Married 3 yrs and together 13 yrs. Two children ages 2 and 8. I was a verbally abusive husband at times. No excuses but also was open and very loving. My wife who is extremely attractive and successful. She asked for a separation 10 months back after we had gone thru hard times. She was spending alot of time at her mothers house and unusual amount of time with a 21 yr old kid and his family with our kids who lived across the street from her parents. I did all the wrong things. Begged, cried, and told her all the regrets and deep hurt I felt since she had left and that I loved her and wanted to keep our family together. I took couples therapy alone cause she was unwilling. Almost 9 months separated she confirmed she was in love with the 21 yr old kid and wants to file ( thought she hasn't). She said they had kept their relationship a secret for months even tho I had asked her several times if she had feelings for him. My wife is 32 and I'm 34. I find losing her extremely difficult and I really love her and was willing and still willing to forgive her and try to save our marriage and 13 yr relationship. I had told her that I will forgive her and that the kid..( who also has a 3 yr old) is a mistake and she would regret it. I don't know if she is truly in love or its some kind of mid life crisis. She simply responded with " if he and I don't work I will come back to you". I never responded to that even though she has said it at least 5 times. I was not perfect and she was damn close before her affair. I miss her and I seem like nothing to her. She said he makes her happy. I just like hearing people thoughts on how to handle losing someone they love so much. I'm lost and broken right now. I moved 2 hrs away. Share regular custody of our kids. She lives at our family home and already took our pics off the wall. It's sad.
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Loyalhusband#1
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To her she never "cheated". She asked for a separation but obviously she had interest in the 21 yr old at the time she asked. To her it's my fault. She gave me the world and I gave her hell. She is happy with him and I didn't care about her happiness. Some parts I look at her and I agree but I gave everything I could to save us.
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I try not to judge by ages. But does a women leaving her husband of 13 yrs and breaking a family with 2 young children for a 21 yr old when she's 32 seem outrageous to anyone? The kid was 13 when we had our daughter for crying out loud
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Suppose he was her age, would you feel less offended? What is sadder to me, is that she thinks he loves her.
When people cheat, and claim they have found true love...my thought is, true love doesn't come in the form of cheating. If you have to cheat to find 'true love,' it most likely isn't true love.
A good guy would respect that your wife is married, and a good woman would respect that she is married.
I know you're sad. But, you need get out of this, and really put your energy on your kids and moving forward with your own life.
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She's with someone else, believe it, let it sink in, and find your self respect. Begging her to come back will make you look very weak and unattractive. You have to be strong and look strong. By strong I don't mean abusive or mean. I mean that you can get along and have a good life without her.
File for divorce. When people find out that she left you for a 21 yr old, it will make her look pathetic, not you. Is she going to support him? He will leave her for someone younger when someone better comes around.
Filing D will make you look strong. If she comes back, and if you want her back, you can remarry. Do not speak with her about anything personal, just about things concerning the children.
I know you are broken. Use this time to become a better man, who will never abuse a woman again, whether it is her or someone else. Know that she did not leave you because of the verbal abuse. She stayed all those years and left when she started something with the 21 yr. old.
File for divorce. When people find out that she left you for a 21 yr old, it will make her look pathetic, not you. Is she going to support him? He will leave her for someone younger when someone better comes around.
Filing D will make you look strong. If she comes back, and if you want her back, you can remarry. Do not speak with her about anything personal, just about things concerning the children.
I know you are broken. Use this time to become a better man, who will never abuse a woman again, whether it is her or someone else. Know that she did not leave you because of the verbal abuse. She stayed all those years and left when she started something with the 21 yr. old.
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I agree with you and love your advice. I simply work and take my kids on the wkends. Not much a life outside that for now. They are my priority. My daughter was just told yesterday by my wife and she was devastated. She said she was scared how I was going to take it. Shes 8.
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The fact that she would share all of this with an 8 yr old. No offense, your wife is disgusting.
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I never wanted to file because I thought I was giving up on my promise. She should have to file to end us. But after reading alot of ur advice I'm taking work off Friday and driving down to file. Taking the first step toward regaining my life and self respect back.
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My daughter knew the fact dad was not around and the boy was all summer made my daughter ask question to me. My wife said that my daughter asked if the kid was her boyfriend and I guess my wife told her what she wanted to know.
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Yes she works. She is actually successful and a boss of over 200 employees. Extremely attractive. I haven't called her a ***** or nothing of the sort. Way she sees it is she found someone who treats her and loves her how she wants to be. Mind you I have no clue what 21 yr old kid can pull that off. He's a scrub too. Her master quote of him " he treats my heart like a antidote for cancer ". I would laugh but it's disturbing.
