Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 44 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,804 Posts
I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.

we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)

recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder

he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning

I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.

I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.

this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth
Nah he is checking out his options I think.

Sounds like maybe he was wandering or had a inappropriate crush on someone from work before (is that before he found out you cheated or after) if it was before it probably broke any loyalty he had left, it does for a lot of people. He is probably thinking why shouldn't I have my fun too, you say he has also cheated too right? He kissed other women during your marriage? That's the thing with this stuff, once the damage is done it's done. Sounds like it was done by both of you. Not trying to be hard on you just saying you both kind of played fast and loose.

Also sounds like you kept your affair secret for 20 years. In another post (I wanted some background) you say you admitted it mostly to hurt him if you are honest (your words). Not a good starting point for healing.

You say you went to counseling, how did that go, how much was about your relationship now, and this coworker. How much of the affair was discussed? Given what we normally read about counseling especially christian counseling (I am one but usually they don't have the tools and emphasis forgiveness WAY TOO SOON) I wonder if it was a good or a bad thing. Was told he was partly to blame for your affair? For a second let's assume he really was just friends with this coworker? So now he finds out his wife cheated on him and he lived a lie for 20 years and she is accusing him of having an affair on top of that? I mean that's a lot.

Have you always been OCD about his whereabouts? Sounds like it happened after the confession. Do you think that deep down maybe you were afraid because you knew you had broken the loyalty? I ask because usually people who cheat assume everyone else does. Then again he doesn't have a great track record either. How did you cheat by the way was it a long term affair, was the guy someone he knew, still in your life for a long time? All of this stuff can do damage.

One things for sure I don't think your marriage was as fixed as you think. He is probably hedging his bets and looking around for options because he probably isn't very happy after what happened. He should be honest about it though. It's sucks but it's hard to put the genie back in the box.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,641 Posts
I'm making no decisions right now because I dont have to - not for my mental health, not for my kids (they are adults and close enough by) and not out of financial need or loneliness. This kind of feels like a good space. I know people think I should leave him but I want to do what is best for me and it may not be divorce. It may be that this is enough.
Maybe we could just date. An MC once said she thought we'd be very happy living in separate houses and just getting together for a date/sex night 2x a week.
While that might work in some marriages, living separately leads to divorce in most that do it.

When a couple lives apart, over time the connection is lost.

Further, if you live separately, he's far more likely to follow through on finding others to date. After all, how would you find out?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,804 Posts
Thanks for the replies! Yes i am definately looking for a reason that i can live with I know- its just that 40 years is a looooong time and very difficult to throw away. I am still living at our farmhouse and he is staying with the kids in the city. He came up today and we talked for 4 hours. I have stated that I dont believe at all that he didnt do it. I said even if he doesnt remember doing it (and of course he does) that in that moment when he was doing it he had at the very least an intention to find some strange. I have no way of knowing whether he did or not.

That is the reality and I have to move forward with that amount of knowledge. He said he will give me his phones and passwords (which i already know) and I can gps him (which i already do). He said he would go back to counselling and retire at the end of this year. He refers to all the fun we have together and how he loves me blah blah blah. He says he is a good person who has a problem with lying. He says he is trying to change that.(hasnt worked so far)

I must admit that aside from this creepy bullshit we have a good life, great kids, and have a lot of fun together- the kind where we laugh so hard together we cry. A couple of years ago we stripped naked at the farm and walked the road We were caught by the people who live in the other side of the house when they came home unexpectadly. Yes there was wine involved...... we enjoy each others company. If you had asked me a year ago I would have said that given the choice he would rather golf with me, play pool with me, have a beer with me, and cuddle with me over anything else in the world......but now ... hes go a hankering for some strange....

I could not start over and have that 40 year history. Besides the A I had 25 years ago I have never really found any other man to be appealing to me. I'm not bad for my age but the 60 year old guys want the 40 year olds. Its the 70 and 80 year old guys that think a 60 year old is a good catch. I'm not interested in nursing any time soon.

I am leaning towards staying up here for as long as I feel like I want to. My kids can visit, my dog can visit. I am happy with my chickens and farm beasties. I get up and have coffee by the fire pit and watch the animals and the sunrise. I look over at the pond and see geese flying overhead. The smell is heavenly and the privacy is just what I need. (there are 2 people who live in a separate apt in the house so I am never scared at night. I don't feel lonely.

I feel somewhat detached from him- like I dont really know him and maybe never did. I have been very codependant in the past and along with the relationship OCD it has been unhealthy with extreme highs and lows. So this feels like less drama, more independence, and less concern for him, his where abouts and activities.

