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From personal experience either you or someone you know-why would a married man try to make a tinder profile

4K views 50 replies 21 participants last post by  Jodi was Blindsided. 
#1 ·
I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.

we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)

recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder

he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning

I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.

I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.

this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth
 
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#31 ·
My My oldest loved bugs. She tried to catch bees with her hand. The 1st couple of times she did this and got stung, I washed it, removed the stinger, kissed her boo boo, the whole 9 yd.



By the 5th time she tried to do this, I had no sympathy left. She knew what would happen when she picked up the be, and she did it anyway. She chose to get stung.
 
#45 ·
@sokillme - I welcome your honest and insightful comments- I know what I’ve done but needed to reflect on how I too have been so selfish in the marriage. My decisions were made out selfishness and desperation.

Oh - and my dad had a decades long affair with a women - he went back to his country every 2nd year for a vacation- but it was to be with her.

my mom found out when the OW called her to tell her he didn’t really love her (my mom) and the proof was the fact that he hadn’t lost his wedding ring on his previous vacation but had given it to her- ugh!


update for what it’s worth-I am still living at the farmhouse. I am surprising myself by how independent I’ve become. I am enjoying the peace. It has given me time to assess more clearly the impact my behavior has had on the marriage as well as how his behavior has effected me. Both were traumatic.

my kids have come to visit me and I have gone home a few times to visit them. It was my 60th birthday and they had a family only dinner for me which was nice. He bought me several gifts and asked me to stay but I didn’t. I actually couldn’t wait to go back to my refuge. We are working on renovating another old farmhouse (which we bought before this started) so we see each other most days but it is as a cooperative working relationship.

we have talked several times for hours on end About it but never are able to resolve anything. He texts me good morning and goodnight.... not sure if we will ever be able to move forward.

@sokillme - he has been bringing up my affair a lot when we talk and says he wished I’d never told him but also says I was a liar for not telling him- both true
Mostly he is sad because there was an emotional component to it- whereas whatever he’s done I guess.
I guess making no decision is making a decision for now-
 
#46 ·
- ( the decades long affair my dad had was with a different OW than the one in his 80’s...and when they were in their 70’s my mom said she was ok with him returning one more time to say his good byes (wtf?!) she was convinced he truly loved her and it was over....but he started Up with Someone new - she never knew about that one .
No wonder I have a warped version of marriage)
 
#47 ·
I would like to point out that you say (WTF) but you have put yourself in the exact same marriage. If you stay in this dynamic of limbo that you have now set up for yourself, a kind of marriage in the afternoon when he is around, is it really that hard to conceive that in 15 years you might not have a problem with him saying goodbye to the women he is seeing on the evenings he isn't spending with you? You know the one where it isn't emotional?

Do you think your husband really loves you even though he is on dating apps? Seems to me you might.
 
#49 ·
Yup I seem to be repeating a pattern here. I spent 5 years in IC and MC discussing that very fact- that i dont want to repeat the pattern....it is what I grew up with and witnessed.

There is a flip side to it that will be unpopular for me to point out- my mother always said that she asked herself "am i better off with him or without him?" when these things happened. She always decided she was better off with him. This was a choice. He did everything for her she didnt even know how to write a check. His behaviour was very kind and loving (except for that stuff) and when she was extremely sick for the last years of her life he looked after her. She didnt want to go into a hospice so he did all he could to honour her wishes and let her stay at home till the end. I cant imagine many men could or would have done what he did for her(he had cancer at the time and was often in great pain)

When he was dying he used to fall asleep by imagining them walking down this path at the resort they frequented, and then he would pick out their food, they'd sit down and eat and walk back to their room together....he said it was the one thing that made him feel happy and gave him comfort. He threw the OW's picture in the garbage and said she was "no-one"

Every couple has their own "marital contract". We can't even pretend to understand the complexities of a 60 year marriage. I have defiantely been influenced by their marriage in both good and bad ways. I saw cheating and forgiveness. I saw 2 severely flawed people that made a mostly happy life together-though it wasnt perfect or what we traditionally think of as successful. We all have a right to decide to stay or go regardless of the circumstances.

In the end I will ask my self that question. Am I better off with him or without him? Right now I am better off without him- but I can change my mind. I am also flawed and have behaved disgracefully in the marriage. I can't wave the flag and say what I did was less than what he has done. In many ways it was worse. It was calculated, done partially for entertainment and wanting my ego fed. I was pregnant with H's child through part of it. I behaved abhorently and the fact I am more self aware and able to protect the marriage from any further evils on my part doesnt take away from what I did. I did it. That knowledge will forever hurt and haunt him. I cant take my actions or words back.

He called me crying today. He is making all the usual promises and declarations of love- but I am stronger than I was and I will not be taken in by words again -only action. I dont know what those actions would have to be in order for me to move forward and try to R again. He has volunteered to GPS his car and phone, to leave his personal phone at home and give me his work phone when he comes home. He has said that he will go to IC and MC. He will retire at the end of the year and devote himself to making me happy yada yada yada....

