[*Deidre*]

From the stories I've read on here about ''dead bedrooms,'' I don't think I've run across any that ended well with men saying ''I feel bad because we're not having enough sex.'' Those conversations often end up in circular arguments that go nowhere, and their sex lives stay exactly the same. I don't have this issue in my marriage - I genuinely desire my husband and he is typically the initiator. But, it's not always that I'm in the mood for sex, but I'm always in the mood for him. I don't think some wives realize how by rejecting their husbands over and over and over...that it isn't about sex as much as it is about a rejection of them.

Imagine if you never told your wife, you loved her. Truuuust me, she'd be upset about it. Sex is part of love. Sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage. Unless there's a medical issue that prevents sex from happening, or some type of trauma, to just keep rejecting you for sex OP, is wrong. And it affects the marriage bond.

This is what she needs to understand. She'll probably start to feel it because if you're frustrated, that crosses over into other things, I'm sure.

Sex is better than words, when it comes to feeling desired and showing our partners how much we desire them. Keep communicating but be direct about it. How this is affecting the marriage, how this is affecting how you see the marriage. Don't make it about ''I feel bad when we don't have sex bla bla'' because I think that'll fall on deaf ears, unfortunately.

You and your wife married each other for a reason, and if those reasons have changed, you need to discuss that. If she is not on the same page with sex, you need to know this. You may learn some new things from her, as well. There's a compromise somewhere in there...and I think that's all you're seeking. But, if she's unwilling to compromise, you have to get real with yourself if you can handle your sex life on her terms only.

Hope things get better one way or the other!

 

[ShatteredKat]

There are so many of you guys coming in here like this that it’s hard to keep up with. I’ll give you a standard answer. Go read the following books and don’t give one damn if your wife sees you reading them. I promise you her first reaction will be anger and tell you that you have some kind of problem. DO NOT REACT… just carry on.

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Mating in Captivity
The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer
The Sex Starved Marriage

And LASTLY BUT IMPORTANTLY:

The Rational Male ( A must read …last)

You might not like what you learn … but hey that’s the way it is….or maybe you will.

After the above things should be a little more clear and you can adjust to fit your personal life. Without the above you are still trapped inside the false narrative of sexuality that society has fed you your entire life. The sexuality of women doesn’t work like you think

also OP - are you in bad physical shape? shower once a month? shave twice a week? loudly burp while at the table eating dinner? criticize her for ??? things? (asking her to put on her warpaint before taking her out to eat isn't exactly endearing) -- when you are "doing it" are you making sure she enjoys? (as in not pump and dump)

Normal and healthy women (both physical and mental) like sex - your wife doesn't? Ya, something is wrong in your marriage.

 

[Mr.Married]

Just to add a little more confusion to your situation: There probably isn’t anything wrong with your wife. I realize that is probably hard for you to believe…. just read the books. If you can’t put in that small of an effort then there isn’t any hope for your situation anyways.

 

[farsidejunky]

Bingo.

That crap gets real old after a while. I dealt with this for years and do NOT miss it at all. Having a dog in heat constantly humping your leg and constantly wanting sex, and then pouting when he doesn't get it and acting like an angry 4-year-old the rest of the day gets REAL old REAL fast.

Wait til she gets to the point where she avoids touching you altogether, OP. It's going to get to a point where she knows anytime she does touch you, you're going to want it to progress to sex. I'm guessing that if your wife drops something on the floor, she'll kick it all the way to the nearest city to retrieve it rather than bend over in your house to pick it up.

This is the unintended consequence of denying your partner sex and/or intimacy, and while the OP may have some **** to fix, his wife has plenty for which to answer.

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[thenerdguy]

You can try the scheduled sex thing, in some cases like mine it worked out. But it was more of a short term fix and didn't solve the real issue.

Go read those books and start on the 180. As dumb as it may sound, women want men that other women want. So you have to be that guy. Work on being the best version of yourself as possible, she will notice. Right now I bet she desires sex, but just not with you. But once you make the changes, and it does take a bit of time, but the sex will come roaring back.

About sleeping in different rooms, I am mixed on that one. It could be an issue or maybe not. But yes I agree get the snoring checked out. My snoring went away during the 180 and getting into shape.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Bingo.

That crap gets real old after a while. I dealt with this for years and do NOT miss it at all. Having a dog in heat constantly humping your leg and constantly wanting sex, and then pouting when he doesn't get it and acting like an angry 4-year-old the rest of the day gets REAL old REAL fast.