I'm making no decisions right now because I dont have to - not for my mental health, not for my kids (they are adults and close enough by) and not out of financial need or loneliness. This kind of feels like a good space. I know people think I should leave him but I want to do what is best for me and it may not be divorce. It may be that this is enough.
Maybe we could just date. An MC once said she thought we'd be very happy living in separate houses and just getting together for a date/sex night 2x a week.

So I'll just carry on for now I guess?
Not for nothing, but you had an affair, he forgave you and gave you a second chance. Personally I don't think your marriage was in near as good a shape as you thought it was. I think you really don't get the implications of learning that you were living a lie for 20 years. Having your agency stolen from you by your spouse. That is a pretty deep wound and having some close times with them afterwords doesn't necessarily mean forgiveness and healing.

That being said he also has done some really hurtful things to you in the past too. You both seem to have this history. This is an ongoing dynamic of your relationship.

If you stay I suggest you get some full time counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity and you deal with yours and this of which we don't really know the scale yet. It could be he was playing around on the site and that is all or it could be he is out having dates and full on cheating.

Like I said in my last post the damage was already done years before and you shouldn't discount that because you got some counseling. You don't even know he full on cheated and look how it's affected your life. Well you did cheat and hid it for years, no wonder he is flailing. Not to mention what you life might have been like at those times or if he always had suspicion. I think your well within your rights to leave but I do think you actions bare some responsibility in the marriage problems.

The bottom line from reading your post, infidelity of one sort of another has been a part of your marriage from both of you for a long time. You both need to deal with that if you want to try to salvage what you have left.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
814 Posts
He’s full of crap!

stay at that farm house a long long time. Have yourself a nice little reprieve from all his lies.

so he has a lying problem? So there’s NO way to trust him. He’s never earned your trust back? Well then, there’s no way to have a solid foundation for this marriage.

you have no way to make this right... or rather him. He was on there checking things out. It doesn’t matter if he loaded a picture - people post fake photos all the time! Married men go On dating sites often - under false identity - to get new and exciting sex.

he’s not trustworthy and it’s a waste of your time chasing his *truth.

life is too short to be wondering all the time if the gal you bump into at the market is the gal screwing your husband!

take him for half of what he’s got and go on any vacation you want whenever you feel like it!

maintain solid relationships with your kids and start dating a man that’s worthy of trusting.

and stop trying to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to think of ways to make him happier! Some men cheat! And when It’s a man like that you don’t want to be the fool married to him!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
How embarrased will you be when knowledge of his proclivities becomes public knowledge? What if he falls for someone else? Will you deal with that when the time comes, rather than try to prevent it?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,061 Posts
Yes, our stories have always had similarities. What you are living, I lived. I finally felt for my sanity that leaving an 40-something year marriage was the solution. You’re a different story. I’ve felt for a very long time that you would stay because you still love him and don’t feel you can be happy without him. Better the devil you know, etc.

The problem is that you only know the side of him that he wants you to know. You know that he loves you and doesn’t want a divorce. But there’s another side to him that’s a risk-taker who likes to see what he can get away with when it comes to other women. IMO, there’s a lot you’ll never know (true for me as well). He knows better, he knows how you feel about it, but he loves that rush too much.

You have to come to terms with that since you want to stay. He’ll likely be on his best behavior for awhile now that he’s been caught but sooner or later he’ll slip again. It’s who he is.

I wish the very best for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,513 Posts
@NJ2 as long as you are content with the set up you mention then go for it. However, you H may not want that? Why does he live in town with the kids? Seems odd if kids are already adults? It’s a bummer having spent so long with someone they pull this crap. So people when faced with their mortality think chasing younger skirt will somehow delay the ageing process and they’ve still got it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,061 Posts
You do know never to trust him, right? Liars on that scale don’t change. It usually goes back to their childhood and is deeply engrained in them. My ex-husband promised endless times over the decades that he would stop lying but he didn’t. I’m not sure he could have. I don’t think your husband will either. The thrill of getting away with stuff is too strong.

He’s in full damage-control mode now. He’ll promise you whatever he thinks it will take so you won’t divorce him. But don’t ever believe him and never let down your guard. It’s the price you‘ll have to pay for staying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
814 Posts
I divorced my exH after being with him almost 30 years. He pretended to be the perfect husband to my face but didn’t know how to resist women who flirted with him.

he just didn’t know how to be faithful.

I don’t regret divorcing him. I can see he’s now cheating on his wife he’s married to now. She monitors him the way you do your husband - and my exH just gets around her monitoring him... he just likes being married - but not faithful.

