[re16]

My frustration level has reached new heights and I need a third party perspective to let me know if I am off base or on point.

My wife has next to no sex drive. Today, she actually categorized having sex with me as "another Chore like working on the house, you don't want to do it, but then you do and it is allright".

For years I have been trying anything to get some intimacy and affection from her. If I touch her, even just a hand on the leg for affection while watching TV, she will make some sort of excuse, like I'm tired or just get up and walk away to avoid physical contact. She will say I am tired at 7:30 PM then proceed to watch TV, read, go on facebook etc for hours (obviously not tired). It feels like reading her book or watching some ridiculously unimportant TV show is more important than her husband.

We had a period of sex once in six months which drove me to unbelievable daily frutration. After making a commitment to have scheduled sex (last stitch efforts on my part) she did it once, then never said anything about the schedule and completely ignored me for months.

Some background, she is very attractive, and I am extremely attracted to her. I am fit and in shape, good looking and we are both 33 years old.

I've tried everything to get her to pay attention to me... doing absolutlely everything that could be done around the house for months (trying to take the work load off her), showering her with hugs and I love you's, giving her space, you name it, I've tried it.

I really do love her and everytime we discuss the issue, she makes it out that I am in the wrong for wanting intimacy. She says that all her friends only have sex once a month at best. She is totally have fine with having sex once every couple of month (six times per year).

Prior to our marriage, sex was great at first, after a few years of dating, our sex life suddenly turned south and I became suspicious. After months of asking what was wrong and not getting an answer, I found many totally inappropriate emails with a co-worker of hers. She claims nothing happened and "it was just email / chat fun". I have never believed her and always associate her lack of intimacy with her not being faithful in my mind (although I don't say anything to her about it these days because it happened long ago). It may sound dumb, but this really bothers me to this day, mostly because I feel she never totally came clean. I completely relieve the pain of this repeatedly and came seem to let this go.

I really want our marriage to work and love my wife, but am totally hurt by the constant rejection. Her telling me that intimacy with her is like a household chore confirms my suspicions that she wants nothing to do with it. She will always say she wants to do something about it when we discuss it, but then does nothing at all.

When we do have sex, it is usually like she is "letting me do it" to try to appease me and this actually doesn't satisfy what is missing for me at all.

I am starting to feel like life is too short to live like this day in and day out. My hopes of this issue getting better have basically completely left me.

Am I wrong to want intimacy with my wife? I am a good guy, great provider, attractive and this is not how I envisioned my married life at all. Am I just an idiot for being treated like this? What do I do?

Advice?

 

[pjp]

hi there re16, i am in a marraige that is almost sexless, there are a lot of similarities between yours and my story, unfortunately i am on this forum for advice also, my wife and i have sex about once a month and even then its a chore for her, which means there is no fun in it what so ever, i love my wife dearly but all i am is a provider, she also refuses to go to any counselling which means i am at breaking point, i would love to give you some life changing advice but i dont really know what to do myself, i will say that i wish you all the luck in the world though.

 

[Henri]

Hi Re16
I think if you don't have reason to think she is having an affair to put that completely out of your mind (you mentioned something along those lines above).

I look forward to answers to this, as it seems like it has something to do with women, as the relationship progresses?

Perhaps there needs to be an emotional spark of excitement or living dangerously or unpredictably, that some women here can relate to as being a spark for sex? There was something unfamiliar or exciting at the start it seems for most of us.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

T2 Method (summary of THE PLAN)....

BTW...YOU made sex a chore for her. Main reason is you were WEAK. You were not the LEADER of your household. You allowed your wife to call the shots...STOP IT!

1. Really deeply look in the mirror. "Would you have sex with you?"
2. Fix yourself/BE CONSISTENT
3. Become an expert on Women's needs.
4. Analyze what needs to happen in your marriage.
5. Correct all marital flaws you can without your partner/Stand up to spouse anytime she disrespects you. (Should only take a few times)
6. State your needs as long as they are reasonable. REPEATEDLY. DO NOT WAIVER.
7. Hold your spouse accountable for inaction in meeting those needs. (Threaten security)
8. Enjoy results.

BE PATIENT and remain STRONG, maintain SANITY. Fix yourself THEN fix them.... FIX your marriage.