The truth is I think that I cant go back if those are things I need to do to feel "safe". I would have to feel like I didnt need to do any of that... I'd have to be at that place my mom was where she felt so confident that she could let him go and say good bye. (of course in his case that all went out the window in a few years) My dad also said once that he wasnt sure what went on with the cuban masseuse and my mom but given her health issues he was glad she had something to give her purpose and make her happy. (I'm npt making this up) I also saw him yell and throw a purse the masseuse had give to my mom against the wall in a rage)

Bit of a ramble
I always envied my brother who lived in a black and white world- this was right- that was wrong
I live in a shades of grey world where I'm not so sure sometimes
 
#50 · (Edited)
I hate to be cynical, well not really. You guys always underestimate the honesty of cheaters Dad or not. My responses are in the quote.

Yup I seem to be repeating a pattern here. I spent 5 years in IC and MC discussing that very fact- that i dont want to repeat the pattern....it is what I grew up with and witnessed.

There is a flip side to it that will be unpopular for me to point out- my mother always said that she asked herself "am i better off with him or without him?" when these things happened. She always decided she was better off with him. This was a choice. He did everything for her she didnt even know how to write a check. His behaviour was very kind and loving (except for that stuff) and when she was extremely sick for the last years of her life he looked after her. She didnt want to go into a hospice so he did all he could to honour her wishes and let her stay at home till the end. I cant imagine many men could or would have done what he did for her(he had cancer at the time and was often in great pain)

How would she know she was never without him. If you want to say better the devil you know OK, but again she could have met someone who treated her great and thought enough of her not to cheat on her. Maybe taught her to write a check.

When he was dying he used to fall asleep by imagining them walking down this path at the resort they frequented, and then he would pick out their food, they'd sit down and eat and walk back to their room together....he said it was the one thing that made him feel happy and gave him comfort. He threw the OW's picture in the garbage and said she was "no-one"

And if the mistress was by he side he would have said the same thing about your Mom, that is how these guys are it's in their nature. And their not dumb what was he gonna say, "I miss my mistress the love of my life"? Then he wouldn't have anyone to eat with. Common...

Every couple has their own "marital contract". We can't even pretend to understand the complexities of a 60 year marriage. I have defiantely been influenced by their marriage in both good and bad ways. I saw cheating and forgiveness. I saw 2 severely flawed people that made a mostly happy life together-though it wasnt perfect or what we traditionally think of as successful. We all have a right to decide to stay or go regardless of the circumstances.

Never said you didn't. Besides my post was about you not them. You were the one who brought them up not me. I am just pointing out that you set yourself up in the same way with your husband. Now if your fine with that it's your life, but then why are you posting?

In the end I will ask my self that question. Am I better off with him or without him? Right now I am better off without him- but I can change my mind. I am also flawed and have behaved disgracefully in the marriage. I can't wave the flag and say what I did was less than what he has done. In many ways it was worse. It was calculated, done partially for entertainment and wanting my ego fed. I was pregnant with H's child through part of it. I behaved abhorently and the fact I am more self aware and able to protect the marriage from any further evils on my part doesnt take away from what I did. I did it. That knowledge will forever hurt and haunt him. I cant take my actions or words back.

Well the last part I think your right. Those in glass houses and all that. The first part is where you are wrong. You can't honestly ask yourself if you are better of without him until you lived for a time without him. You can assume but you have no idea. Again your life, but do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself at least. It's a better way to live, and make decisions.

He called me crying today. He is making all the usual promises and declarations of love- but I am stronger than I was and I will not be taken in by words again -only action. I dont know what those actions would have to be in order for me to move forward and try to R again. He has volunteered to GPS his car and phone, to leave his personal phone at home and give me his work phone when he comes home. He has said that he will go to IC and MC. He will retire at the end of the year and devote himself to making me happy yada yada yada....

The truth is I think that I cant go back if those are things I need to do to feel "safe". I would have to feel like I didnt need to do any of that... I'd have to be at that place my mom was where she felt so confident that she could let him go and say good bye. (of course in his case that all went out the window in a few years) My dad also said once that he wasnt sure what went on with the cuban masseuse and my mom but given her health issues he was glad she had something to give her purpose and make her happy. (I'm npt making this up) I also saw him yell and throw a purse the masseuse had give to my mom against the wall in a rage)

See you grew up around dysfunction so it's any wonder that you are kinda drawn to it in a way. You picked a man who gave you very much the marriage you were used to seeing.

Bit of a ramble
I always envied my brother who lived in a black and white world- this was right- that was wrong
I live in a shades of grey world where I'm not so sure sometimes

See now at least you are being honest. Except the part about envying your brother if you wanted to live his way you would.
 
#51 ·
I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.

we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)

recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder

he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning

I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.

I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.

this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth
My husband asked for a divorce today....and I found a tinder profile...I guess I know why he is leaving now. :(
 
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