[russellgrand]

Ok so here it is we’re both in our mid 30’s married for 10 years 1 child. Sex 1-2 a month. We both love each other & rarely argue or disagree apart from on the below.
My sex drive is high, hers isn’t. I’d love sex or something “sexy” everyday she is happy with once a month ( her words ). I understand in reality something sexy everyday isn’t possible, that’s just the level of my sex drive. Without putting numbers on it id love something sexy 3 ish times a week. I’m not into porn or never considered cheating I genuinely want her.
My problem is living with someone you find so attractive yet so frustrating and when things don’t happen how should I deal with it?

I’l start with how I dealt with the most recent occurrence. We very rarely sleep in the same bed I’m cool with this (snoring) however the other night we did when little one was away. We woke up I brought her breakfast in bed once we finished I kissed her / massage but she laid/sat there little emotion & movement, nothing back to me. So with that I got up got showered got on with my day though was quiet with her, I didn’t feel like making conversation, maybe I felt rejected though definitely frustrated. We then spend the day not arguing but in that pissed off kind of state. At the time what did I crave? Anything on the sexy spectrum whether I be just hot kisses, a handjob, blowjob or full on sex. What did I want to give her? Anything she desired.

The same happens usually at the end of the week. We are relaxed sitting on the sofa on a Friday evening no work the next day. I see her pretty face sitting there, her gorgeous to die for legs on display teasing me I’m rock hard and so horny going out of my mind I kiss her she kisses back but nothing more and goes shy at any further advance. I back off and the cycle begins again I go from horny as hell to quiet, feel rejected and frustrated

By no means is it every evening that im sitting there with the urge to rip her clothes off it’s once or twice maybe every 2 weeks it’s where we get that alone relaxed time.

So to summarise I get frustrated at those infrequent alone times we get together where I’d like to have some fun. Is it wrong of me to feel quiet and just want to be left alone after nothing happens? How else could I react?
I’m totally cool with evenings sat on the sofa just on our phones or mornings where we have to get up and go for work, yeah I’d love sexy time every day and not once or twice a month but that’s her choice that I respect but as I say do I deal with it in the right way?

 

[elliblue]

Soon she'll stop wanting sex at all...

 

[Livvie]

Yet another one.

Posts like yours are a dime a dozen because there are a lot here.

Sounds like an awful way to live the rest of your life, and you are only in your 30s.

Your wife isn't interested in sex with you.

1. Have you asked her why?
2. Why doesn't she think this could be a marriage ruining issue, the poor sex life????????

 

[DaringGreatly]

It is great how much you want and love your wife. You have told us very vividly about YOUR needs and wants but an intimate life is a two way street. When it comes to love, Romance, intimacy and sex the needs and desires of both partners need to be considered.

What are your wife's needs and desires (think beyond just the sex act). How many times a week are they being met.

I really believe that when the sex dwindles its because one of the partners needs changed or stopped being met and the spouse didn't notice or care until the sex stops.

Is sitting on the sofa with your hard on, that she is expected to service, considered 'date night'

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Ok so here it is we’re both in our mid 30’s married for 10 years 1 child. Sex 1-2 a month. We both love each other & rarely argue or disagree apart from on the below.
My sex drive is high, hers isn’t. I’d love sex or something “sexy” everyday she is happy with once a month ( her words ). I understand in reality something sexy everyday isn’t possible, that’s just the level of my sex drive. Without putting numbers on it id love something sexy 3 ish times a week. I’m not into porn or never considered cheating I genuinely want her.
My problem is living with someone you find so attractive yet so frustrating and when things don’t happen how should I deal with it?

I’l start with how I dealt with the most recent occurrence. We very rarely sleep in the same bed I’m cool with this (snoring) however the other night we did when little one was away. We woke up I brought her breakfast in bed once we finished I kissed her / massage but she laid/sat there little emotion & movement, nothing back to me. So with that I got up got showered got on with my day though was quiet with her, I didn’t feel like making conversation, maybe I felt rejected though definitely frustrated. We then spend the day not arguing but in that pissed off kind of state. At the time what did I crave? Anything on the sexy spectrum whether I be just hot kisses, a handjob, blowjob or full on sex. What did I want to give her? Anything she desired.

