Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 40 of 93 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,129 Posts
Yes, I actually work two jobs. One full time and one part time.

she works full time as well.

i think she makes the take things off my plate comment because I mentioned how I have been really stressed and overwhelmed lately as I’m starting to crack under the responsibility of everything.

i asked mainly because I didn’t understand how it could possibly be an issue or what could possibly elicit such a childish reaction.
I told you. Her highness sees these things as your job so any help from her is a favor.

If you're ready to crack stop doing so much. If her highness is unhappy she can do things herself or hire a housekeeper. You act like a doormat so you get treated like one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
295 Posts
Hey all,

Written here a few times about my marriage struggles over the past few months so I figured I’d come for more advice.

Recently my wife and I had a conversation in couples counseling about splitting of house hold duties as I was the one keeping the place clean, paying the bills, coordinating child care and taking care of our 15 month old son.

My wife agreed that I do the majority of the work and has recently tried to pitch in more which she frames as “taking things off my plate.” All good and helpful.

Past 2 nights she hasn’t been feeling well so she’s gone to bed early. Two nights ago I stayed up later watching TV put dinner away, washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and swept the kitchen. She told me it was appreciated and I said no problem I know you’re not feeling well so I figured this way you don’t have to worry about it.

last night however, I stayed up but didn’t do the dishes. So this morning I’m cooking breakfast for our son and feeding him in his high chair. She came down and sighed at the sink then started loading the dishwasher with an irritated look on her face.

when I asked her what was wrong she started to say that she is “a little annoyed that she woke up to a sink full of dishes and apparently can’t rely on me to do them” so she “has to do them before she goes to bed.”

i responded very confused as we just recently had a talk about her helping out more. I said not for nothing but I do the dishes all the time. “Not the past 2 weeks” she said “I’ve been doing them every night.”

i responded saying okay and I appreciate it. She said “well just like you told the therapist you need help around the house, I also need help around the house.”

i didn’t really know that to say so I said yeah…but even when I was doing it all I didn’t get angry and rude to you about it, I brought it to therapy to see if we could figure out a system to work better as a team.

i don’t think she really liked this as she left for work without really saying much.

however when she got to work she was fine and texting me that she arrived.

i feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster with this woman and it’s getting exhausting.

We don’t seem to make a good team when it comes to resolving conflicts or getting things done and she is only ever satisfied if I burn myself out doing it all.

also, she has been posting things to social media lately about giving your all to something if you really want it to work so that you don’t look back with any regrets that you didn’t do all you could do.”

It’s like she has some victim complex or desire to be seen as someone trying to save her marriage in case things really go south.
Are you a SAHD?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
887 Posts
i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him
That’s totally unacceptable for a wife to be doing and disrespectful to you. Your wife is obviously immature based on your original post. I would be concerned that she blames you for being unhappy and looks elsewhere (another guy) for happiness. Not saying it’s happening now, but I would be very aware of the possibility.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,530 Posts
Not sure if there’s “other men”

i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him.

I also posted another time when I saw a text conversation on her phone between her and a co worker friend that read “Dr.Epstein complemented the **** out of me this morning and now I’m damp.”
I remember these posts and didn't realize this was you. I'd be handing her divorce papers and telling her good luck with Dr Epstein.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Why should the overwhelming majority of women STILL be doing the lion's share of the child-raising and the domestic chores even when they're working full-time jobs?

It's amazing how it's just expected that women find the time and the energy to be all things to all people, but when a man has to do it, it's a national emergency and we all have to get our crying towels out.

OP - welcome to the world of most working women. Not all of them, but the majority. The stats prove that it's still women doing the bulk of the work - for very little gratitude.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
if you notice HE had stated that he had been doing dishes - he was also the one feeding the baby!
So what does SHE do while she is at home?
Does she carry half the load while she is home or does she expect you to do the household stuff too?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,077 Posts
Why should the overwhelming majority of women STILL be doing the lion's share of the child-raising and the domestic chores even when they're working full-time jobs?