I think he actually gets a thrill out of pulling a fast one over on who he is married to.

he was never sorry he cheated - he was only sorry he got caught.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
171 Posts
Checking out an an old friend is what Facebook is for. Any record of him paying for a Tinder upgrade membership?

It is not a good sign that he is on Tinder but maybe his brother both signed up as a dumb guy thing. We all know Tinder is for NSA sex. Like all dating apps there are different levels, with the free version you sign up and can pretty much only look. They want your money if you want to actually meet people. Some say about 75-85% of the women on dating apps are fake bots with the intention convincing the guys to cough up the $$.

Years ago while drinking and watching tv I was convinced by a female friend to sign up with an app, she received like 100 + messages a day when she had a pic wearing a red leather motorcycle riding suit, after she deleted that she still got 30-40 per day. in a month I received 6 and pretty sure 4 were bots.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
My My oldest loved bugs. She tried to catch bees with her hand. The 1st couple of times she did this and got stung, I washed it, removed the stinger, kissed her boo boo, the whole 9 yd.



By the 5th time she tried to do this, I had no sympathy left. She knew what would happen when she picked up the be, and she did it anyway. She chose to get stung.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,804 Posts
He’s done his share of very questionable stuff. The difference is he has lied about it and she has admitted what she did.
Um COME ON after decades, that's decades where she took away his agency and she specifically said in another post she told him to hurt him. Sorry she ain't no saint here either, this isn't someone who was racked with guilt who confessed the next day. Who knows how that soured their marriage or if OP's husband had his doubts the whole time. Did it last for years, was this guy around all the time? Maybe for a large part of the marriage this other guy was in the middle of it. We have no idea. (Partly because finding the post she started on this new site is too much effort.)

I think it's really unfair to act like her cheating wasn't a big part of the problem in the grand scheme of things just because she wasn't the last one to do it. Sorry that is a load of crap too.

I am sure there is plenty of blame to go around here and if OP's husband got on here and told his side of the story it wouldn't seem so one sided. I wouldn't be surprised if boundaries haven't been pushed on both sides the whole time. Hell if HE got on here first right after she confessed we would be telling him pretty much what we are telling her right now. Leave and and move on.

Frankly they seem to be on the same wave length for most of their marriage. It's a blessing that at least they were married to each other since both didn't hold fidelity as any value, at the very least this spared someone innocent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,977 Posts
Um COME ON after decades, that's decades where she took away his agency and she specifically said in another post she told him to hurt him. Sorry she ain't no saint here either, this isn't someone who was racked with guilt who confessed the next day. Who knows how that soured their marriage or if OP's husband had his doubts the whole time. Did it last for years, was this guy around all the time? Maybe for a large part of the marriage this other guy was in the middle of it. We have no idea. (Partly because finding the post she started on this new site is too much effort.)

I think it's really unfair to act like her cheating wasn't a big part of the problem in the grand scheme of things just because she wasn't the last one to do it. Sorry that is a load of crap too.

I am sure there is plenty of blame to go around here and if OP's husband got on here and told his side of the story it wouldn't seem so one sided. I wouldn't be surprised if boundaries haven't been pushed on both sides the whole time. Hell if HE got on here first right after she confessed we would be telling him pretty much what we are telling her right now. Leave and and move on.

Frankly they seem to be on the same wave length for most of their marriage. It's a blessing that at least they were married to each other since both didn't hold fidelity as any value, at the very least this spared someone innocent.
I've followed this and she had one time bad choice that I don't believe even went the distance once.

He has never been straight and has been playing for decades.

If they agreed to reconcile, which they both did, he doesn't get to keep playing, which he did.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,061 Posts
I've followed this and she had one time bad choice that I don't believe even went the distance once.

He has never been straight and has been playing for decades.

If they agreed to reconcile, which they both did, he doesn't get to keep playing, which he did.
Thanks for saying it better than I was about to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,804 Posts
I've followed this and she had one time bad choice that I don't believe even went the distance once.

He has never been straight and has been playing for decades.

If they agreed to reconcile, which they both did, he doesn't get to keep playing, which he did.
Maybe but she hid it for decades. Sorry you don't get to play the high rode when you do that. If she came clean right away I might agree. Besides that how much happened before she got there. This doesn't mean she hasn't tried to be a good wife following that but as we always say around here as long as the affair is hidden you ares still in the affair to some extent. It's still years of lying and taking away the agency of ones spouse.

I believe she is very remorseful about that and she doesn't deserve to be disrespected the way she has. But I we shouldn't act like she didn't contribute to the issues in the marriage.

Look I'm not saying he is blameless, I also don't doubt that she is very remorseful about it now, I am just saying there are no angles in this story.
 
21 - 40 of 44 Posts
Top