The same happens usually at the end of the week. We are relaxed sitting on the sofa on a Friday evening no work the next day. I see her pretty face sitting there, her gorgeous to die for legs on display teasing me I’m rock hard and so horny going out of my mind I kiss her she kisses back but nothing more and goes shy at any further advance. I back off and the cycle begins again I go from horny as hell to quiet, feel rejected and frustrated

By no means is it every evening that im sitting there with the urge to rip her clothes off it’s once or twice maybe every 2 weeks it’s where we get that alone relaxed time.

So to summarise I get frustrated at those infrequent alone times we get together where I’d like to have some fun. Is it wrong of me to feel quiet and just want to be left alone after nothing happens? How else could I react?
I’m totally cool with evenings sat on the sofa just on our phones or mornings where we have to get up and go for work, yeah I’d love sexy time every day and not once or twice a month but that’s her choice that I respect but as I say do I deal with it in the right way?

It's common knowledge that most women don't want sex as often as most men. Neither of your needs trumps the other. You don't have to watch porn to masturbate. She isn't obligated to service you, even though that may seem like a small thing to you. That would be worse for her than having just intercourse, more of an imposition with her not in the mood, making her feel just used.

About all you can do is have a serious talk with her and just ask if you can reach some compromise and get her to add one more scheduled sex time on a certain day so you can count on it then and not have to stay in this cycle of coming on to her and making her feel pressured for sex and then getting rejected. Try to talk about it like adults. Acknowledge that you understand women don't usually want sex as frequently as men, agree to take off all pressure about it. Let her know you get that she feels pressured and that you feel rejected. Maybe scheduled sex is at least temporarily something you can agree on so you can both relax in between? I know it's not spontaneous, but if it would get rid of this cycle if she'd agree to it, that would be worth something. She may not agree to anything.

 

[Diana7]

Could you you be completely honest about how you are struggling and compromise on say twice a week?

 

[Mr.Married]

There are so many of you guys coming in here like this that it’s hard to keep up with. I’ll give you a standard answer. Go read the following books and don’t give one damn if your wife sees you reading them. I promise you her first reaction will be anger and tell you that you have some kind of problem. DO NOT REACT… just carry on.

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Mating in Captivity
The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer
The Sex Starved Marriage

And LASTLY BUT IMPORTANTLY:

The Rational Male ( A must read …last)

You might not like what you learn … but hey that’s the way it is….or maybe you will.

After the above things should be a little more clear and you can adjust to fit your personal life. Without the above you are still trapped inside the false narrative of sexuality that society has fed you your entire life. The sexuality of women doesn’t work like you think

 

[Mybabysgotit]

I can't advocate enough for scheduled sex. Sit her down and compromise, maybe 1-2x a week for a start. That way, you KNOW on the other days that it's not going to happen and she knows she won't get pestered on those days. It also gives her time to get in the mood on the days that are scheduled so she's more present in the moment.

On the flipside, if she doesn't like you or doesn't find you attractive, then she might spend the off days worrying about the on days in which scheduled sex becomes a chore for her. Only she would know how she feels so ask her about scheduled sex and immediately gauge her reaction. If she genuinely thinks it's a good idea, it's a win win for all.

 

[Rus47]

brought her breakfast in bed once we finished I kissed her / massage but she laid/sat there little emotion & movement, nothing back to me.

Sounds like covert contract. Which just makes things worse. Her response indicates that is how she read your kindness. And your resentment afterward confirmed her read.

Go read @Lawrence N latest thread for a success story.

Also, in your 10 years married and however long you dated, were your llbidos always mismatched? If yes, how did you manage back then? If no, what changed and when did it change?

I can't advocate enough for scheduled sex. Sit her down and compromise, maybe 1-2x a week for a start.

I would agree with this strategy, wife n I have had a schedule since birth of our first. But a lot of people think scheduling sex is a turnoff.

OP, suggest it n see what response you receive.

 

[jsmart]

So she gets all the benefits that you bring to the marriage but she provides platonic levels of affection? Yea that sounds fair.

Talking about it or trying to use logic will NOT work. The best plan of action is to change yourself for the better, and hopefully she will make changes to the changing dynamic. If she doesn’t change, you will be a more confident man that can know deep in your soul can do better.

So how does this change look? Why it looks different for each person but has to include you working to better yourself physically and mentally. The usual advice of workout hard, get your wardrobe, hygiene, hair, beard on point are the first step. Get yourself out of the house to connect with male friends to do things that you stopped doing because of marriage and family. (Sitting in a bar drinking beer does not count). Not saying to shirk your responsibilities at home but stop making your life revolve around your wife.

