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I have been married for 13 months now and today I felt like I did not know what could be done for my marriage. I think our problems started before we got married. My husband and I were introduced through family friends when we were in different states. We started chatting/talking on the phone and finally met up and got married later on.

One day, before we were married I received an email from a girl who said that she was living with my now husband and that they were in a relationship. She sent me about 15 emails telling me that I should leave him. When I asked him about it, he told me that he had been in a friends with benefit relationship with this girl and he was crashing at her place for 2 weeks because his lease ended and he had to wait for 2 weeks before he could move in to his new apartment. But he had told me nothing about her before I got that email. Apparently, they had slept together (1-2 times) while we were already together. When I asked him why he was two timing, he told me that he had needed some time to end it with her and was really sorry. At first he didn't know if he would get serious with me so he just kept sleeping with her. He told me that it was a pure physical relationship and the girl had exaggerated everything. I said I wanted to end everything but he begged me to stay and said that he would make it up to me and that he really loved me etc.

My trust and respect for him suffered, but I decided to stay because he sounded so sincere. Since then, we started having fights about every small thing. He had problems with the fact that I had dated several men before I met him. He made me stop contacts with an ex who was still a very good friend. I told him that I hated his double standards and he said he would change.

I have a dog and he asked me once what I would do if he was allergic to my dog, would I give him up (a hypothetical situation)? I said that my dog is like a kid to me so I would prolly see if he could take allergy medication, and he blew off. According to him, my answer should have been "I will get rid of my dog for you." There were several fights but we loved each other and stuck through it all. Well fast forward to the time when we were going to get married and our fights got worse. We started yelling at one another etc. We still got married and everything seemed better after the wedding... for a month.

And then the fights continued... We would fight about the smallest things, and he would bring in irrelevant topics. For example, he started saying that everyone around me thinks that I am a psycho. his proof: I fought with my cousins when we were kids! Or if a cousin jokingly said that I was a pain (one of my cousins said that once when we were reminiscing about the past), my husband took that as proof of how that cousin hates me too. And every time we fight, he just repeats it to me. I admit that I get mad at him easily, but I feel like he is always personally attacking me. He will say that I have a personality disorder. And then he will mention how he was wonderful with all his exes and how I bring out the bad side in him. He will then say that everyone who knows him loves him but everyone thinks I am a psyho!

And then I will get defensive and will start defending myself, or worse point out his shortcomings. Its like we just can't communicate at all. We will not fight for 2-3 weeks and everything seems good then all of a sudden the fight gets so bad that one of us will suggest getting a divorce (it has been him lately) but I think its just out of spite.

I dont know how to fix it! I am desperate but it seems like the smallest things I say or do can piss him off real bad. And if I get mad at something, then I have a personality disorder! We are sleeping in different rooms right now! What should I do so that we have a normal relationship? Please help!
 

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I'm also fed up with my husbands BS. He didn't bother to disclose his lack of financial responsibility prior to us getting married. Now that we are struggling it is everyone's fault but his own. It's my fault that I go to school fulltime and can only work PT, its his coworkers fault for stressing him out to the point he needs medication, its the hospitals fault for sending him medical bills, its the collection agency's fault for not following up with him to pay those medical bills, its the attorney's fault for putting a lien on his wages for the medical bills, its my fault for "backing him into a corner",its the hotels fault where he stayed before we met for not providing him a valid address to recieve his mail, its his works fault for not allowing him time off to see a doctor during the week, or get his DL renewed, and its certain NEVER his fault when he forgets important things!

His lack of responsibility, reliability, and trustworthiness caused me to walk out tonight. I was fine before him, i'll be fine after him. When he's threatened me with divorce or separation I say.. "dont let the door hit u in the ___ on the way out!" :)
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It's possible that he's just having a difficult time adjusting to being married and doesn't know how to communicate his problems.

I suspect, however, that his attention is still on the not so ex gf and he's taking his frustration out on you. In all honesty, I'd guess he's still involved with her, either emotionally or interactively. You should check that out. It's a very bad sign that he did not disclose that he was living with her prior to your marriage. Makes him dishonest. How long were you guys together and long-distance?

He's being controlling. He's subtly isolating you from your folks by making it seem that no one likes you while everyone likes him. He's making himself big by making you small. By saying you bring out the bad in him, he's blaming you for his bad behavior. These are red flags that you need to be careful with communication and boundaries. Read some books about emotional needs and love languages, try to talk to him about why he seems so unhappy (and ask him gently if his mind is still on his ex or something because he might be going through some withdrawal -- or worse, she could be secretly contacting him and he might be replying!), and do your level best to get yourselves into counseling.

No matter what his reasons for his behavior, it's not healthy for either of you. You guys need to figure out what the disconnect is between you and try to address it -- or, you need to call it quits.
 
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