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she's fishing, and trying to throw you off. If you were unfaithful, she has an excuse; if not you'll be confused. Probably wasn't even a deliberate - just a random throw out there comment - you got off lightly some men get reported as pedophiles or violent abusers under the same basis.
Main thing you got to deal with is that it is totally over. 500BC OVER.
This is your new reality and it's up to you to move forwards.
She's got a young "hip"/fashionable thing, who is in on all the cool and new things; and she is the Older Wiser Respected person. She also no longer has to be the equal in the relationship, as she is now the Queen Bee/Mary Worth which is what so many women dream of being. As long as she has the young nubile servant running around taking care of her needs she doesn't have to be adult with you.
Move on with your life, you are at an awesome age, and if you have a current occupation, are the target for many desireable woman.
Concentrate of keeping kids on track, and making happy in your own life. Forget the archaeology. (she wanted the two things you couldn't give her - her youth and a sense of superiority)
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Yeah I know it's over. Moving on and letting go of the 13 yrs she was great. Kind of like morning a death. I have to deal with it but it takes time regardless whos she become. My kids are always my #1 priority. She is a wonderful mother grant she does some immoral things because of her relationship
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Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder...I have a feeling she as shown many signs before, but she also showed enough good signs to convince you that she was a 'good wife and mother.'
If she was concerned about her kids, she wouldn't have shared what she did with her 8 yr old. She sounds sick, to be honest. Narcissists and sociopaths run companies...run countries...they do a lot of things, and 'appear' normal. But, she sounds sick, honestly...to think that she has found love with a 21 yr old ...and to mess up her kids' lives, and share such personal info with an 8 yr old...that sounds like a sick person to me.
Good luck with this situation.
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I agree with you. As far as what she shared with my daughter it was shady. It was last night and she was extremely defensive when I asked what was said. She said my daughter asked her about him because my family up here had talked about him around Thanksgiving time and it must of been something on her mind...yes. That's right. My daughter asked her because of something my family said about him 3-4 months ago. Which is obviously bull****. I'm assuming after my wife came clean to me it was a matter of time before she jammed the boy down my daughters throat. She already takes my 2 yr old son over his families place since the beginning. Nothing I can do to stop it.
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Yep. know that one. absolutely sucks. that she is "successful", especially if others think she is attractive - definitely you're unneeded, hence her getting a pet. she going to recreate her new life, watch for her to take control of the family and try to get you out of the picture. definitely "fountain of youth" (the young male, and the "secret girl pals" with the daughter* and queen bee game in play.
* the female equivalent of the "let's keep this our special secret", the emotive-social link vs the emotive-physical
* the female equivalent of the "let's keep this our special secret", the emotive-social link vs the emotive-physical
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Yeah. Seems to be the case. ****y way to end 13 yrs and our family. Specially horrible for our two kids
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She has stated she is really young still and not wasting life. I cages her for years and felt she missed out on her 20's. I didn't know that meant dating a 21 yr old and hanging out with his young friends. Just crazy to believe
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Yes, but believe it or not, it could be much worse. She could be trying to pull the wool over your eyes and succeeding if you didn't have anyone to help.
At least you know what to do and can get on with your life. If it weren't for your children, I'd say she did you a big favor; they're the ones who will suffer the most, but there's nothing you can do about that other than get as much custody as you can.
I believe there are states where the judge is supposed to take infidelity into account when deciding custody, but unfortunately that is generally used more against men than against women. Still, it is something to consider.
I assume you are going to talk to a lawyer before filing, so you know what to expect? That would be a very good idea even if it costs you a little money.
You might even be able to get alimony and/or child support, if she makes a lot more money than you do.
(And to anyone who says "but you were against alimony before", yes, I'm against it for the guilty party.)
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Wow, she is fcked up more than my soon to be ex wife! Sorry man, that's just cold what she did to you. You need to get yourself together, start working out, eating healthy, and start taking care of yourself. There are sooo many single and hot women out there to start over with, just like the dead dog said! I'm 34 and consider this the prime of my life! Way better than my 20's, as I make real money and I'm much wiser! And I have no desire to date a girl who 20 years something.... I want a hot ~30 y/o who is in the same stage of life as me and isn't immature!
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I appreciate everyones advice. I hate seeming like a victom considering I partied hard for months leading up to her leaving and I was verbally abusive at times. I know in my heart what she did and doing is despicable but I try my best to take accountability for my part. She claims it was my fault and I did all this. That it wasn't a affair and there was no cheating. But I know better and so does everyone we know. She had said herself had he not been around she would most likely tried to reconcile when I tried my ass off for the past 10 months.
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If your kids are your #1 priority, why did you move 2 hours away?
Have you ever considered taking full custody of your kids?
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