She has shown by her actions that her “love” for you does not include trying to meet your sexual or affection needs and hence you need to take her off the pedestal that you have her on. You work on you, being a good dad, while making sure to do your fair share of the chores; then you become scarce as you’re living your best life. This should be about 6 month journey that will end with you having a wife who wants some of her hotter husband or with you dropping D papers on the kitchen counter.

 

[Exit37]

OP, the first thing you need to do is get yourself back in the marital bed... You are mid-30s, and you are sleeping in different rooms? There is no way to establish intimacy when that is going on. Go see a sleep specialist, your snoring might be a symptom of sleep apnea which can be very dangerous, especially as you get older. CPAP machines these days are whisper quiet and will not bother her sleep.

Seriously, at least set up the appointment and have a sleep study done. I did, and I had no idea how badly the quality of my sleep had become before I started using my CPAP. I felt like an entirely different person. Give it a shot.

 

[jsmart]

Holy cow, I completely skipped over the part of them sleeping in separate beds due to snoring. If that’s actually true, you need to take Exit’s advice and get that checked out. If you do need one of those machines, then so be it. Not sure if this is true across the board but almost everyone that I knows that’s under 40 that needs one is really overweight. So if you’re overweight, you need to make that a priority. Losing weight will not only save your health, it can help your marriage. Besides, your kid needs a healthy dad. Don’t ignore what Exit said.

 

[Jamieboy]

At least one poster has said it, and I concur, she doesn't want sex with you. If she found herself in need of hooking a new man she'd be dtf all the time.

There is a reason she won't sleep with you, if I was to hazard a guess, you're either too needy, or you're not physically attractive to her anymore.

Both can be fixed, but its tricky to come back from that. More information needed I think

 

[She'sStillGotIt]

There is a reason she won't sleep with you, if I was to hazard a guess, you're either too needy....

Bingo.

That crap gets real old after a while. I dealt with this for years and do NOT miss it at all. Having a dog in heat constantly humping your leg and constantly wanting sex, and then pouting when he doesn't get it and acting like an angry 4-year-old the rest of the day gets REAL old REAL fast.

Wait til she gets to the point where she avoids touching you altogether, OP. It's going to get to a point where she knows anytime she does touch you, you're going to want it to progress to sex. I'm guessing that if your wife drops something on the floor, she'll kick it all the way to the nearest city to retrieve it rather than bend over in your house to pick it up.

 

[elliblue]

A big issue is that men get raised believing only the woman has to dress up and be attractive.
Look at movies and series. Ugly (fat) men with cute, good looking women.
If women would look as hidious like some men on teli they would less likely appear in any movie.

This leads to the believe of men that women have to offer serve them and just require some flowers to get going.
'Look babe, I am horny. I am rubbing you in your nice dress (you) looking like a delicate flower. Now spread your legs please. Why would you care about my ugly face, the hair growing out of my nose and my big belly?' ...
That is how it was propagated on teli for so long.

Luckily this has changed recently. Studies show that more men feel the pressure to hit the gym and take care of their appearance. 20 yrs ago it wasn't like that.
Things are improving for women.

You think if you would look like Chris Hemsworth she wouldn't care about sex???
Offer her something to look at and not just get naked with a bear belly looking like Homer Simpson.
Get fit, dress up. Surprise her in a James Bond look or a nice uniform.

Is there any public shop that is offer sexy lingery or things to dress up erotically for men????
No!
Just for women.

And a lot of women get bored, never exploring their full sexual experience potential ending up bored and uninteressted.

I think there is a certain degree that could be safed if all men would take care about how they look. If they would offer their wife something new and exciting to look at in the bedroom and not only drop their pants.

But there is a percentage of women who may be lost due to hormone changes.

Maybe your wife just gave up on sex, because no one ever did a great job on her.

There qere lne or several threads about women prefering dildos and porn over their husband as far as getting addicted.
Well, maybe because there is a lack of visual stimuli in the bed and als a lack of the right physical stimuli down there?

 

[SunCMars]

I have two eyes and I can see both sides of the problem.

He is right, she is right.

My two eyes and two cents say both are wrong.

Why?

Because neither OP or his wife is happy with the present intimacy situation.

