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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey all,

Written here a few times about my marriage struggles over the past few months so I figured I’d come for more advice.

Recently my wife and I had a conversation in couples counseling about splitting of house hold duties as I was the one keeping the place clean, paying the bills, coordinating child care and taking care of our 15 month old son.

My wife agreed that I do the majority of the work and has recently tried to pitch in more which she frames as “taking things off my plate.” All good and helpful.

Past 2 nights she hasn’t been feeling well so she’s gone to bed early. Two nights ago I stayed up later watching TV put dinner away, washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and swept the kitchen. She told me it was appreciated and I said no problem I know you’re not feeling well so I figured this way you don’t have to worry about it.

last night however, I stayed up but didn’t do the dishes. So this morning I’m cooking breakfast for our son and feeding him in his high chair. She came down and sighed at the sink then started loading the dishwasher with an irritated look on her face.

when I asked her what was wrong she started to say that she is “a little annoyed that she woke up to a sink full of dishes and apparently can’t rely on me to do them” so she “has to do them before she goes to bed.”

i responded very confused as we just recently had a talk about her helping out more. I said not for nothing but I do the dishes all the time. “Not the past 2 weeks” she said “I’ve been doing them every night.”

i responded saying okay and I appreciate it. She said “well just like you told the therapist you need help around the house, I also need help around the house.”

i didn’t really know that to say so I said yeah…but even when I was doing it all I didn’t get angry and rude to you about it, I brought it to therapy to see if we could figure out a system to work better as a team.

i don’t think she really liked this as she left for work without really saying much.

however when she got to work she was fine and texting me that she arrived.

i feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster with this woman and it’s getting exhausting.

We don’t seem to make a good team when it comes to resolving conflicts or getting things done and she is only ever satisfied if I burn myself out doing it all.

also, she has been posting things to social media lately about giving your all to something if you really want it to work so that you don’t look back with any regrets that you didn’t do all you could do.”

It’s like she has some victim complex or desire to be seen as someone trying to save her marriage in case things really go south.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm not surprised at this, are you?

She's not going to change.
Ive really been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt lately as she has been helping more and even took a new job which she was excited to tell me will help me out because she can bring the baby to my parents in the morning so I don’t have to run around.

just these constant issues are wearing on me.
 

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Your wife is ungrateful and treats you like a slave. I'm curious, if you were sick for a few weeks and unable to get out of bed, would she look after you, the baby and the house? You do nearly all of that on your own and work too. Just curious if she would lose her temper, get mad if she had to take care of things for a while.

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Ive really been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt lately as she has been helping more and even took a new job which she was excited to tell me will help me out because she can bring the baby to my parents in the morning so I don’t have to run around.

just these constant issues are wearing on me.
She's got to go.
 

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A lot of things bug you that she does or doesn't do.

Stop trying to change her.
Accept her or leave.

My wife wouldn't sweep the floor to save her life and it pissed me off every time and I would do it. We fought about it over and over.

Finally, I decided for $100 month I could remove all that conflict by hiring a cleaning service.

$100 month to save my marriage over something petty that I was irritated with and so was she.

Money well spent and I learned a lesson.

Stop trying to force her to change.
Live with it or don't. Or find another solution.
 

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This is who she is. She’s recently shown you a little bit of temporary change — only because she wants to stay married — but I seriously doubt that she’s capable of permanent change. You’ll have to decide if you can live with that.
 

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What makes you say this in response to her taking on a new job and removing the driving our Son to my parents every morning? That’s one thing I feel like she’s actually being helpful with.
If she's causing so much grief over so long a time, what's your happiness worth to you?

Married life isn't solely made up of accomplishing tasks. But having a relationship with your spouse that one enjoys to have. Good friends. Good and frequent sex. A spouse one is happy to wake up with.
 

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So I assume you're still working?

If you are this relationship is unbalanced. "Taking things off your plate" implies that housework and kid care are YOUR job and she's doing you a big fat favor to pitch in.

Now let's address the sighing. Sighing is a contemptuous act, so don't respond by playing dumb and asking what's wrong as if you don't know. Tell her that she can sigh somewhere else as you're busy taking care of things while she lays in bed. If dishes don't get done on her majesty's schedule then her majesty can do them herself.

Stop being a doormat. I'm not seeing what she brings to this relationship. Let her other men wait on her and listen to her sigh when dishes don't get done. Time to start standing up for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
So I assume you're still working?

If you are this relationship is unbalanced. "Taking things off your plate" implies that housework and kid care are YOUR job and she's doing you a big fat favor to pitch in.

Now let's address the sighing. Sighing is a contemptuous act, so don't respond by playing dumb and asking what's wrong as if you don't know. Tell her that she can sigh somewhere else as you're busy taking care of things while she lays in bed. If dishes don't get done on her majesty's schedule then her majesty can do them herself.

Stop being a doormat. I'm not seeing what she brings to this relationship. Let her other men wait on her and listen to her sigh when dishes don't get done. Time to start standing up for yourself.
Yes, I actually work two jobs. One full time and one part time.

she works full time as well.

i think she makes the take things off my plate comment because I mentioned how I have been really stressed and overwhelmed lately as I’m starting to crack under the responsibility of everything.

i asked mainly because I didn’t understand how it could possibly be an issue or what could possibly elicit such a childish reaction.
 

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Yes, I actually work two jobs. One full time and one part time.

she works full time as well.

i think she makes the take things off my plate comment because I mentioned how I have been really stressed and overwhelmed lately as I’m starting to crack under the responsibility of everything.

i asked mainly because I didn’t understand how it could possibly be an issue or what could possibly elicit such a childish reaction.
So are you happy or unhappy? Tbh you're getting wishy-washy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
What? I guess the history I read didn't have that. But admittedly it's hard to read.

So yea if there's other men in the picture then OP you're fixing the wrong things.

Get out now.
Not sure if there’s “other men”

i had written a post at one point about finding out that she continues to follow and like all pics of the guy she dated before me on social media. Occasionally commenting on his posts and liking things like shirtless pictures of him.

I also posted another time when I saw a text conversation on her phone between her and a co worker friend that read “Dr.Epstein complemented the **** out of me this morning and now I’m damp.”
 

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The answer to her would be, yes, do the dishes before you go to bed. That’s what adults do — even those who aren’t feeling great. You take care of your responsibilities as you should. She sees all of this as “helping” you and not as something she should have been doing all along.
 
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