Nah he is checking out his options I think.I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.
we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)
recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder
he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning
I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.
I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.
this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth
Sounds like maybe he was wandering or had a inappropriate crush on someone from work before (is that before he found out you cheated or after) if it was before it probably broke any loyalty he had left, it does for a lot of people. He is probably thinking why shouldn't I have my fun too, you say he has also cheated too right? He kissed other women during your marriage? That's the thing with this stuff, once the damage is done it's done. Sounds like it was done by both of you. Not trying to be hard on you just saying you both kind of played fast and loose.
Also sounds like you kept your affair secret for 20 years. In another post (I wanted some background) you say you admitted it mostly to hurt him if you are honest (your words). Not a good starting point for healing.
You say you went to counseling, how did that go, how much was about your relationship now, and this coworker. How much of the affair was discussed? Given what we normally read about counseling especially christian counseling (I am one but usually they don't have the tools and emphasis forgiveness WAY TOO SOON) I wonder if it was a good or a bad thing. Was told he was partly to blame for your affair? For a second let's assume he really was just friends with this coworker? So now he finds out his wife cheated on him and he lived a lie for 20 years and she is accusing him of having an affair on top of that? I mean that's a lot.
Have you always been OCD about his whereabouts? Sounds like it happened after the confession. Do you think that deep down maybe you were afraid because you knew you had broken the loyalty? I ask because usually people who cheat assume everyone else does. Then again he doesn't have a great track record either. How did you cheat by the way was it a long term affair, was the guy someone he knew, still in your life for a long time? All of this stuff can do damage.
One things for sure I don't think your marriage was as fixed as you think. He is probably hedging his bets and looking around for options because he probably isn't very happy after what happened. He should be honest about it though. It's sucks but it's hard to put the genie back in the box.