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Friends with an OW?

3569 Views 36 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  hotsthrnmess, 
hotsthrnmess
*This is a long one!*

Hello, everyone! This is my first post (I've lurked on here, however) and I appreciate any insight. I'm pretty sure of my decision, but outside advice wouldn't hurt either. Also, if this is in the wrong forum or a repeat of other threads, I'm sorry!

I was a BS and left my then-fiancé a few months shy of our wedding. I thank God I did, as I'm still young (in my 20's) and have a lot of life ahead of me.

I have a "friend," who I'll call 'K' for the sake of this post. I've known her for a good deal of time. She's very fun to hang out with, we share lots of things in common, and we've always enjoyed each other's company. She doesn't have many girlfriends so we've gotten close (she's told me I'm like a sister to her).

Here's my issue: K had been talking about a guy who she is involved with that she really adores and is in love with. They have been going out for around 6+ months, and I have never met him. She would tell me all about their love life, their dates and what not, but all I really found out about him was his first name. I thought it was weird, since we were friends, that she didn't tell me anything else about him. Like I said, nothing more than his name.

Then, after me continuously trying for more details about this mystery guy, she finally told me that he was married! Obviously, as you'd guess, I was shocked and disappointed. Of all people, I never expected her to be an OW. After all, she was there for me when my ex cheated and pretty much witness all of the crap he and the (crazy) OW put me through.

As soon as she told me that, I advised her to end the relationship, for a number of reasons that I'm sure y'all can come up with. She went into hyper-defensive mode, which I guess I should've expected, and fed me all the lines that 'he wasn't happy with his wife, blah blah' and said she loved him and wouldn't leave him, that they were soul mates, I wouldn't understand (darn right, not my thing) and so on.

Like I said, I keep telling her that having that relationship is wrong (in my eyes, at least) and is only headed toward a fiery collision and that it was best to end it but she won't budge. I've even tried hooking her up with single men, yet she refuses.

At this point, I am slowly cutting off contact with her. I know she senses this and is asking me why. I've told her that I don't approve of her relationship, and while I understand that I have no control over what she does, I don't want to be in any kind of friendship with someone like her (an OW).

She thinks that I'm not being a good friend to her/supportive, and that I should suck up my feelings to be there for her. Thing is, I can't, especially after my experience as a BS. She of all people, had seen what I went through, and for her to become the OW and ask me to support her relationship was a slap in the face.

We've had a great friendship/history together, and I'm kind of sad that it's all going to be thrown away because she is being so destructive to herself as an OW and to the BS & WS's family. I can't see myself friends with her if she continues like this (and she's made it clear that that's her plan), but at the same time, I'm sure I'll miss her and the fun we've had.

I guess, really, I'm looking for reassurance that I'm making the right choice by ending our friendship. She doesn't have very many girlfriends, so if/when sh*t hits the fan, should I reach out to her?

Blah, I don't even know why I'm entertaining the thought of being friend's with an OW, especially after my own experience.

Would any of you (BS's) ever be friends with one?

Thanks for any help!

(I'm sorry if this was hard to follow/too long, I'm not too good at relaying information)

- Hotsthrnmess
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thesunwillcomeout
You are definitely doing the right thing. But let her know why --- essentially what you've just written. That because you yourself experienced the pain of infidelity that you can in no way support it in any form. Remind her of how she supported you. Though she may not want to hear it, also tell her she may be being played by the WS. It's very likely his wife is clueless and he's just taking advantage of your friend. Tell her that if the relationship doesn't work out (when it doesn't) that you will be there not to say "I told you so" but to be her friend and encourage her towards taking the right steps towards healing and never doing it again. (Or whatever your words are.) But let her know that when the mierd_ hits the fan you'll be there for her......Hopefully she'll learn from it.

Geez....this exact thing happened with my sister. Her best friend helped her catch her husband right in the beginning of an affair....and then her bf ended up doing the same thing. My sister told her that she was going to get burned, spurned, etc and that there was no way for it to work out well. She reminded her that she (her bf) had helped her bust open her husband's blooming affair, and it stopped it. Sure enough my sister's bf lost her sterling reputation all for a pipe dream. The OM went back to his wife and my sister's bf is alone and suffering from social ostracization. Very sad.

Again, you're doing the right thing.
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A
If your friends actions don't mesh with you boundaries and standards, and as a betrayed woman yourself it doesn't sound like she does, then I think you're making the right decision to drop her as a friend. Whether she will admit it or not, she knows what she's doing wrong yet she does it anyway for her own selfish reasons.

What if in the future, you find someone else you love and want to create a life with and she decides she is also "soul mates" (how I hate that phrase) with him?

In short, she's not trustworthy so dump the friend.
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KanDo
Cut this person out of your life.
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hotsthrnmess
Thank you for the answers so far! This was probably a dumb question to ask, anyway, kind of a no-brainer? Oh well, but I honestly know she needs to go and having your outside advice/opinions helps.
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walkonmars
If she came to you and confessed to being a meth-head and expected you to support her would you? Give her that analogy. Tell her both are destructive activities. The meth-head thinks meth is the best thing in the world and enhances experiences. You would do all in your power to get her off the meth pipe. But if she refused you would not remain friends

. Because friends don't automatically support whatever the other person wants. A real friend looks out for the best interest and doesn't blindly support any and all activities.

