[Staying Strong]

I left my verbally and sometimes physically abusive husband a few months back, with us sharing time with our little boy. I have told my husband that I will be pursuing a divorce and have recently met with a lawyer.

Hubby has recently started counseling to focus on his anger issues as a last-ditch effort to win me back. He has been to two sessions. He had also recently been prescribed anti-depressants by his physician.

Anyway, here's the deal: this counselor has told him that there is "no way" a woman just leaves a marriage without working on it, and that there must be another man involved.

This has made my life even worse, dealing with this man. He has now shifted all the blame on me, thinking there has been this affair (there hasn't) and has this vendetta wanting to make my life a "living hell" and threatening to hurt this "other man."

Keep in mind my husband did share the fact that he has been verbally and physically abusive towards me with this counselor. What kind of counselor tells someone that their wife is obviously cheating b/c she wants out without working on it, especially after it was revealed there was abuse in the marriage? I was thrown down the stairs in front of my son (among other things), prevented from leaving my house multiple times, and I was called names and criticized almost every day of the last 9 years. THAT is why I left the marriage; I told my husband for the last year he'd better change or I would leave. I suggested counseling and he refused.

I am thinking about writing this counseling center a letter telling them to quit putting stupid ideas in my husband's head as it's making things worse for me. Is this a good idea?

And since when is it wrong to leave an abuser? Grrr.

 

[DayDream]

I left my verbally and sometimes physically abusive husband a few months back, with us sharing time with our little boy. I have told my husband that I will be pursuing a divorce and have recently met with a lawyer.

Hubby has recently started counseling to focus on his anger issues as a last-ditch effort to win me back. He has been to two sessions. He had also recently been prescribed anti-depressants by his physician.

Anyway, here's the deal: this counselor has told him that there is "no way" a woman just leaves a marriage without working on it, and that there must be another man involved.

This has made my life even worse, dealing with this man. He has now shifted all the blame on me, thinking there has been this affair (there hasn't) and has this vendetta wanting to make my life a "living hell" and threatening to hurt this "other man."

Keep in mind my husband did share the fact that he has been verbally and physically abusive towards me with this counselor. What kind of counselor tells someone that their wife is obviously cheating b/c she wants out without working on it, especially after it was revealed there was abuse in the marriage? I was thrown down the stairs in front of my son (among other things), prevented from leaving my house multiple times, and I was called names and criticized almost every day of the last 9 years. THAT is why I left the marriage; I told my husband for the last year he'd better change or I would leave. I suggested counseling and he refused.

I am thinking about writing this counseling center a letter telling them to quit putting stupid ideas in my husband's head as it's making things worse for me. Is this a good idea?

And since when is it wrong to leave an abuser? Grrr.

A bad one. :scratchhead:

 

[sweaty teddy]

stay the course and never go back.

buy a gun to protect yourself incase he comes after you. practice with it and know gun safety.

call the counclier and threaten to sue! if your abusive husband starts stalking you. this sounds like a dangerous situation.

do you have any evidence that your husband abused you?

 

[Staying Strong]

I do have evidence. I have recordings of him screaming at me, calling me names and hitting me.

Hubby has threatened me by saying he will drive by my place every day, multiple times and do whatever he can to make sure I am "stripped of any happiness." I am staying with my parents now but thinking of getting an apartment. My dad does not want me out on my own, and wants me to stay with them for a while.

I was not the easiest person to live with, I know that, but I did not and do not deserve that kind of life, and neither does my child.

 

[Cdelta02]

Get a restraining order first.

Then call up the counselor and tell him what is happening. Ask him what he intends to do to stop it. If he bullsh**s you, tell him your lawyer will get in touch. Follow up on it. Usually all it takes is a real letter from a lawyer. Will cost you a couple of C notes, but its worth it.

 

[Charmed37]

If you are sure your husband isn't making this up, contact your state medical board and file a complaint. You can also post bad reviews on the BBB, it may help someone else avoid this in the future. Talk to your lawyer and see if he/she can push the issue.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

I'd call the counselor and ask if that is true.
If it is, then you can file a report with the professional board that governs their services in your state/province.

It's absolutely not true that a women leaves a marriage only for someone else. Also, how would the counselor be able to assess whether a spouse had worked on a marriage, what extremes exactly does that entail 'working on marriage?'

 

[diwali123]

Please don't be naive. He is lying. Just expect everything he says to be a lie and your life will be easier.
Narcissist abusers are famous for not being able to believe a woman would leave them unless another man is involved. They think they are so awesome and you are so clueless only the influence of another man could make you leave.
Stay safe and protect yourself. Get a restraining order if you need it.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Hicks]

I would keep purusing divorce, go after full custody, protect yourself, stay with your parents. This new accusation is just more abuse.

 

[Cosmos]

He tells you that his counselor told him this, but did he/she really say that? I very much doubt it, OP... It's more likely a fishing expedition on his part.

When we leave an abuser it's important to have as little contact with them as possible (preferably none - but difficult when there are children involved). Once access details are arranged, get your attorney to make it clear that your H is only allowed to contact you regarding your child, and make sure he sticks to it. Preferably, arrange for him to have access to your child through a contact centre so that that you don't have to deal with him at all.

