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Often times the lack of sex (if there are no medical reasons) is due to anger and resentment on the part of the person not wanting sex. The have fallen out of love and built an emotional barrier between themself and their spouse.

If you can get their attention and work at rebuilding the relationship you might have a chance at saving the marriage.

My suggestions is that the best thing that the OP can do is to work on Getting a Life as described in Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy and M.W. Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. If he Gets a Life, he will be in a much better position should the marriage end in divorce and most sexless marriages do end in divorce.

I was able to change and reconcile a sex starved marriage. It is a lot of work and requires a lot of commitment on the part of both partners to save the marriage. It is a long shot, but can happen.
 

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Ok so here it is we’re both in our mid 30’s married for 10 years 1 child. Sex 1-2 a month. We both love each other & rarely argue or disagree apart from on the below.
My sex drive is high, hers isn’t. I’d love sex or something “sexy” everyday she is happy with once a month ( her words ). I understand in reality something sexy everyday isn’t possible, that’s just the level of my sex drive. Without putting numbers on it id love something sexy 3 ish times a week. I’m not into porn or never considered cheating I genuinely want her.
My problem is living with someone you find so attractive yet so frustrating and when things don’t happen how should I deal with it?

I’l start with how I dealt with the most recent occurrence. We very rarely sleep in the same bed I’m cool with this (snoring) however the other night we did when little one was away. We woke up I brought her breakfast in bed once we finished I kissed her / massage but she laid/sat there little emotion & movement, nothing back to me. So with that I got up got showered got on with my day though was quiet with her, I didn’t feel like making conversation, maybe I felt rejected though definitely frustrated. We then spend the day not arguing but in that pissed off kind of state. At the time what did I crave? Anything on the sexy spectrum whether I be just hot kisses, a handjob, blowjob or full on sex. What did I want to give her? Anything she desired.

The same happens usually at the end of the week. We are relaxed sitting on the sofa on a Friday evening no work the next day. I see her pretty face sitting there, her gorgeous to die for legs on display teasing me I’m rock hard and so horny going out of my mind I kiss her she kisses back but nothing more and goes shy at any further advance. I back off and the cycle begins again I go from horny as hell to quiet, feel rejected and frustrated

By no means is it every evening that im sitting there with the urge to rip her clothes off it’s once or twice maybe every 2 weeks it’s where we get that alone relaxed time.

So to summarise I get frustrated at those infrequent alone times we get together where I’d like to have some fun. Is it wrong of me to feel quiet and just want to be left alone after nothing happens? How else could I react?
I’m totally cool with evenings sat on the sofa just on our phones or mornings where we have to get up and go for work, yeah I’d love sexy time every day and not once or twice a month but that’s her choice that I respect but as I say do I deal with it in the right way?
Where's Waldo?


Hey dude, where yah at?
 

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That is an interesting perspective. I have an interesting story on this.

Years ago when I was dealing with lack of sex in the marriage, I did think about sex starving my Wife to see what would happen. I ended up not doing it, but at the time I did ask her how she would feel if I did something like that. I don't know if she was lying, but she told me it would not bug her and she could go on the rest of her life without sex again.

Years later after the big change and sex roaring back. We were sitting in bed chatting about stuff. I asked her the same question. This time she said that if I had stopped wanting it, it would raise big concerns and she would suspect I was cheating on her.

Weird how things can change like that.
This is a perfect example of living only in the feelings of the moment.

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That is an interesting perspective. I have an interesting story on this.

Years ago when I was dealing with lack of sex in the marriage, I did think about sex starving my Wife to see what would happen. I ended up not doing it, but at the time I did ask her how she would feel if I did something like that. I don't know if she was lying, but she told me it would not bug her and she could go on the rest of her life without sex again.

Years later after the big change and sex roaring back. We were sitting in bed chatting about stuff. I asked her the same question. This time she said that if I had stopped wanting it, it would raise big concerns and she would suspect I was cheating on her.

Weird how things can change like that.
This is a perfect example of living only in the feelings of the moment.

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Really sad when you think about it. When it is you suffering, no real concern. When it is her suffering then you must be up to something. So, by extension, she is saying if she stops wanting sex again you should suspect her of cheating, right? Her comment would make me wonder if she was cheating back when she made that comment?
 

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I've often thought that the final solution to all of this may actually be when the interactive life like sex dolls become so realistic that they pretty much do everything a real woman could do and probably more... 😂

But all kidding aside, it just never seems right...Few things in life compare to this scenario.. No one wants to force anyone to have sex...That's just crazy.,...I don't even know why some guys even do the whole "180" stuff...Life is already too hard as it is...Now you have to twist yourself into a pretzel just to satisfy a basic biological need...

