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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi there,

New member, needing advice on future-in-laws. (Warning LONG)

My SO (let's call him C) and I have been together 2years, today (it's our 2nd anniversary:smthumbup:), and I have been thinking about the issues with my future-in-laws, because we have been seriously discussing marriage. He is 30 and I'm 25, so up until now marriage has made me very nervous, add issues with future-in-laws, and past resentment about C ( not standing up for me up until recently.

Let me first say, I'm very happy C has begun standing up for me and putting up boundaries with his family, because not to long ago I was considering leaving C because his family (particularly his mother) was so overbearing, and well...manipulative.

So C and I began dating and things progressed quickly, and I fell pregnant only a month into our relationship, and I was a wreck being that I was working full time, working night life, and finishing up school. We we're being careless... We decided that both of us needed to really get to know one another before making a life changing decision such as bringing a child into the world, we both decided abortion would be the best choice for both of us. C and I are sort of into leading the child-free by choice lifestyle, but it still left me hurt and vulnerable.

I decided to confide in C's mother, because I felt we we're very close (I lived with C and his mother for about a month until his bid on our current home went through). I told her why I had been so quite lately, she was curious. I told her how much I loved C (already), and we shared a bonding moment through the hurt I was expressing.

Everytime C's mother would invite us to family events often (4 events minimum a month, plus we we're at her home 3 days a week minimum just to hang out with her), she would ask when we we're going to have kids, and when we we're going to get married (keep in mind we are living in our own home during this time, and this is over the course of 6months)(We only live about 2 mins from her as well). Every single time she asked about kids, I felt so...hurt and ambushed because I had obviously confided in C's mother about the abortion. I was still very vulnerable about the topic, and wasn't sure why she had to keep asking about kids. I never expressed my hurt or was rude/disrespectful during this time. I just tried to change subjects. She already had 2 grand kids so I wasn't sure why she kept asking, being our that our relationship was still blooming.

I felt like there was so much pressure on me from her about marriage and children, she would ask every single time we saw her. So since she hosted so many events, and wanted C and I over almost all the time I finally told C I needed space from his family because it was stressing me out, and almost making me second guess our decision.

C allowed his mother to guilt trip him about these events, so in turn he would guilt trip me...which made things much harder. I just wanted to be able to keep myself emotionally afloat which is why I was asking for space from his family, I never told him he couldn't go. He just didn't understand what his mother was doing wrong, and I was tired of trying to explain to him that her asking me about marriage and babies, was well...making me crazy.

Not only did she want us over for events,but she would call C to have him come over to her home (2mins away)(She is by no means febble) to do ridiculous tasks that C's mother's b/f could have done for her. Example "C can you come over and pick up this dead gopher for me", it was stupid little tasks all the time like that, she was capable of doing but for some reason need C to do, even though C's sister and her husband would constantly be asking C's mother for things (money, items, babysitting while visiting), could not assist her, they also live in the same town, only 15mins from her, but they tend to be selfish and self-serving because they know C will buckle and do it, and they use grand kids as a means of manipulation. She would call both of our phones,if C didn't answer his...not once, not twice but 5-6 times on each phone.

It was constant the calls, and the tasks. I became fed up, because what I saw C's mother doing was just finding reasons to get his attention. Remember we are still attending a ton of events because I buckled under the pressure he was putting on me from his mother. I finally said no more, you can go, but you will not cause my emotionally well being to suffer so I'm staying home.