Document every single thing he says and does and, if necessary, get a restraining order and go for full custody.

 

[Pault]

IN the case of the coucillors alledged statement regarding the involvement of another person. Coucellors are required to be licenced to practice. If they ahve made this statement they would appear to be in breach of their code of practice. I find it incredible that they would make such an allegation without speaking to you in the first instance and finding out your side of the issue. There are privacy laws that will stop that councillor telling ypu what was discussed with your H so it would be difficult to challenge it. However a good lawyer would contact the association that councillor is licenced with and put this forward as after all it has actually caused another level of issues which add to the abuse.
I suspect as posted earlier this statement is a try on by you H to test the water and see if you slip up. Therefore the councillij ng seems not actually to be functional as he is now looking at other areas to use in the mental harrassement process. Hes certainly not ready for a reconcilliation anywhere in the near furture. Record what you can record, note all communications and what happens and keep it safe for evidence. Speak to a lawyer who has experience in abuse cases as this has to be handled carefully and with the right level of sensitivity.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

If you don't trust H when you exchange custody of your child, then do what my STBXH & his ex-wife did: exchange custody INSIDE a police station. You will feel safe; he will be unable to attack you verbally or physically.

Talk to your attorney about setting up this option, then IGNORE and REFUSE TO RESPOND to anything your STBXH says to you that is NOT related to your child's welfare.

 

[DrDavidCOlsen]

Too often individual therapists come to conclusions based simply on what their clients report to them. One possibility that I often encourage is to have one conjoint session for the express purpose of helping his therapist know that you are done, and why you are done.
This must be carefully set up so there are no expectations that this is marital therapy, nor is it encouraging hope. It is simply to bring some clarity to the situation.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LCSW

 

[SpinDaddy]

Too often individual therapists come to conclusions based simply on what their clients report to them. One possibility that I often encourage is to have one conjoint session for the express purpose of helping his therapist know that you are done, and why you are done.
This must be carefully set up so there are no expectations that this is marital therapy, nor is it encouraging hope. It is simply to bring some clarity to the situation.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LCSW

Dr. D. is on point. 1:1 is most definitely in call for. Given the fact pattern and not knowing what you’re dealing with, I’d initially recommend avoiding a “joint session” lest you be thrown into a hostile environment. The very real possibility which I see, assuming arguendo the counselor is a stand-up individual, is that client’s have a way of selectively interpreting the professional counsel and advice they receive.

 

[Married in VA]

Staying Strong,
Recommend you do the following:

1. Go to your local Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court and apply for a domestic violence restraining order. Since the abuse occured in front of your son, you can request he have no access to your child for the time being. Also request any spousal and child support you need via the restraining order as well.

2. Apply for a conceal carry permit and purchase a gun. Take a gun safety course and begin shooting at your local gun range.

3. Once proficient, make sure your STBXH understands that you own a gun and know how to use it and will KILL him to defend yourself or your son. Consider martial arts classes as well if you are into that sort of thing.

4. File for divorce and request sole physical and legal custody of your son. Using your DV evidence, you will have no problem obtaining this. You should also get spousal support if you need it and child support for sure.

5. Get counseling for you and your son. You have both been through a traumatic event.

As for the counselor part, I highly doubt his therapist told him this. This is BS to try to justify continued contact/abuse, IMHO.

 

[Staying Strong]

Thank you, everyone. In the week since I last posted, my husband admitted that the counselor asked if there was another man involved, as she has seen this happen a lot when spouses "just leave." Well, I didn't "just leave." I told him months and months ago where I was, and at that time, he refused help. Too little, too late.

So, I believe he was stretching the truth to try to lead me into admitting something. I really don't think my husband can stand the fact that he's the reason I left. He feels he is so wonderful, why would I leave him?

I have thought about attending a session with him, but I don't want to provide him false hope. He still continues to manipulate me every day, or at least tries to. I am getting stronger and stronger by the minute.

Hopefully, he continues the therapy. He has now been to three sessions, but I have seen little to no improvement.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Thank you, everyone. In the week since I last posted, my husband admitted that the counselor asked if there was another man involved, as she has seen this happen a lot when spouses "just leave." Well, I didn't "just leave." I told him months and months ago where I was, and at that time, he refused help. Too little, too late.

So, I believe he was stretching the truth to try to lead me into admitting something. I really don't think my husband can stand the fact that he's the reason I left. He feels he is so wonderful, why would I leave him?

I have thought about attending a session with him, but I don't want to provide him false hope. He still continues to manipulate me every day, or at least tries to. I am getting stronger and stronger by the minute.

Hopefully, he continues the therapy. He has now been to three sessions, but I have seen little to no improvement.

I wouldn't go WITH him, but I would tell him you would like to speak to his counselor on the premise that maybe you helping to explain the situation will help the counselor help him. See how he reacts. If he is lying, he'll avoid you going there. If he agrees, go and tell your side of the story and see if the counselor actually said that.