We have his opinion, not hers.

And there, this sad sack of poop lies.

Sad lies and bad stinks.

OP has a full sack, and his wife has not done her 'splainin'.

I will not speculate further until I get her side of the story, from her side of the bed.

I am tired of guessing, and flatly frustrated.


Are Dee-

 

[Sisyphus11]

Don’t mope after not getting sex, it makes you look pathetic and it gives your wife power over you.

 

[SunCMars]

@russellgrand

Please do not leave after one post in your thread.

The accusations immediately started flying.
Some of the cold hearted Dudes and Babes quickly went and got the 2 x 4's.

Shame on them.

These things were highlighted.

1) Your wife does not find you attractive.

2) The average woman might not find you attractive.

3) Because you snore, you are likely very much overweight.

4) Women who do not want to have sex with their husbands (or men) who they feel are unattractive. do not want to be pawed over.
They hate it, too bad, so sad, for you.

5) Some women hate sex and intimacy, regardless of her partner, for a myriad of reasons.

What I outlined may be true, or not.
Set the record straight.

If you are overweight, that is solvable.

So are many of the other physical and behavior factors that turn women off.
Some of us can help you, but only if you are open.

And, only if you can get your wife to open up, on why she will not participate in marital relations.

 

[pauljohn29]

You are sat next to her on the sofa you are all relaxed. It is Friday night, no work tomorrow, child in bed, fresh from the shower. Get a drink for each of you.
Ask her how she is feeling. Listen. Ask her about her day. Tell her how you are feeling, you are horny and would she like to see?
If she says nothing or is affirmative, get yourself out and slowly masturbate.
She might watch, she might be disgusted, she might touch you. Continue till you cum.
Ask her what she thinks tell her what you want, just like we are not mind readers, women are not mind readers.
It has not worked for me yet, sex is still about once every couple of months, but i masturbate in front of her most weeks, and she will hold my balls and kiss me.
I can not break the lack of sex cycle but i get to cum and she joins in a little.
The other couple of times a week i want to cum, i do that on my own in the bathroom wishing she was joining me.
I would read all the books suggested and improve yourself for you. The more you like yourself the more she might be interested.
I have started my own journey to improve myself. For me and i hope at some point she takes more interest. If she does not then who knows where the journey will take me.
Good luck, do not give up, improve yourself, do it for you and keep communicating she might take more interest.

 

[hamadryad]

Like everyone else says, this is as common as chickens on a farm...And it sucks...

Any games needed to be played to get a basic biological/emotional human need met , is a fools pursuit....And scheduled sex is almost as bad as paid for sex.. if it isn't enthusiastically desired, it's about the same as scheduling cleaning the closets. .

Just because she(or anyone else for that matter) doesn't understand it, doesn't invalidate it...No more than me trying to minimize or tell a woman what or how she should feel when she is PMS'ed..

And let me dispel another mistruth...Not sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean much here...Think of all the times you had a bf/gf that lived in their own place, yet you effed like bunnies. On couches, in cars, in kitchens, whatever....These are two separate functions, and yes, a LOT of people have active sex lives and don't always actually sleep together, even when they share a home..Its not like night bad breath, snoring, drooling on a pillow, farting, or whatever a lot of people do in the process of their nightly routine is all that sexy anyway...I get that its typically the venue, but that's not likely the reason for disinterest...Hardly....

I get that being fit and in shape always does seem more appealing, but in most of these cases, the guy wasn't a gym fitness guy in general, and she married him for who he is...So now he has to be someone he isn't ? And how often we hear that women don't care as much about body/appearance as men do, Its more about "what's inside"... Isn't that the common trope? So all of a sudden this changed?? I say there is something wrong with that..;.I mean, when guys say a woman should lose weight to become more sexually appealing to their husbands, the angry mob attacks the hell out of the guy for being an insensitive d bag and they should just accept these women for who they are...Its crazy...

I dunno, OP.,,,My feeling based upon what you posted is the same as every other dope that comes around whining about this..I could just cut and paste it here...It more than likely will not get better and only get worse..What you are getting now(not much) is probably just done to get you off her back...You can easily test this theory...Just stop initiating, but don't do anything else differently...Act as if everything else is completely fine...Then see what happens...Dollars to donuts, she won't care and won't initiate...That will tell you all you need to know about the direction this is headed...Good luck...