And the main problem is, when you look at the potential realities, the guy becomes like a rat in a maze that has no exit, and a hungry cat waiting when he jumps out of the maze...

4,000 weeks to a typical life...if you are lucky....it shouldn't be filled with this type of crap..I know there is no easy solution, I wish there were...its too bad, I have seen this type of thing break some good people...
 

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I've often thought that the final solution to all of this may actually be when the interactive life like sex dolls become so realistic that they pretty much do everything a real woman could do and probably more... 😂

But all kidding aside, it just never seems right...Few things in life compare to this scenario.. No one wants to force anyone to have sex...That's just crazy.,...I don't even know why some guys even do the whole "180" stuff...Life is already too hard as it is...Now you have to twist yourself into a pretzel just to satisfy a basic biological need...

And the main problem is, when you look at the potential realities, the guy becomes like a rat in a maze that has no exit, and a hungry cat waiting when he jumps out of the maze...

4,000 weeks to a typical life...if you are lucky....it shouldn't be filled with this type of crap..I know there is no easy solution, I wish there were...its too bad, I have seen this type of thing break some good people...
I agree.

I also wonder a few things not just about the 180 but:

1. How does the spouse who more or less gets threatened with "have sex or I am leaving" feel? Another web site I have read geared towards women stated thats "emotional abuse" and if they are told that, they should reply with "Just leave now then!" Wonder how many times thats happened?
2. What are some items that could be turned back on someone? i.e. some say they would leave over sex but what is something the other spouse could counter with? "Do ____ or else I am leaving?" I wonder if thats ever happened?

And maybe if the ultimatiums are getting thrown out that much, its just time to end it anyway?

Not sure why that basic biological need has to be so complicated?
 

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Don’t mope after not getting sex, it makes you look pathetic and it gives your wife power over you.
Exactly! But don't just lay there and hold her either, go lift weights. Read some men betterment books. Make yourself a man alot of other girls take notice of and she will notice, or get replaced in short order by a newer model.
 

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I agree.

I also wonder a few things not just about the 180 but:

1. How does the spouse who more or less gets threatened with "have sex or I am leaving" feel? Another web site I have read geared towards women stated thats "emotional abuse" and if they are told that, they should reply with "Just leave now then!" Wonder how many times thats happened?
2. What are some items that could be turned back on someone? i.e. some say they would leave over sex but what is something the other spouse could counter with? "Do ____ or else I am leaving?" I wonder if thats ever happened?

And maybe if the ultimatiums are getting thrown out that much, its just time to end it anyway?

Not sure why that basic biological need has to be so complicated?
If #1 is abuse, then withholding sex is much more so. Wonder how upset the withholding spouse would be if their spouse only showed them any sort of affection or spoke to them 2x a month?
 

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If #1 is abuse, then withholding sex is much more so. Wonder how upset the withholding spouse would be if their spouse only showed them any sort of affection or spoke to them 2x a month?
There is a very simple solution to this.

"Spouse, since you're clearly not interested in sex with me, and you've clearly expressed that sex is not important, you won't mind if I find somebody else that is interested in having sex with me, right?"

Clearly, this is a trap. If sex is not important, she shouldn't mind. And frankly, if she doesn't mind, the marriage is probably over anyway. On that note, having to use this nuclear option probably means the marriage is over as well.

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I've often thought that the final solution to all of this may actually be when the interactive life like sex dolls become so realistic that they pretty much do everything a real woman could do and probably more... 😂

But all kidding aside, it just never seems right...Few things in life compare to this scenario.. No one wants to force anyone to have sex...That's just crazy.,...I don't even know why some guys even do the whole "180" stuff...Life is already too hard as it is...Now you have to twist yourself into a pretzel just to satisfy a basic biological need...

And the main problem is, when you look at the potential realities, the guy becomes like a rat in a maze that has no exit, and a hungry cat waiting when he jumps out of the maze...

4,000 weeks to a typical life...if you are lucky....it shouldn't be filled with this type of crap..I know there is no easy solution, I wish there were...its too bad, I have seen this type of thing break some good people...
I am confused about your comment that a sex doll would solve this problem for men....

So many men DO NOT want "duty" or "starfish" sex from a real person because they want to feel genuinely desired....so why would they ever settle for a sex doll who would give them basically the same exact thing -- duty, starfish, play-acted sex...??

Does a sex doll feel genuine desire for the guy who buys her? If that's good enough, then why be so offended when a wife does that?
 

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I am confused about your comment that a sex doll would solve this problem for men....

So many men DO NOT want "duty" or "starfish" sex from a real person because they want to feel genuinely desired....so why would they ever settle for a sex doll who would give them basically the same exact thing -- duty, starfish, play-acted sex...??