Wait til she gets to the point where she avoids touching you altogether, OP. It's going to get to a point where she knows anytime she does touch you, you're going to want it to progress to sex. I'm guessing that if your wife drops something on the floor, she'll kick it all the way to the nearest city to retrieve it rather than bend over in your house to pick it up.

That's just sad.

 

[farsidejunky]

OP, doing more rarely works in these instances. I normally encourage people to do less. Prioritize your wife in the exact manner in which she prioritizes you.

If you aren't willing to risk capsizing the marital boat through rocking it, then

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[Rob_1]

Men/women that don't want sex due to their libido gone, there is nothing that you can do about it. That's their nature. Libido gone, no more sex. Partners to these men/women are only fooling themselves thinking that there's a way to make then all of the sudden get horny, want you, and/or at the minimum to put up here and there (why would anyone wants that?).

People get that through your head. Of course there are exceptions such as a reversible medical condition, such as low testosterone, but the bottom line is you will not get what you want if you stay in the relationship. That's a fact. What you'll get is a life of resentment, despair, tension filled relationship, because you didn't have the balls to get out of the relationship. Instead, you used all the usual tricks in the book of excuses in order to mask the fears and the lack of balls in order to not take action, instead you stayed whining your life away.

Now, we have the "other" reason, the hidden truth about your partner not wanting sex with you...she/he is not longer into you. Your partner doesn't want you or is attracted to you any longer. Depending on the reason (s) why it could be regained, or not at all. Some might get it back, but realistically speaking, once is gone is gone. Your partner must likely is still wanting and craving sex but not with you, Somebody else, and he/she might go at it like rabbits.

My advice is that once you sit and confront your partner, and is obvious that nothing will ever change, then, end the relationship, I mean if you have the actual guts to do it, otherwise stop complaining, whining, and being passive aggressive, and accept that you will be staying in this sexless relationship because you want to stay, reluctantly or not.

 

[hamadryad]

Sex is better than words, when it comes to feeling desired and showing our partners how much we desire them. Keep communicating but be direct about it. How this is affecting the marriage, how this is affecting how you see the marriage. Don't make it about ''I feel bad when we don't have sex bla bla'' because I think that'll fall on deaf ears, unfortunately. She needs to know that you're questioning the marriage; it's not threatening, but she needs to hear the truth. And that is the truth.

You and your wife married each other for a reason, and if those reasons have changed, you need to discuss that. If she is not on the same page with sex, you need to know this. You may learn some new things from her, as well. But, something has to change, and that is what you need for her to understand. There's a compromise somewhere in there...and I think that's all you're seeking. But, if she's unwilling to compromise, you have to get real with yourself if you can handle your sex life on her terms only.

i know your intentions are sound, but when it reaches this point, its already too late, IMO..(bolded)...

Holding a gun to a woman/s head to get laid is neither enjoyable or even effective to "save a marriage"....Because primarily it wont last......Lets say she does start to "give in" to more frequent sex, any guy with a working brain is going to assume its not because she wanted it, but it was better than being on the street and have her life and kids lives blown up, or being left for someone else..

 

[*Deidre*]

i know your intentions are sound, but when it reaches this point, its already too late, IMO..(bolded)...

Holding a gun to a woman/s head to get laid is neither enjoyable or even effective to "save a marriage"....Because primarily it wont last......Lets say she does start to "give in" to more frequent sex, any guy with a working brain is going to assume its not because she wanted it, but it was better than being on the street and have her life and kids lives blown up, or being left for someone else..

I don't doubt what you're saying, but until he communicates, and then nothing changes, then he can decide from there what to do next. She may have absolutely no idea how this is affecting him. My husband is a strong man, but he's not immune to getting hurt. To feeling hurt. I'd want to know if I was hurting him. That's where I was coming from, and it may be eye opening to the OP's wife, if he explains how it's affecting the marriage. She may get upset, but they have to be able to discuss this. I don't see the OP as being unreasonable. If he expected sex on tap whenever he wants, that would be different.

