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I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.

we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)

recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder

he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning

I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.

I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.

this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth
 

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he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk
That is a load of bullshit.

No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently "check out" a girl they hadn't seen in years. If they want to **** said girl, then sure, but just to "take a peak"? No.

No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently talk to someone because they are bored. Sure, they may join Tinder to talk to girls but it's for one thing. NSA sex, or an ego boost.

It's possible your husband downloaded the app, maybe talked to someone or got his ego boost, then had second thoughts and deleted it before doing anything physical or getting too far down the EA path. Or it's possible he's had or having an EA or PA. What's not possible (okay, fine, what's highly unlikely) is him doing it just to "check-up" on or innocently "talk" to women.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I agree he was not likely in there to make a new “friend”

im not sure about the checking out an old flingor whatever- I have on occasion looked up an old bf from high school or university just out of curiosity- wonder what they look like now- how did their life turn out... but I never messaged them or had any intent to

he’s a real ****ing asshole if he was looking to hook up with someone old or new

I’m just not sure if it’s worth ending my marriage and a good life if he was just being curious- the night before he’d gone to his brothers house and they were drinking quite a bit- his brother and wife were in a fight and she’d gone to a bar leaving him angry and jealous at home....

the story I tell myself is maybe they were drunk and stupid tried to get in but didn’t or did and it was for an ego boost or a laugh.... not sure how likely that is

no apps were on or deleted off his phone- I checked in his iCloud - I monitor him in rediculously detailed ways- some of which he knows about- he says why would he put that info under his contacts when he knows I look at his phone- good point

I think it’s possible he meant to remove it and forgot- I don’t think there’s any way anyone can add a contact to an iPhone without them knowing/giving their phone?

I called a counselor and he said some men when they are older go on these sites for ego boosts , sexual titalation - or out of boredom , curiosity etc without intent to meet up

I still would be devastated if he was doing that- he’s never watched porn that I’m aware of even though I said I’d watch soft core stuff with him if he wanted to. I also told him a couple of years ago if there was anything he wanted to experiment with I’d be willing to consider it but he said he was happy with our sex life
 

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I'm going to be blunt. Your husband is giving you a load of horse ****.

Even if those scenarios he told you were true, that's not how to behave in a marriage, especially one that's in R. He's ON TINDER for chrissake. It's a booty call app. Cliche much?

I'm sorry you are being put through the wringer again.
 

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Of course, it isn’t innocent. But you’ll never know the truth just as you don’t know the truth from the other incidents. It’s something you accepted then when you decided to stay. And it’s something you’ll either accept or not this time. I’ve thought from the beginning that he does what he thinks he can get away with He’s never wanted a divorce and still doesn’t. That doesn’t mean he’s faithful. I’m sorry.
 

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I’m definitely biased because I’ve never liked what I’ve heard of your husband in the past. I admit when you decided to reconcile after he refused to redo the poly that I felt you’d be back one day because he cheated and you finally had the proof you need to divorce him. Maybe this is it. Maybe not. At minimum, he’s dishonest and always has been. You just don’t how far he went this time. And the not knowing is what kills you. I know too well how that feels. My husband denied to the end he’d been unfaithful. They were “just friends” he said. I’ll never know All he did over the decades but I finally decided a life without him was less stressful than one with him. I’m going to be blunt. I think you’ll keep him because the pain of losing him is greater than the pain of living with the uncertainty of what he does. That’s a hard life.
 

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People don’t go on Tinder, of all places, to talk. Or look. They’re there to hook up. Don’t ever believe otherwise.

The counselor is completely clueless if he thinks married men are on Tinder for any other reason than sex. Some other dating app? Just to look? Maybe (doubtful). Tinder? Not a chance.
 

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No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently "check out" a girl they hadn't seen in years. If they want to **** said girl, then sure, but just to "take a peak"? No.

No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently talk to someone because they are bored.
Agreed. They'd probably use facebook for more innocent curiosity, and not hide it.
 

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People don’t go on Tinder, of all places, to talk. Or look. They’re there to hook up. Don’t ever believe otherwise.

The counselor is completely clueless if he thinks married men are on Tinder for any other reason than sex. Some other dating app? Just to look? Maybe (doubtful). Tinder? Not a chance.
Even I don't use Tinder, and I'm in an open marriage!
 

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I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.

we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)

recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder

he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning

I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.

I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.

this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth
I don't know your husband's intentions but I have heard of some men going on tinder just to see if they were still desirable to women. I have often wondered if anyone would swipe for me (not sure if it's right or left to show interest). That being said I'm married and would never do it because I know it would hurt my wife. Good luck
 

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@NJ2,

Is there any way that you could try logging into tinder has him and then click that you forgot your password. Then it will send a change password link. Change password and access his account.

It might be interesting also see if the change password email goes to an email of his you know about or if it goes to some other email. If it does not show up in the email account of his that you know about then he's got a secret email account. (Can you tell I've lived through this? ...just not with tinder

I've never been on tinder. Does it keep a history of people a user has been in contact with?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thanks for all your responses-you are telling me what I already know in my heart.