C's mother likes to act like she is the victim in situations by using tears, and guilt to get her way, she also likes to be passive agressive. She even decided at a family event to put me on the spot because I always call C my little ginger, his family is red heads, and I never said it out of anything but love to C, C and I have a funny way of joking. C's sister is a red head and so is her daughter so she looked livid with me and made a remark how she and her daughter are red heads, almost like she was saying if I had a problem with that...ugh. Another time C's mother and two of her friends (one visiting from out of town who seemed to be very judgy toward me because I'm sure things C's mother had said about me). came to our home unannounced and drunk making passive aggressive comments about my decorating of my bathrooom.... all the while I'm ignoring their behavior, and the fact that they are drinking and driving. On another occasion C's mother was out at our a new years party, and called us at almost 10pm to let her dog out (which used to be C's dog) he said no because it was short notice, and we had a couple of drinks and did not want to risk driving, and yes we could have walked but walking distance is15mins, driving distance is 2mins). I of course later on find out C's mother's friend texted C about how she is disappointed in his behaviour and how that dog was C's responsibility even though C's mother took ownership of dog. She also commented on how this is so out of C's behavior, and basically made it seem like I was making C say no...err!!! Another time C's mother and himself went to lunch to try to talk about behavior, how he loved me and wanted to marry me one day to which his mother made the whole situation about herself again. She had the nerve to say she felt like she was loosing him to me.. C's mother has also taken advantage of me, when the alternator went out on my car, she told me she had a mechanic friend who could fix it for 400dollars, so I gave her 400 dollars of my hard earned money later to find out the alternator would have costed me 40bucks tops, and 100 altogether with instillation.She in essence stole from me...and I'm sure she did it on purpose. I was dumb and trusted her.

I remember we we're bickering about his nephew's bday party(C's mother is hosting event at her home...again) and I told him I would not be attending, and that his mother needs to stop guilt tripping him about our attendance. I told him I did not want to be asked at a 2 year olds birthday party in front of family and their friends when I was going to have children, because I knew full well that is exactly what was going to happen. He finally left for the event, and when he returned home he told me his mother had put him on the spot in front of everyone "So does this make you change your mind about ever having a little one". I knew it!!I had to do the I told you so moment.

Things progressed from there, I kept telling him he needed to put a healthy boundaries between his family and us. Things like marriage and children should be off limit topics, but he kept allowing his mother to invade my space. At the time he was very much in support of his mother, and that there was no wrong doing.

No one on my side, family friends was pressuring me about children and marriage, so I didn't understand why his mother was. Granted his is the only son, but god it was hard to deal with...

So his mother would continue her calls, to my cell and his 5-6 or more if she couldn't get a hold of him or myself...she would get very loud and guilt trip him (overheard her on the phone doing this, he looked like a rat backed into a corner as he tried to get words in like "I'm an adult" muffled by guilting him. I started seeing that she liked to be in control, like the matriarch of the family.

Fast foward...Once when thanksgiving hit, the power went out on her block and we went to pick up the turkey and sides to cook at our home. We hadn't planned on doing any cooking that day and C's mother decided it would be wise to send C's sister, and brother in law over to cook their things at our house as well, even though 1. No one asked if that was ok with either of us, and 2. they had a perfectly working and functioning kitchen downtown (15mins away). But because C's sister and brother in law love pawning the grandkids off on his Mother, because she lives for those children they come over to our home so they can "get away". Even though we are busting our asses to get everything read for the 15guests coming to C's mother's house for Thanksgiving!! When I say get away, they want to come over to drink and such while we are busting our asses in that hot, tiny kitchen!! I also had my little sister over, because C, her and I had planned to spend time together before going over to the event. Brother in law was useless and refused to help with preparation of foods, so C, his sister and I are trying to cook in our tiny kitchen, as C and my little sister take each dish over to his Mother's after its done all the while being RUSHED!! So we finally finish cooking and sending dishes over, C's sister and brother in law stay at his mother's, we told them I had to bake my last dish (which only took 20mins to do because I had prepped the night before). The mother kept calling us, as if we needed to hurry up after cooking her items, and C's sisters. I had a WTF moment, as we are rushing to get over to C's mother's home.

We all sit down to dinner, no power in candle light. This is the first time I have brought my ANYONE in my family around his family because his family is not as...well restrained as my own at family events.