I think sometimes as women, it may seem that men just want sex for sex sake. But, when you realize that your man desires YOU and that it's not ''just'' about sex...it's enlightening. And hot, to be honest. lol

 

[hamadryad]

I don't doubt what you're saying, but until he communicates, and then nothing changes, then he can decide from there what to do next. She may have absolutely no idea how this is affecting him. My husband is a strong man, but he's not immune to getting hurt. To feeling hurt. I'd want to know if I was hurting him. That's where I was coming from, and it may be eye opening to the OP's wife, if he explains how it's affecting the marriage. She may get upset, but they have to be able to discuss this. I don't see the OP as being unreasonable. If he expected sex on tap whenever he wants, that would be different.

I think sometimes as women, it may seem that men just want sex for sex sake. But, when you realize that your man desires YOU and that it's not ''just'' about sex...it's enlightening. And hot, to be honest. lol

Fair point....

I still say do nothing....Stop initiating, but don't act any differently...be happy and act as though nothing is wrong.. She does nothing, and may even be happier that she doesn't have to shuck and jive him when he tries....

If she goes on and doesn't initiate and doesn't question, then it's truly game over....

I'd be curious of your(or any other woman's) thoughts about it...

 

[*Deidre*]

Fair point....

I still say do nothing....Stop initiating, but don't act any differently...be happy and act as though nothing is wrong.. She does nothing, and may even be happier that she doesn't have to shuck and jive him when he tries....

If she goes on and doesn't initiate and doesn't question, then it's truly game over....

I'd be curious of your(or any other woman's) thoughts about it...

I think he has to change his approach to the situation and see if anything changes. If his wife isn't interested in having sex with him...she needs to share with him, why. Is it him? Does she simply not want sex? Is she unhappy in the marriage? They need to just hear each other out and see what happens. If they can't talk about this, then they have other issues.

I will say that if he completely stops approaching his wife for sex...like completely, and she doesn't care? Doesn't say a word about it? Then, he has to simply decide if he wants to live like that forever - if he's okay with just being roomies.

Whenever I read stories on here about men who leave their marriages because of 'dead bedrooms,' I don't think it's just about having no sex life. It seems that way on the surface. I think it starts to affect their self-esteem and they start questioning, why am I married? Especially if they're good men overall who are taking care of their end of the relationship. Now, there are jerks out there who expect sex on tap and are porn addicted and have no respect for women. In those cases, it's not surprising why their wives aren't interested in sex.

But, I think all good things start with just being able to express how we feel, without taking offense.

 

[thenerdguy]

I think he has to change his approach to the situation and see if anything changes. If his wife isn't interested in having sex with him...she needs to share with him, why. Is it him? Does she simply not want sex? Is she unhappy in the marriage? They need to just hear each other out and see what happens. If they can't talk about this, then they have other issues.

I will say that if he completely stops approaching his wife for sex...like completely, and she doesn't care? Doesn't say a word about it? Then, he has to simply decide if he wants to live like that forever - if he's okay with just being roomies.

Whenever I read stories on here about men who leave their marriages because of 'dead bedrooms,' I don't think it's just about having no sex life. It seems that way on the surface. I think it starts to affect their self-esteem and they start questioning, why am I married? Especially if they're good men overall who are taking care of their end of the relationship. Now, there are jerks out there who expect sex on tap and are porn addicted and have no respect for women. In those cases, it's not surprising why their wives aren't interested in sex.

But, I think all good things start with just being able to express how we feel, without taking offense.

That is an interesting perspective. I have an interesting story on this.

Years ago when I was dealing with lack of sex in the marriage, I did think about sex starving my Wife to see what would happen. I ended up not doing it, but at the time I did ask her how she would feel if I did something like that. I don't know if she was lying, but she told me it would not bug her and she could go on the rest of her life without sex again.

Years later after the big change and sex roaring back. We were sitting in bed chatting about stuff. I asked her the same question. This time she said that if I had stopped wanting it, it would raise big concerns and she would suspect I was cheating on her.

Weird how things can change like that.

 

[Jamieboy]

To put it bluntly, my wife didn't want me until someone else did, that was the wake up call we needed, but we almost didn't survive it. Not a path I'd recommend, but we've been great in the bedroom ever since

 

[ConanHub]

Are men becoming afraid of angering women?

Some woman being mad at me about something has been pretty standard business for as long as I can remember.

Lack of fighting and arguing is not a sign of a good marriage. It could mean she views you as a pet , brother or roommate.

 

[Mr.Married]

To put it bluntly, my wife didn't want me until someone else did, that was the wake up call we needed, but we almost didn't survive it. Not a path I'd recommend, but we've been great in the bedroom ever since

I like your reply. I can change just a few words and make it my exact situation.