Tell her you'll welcome her back when she gets her head together. Tell her your last piece of advice as 'a friend' is that cheaters rarely change so you'll be there when he cheats on her - but not before.

Find a better class of friend.
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hotsthrnmess
adv said:
If your friends actions don't mesh with you boundaries and standards, and as a betrayed woman yourself it doesn't sound like she does, then I think you're making the right decision to drop her as a friend. Whether she will admit it or not, she knows what she's doing wrong yet she does it anyway for her own selfish reasons.

What if in the future, you find someone else you love and want to create a life with and she decides she is also "soul mates" (how I hate that phrase) with him?

In short, she's not trustworthy so dump the friend.
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Hopefully, I'm replying to you ADV, but you're exactly right. It's funny when you have to hear an outside person tell you the exact same thing you've told yourself in order for it to sink in, in a way.

Her actions definitely don't mesh with mine, so on that basis alone, I should let her go. I just almost feel bad (I don't know any other word to describe it) because like I said, she has no other close girlfriends to talk to and when this all falls apart, and I know it will, she won't have anyone left (I doubt anyone else would approve).

Also, bingo! Not trustworthy at all!
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hotsthrnmess
thesunwillcomeout said:
You are definitely doing the right thing. But let her know why --- essentially what you've just written. That because you yourself experienced the pain of infidelity that you can in no way support it in any form. Remind her of how she supported you. Though she may not want to hear it, also tell her she may be being played by the WS. It's very likely his wife is clueless and he's just taking advantage of your friend. Tell her that if the relationship doesn't work out (when it doesn't) that you will be there not to say "I told you so" but to be her friend and encourage her towards taking the right steps towards healing and never doing it again. (Or whatever your words are.) But let her know that when the mierd_ hits the fan you'll be there for her......Hopefully she'll learn from it.

Geez....this exact thing happened with my sister. Her best friend helped her catch her husband right in the beginning of an affair....and then her bf ended up doing the same thing. My sister told her that she was going to get burned, spurned, etc and that there was no way for it to work out well. She reminded her that she (her bf) had helped her bust open her husband's blooming affair, and it stopped it. Sure enough my sister's bf lost her sterling reputation all for a pipe dream. The OM went back to his wife and my sister's bf is alone and suffering from social ostracization. Very sad.

Again, you're doing the right thing.
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Thank you for your advice, thesunwillcomeout! (I love your name, btw) I'm sorry this all happened to your sister! Hopefully she's doing much better :)

But yeah, I just need to let her go right now, and if she falls, I can say I tried. There's only so much I can tolerate, and this is definitely it. Hopefully by the time this is over, and she's realized the mess she's made and has learned from it, I can be in a place where I'll welcome her back as a friend. I don't know though, because I would always wonder if I could trust her, ya know?

But it is definitely time for me to let her go.
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hotsthrnmess
KanDo said:
Cut this person out of your life.
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Thank you, I will be doing that :)
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warlock07
Tell her why you are cutting her off and ask her to think a bit on why you would do it to someone as close as her.

And you will welcome her back once she ends it.
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MrMathias
You're clearly a good friend, don't worry about that at all. You know from personal experience that she's heading down a terrible path, and you tried to stop her.
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hotsthrnmess
walkonmars said:
If she came to you and confessed to being a meth-head and expected you to support her would you? Give her that analogy. Tell her both are destructive activities. The meth-head thinks meth is the best thing in the world and enhances experiences. You would do all in your power to get her off the meth pipe. But if she refused you would not remain friends

. Because friends don't automatically support whatever the other person wants. A real friend looks out for the best interest and doesn't blindly support any and all activities.

Tell her you'll welcome her back when she gets her head together. Tell her your last piece of advice as 'a friend' is that cheaters rarely change so you'll be there when he cheats on her - but not before.

Find a better class of friend.
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Thanks, I liked the analogy, makes sense and can probably help her understand where I'm coming from.

Btw, she's the only friend that is like that. All of my other girlfriends are great and I couldn't see them being like this!
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S
We are validly judged by the company we choose to keep. Your so called friend is not a person of integrity or one with high morals. She wants you to accept her choosing to be the OW because it validates her low morals.

You are doing the right thing.

I would advise you try to find who the OM is and expose it to his wife. She has amoral right to know.
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hotsthrnmess said:
Thanks, I liked the analogy, makes sense and can probably help her understand where I'm coming from.

Btw, she's the only friend that is like that. All of my other girlfriends are great and I couldn't see them being like this!
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You won't ever succeed in convincing her that she is doing something wrong and immortal. That would be her accepting she is making bad choices.
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hotsthrnmess
Shaggy said:
We are validly judged by the company we choose to keep. Your so called friend is not a person of integrity or one with high morals. She wants you to accept her choosing to be the OW because it validates her low morals.

You are doing the right thing.