C's grandmother asked me how my new job was going, and because we we're tired, stressed and hungry from cooking, and I did not like my new job I told her I didn't really like my job so maybe we could discuss it another time.So his aunt called me a ***** in front of everyone...I ignored her. I had cooked many a dinners for his aunt and she knew at the time I was a vegetarian, I tried some of the casserole she had made, even though it looked gross just to be polite. She snickers, and starts telling me how there is meat in there and do I like it, she was having a bawl because I ate it...Then she asked me infront of everyone if the reason I didn't eat meat was because I was Jewish...she knew I wasn't Jewish because we had many dinners together before and discussed the meat issue. I felt attacked, but kept my composure together, because C's whole family was in attendance. I nicely packed up my tupper ware, and a bit of food to go, and C, my sister and I left after a bit. I was ticked, and when my little sister went home I let C have it...I told him that his aunt's behavior was unacceptable especially in front of my sister! He still wanted to act like he had no idea about the things that we're said to me. I was getting sick of C not sticking up for me...

C's mother continued to get worse, when I texted his aunt a very short and sweet message telling her word for word "I did not understand your behavior towards me, and that is was unwarranted. You stay out of my way I will stay out of yours. No name calling, no immature crap. We we're at her home picking up something, and C's mother had gotten tipsy and decided to confront me saying C's aunt is family and she will always be here. I told her that was fine and I would spend holidays with my family. Since she was tipsy she kept repeating herself, and needed the liquid courage to confront me in such a manner. She kept saying how C's aunt said she was referring to honey boo boo child as being a *****, not me...even though his aunt was talking directly to me and there was no mention of honey boo boo anytime that night. I told her I did not appreciate being fed meat and than patronized, along with being put on the spot about me being "Jewish". C's mother told me I was too sensitive. Finally C breaks into the conversation and tells his mother that he heard everything and that she should know how his aunt is, because she has done similar things to other people. C's mother breaks into hysterics and starts crying telling us she has breast cancer (this woman got a mammogram and was awaiting results...it was a typical mammogram for woman her age..50+ but she had to cause drama so she could take herself out of the hotseat. I'm in disbelief that a woman her age is using the tactics of a 5 year old to get her way!!! I told C I would drive the truck home and come pick him up and that he should be there for his mom right now (so I can calmly leave the situation). C comforts his mom a bit, and we finally leave. I told C she was manipulating him, but he only half agreed with me... I think he wanted to believe the best in her... Her tactics get crazier she played phone tag with our phones one evening when we went out shopping for two hours this woman called both of our cell phones, which i told him not to answer because he would jump up for her calls during the most ridiculous moments, sex...talks..etc...If it was important she could leave a message, I was tired of her interference.

When C finally returns her call 2 hours later, she guilted him again about how she was having an asthma attack and needed her inhaler. The same inhaler she gave to C...WTF. I told him to get his own inhaler because this was ridiculous, and she would be dead if she had an asthma attack for two whole hours, and no she did not go to the hospital she just wanted attention. Every time he tried to space himself from her she got more desperate. Then she buys us a land line...because according to her why do we have phones if we aren't going to answer them. This was another intrusive tactic she was using, and I told him he needed to return the land line phones to her because this is not boundaries for a healthy adult relationship.

When he came home with hives he had caused from work, she had to call our house to make sure he was ok, and when he didn't answer (and she knew I was at work) she came by and unannounced, he tried implementing the boundaries telling her not to come by unannounced and she put on the water works they had some words and she went home all for lack of a better term butt-hurt.

C and I we're separated for a month and a half, and she told him it was a relief that I was gone. We couldn't be apart and got back together, thank goodness because I was miserable without him and he was miserable without me.