…my wife didn’t want me until it was clear I didn’t want her….

Power dynamics are completely changed now and we are both much happier people

 

[Mr.Married]

…double post…

 

[hamadryad]

I think he has to change his approach to the situation and see if anything changes. If his wife isn't interested in having sex with him...she needs to share with him, why. Is it him? Does she simply not want sex? Is she unhappy in the marriage? They need to just hear each other out and see what happens. If they can't talk about this, then they have other issues.

I will say that if he completely stops approaching his wife for sex...like completely, and she doesn't care? Doesn't say a word about it? Then, he has to simply decide if he wants to live like that forever - if he's okay with just being roomies.

Whenever I read stories on here about men who leave their marriages because of 'dead bedrooms,' I don't think it's just about having no sex life. It seems that way on the surface. I think it starts to affect their self-esteem and they start questioning, why am I married? Especially if they're good men overall who are taking care of their end of the relationship. Now, there are jerks out there who expect sex on tap and are porn addicted and have no respect for women. In those cases, it's not surprising why their wives aren't interested in sex.

But, I think all good things start with just being able to express how we feel, without taking offense.

I agree with all of what you are saying...I guess it takes a different kind of person....If I think about it myself(I cant say that I was ever in a situation where there was any kind of "refusal" or avoidance, if anything it was me(I lost interest-but there were other issues as well)..

It would be the most uncomfortable convo I can think of, really, and I hate those types of things...I avoid them and pick a path of lesser resistance...Plus, that type of thing is like a 400 lb gorilla in the corner...No one needs to talk about it, everyone knows it's there

Its also something to note..Ive been in a situation where the sexual chemistry and attraction was strong....Strong enough where although we were like oil and vinegar in terms of compatibility and at times I think she hated me, she was ALWAYS dtf and even suggested some form of casual FWB after she moved on to another guy....I know, sounds nuts...I only mention it , because i don't know how much truth there is to the aspect that you need to be the "perfect man", put rose pedals on the bed, etc... on all levels to be desired sexually....I don't think that's the case at all...I think also this is where women get into trouble....They place that priority too low in the mate selection process...They look at guys who, perhaps are better providers, maybe not as good looking so they don't have to worry about him banging her friends, etc and once they get the house, kids, dog and SUV, then they no longer feel the need to put out with someone that doesn't make their crotch tingle...

Also, If he stops approaching and she does nothing, I am not saying stay and be miserable....Just that now he knows where she stands on it for sure and he can decide what the next move is...

 

[Jamieboy]

I like your reply. I can change just a few words and make it my exact situation.

…my wife didn’t want me until it was clear I didn’t want her….

Power dynamics are completely changed now and we are both much happier people

It's brutal but true, my marriage is much more balanced, but the love from my side will never be what it was. It shouldn't have ended up the way it did. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all. Just sad our marriage was so dysfunctional that it took an affair for us to wake up to each other.

 

[Always Learning]

I think he has to change his approach to the situation and see if anything changes. If his wife isn't interested in having sex with him...she needs to share with him, why. Is it him? Does she simply not want sex? Is she unhappy in the marriage? They need to just hear each other out and see what happens. If they can't talk about this, then they have other issues.

I will say that if he completely stops approaching his wife for sex...like completely, and she doesn't care? Doesn't say a word about it? Then, he has to simply decide if he wants to live like that forever - if he's okay with just being roomies.

Whenever I read stories on here about men who leave their marriages because of 'dead bedrooms,' I don't think it's just about having no sex life. It seems that way on the surface. I think it starts to affect their self-esteem and they start questioning, why am I married? Especially if they're good men overall who are taking care of their end of the relationship. Now, there are jerks out there who expect sex on tap and are porn addicted and have no respect for women. In those cases, it's not surprising why their wives aren't interested in sex.

But, I think all good things start with just being able to express how we feel, without taking offense.

This is a good response but I think what you missed is that it may not be their self esteem that takes the hit it is the feeling of not being loved in return. There are a lot of men that were raised being told by the women in their life that sex from a women is supposed to be something special saved for the man they love and only shared with that man. So when sex stops the message we get is "I don't love you like that anymore". It is even worse if your love language is physical touch/sex.

As someone who has gone through repeated periods of being sex/love starved over a period of 35 years, it never affected my self esteem.