of course, it's not all this conscious for the female. It's not like she's thinking the above. . .it's just that some women target some men for "fatherhood." Somethign subconscious is going on in all of this but it's really not that odd at all.

She wants you as the Father. She just doesn't want a Lover, Period or doesn't want you as a Lover.

She may be a lovely person, but either she's

A. Not called to marriage in general.
B. Not called to marriage with you.

Either way, you have to fire her gentley and move on and let her find someone who does its for her but more Machievellean, someone who does it for you, which it sounds like you found.

Good luck.
 

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Or I could be a therapist and just say,

"So.

Why can't you work it out then?"

LOL.

No, a small dig at therapists but I do have to say my final therapist told me to divorce her, that my ex-wife was checked out and did give me the final noodge to throw in the towel. She had 25 years of experience in the field though. It is hard to find a good therapist.
 

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Makes a lot of sense to me. At some level, your wife knows you need sex but she is incapable of giving you that. She probably fears abandonment because she knows you can't possibly be happy. A baby would give her a connection to you that she can't create through sexual intimacy. It would make it harder for you to leave her. It would also give her a human being who would never harm her sexually and would never expect sex from her, someone who would not exploit or abandon her. I don't believe anyone could be sexually molested and not suffer some ill psychological effects.
You didn't molest her and whatever her reason for choosing to withdraw sexually isn't your fault. 95% of that stuff is cemented in our psyche before age 18. You brought your baggage into the marriage and she brought her's. If she was molested, she has plenty and none of that was her fault.
I wouldn't deliberately make a child with her and I also wouldn't have sex with her without personally attending to the birth control.
I dated a woman years ago for a time and when the relationship was on it's last leg, she secretly quit taking birth control pills in order to get pregnant, knowing that I would marry her. Her plan worked. People in distress are capable of all sorts of things.
 

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You made a mistake in getting married to her as you aren't sexually compatible. Getting her pregnant would be another mistake.

I wouldn't have sex with her again, she will try and get pregnant. I'd just assume all the birth control pills are going down the toilet bowl.

It's all but impossible to change women with serious sexual trauma into the loving sexy wives we want. The purpose of marriage is not to save a woman.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
Wow,
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said " It would also give her a human being who would never harm her sexually and would never expect sex from her, someone who would not exploit or abandon her. " I feel like that is absolutely true. Unfortunately, beause its buried deep in her psyche, she ain't going to admit that. I told her I will be there for her if she needs me. :(



Makes a lot of sense to me. At some level, your wife knows you need sex but she is incapable of giving you that. She probably fears abandonment because she knows you can't possibly be happy. A baby would give her a connection to you that she can't create through sexual intimacy. It would make it harder for you to leave her. It would also give her a human being who would never harm her sexually and would never expect sex from her, someone who would not exploit or abandon her. I don't believe anyone could be sexually molested and not suffer some ill psychological effects.
You didn't molest her and whatever her reason for choosing to withdraw sexually isn't your fault. 95% of that stuff is cemented in our psyche before age 18. You brought your baggage into the marriage and she brought her's. If she was molested, she has plenty and none of that was her fault.
I wouldn't deliberately make a child with her and I also wouldn't have sex with her without personally attending to the birth control.
I dated a woman years ago for a time and when the relationship was on it's last leg, she secretly quit taking birth control pills in order to get pregnant, knowing that I would marry her. Her plan worked. People in distress are capable of all sorts of things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
Thanks for your opinion. I read it once and had to re read it with an open mind.:iagree:
You have good points there. right now though, It looks like splitsville.
It's actually not too odd.

I did kind of experience the same thing with my marriage, although the difference is in the beginning, the sex was out of this world. It just gradually declined into your situation. . .where my ex-wife would schedule sex with her then obsession of when she was ovulating, planning it out to the tee. Of course, I was sex starved for the sex once/month and I felt as you did, but I went along to get my "rations."

What I should have done a long time ago was divorce her as refusal of sex is is legal grounds, religious grounds and moral grounds for divorce. Plain and simple. I won't get into my lecture of how a marriage is a sexual relationship and one that needs to be consummated to be valid but there it is.

My thoughts on this:

I think after 42 years on this earth, I understand women a little better (just a little). First of all, I am about to speak in a generalization. Every woman is totally different but here's my theory on your wife and my wife. So don't go all pissy on me, forum, for generalizing. I totally admit it is.

Think of this from the perspective of a 27 year old female. Your ovaries and uterus and vagina and boobies are at their prime (reproductive organs). You've got guys trying to get in your pants regularly and plant their seed. Most are pigs. A lot are losers. Half of them don't clean up right. I honestly feel sorry for a lot of women that age with the choices they have. . .try even younger where women have to date a guy with his nasty old boxers hanging out.

Some have potential though.

You are just thinking from the perspective of "Who would be a good father."

You, my friend, have been targeted as "Father Potential". It's just that probably, on some level she is either:

a. Asexual

or

b. You just don't do it for her. (sorry to be blunt)

But a woman figures, okay. . .I had better land a good father for my kids though and then often makes the wrong choice in hooking up with a man like you/us. It leads to a miserable marriage.

Now I am assuming a lot here - that you are mostly financially solvent, gainfully employed, not a spendthrift, not doing drugs, and other "Drama" we hear at the forum.

Now, of course, it's not all this conscious for the female. It's not like she's thinking the above. . .it's just that some women target some men for "fatherhood." Somethign subconscious is going on in all of this but it's really not that odd at all.

She wants you as the Father. She just doesn't want a Lover, Period or doesn't want you as a Lover.

She may be a lovely person, but either she's

A. Not called to marriage in general.
B. Not called to marriage with you.

Either way, you have to fire her gentley and move on and let her find someone who does its for her but more Machievellean, someone who does it for you, which it sounds like you found.

Good luck.
 
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