Now I'm back in the picture C has distanced himself from his family on his own accord this time, and C's sister wanted C to come over and put fill dirt from their yard into back of truck for hours on his only weekend in 2weeks...and C's mother called to ask him to do this...even though C's brother in law can do it...C has a bad knee and he will be needing surgery so C didn't want to do it and told his mother he and I had plans. C's sister called his cellphone several times, to which he ignored..we were doing our "thing"...if you know what I mean. C's sister proceeds to call the house not once or twice but like 5 times, and then leaves a nasty message saying "Hey C, its your sister ass**** pick up the phone". C explicitly told me not to pick up the phone. So C and I get all cleaned up and are getting ready for the day. C's sister actually shows up at our front doorstep pounding on the door. C opens the door to his sister yelling "What the f*ck you can't answer the door, I called you like 10 times". C tells her we we're busy, C's sister then says "Well she couldn't have answer the phone???", C says no we were busy, she then says "Don't bring that c*** around me again", referring to me. and starts to bring up something stupid that had led to our separation..C tells her to leave and she does. I was so hurt, and he was so embarrassed. C confronts his mother, because we are pretty sure she instigated this, and C's mother says she is sorry but C's sister is probably mad at me because of our separation...anyway, we have distanced ourselves completely and C's mother doesn't call our home phone at all pretty much anymore since she knows I am back. C told me he will no longer tolerate his families disrespect towards me, and he already lost me once and doesn't want to ever lose me again. We both agree we don't care what anyone else has to say or thinks and we love each other. My resentment toward him has turned into building trust everyday with each other, since he no longer will allow his family to inflict pain upon me. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, he is my best friend, and my biggest supporter. I want a long marriage with this man.

Thanks for sticking by for this long winded story, now my question is...How can we go about repairing things...I want to be the bigger person but have alot of bones to pick with C's mother because of her treatment of me. I refuse to allow her to bully me anymore, but want the holidays to be something we don't have to split every single year. What advice can you offer me, because granted I'm not marrying his family but the future-in-laws aren't going anywhere soon.:confused: Should I sit C's mother down, and his sister desperately? What can you offer me from experience with your own monster-in-laws.

Thank you in advance!
 

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Wow. That was quite a novel.

Well, first: how is the new defensive fiancee working out? Is he still allowing his family to treat you (and him!) poorly? I see he turned his rude sister away, which is awesome!

Second: I think that a frank discussion might not be out of the question. Sitting down with his mother and saying something like

"I love C and I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life loving him. I know we've had our differences in the past but I believe that we both love C and can agree that his happiness is a priority in our lives. I also believe that one of the things that made him the great man he is today is the love and care you gave him growing up, and I want to get to know you better. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot and I'd like to make a fresh start".

If she's still passive-aggressive and rude after that then I think you have your answer. You extend the olive branch first, though. That way you can say you did everything you could to try and be nice to these toxic people.

I would have this talk first with his mom. Personally, his sister called you a c*nt. That's not cool at all. I would have NOTHING to do with her. But, handle mom first; if you can get mom to like you, she can probably talk to her daughter and get her to listen and play nice a lot better than you or your fiancee can.

Also: is there any way you guys can move? Being that close to my in-laws would kill me and I like my in-laws!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi there:)

Thanks so much for the reply, it was sort of therapeutic to talk about it, since the issues with his family have been pretty much our whole relationship I guess I never got it out in one shot like that lol. Anyhoo

C and I are doing very good, he has been standing his ground with his family, or at least putting a boundaries between them and the two of us. It really ate away at me before we split up because he always seemed to side with his family even though I never (and very much wanted to) retaliate, but knew that is what they wanted, and I'm not going to give them the satisfaction.

I'm trying to formulate how the sit down is going to go (with his mother), I like your approach, do you think there is a way to include what she has done in the past to make our relationship strained without it coming off the wrong way, because this woman needs to be put in her place a bit IMHO. With respect and tact of course only because she is C's mother. Do you think it would be best if we went to her home, or invited her to ours? Should we have coffee or something? (I know this sounds simple, but situations with family always require a little more tact than the average off the street person). It really is a bummer because I wanted to be close to her, I wanted to be close to all of his immediate family but especially the C's mother. We used to eat dinner together and go out to breakfast (the 3 of us) until she got so overbearing. I would like to be able to have meals together again one day, but for my mental well being I cannot allow this sort of behavior to continue.

As far as moving is concerned, I'm 100% sure, even though C won't admit it that his mother had everything to do with where he purchased our now home, since we are so close to hers (2mins driving). I have spoken with him about moving in the past, and up until we got back together her never really seemed open to it. He seems open to it still, but he has a good job here (I know he could find better if we moved). He owns the home, so we would need to do a bit of renovating and plan before we sold. I hate living so close to her, when I walk my dog I'm extra vigilant about my whereabouts always hoping I won't run into her since we aren't speaking right now. I think in the next 5 years I can convince him to move, but that is a long time to be stuck so close to her.