It's amazing how it's just expected that women find the time and the energy to be all things to all people, but when a man has to do it, it's a national emergency and we all have to get our crying towels out.

OP - welcome to the world of most working women. Not all of them, but the majority. The stats prove that it's still women doing the bulk of the work - for very little gratitude.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
Is that a joke, or are you just generalizing your bitterness to a situation that seems to be exactly the opposite.
Did you actually pay any attention whatsoever to the other posts on this one before spinning off on an irrelevant, non-applicable feminist victim rant?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
i feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster with this woman and it’s getting exhausting.

We don’t seem to make a good team when it comes to resolving conflicts or getting things done and she is only ever satisfied if I burn myself out doing it all.
As we say in Al-Anon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." She's not making sincere, substantive changes. Everyone is still basically stuck in what sounds to me like a generally unhappy marriage.

also, she has been posting things to social media lately about giving your all to something if you really want it to work so that you don’t look back with any regrets that you didn’t do all you could do.”

It’s like she has some victim complex or desire to be seen as someone trying to save her marriage in case things really go south.
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but things have ALREADY gone south. Honestly, this marriage just sounds like a bad match. Maybe it can be salvaged, but I truly doubt it. With all her posturing and breast-beating about how she's "trying" to save the marriage .... well, I call b.s. on that. What you see is what you get. And, until you see it for what it actually is, you'll remain stuck and frustrated. Your life. Your choice.
 
  • Like
Reactions: LisaDiane

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,037 Posts
Hey all,

Written here a few times about my marriage struggles over the past few months so I figured I’d come for more advice.

Recently my wife and I had a conversation in couples counseling about splitting of house hold duties as I was the one keeping the place clean, paying the bills, coordinating child care and taking care of our 15 month old son.

My wife agreed that I do the majority of the work and has recently tried to pitch in more which she frames as “taking things off my plate.” All good and helpful.

Past 2 nights she hasn’t been feeling well so she’s gone to bed early. Two nights ago I stayed up later watching TV put dinner away, washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and swept the kitchen. She told me it was appreciated and I said no problem I know you’re not feeling well so I figured this way you don’t have to worry about it.

last night however, I stayed up but didn’t do the dishes. So this morning I’m cooking breakfast for our son and feeding him in his high chair. She came down and sighed at the sink then started loading the dishwasher with an irritated look on her face.

when I asked her what was wrong she started to say that she is “a little annoyed that she woke up to a sink full of dishes and apparently can’t rely on me to do them” so she “has to do them before she goes to bed.”

i responded very confused as we just recently had a talk about her helping out more. I said not for nothing but I do the dishes all the time. “Not the past 2 weeks” she said “I’ve been doing them every night.”

i responded saying okay and I appreciate it. She said “well just like you told the therapist you need help around the house, I also need help around the house.”

i didn’t really know that to say so I said yeah…but even when I was doing it all I didn’t get angry and rude to you about it, I brought it to therapy to see if we could figure out a system to work better as a team.

i don’t think she really liked this as she left for work without really saying much.

however when she got to work she was fine and texting me that she arrived.

i feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster with this woman and it’s getting exhausting.

We don’t seem to make a good team when it comes to resolving conflicts or getting things done and she is only ever satisfied if I burn myself out doing it all.

also, she has been posting things to social media lately about giving your all to something if you really want it to work so that you don’t look back with any regrets that you didn’t do all you could do.”

It’s like she has some victim complex or desire to be seen as someone trying to save her marriage in case things really go south.
Your problems with your wife are not over who does what chores.

In Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the three biggest problems that Nice Guys face are (1) being co-dependent and needing their wife's validation to feel good about themselves, (2) Covert contracts principally about chores, (3) lack of Getting a Life and being proud of their accomplishments.

I think you might be a Nice Guy and that is not a complement. Once upon a time I too was a Nice Guy, until I got my act together.

At your next marriage counseling session, ask your counselor about Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and ask if you seem to be co-dependent and needing your wife's validation? Ask if you battle about chores with your wife and your ending up doing almost all the chores is really a set of covert contracts with your wife, where you are hoping that if you just do X, she will rejoice and give you Y (Sexual desire, love, praise, affection) in return?