It will get worse before it gets better. NO QUICK FIX each step takes TIME.

FULL DETAILS after consistent results in mine. This does work (as long as love is there) just takes time.
Have a PLAN. Men can only survive this having a PLAN.

Your welcome.

 

[unbelievable]

If I read your post correctly, she turned off the sex faucet before you got married but you married her anyway. Maybe she just doesn't like sex. Maybe she just doesn't like it with you. I think most of us can agree that serially withholding sex from one's spouse is cruel and a practice unlikely to promote a healthy marriage. When she treats you badly, you reward her by showering her with affection and working like a slave to win her approval. You wouldn't train a kid, a dog, or an employee that way. Bad performance should result in bad results and good performance should result in positive results. She gets something from this marriage. More than likely, it's security. Identify what's important about the marriage to her and make sure she understands that withholding sex puts that thing at serious risk. Quit moping after her for sex. Appear happy and confident but find something else to do with your time than hanging around a house with a woman who pushes you away. It wouldn't hurt if you occupied your time somewhere where there is an abundance of quality, attractive women (threats to her security).

 

[PHTlump]

My wife has next to no sex drive. Today, she actually categorized having sex with me as "another Chore like working on the house, you don't want to do it, but then you do and it is allright".

That's because she's not attracted to you. Sorry to be blunt.

For years I have been trying anything to get some intimacy and affection from her. If I touch her, even just a hand on the leg for affection while watching TV, she will make some sort of excuse, like I'm tired or just get up and walk away to avoid physical contact. She will say I am tired at 7:30 PM then proceed to watch TV, read, go on facebook etc for hours (obviously not tired). It feels like reading her book or watching some ridiculously unimportant TV show is more important than her husband.

That's because it is. She is too polite to tell you bluntly that she doesn't want any contact with you. So, she makes stupid excuses and you pretend to believe them. That way, you don't have to have an argument about why you're only roommates.

We had a period of sex once in six months which drove me to unbelievable daily frutration. After making a commitment to have scheduled sex (last stitch efforts on my part) she did it once, then never said anything about the schedule and completely ignored me for months.

Totally typical. Wives who aren't attracted to their husbands can go for years in this cycle. Sex slows to a trickle. Husband finally has the "sex or else" talk. She promises to do better. She has sex a few times. Then, sex slows back to a trickle. Repeat.

Some background, she is very attractive, and I am extremely attracted to her. I am fit and in shape, good looking and we are both 33 years old.

Is she more attractive than you? On a sex rank scale, is she an 8 and you're a 6? If so, that's a problem.

I've tried everything to get her to pay attention to me... doing absolutlely everything that could be done around the house for months (trying to take the work load off her), showering her with hugs and I love you's, giving her space, you name it, I've tried it.

You've been trying all the wrong things. Women aren't attracted to butlers. So why are you trying to be her butler?

I really do love her and everytime we discuss the issue, she makes it out that I am in the wrong for wanting intimacy. She says that all her friends only have sex once a month at best. She is totally have fine with having sex once every couple of month (six times per year).

A marriage where sex occurs less than 10 times per year is clinically defined as nonsexual, or sexless. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, for married couples in their 30s, 5% haven't had sex in the past year. 16% have sex a few times a year to monthly. 47% have sex a few times a month to weekly. 27% have sex 2-3 times per week. And, 6% have sex 4 or more times per week. So, maybe her friends all fall into the 20% of marriages that are monthly or less. But, she's probably just lying to you because her girlfriends are in the 80% that have sex more than once a month.

Prior to our marriage, sex was great at first, after a few years of dating, our sex life suddenly turned south and I became suspicious. After months of asking what was wrong and not getting an answer, I found many totally inappropriate emails with a co-worker of hers. She claims nothing happened and "it was just email / chat fun". I have never believed her and always associate her lack of intimacy with her not being faithful in my mind (although I don't say anything to her about it these days because it happened long ago). It may sound dumb, but this really bothers me to this day, mostly because I feel she never totally came clean. I completely relieve the pain of this repeatedly and came seem to let this go.