Again thanks so much in advance for all of your advice and help it truly is appreciated. :) If anyone else wants to offer any words of wisdom/advice/ or similar situation I'm all ears.
 

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I think that unfortunately for this talk with his mom you might have to swallow your pride a tiny bit. You want retribution, which is completely understandable, but in this case is not healthy. It won't help the conversation any. I'd table the want for an apology for another conversation; if you two do manage to salvage your relationship I'll bet money that she will apologize to you of her own volition within the year and an unbidden apology feels about fifty times nicer than one you force out of someone.

I would really re-start the conversation about moving, if it's not going to be too much of a financial burden (which it sounds like it won't). Living close to family is one thing, but there may be such a thing as too close. I'm not saying leave the state, but next county over might not be a bad idea. (Are you in Tuolumne? I used to live in Calaveras; Stanislaus and Amador are both nearby too)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Agreed I will probably have to swallow my pride a bit more with this situation, in order to hopefully get the outcome of a better relationship with her. Financially we won't be able to move just yet, but I think restarting the conversation would be helpful. I had to look up Tuolumne, thank goodness we don't live even close to there with the fires in Yosemite:( We are on the gold coast area between SB and SLO county:) I think I will bring up the conversation to C when he returns home, I'd like him to be there so there is no he said she said (from mommy lol) so he is aware I'll be addressing her. Again thank you so much:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Update~
I have decided as of yesterday to abort this mission (as of right now), due to something my lovely future hubby told me.

His mother called him around 7:30pm on Saturday to ask him to do a small favor for her while she watched the grandkids. She decided being the passive aggressive she is that she would sneak in a jab while he did this favor for her. She said something to the effect of "Is ********(my name) ok with you being here?" to which he replied "****** doesn't tell me what do do, and now that you've said that I'm annoyed and I'm leaving". "Until you and the rest of the family can treat ******(my name) the same way you treat me we won't be coming around", and he left. I'm very glad he is speaking his mind and sticking up for respect for not only myself but him. He used to be afraid of upsetting her, I'm very happy he has been taking a stand. Why in the world does this women continue to ruffle feathers, does she really think that is going to make them close again? Bah anyway I'm abandoning the plan for right now until we see some progress being made on his families end, hopefully they don't pull anyway thing during the holidays.
 

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Wow. I too have monster in laws, but not quite as bad as yours, lol :)

You're a bigger person than I. If I had been treated that way, I wouldn't be allowing them in my house and I wouldn't be doing any one on one visits/dinners/anything. I'd do family functions (provided the rest of the family was civil) and that's it.

I've given up trying with my in-laws. They gave my husbands first wife hell, so I'm luckier than she was. I've tried everything - I'd invite them for tea, to their grandaughters school functions, I'd convince hubby that we should pop in to visit them (calling first of course)...but nothing I do is good enough.

I've told him they're his family, it's his job to manage them, and that includes remembering their birthdays, buying the presents etc.

My MIL is beyond nosy, she's intrusive - she'll look in our fridge and comment on the contents ffs! It drives me crazy. We didn't start off very well, after I found out that she'd been questioning my husband (then bf) about me, my finances, my family. She then tried to talk him out of my moving in when we decided to take our relationship to the next level. I can't stand her. If we never saw them again I wouldn't give a ****. Hubby's daughter (her own granddaughter)can't stand her either, lol.

Good luck with it all, and I'm so glad your man has your back on this. He's absolutely right YOU are his family now. YOU come first, not his mother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
frusdil sorry to hear about your MIL, when will these women get a clue!

I'm glad he has my back, because it was almost the end of our relationship because she had gotten so out of hand.

hehe, wouldn't it be so funny if there was a booby trap that threw some mushed food in her face the next time she opened your fridge:) hehehe!!!
 
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