Good luck, and I would suggest you get a copy of Glover's book.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,077 Posts
Your problems with your wife are not over who does what chores.

In Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the three biggest problems that Nice Guys face are (1) being co-dependent and needing their wife's validation to feel good about themselves, (2) Covert contracts principally about chores, (3) lack of Getting a Life and being proud of their accomplishments.

I think you might be a Nice Guy and that is not a complement. Once upon a time I too was a Nice Guy, until I got my act together.

At your next marriage counseling session, ask your counselor about Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and ask if you seem to be co-dependent and needing your wife's validation? Ask if you battle about chores with your wife and your ending up doing almost all the chores is really a set of covert contracts with your wife, where you are hoping that if you just do X, she will rejoice and give you Y (Sexual desire, love, praise, affection) in return?

Good luck, and I would suggest you get a copy of Glover's book.
We’ve already established all this in his prior thread or the one before that.
Unfortunately it doesn’t appear that he is taking any real action or done anything significant to improve himself or take control of the situation. I believe he was already reading NMMNG, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually absorbed any of it..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,789 Posts
We’ve already established all this in his prior thread or the one before that.
Unfortunately it doesn’t appear that he is taking any real action or done anything significant to improve himself or take control of the situation. I believe he was already reading NMMNG, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually absorbed any of it..
That was my take. I scanned the post history and sure the wife is way out of line but OP seems like a whiny self-centered simp to me. Others have said I am wrong about that, but my opinion hasn't changed and this OP is more of the same.

OP grow a set and do something about it or learn to love it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
If what’s her best shot? Trying to help out more around the house and getting a job closer to home so she can bring the baby to my parents before work?
You say you're frustrated. You say you're exhausted. You say the two of you don't make a good team, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution.

So what do you wish to accomplish here? If you're just here to vent, that's fine. Vent away. But you complain about her behavior(s), then you seem to defend her when anyone points out she sounds like an entitled princess. Perhaps you can see why folks are a bit confused here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
162 Posts
Discussion Starter · #39 · (Edited)
You say you're frustrated. You say you're exhausted. You say the two of you don't make a good team, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution.

So what do you wish to accomplish here? If you're just here to vent, that's fine. Vent away. But you complain about her behavior(s), then you seem to defend her when anyone points out she sounds like an entitled princess. Perhaps you can see why folks are a bit confused here.
Yeah I can understand that. I guess it’s because I’m conflicted in a lot of ways.

struggling alone for so long combined with the stuff about her ex and the doctor at work really caused me to withdraw emotionally and form resentment that has made it hard to be close to her or enjoy being with her.

i brought a lot of my concerns to her attention since then and she talks a good talk but I’m just worried I’m the one screwing it up because I’m so closed off I’m not allowing us to succeed because I’ve already filled my mind with resentment and have no room for love.

she often says that she is trying to just be happy together again and be in love like we used to but I’m not letting her in and how she won’t keep begging forever if I don’t want her.

then I worry about giving up a marriage and breaking up my young family only to find out I made a mistake. That maybe we could have recovered.

It sucks too because my friends and family love her and her family adores me so it will be hard on multiple levels.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
It's okay to be conflicted. At this point, all you can do is work on finding ways to alleviate the resentment. I don't think you're necessarily "screwing it up." Granted, we're only getting your side of this, but it sounds like you are really doubting her sincerity when it comes to her efforts to improve and change.

This may be salvageable. Then, again, it may not. I don't think it's constructive to indulge in what-if scenarios. What if you end the marriage and you realize somewhere down the line that was the wrong decision? What if you decide to end the marriage and it ends up being the best decision? What if a meteor comes screaming out of the sky and obliterates you? I mean, c'mon. What if thinking can drive you nuts. How about focusing on what IS? At least it worked for me when I needed to decide whether or not to leave my marriage. Doesn't mean every choice I made along the way was perfect, but we don't live in a perfect world.
 
21 - 40 of 93 Posts
Top