I would advise you try to find who the OM is and expose it to his wife. She has amoral right to know.
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Thanks, and I agree, I think the OM's wife deserves to know the truth. If I find out any more information and am able to relay it to her, I will.
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hotsthrnmess
DrMathias said:
You're clearly a good friend, don't worry about that at all. You know from personal experience that she's heading down a terrible path, and you tried to stop her.
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Thank you. It's hard not to worry about her however I am realizing that I am a good friend, and have been so to her. I've tried to get her out of this situation (although too far in), but if she doesn't want it, I can't stop her.
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hotsthrnmess
warlock07 said:
Tell her why you are cutting her off and ask her to think a bit on why you would do it to someone as close as her.

And you will welcome her back once she ends it.
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Thing is, I have tried to tell her. Even though I was a BS, I've let her know that what she is doing will not only hurt the BS & family in her situation, but hurt herself as well and she won't listen. Ah, so frustrating!
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hotsthrnmess said:
Thing is, I have tried to tell her. Even though I was a BS, I've let her know that what she is doing will not only hurt the BS & family in her situation, but hurt herself as well and she won't listen. Ah, so frustrating!
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Therein lies your problem. She won't listen. She isn't the friend (to you) that you thought she was.

I am (or was) friends with an OW. Her story is a bit different from yours in that her OM is single (divorced) but living with a woman who he claims it is all but over. The couple fights alot (or so he claims). She then leaves him and visits with her family on weekends (thus leaving the APs together, etc.) and my friend knew this man back when they both were children, as they were neighbors, They had a "history".

The difference between your story and mine is that my friend did in fact listen to me. She acknowledged (finally) that he was cheater, and he was cheating on the woman who he was living with. How does that make her feel? Second best, perhaps? Booty call and nothing more? Where was this headed? Has the girlfriend left yet? No? Is she willing to be at his beck and call behind this woman who lives with him that she knows nothing about?

Finally, she saw the light. She didn't like being the OW. Second best. Booty call. He won't even take her out to dinner. Be seen in public with her. Call her (or she call him) when the urge comes upon either of them. This was their life and it is over because she finally realizes how degrading being an OW can be. Can you friend face that same reality?

If your friend can have that sort of conversation and still remain an OW, then you really don't need someone like in your life. She is no friend. However, if you can drag her out of the fog and let her see the light of day again, it will be nice to know that you have a friend that listens.

Either way, good luck to you.
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alte Dame
This has happened to me three times in my life, each one with a different outcome:

First - A good friend, newly divorced, gleefully told me that she was planning to meet an old bf on his next business trip and sleep with him. They'd been flirting on fb. He had a W and 2 small children. I read her the riot act, asking her how she felt to know that her xH had been with other women. She came back to me a few days later & proudly reported that she had called it off.

Second - A friend flirted for years with a married man, telling me that his marriage was in name only. Finally they started an affair & she fell madly in love. It's clear he'll never leave his W & my friend became miserable. I regularly read her a much softer riot act & she finally got the strength to break it off. I don't think my advice was decisive, but she definitely listened.

Third - One of my closest, dearest friends is a wonderful person and is very lonely. She connected with an old love & they started an affair. His W is very sick and hasn't been able to be a real W to him, so my friend tells herself that it's not so terrible (???). I told her as well that I believe his W would be crushed and she shouldn't want to be a party to that. She's still with him. I said what I needed to.

For me, it's never a question of whether you should be supportive of a friend who is doing this. It's really a question of whether you inform the OW. This issue can be incredibly hard. In the first and second cases I probably would have done it. In the third, I simply can't bring myself to tell her.
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hotsthrnmess
survivorwife said:
Therein lies your problem. She won't listen. She isn't the friend (to you) that you thought she was.

I am (or was) friends with an OW. Her story is a bit different from yours in that her OM is single (divorced) but living with a woman who he claims it is all but over. The couple fights alot (or so he claims). She then leaves him and visits with her family on weekends (thus leaving the APs together, etc.) and my friend knew this man back when they both were children, as they were neighbors, They had a "history".

The difference between your story and mine is that my friend did in fact listen to me. She acknowledged (finally) that he was cheater, and he was cheating on the woman who he was living with. How does that make her feel? Second best, perhaps? Booty call and nothing more? Where was this headed? Has the girlfriend left yet? No? Is she willing to be at his beck and call behind this woman who lives with him that she knows nothing about?

Finally, she saw the light. She didn't like being the OW. Second best. Booty call. He won't even take her out to dinner. Be seen in public with her. Call her (or she call him) when the urge comes upon either of them. This was their life and it is over because she finally realizes how degrading being an OW can be. Can you friend face that same reality?

If your friend can have that sort of conversation and still remain an OW, then you really don't need someone like in your life. She is no friend. However, if you can drag her out of the fog and let her see the light of day again, it will be nice to know that you have a friend that listens.

Either way, good luck to you.
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Thank you for sharing your story, survivorwife.

I'm wondering if my friend can face the same reality. As of right now, it doesn't appear so. I have tried talking to her, and wonder if its worth it anymore. I would hate to see her life (as well as the BS in their case) spiral downward and end terribly, but I have to remind myself that she's consciously choosing her role and what happens to her is her choice.

I really appreciate the advice, thank you.
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