Does a sex doll feel genuine desire for the guy who buys her? If that's good enough, then why be so offended when a wife does that?
I'm assuming he meant a sex doll that would essentially give off the vibes of an active participant, kind of like an escort. So in this case, not starfish, not real desire, but fake desire.
 

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I am confused about your comment that a sex doll would solve this problem for men....

So many men DO NOT want "duty" or "starfish" sex from a real person because they want to feel genuinely desired....so why would they ever settle for a sex doll who would give them basically the same exact thing -- duty, starfish, play-acted sex...??

Does a sex doll feel genuine desire for the guy who buys her? If that's good enough, then why be so offended when a wife does that?
Amen. Don’t want starfish sex. Understood. That’s fair. Then it goes to “ don’t want acting/ duty sex”. So seeming more enthusiastic is judged acting.
Got news for you. Seems that a lot of posters want new dating sex from people you’ve known 10 plus years.

Do you really expect first night in the sack sex?
Another question: if your wife doesn’t want sex.have you considered how you’ve changed? Are you still paying attention to her, decent looking, etc

The newer model shows mindset. Very dismissive
 

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I'm assuming he meant a sex doll that would essentially give off the vibes of an active participant, kind of like an escort. So in this case, not starfish, not real desire, but fake desire.
So...essentially THIS he said below that men WOULDN'T want - simulated, fake desire....
See why I'm confused? Lol!!
Holding a gun to a woman/s head to get laid is neither enjoyable or even effective to "save a marriage"....Because primarily it wont last......Lets say she does start to "give in" to more frequent sex, any guy with a working brain is going to assume its not because she wanted it, but it was better than being on the street and have her life and kids lives blown up, or being left for someone else..
 

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I am confused about your comment that a sex doll would solve this problem for men....

So many men DO NOT want "duty" or "starfish" sex from a real person because they want to feel genuinely desired....so why would they ever settle for a sex doll who would give them basically the same exact thing -- duty, starfish, play-acted sex...??

Does a sex doll feel genuine desire for the guy who buys her? If that's good enough, then why be so offended when a wife does that?
I think he was thinking of the old interactive models like the saloon girls in the old Michael Crichton movie "Westworld" from the 70s! :)
 

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I am confused about your comment that a sex doll would solve this problem for men....

So many men DO NOT want "duty" or "starfish" sex from a real person because they want to feel genuinely desired....so why would they ever settle for a sex doll who would give them basically the same exact thing -- duty, starfish, play-acted sex...??

Does a sex doll feel genuine desire for the guy who buys her? If that's good enough, then why be so offended when a wife does that?
Only in Blade Runner________
 

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Amen. Don’t want starfish sex. Understood. That’s fair. Then it goes to “ don’t want acting/ duty sex”. So seeming more enthusiastic is judged acting.
Got news for you. Seems that a lot of posters want new dating sex from people you’ve known 10 plus years.

Do you really expect first night in the sack sex?
Another question: if your wife doesn’t want sex.have you considered how you’ve changed? Are you still paying attention to her, decent looking, etc

The newer model shows mindset. Very dismissive
I don't think anyone expects "new dating sex", they just want some enthusiam and an active participant. Not someone that might say "OK, we can have sex AGAIN since you have suggested it" (Not that I have heard that one before...or maybe I have?) ;)

If my wife asks if I want to go to dinner with her and I get there and don't order anything and just have a glass of water and saying nothing the whole time am I really having dinner with her or just going through the motions to keep her happy?
 

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I am confused about your comment that a sex doll would solve this problem for men....

So many men DO NOT want "duty" or "starfish" sex from a real person because they want to feel genuinely desired....so why would they ever settle for a sex doll who would give them basically the same exact thing -- duty, starfish, play-acted sex...??

Does a sex doll feel genuine desire for the guy who buys her? If that's good enough, then why be so offended when a wife does that?
Just because I post stuff on here, doesn't mean it would apply to me personally. ;) 😅..NO ...I would neither desire duty, scheduled, starfish, whatever you want to call it, nor would I even bother to participate if she agreed/complied...Said it numerous times..

I was just suggesting for the guys who have said it "works" for them(several participating in this actual thread), then how great would it be for these guys...No more gun to her head, no more "180" dog and pony show...no more "ok, is it in yet?, lets get this over with" type of thing...They can just use their doll and forget about the wife, she doesn't even want it anyway, so the doll would likely be a better option...At least the doll has no opinion, which is probably better than a negative/passive opinion...I mean, sex with a prostitute isn't much different, I imagine because outside of the pay, she is totally un invested....Yet guys participate in that stuff since the beginning of time...
 
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