Yep. Sudden sexual decline is a big red flag for infidelity. She cheated on you. But I'm not surprised she lied about it. Why wouldn't she? Cheating is lying on its face. You had the evidence and you let her explain it away and sweep it under the rug. Bad move. What you actually need to do today is to investigate her to see if she's still cheating, or cheating again. And you don't investigate her by asking her. Put keylogger software on her computer so you can read her email and Facebook messages. Put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car so you can listen to her conversations when she thinks she has privacy. Look at your credit card statements for suspicious activity. Once you rule out another man, you can try to attract her.

I am starting to feel like life is too short to live like this day in and day out. My hopes of this issue getting better have basically completely left me.

I'm not surprised. But in order to resolve this issue, you have to take action. And whining to your wife is not action. Whining to your wife just turns her off more. It will never work.

Am I wrong to want intimacy with my wife? I am a good guy, great provider, attractive and this is not how I envisioned my married life at all. Am I just an idiot for being treated like this? What do I do?

Advice?

You're not wrong for wanting a sexual marriage. You've just gone about it the wrong way. You can't "nice" a woman out of an affair. You can't "nice" a woman into bed with you. You have to seduce her. You have to attract her. And your wife isn't attracted to you.

Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Run Athol's MAP. You need to improve yourself in order to attract your wife. If your wife refuses to be attracted to you, at least you will be better positioned to enter the dating scene after your divorce.

Good luck.

 

[wiigirl]

Hi Re16
I think if you don't have reason to think she is having an affair to put that completely out of your mind (you mentioned something along those lines above).

I look forward to answers to this, as it seems like it has something to do with women, as the relationship progresses?

Perhaps there needs to be an emotional spark of excitement or living dangerously or unpredictably, that some women here can relate to as being a spark for sex? There was something unfamiliar or exciting at the start it seems for most of us.

:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[WorkingOnMe]

You sure have done a lot of rewarding of her bad behavior. When your dog chews up the couch do you give it a treat? When your kid breaks curfew do you buy him a car? What's with all the cooking and cleaning and 'I love you's'? With all the reinforcing you're doing she probably thinks she's the wife of the century.

 

[Henri]

The majority of answers seem to indicate that: being a nice to your wife results in no sex. Really?

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Henri you're reading it wrong. Being extra nice in response to her being not nice reinforces the not nice behavior. I'm very nice to my wife and do lots around the house. But then, I'm rewarding "good" behavior.

 

[Henri]

OK, thanks WorkingOnMe, that makes sense.

 

[re16]

All good advice. I realize that my original post must have read like I have just been catering to her in attempt to please and that is it. Yes, I tired that but it definitely wasn't the initial path I took.

She thinks that I am someone that will speak my mind and won't put up with any BS. By no means am I a pushover. I run a large company in industry full of alpha males. I let her know that I am frustrated. She receives negative feedback about this issue regularly, but apparently not enough based on the advice above.

As for the attractiveness, I think we are equals. Do I think she is really not attracted to me and that is part of the problem... maybe this is true - tough to consider this as the issue - but could be.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Ask her whether she thinks sex is important in a marriage. If she says yes, ask her why shes not interested. If she says no, tell her since it isn't important she probably wont mind you finding it elsewhere.

You promised monogamy, not celibacy.

 

[re16]

Ask her whether she thinks sex is important in a marriage.

She says it is not important to her.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

I bet it turns into something important when you spend the night at a new woman's house....

 

[Tall Average Guy]

All good advice. I realize that my original post must have read like I have just been catering to her in attempt to please and that is it. Yes, I tired that but it definitely wasn't the initial path I took.

She thinks that I am someone that will speak my mind and won't put up with any BS. By no means am I a pushover. I run a large company in industry full of alpha males. I let her know that I am frustrated. She receives negative feedback about this issue regularly, but apparently not enough based on the advice above.

As for the attractiveness, I think we are equals. Do I think she is really not attracted to me and that is part of the problem... maybe this is true - tough to consider this as the issue - but could be.

What kind of negative feedback? Another comment, or do you provide it with your actions as well? If you tell her that something is a problem, but continue to do all that same nice things to her, what do you expect her to take away?

Consider that she is sending you mixed messages right now. She says things are fine but her actions tell you otherwise. What are you listening to?

While you work on things, you do need to snoop a bit. Rule out any cheating. I don't know if she is, but you can't solve anything if there is another man in the picture.

 

[Cara]

That's because she's not attracted to you. Sorry to be blunt.