I will try to log on to tinder under his name and see what happens. If he has any brain at all I’d expect he’s deleted his account by now though

I actually believe he never completed his profile- I think he started one and got to the part where he had to add his picture and stopped- you have to add a pic in order to complete your profile and access it

I think he stopped because he is well known in the community and would have been easily recognized- chances are maybe someone would have seen him and told me

ego boost or fantasy without intent? That’s what I’m trying to figure out how likely it is- not right either way but that would be the lesser of 2 evils I guess

he’s early 60’s and had to stop playing a sport that was a part of his identity in a very positive way when all this crap started - he is in 2 sports hall of fames- he had been continuing to play up until almost 60 1-2 times a week.losing that meant he lost some self confidence, perhaps started feeling older, gained some weight and was less in shape than before... he’s still very good looking and not in bad shape for his age- looks 15 years younger than he is

So I don’t know- how likely would it be he was just looking under those circumstances?
The counselor said he is used to the adrenaline rush, Friendships, and anxiety /energy release of the sport
And without that he may have been looking to fill that void innocently- or not
@Openminded I think about you often - your experience is always in the back of my head

you are correct the pain of losing not just him but my whole life - and trying to start over at this point is a lonely and terrifying thought

plus I have the parental example where both parents had multiple affairs but were married for over 60 years- my dad had at least an ea well into his 80’s
 

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It doesn't really matter if his profile is complete or not....or why he's on Tinder or any other dating platform.

the very fact that he is WILLING to CHEAT ...the means or form or way is less important. He cheating has started from the moment it crosses his mind to look somewhere else outside the marriage.
 

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...he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk......
So the fairy tale he's trying to sell you - the one where he insists he's innocent and has NO idea how that awful scammer/hacker/troublemaker was able to download Tinder AND have his login confirmation number sent to his phone - is what he's stickin' to? 😁

the story I tell myself is maybe they were drunk and stupid tried to get in but didn’t or did and it was for an ego boost or a laugh.... not sure how likely that is
That MIGHT work - but you said the Tinder confirmation code was sent on a Saturday MORNING around 10 am. Is it a habit of his to already be drunk by 10 am on Saturday mornings?

he’s never watched porn that I’m aware of even though I said I’d watch soft core stuff with him if he wanted to.
LOL. Of course he has. You just don't know about it.

The counselor is completely clueless.
LOL...most of them are.

OP, I'm reading comments from other posters here about your husband's questionable behavior in the past, so I think you're fooling yourself trying to believe that maybe he was drunk when he made the profile or that he's trying to get 'thrills' through Tinder now that he had to give up his sport (according to your therapist). It sounds as though you're trying your level best to find a reason you can live with because you don't want to lose 40 years. I get it. I do.

The guy is itchin' to get himself some strange and you'll either have to accept it (becuase it's going to happen whether you try to stop him or not) or you can leave him.

Dragging him to a therapist isn't going to CHANGE the fact that he's craving sexual variety. Your marriage having a satisfying sex life isn't going to change the fact that he craves sexual variety. I'm not sticking up for him, I'm just being REALISTIC.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks for the replies! Yes i am definately looking for a reason that i can live with I know- its just that 40 years is a looooong time and very difficult to throw away. I am still living at our farmhouse and he is staying with the kids in the city. He came up today and we talked for 4 hours. I have stated that I dont believe at all that he didnt do it. I said even if he doesnt remember doing it (and of course he does) that in that moment when he was doing it he had at the very least an intention to find some strange. I have no way of knowing whether he did or not.

That is the reality and I have to move forward with that amount of knowledge. He said he will give me his phones and passwords (which i already know) and I can gps him (which i already do). He said he would go back to counselling and retire at the end of this year. He refers to all the fun we have together and how he loves me blah blah blah. He says he is a good person who has a problem with lying. He says he is trying to change that.(hasnt worked so far)

I must admit that aside from this creepy bullshit we have a good life, great kids, and have a lot of fun together- the kind where we laugh so hard together we cry. A couple of years ago we stripped naked at the farm and walked the road We were caught by the people who live in the other side of the house when they came home unexpectadly. Yes there was wine involved...... we enjoy each others company. If you had asked me a year ago I would have said that given the choice he would rather golf with me, play pool with me, have a beer with me, and cuddle with me over anything else in the world......but now ... hes go a hankering for some strange....

I could not start over and have that 40 year history. Besides the A I had 25 years ago I have never really found any other man to be appealing to me. I'm not bad for my age but the 60 year old guys want the 40 year olds. Its the 70 and 80 year old guys that think a 60 year old is a good catch. I'm not interested in nursing any time soon.

I am leaning towards staying up here for as long as I feel like I want to. My kids can visit, my dog can visit. I am happy with my chickens and farm beasties. I get up and have coffee by the fire pit and watch the animals and the sunrise. I look over at the pond and see geese flying overhead. The smell is heavenly and the privacy is just what I need. (there are 2 people who live in a separate apt in the house so I am never scared at night. I dont feel lonely.

I feel somewhat detached from him- like I dont really know him and maybe never did. I have been very codependant in the past and along with the relationship OCD it has been unhealthy with extreme highs and lows. So this feels like less drama, more independence, and less concern for him, his where abouts and activities.

I'm making no decisions right now because I dont have to - not for my mental health, not for my kids (they are adults and close enough by) and not out of financial need or loneliness. This kind of feels like a good space. I know people think I should leave him but I want to do what is best for me and it may not be divorce. It may be that this is enough.
Maybe we could just date. An MC once said she thought we'd be very happy living in separate houses and just getting together for a date/sex night 2x a week.

So I'll just carry on for now I guess?
 
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