That's because it is. She is too polite to tell you bluntly that she doesn't want any contact with you. So, she makes stupid excuses and you pretend to believe them. That way, you don't have to have an argument about why you're only roommates.


Totally typical. Wives who aren't attracted to their husbands can go for years in this cycle. Sex slows to a trickle. Husband finally has the "sex or else" talk. She promises to do better. She has sex a few times. Then, sex slows back to a trickle. Repeat.


Is she more attractive than you? On a sex rank scale, is she an 8 and you're a 6? If so, that's a problem.


You've been trying all the wrong things. Women aren't attracted to butlers. So why are you trying to be her butler?


A marriage where sex occurs less than 10 times per year is clinically defined as nonsexual, or sexless. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, for married couples in their 30s, 5% haven't had sex in the past year. 16% have sex a few times a year to monthly. 47% have sex a few times a month to weekly. 27% have sex 2-3 times per week. And, 6% have sex 4 or more times per week. So, maybe her friends all fall into the 20% of marriages that are monthly or less. But, she's probably just lying to you because her girlfriends are in the 80% that have sex more than once a month.


Yep. Sudden sexual decline is a big red flag for infidelity. She cheated on you. But I'm not surprised she lied about it. Why wouldn't she? Cheating is lying on its face. You had the evidence and you let her explain it away and sweep it under the rug. Bad move. What you actually need to do today is to investigate her to see if she's still cheating, or cheating again. And you don't investigate her by asking her. Put keylogger software on her computer so you can read her email and Facebook messages. Put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car so you can listen to her conversations when she thinks she has privacy. Look at your credit card statements for suspicious activity. Once you rule out another man, you can try to attract her.


I'm not surprised. But in order to resolve this issue, you have to take action. And whining to your wife is not action. Whining to your wife just turns her off more. It will never work.


You're not wrong for wanting a sexual marriage. You've just gone about it the wrong way. You can't "nice" a woman out of an affair. You can't "nice" a woman into bed with you. You have to seduce her. You have to attract her. And your wife isn't attracted to you.

Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Run Athol's MAP. You need to improve yourself in order to attract your wife. If your wife refuses to be attracted to you, at least you will be better positioned to enter the dating scene after your divorce.

Good luck.

Re16, print out this reply, put it into your pocket, and and every time you feel yourself falling into the same old habits, take it out and read the whole thing. This reply hits all the points that will set you in the right direction.

 

[Toffer]

Re16,

I agree with the others who say you need to snoop a bit just to make sure she isn't up to her old tricks. You may also get insight into what she REALLY feels about you.

Also buy 2 voice activated recorders (VARs) and place one under the driver's seat of her var with heavy duty velcro. Use the second one for switching out with the first so you can listen to one while the other is recording

Also as others have said, stop doing ANYTHING for her. No compliments, no dishwashing no NOTHING

get involved with friends or hobbies and don't include her. She's not holding up her end of the marriage contract so why should you?

 

[smilinatu]

RE16, PHTlump advised you to snoop, and I am not saying you should not. Frankly, that would be my first instinct, too. But PHTlump suggested:

"What you actually need to do today is to investigate her to see if she's still cheating, or cheating again. ... Put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car so you can listen to her conversations when she thinks she has privacy."

DO NOT DO THAT! I don't know where you live, but if in the USA, placing a recorder in her car is a violation of federal law and also most (probably all) state laws. I'm not suggesting you will actually be prosecuted -- most prosecutors would probably decline the case if it came to them in the abstract -- but you will be crossing a line here which could come back to haunt you in many ways. If you do it, you better hide it well. I can just imagine her reaction after the guys at the carwash show it to her.

In addition to that, the radio would probably set off the voice activation and run the tape out before her phone even rings.

I do not know if you could afford to hire a private investigator, but that would be a better alternative, if you can afford it.

 

[MEM2020]

Why did you marry her if she cut sex out before marriage while cheating (at least an EA if not a PA) and refused to even admit it.

Why do you allow a situation where she refuses basic affection?

We all have access to Google - so you flat out know (in the first world) that sex once a month in your thirties is a massive sign of dysfunction or an affair. Why would you allow her to make factually false statements to you on a critical topic?

Is the company you run family owned?