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Discussion Starter #21
I'm a child of two parents who both cheated on each other multiple times, I suffered because of it and sure won't let that happen to my daughter. I know that's why I'm dead set in my ways. And personally open marriages are just another way to cheat. If you want to sleep with different people get a divorce and have fun. Trust me nothing will change my mind on this, I already find myself souring on things about her I used to find cute.

It cuts to me to my core that the woman I married wasn't satisfied by me in some way. Like I said I know it's her and not me but it's hard not to take it personally.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
What has she said to you in response to all of this...has she been remorseful?
We've had two real conversations since I left. The first as the day she returned, she was hysterical and crying. She tried to claim she wasn't serious and was just was testing me. I called her out in that because she knows my opinion on infidelity and my past.

The second one was her trying to enlighten me about the benefits of these arrangements and how they make couples stronger. She even mentioned a woman at her work she thought I would like because she was a redhead. That was the first time in my life I actually wanted to punch a woman in the face.

So she has shown zero remorse.
 

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We've had two real conversations since I left. The first as the day she returned, she was hysterical and crying. She tried to claim she wasn't serious and was just was testing me. I called her out in that because she knows my opinion on infidelity and my past.

The second one was her trying to enlighten me about the benefits of these arrangements and how they make couples stronger. She even mentioned a woman at her work she thought I would like because she was a redhead. That was the first time in my life I actually wanted to punch a woman in the face.

So she has shown zero remorse.
See how these two conversations don't match up?

She's already cheating.

And she'd already picked someone out for you?

How considerate.

I wonder who she picked out for herself.

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IMO, you two need to talk. You can't just split without talking. What's the harm, at that point? At least you will know what is going on, because she knows she has nothing left to lose. You'll leave if you don't know what's going on. You might leave if you Do know what's going on. She's definitely on-notice now that you've done what you've done and maybe you could reverse it, maybe not. But at least you'll know for yourself what's really happening. Maybe you'll learn from it. Maybe she'll learn from it.
They talked.

She told him what's been going on.

She's cheating... and there's no reversing that.

That's what he's learned from it.
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See how these two conversations don't match up?

She's already cheating.

And she'd already picked someone out for you?

How considerate.

I wonder who she picked out for herself.

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I'll take a guess that her pick for herself has a higher sex rank than the one she picked for him.
 

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SD,

So you have had TWO conversations regarding her "open marriage" request. They are totally contridictory and very clear on what she is up to. The first conversation she made light of it and tried to gaslight you into thinking she was kidding. Well, if she was kidding, why the hell is she doing a complete reversal in the second conversation and going back to the sell job .

Her picking a girl out for you from work makes me think the OM is her work buddy and you have a problem my friend. Actually more than one. Your gut is screaming that this work guy is way too close, probably no accident, and she still works with him and is still trying to convince you to let her do it if she has not already.

It is time for you to get serious and if you have any intentions of staying with her again you need to get a VAR in her car immediately. If you do that, my bet is you will find out the following in less than a week
(1) who the OM or potential OM is. Women do NOT have this conversation out of the blue if they do not have "something" going on. It may not be physical yet, but to take the chance on your reaction it is not just a random thought
(2) which "girlfriends" are either encouraging her, covering for her, and participating with her.

To rely on anything she tells you is foolish. She has unsuccessfully brought it up so now it will go underground, especially since she had the second conversation backtracking on her statements about it not being really serious.

You need to make it clear to her that her actions have made it impossible for you to feel safe with her and unless she can prove she has not strayed there is no reconciliation. And the "girls trips" need to end until you make a decision and get some factual answers.
 

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I'm a child of two parents who both cheated on each other multiple times, I suffered because of it and sure won't let that happen to my daughter. I know that's why I'm dead set in my ways. And personally open marriages are just another way to cheat. If you want to sleep with different people get a divorce and have fun. Trust me nothing will change my mind on this, I already find myself souring on things about her I used to find cute.

It cuts to me to my core that the woman I married wasn't satisfied by me in some way. Like I said I know it's her and not me but it's hard not to take it personally.
The bold part is what I am referring to you.

You are looking at this all wrong.

There is nothing you did wrong.

It's not that she wasn't satisfied with you. It's that she has some flaw, some mental issue, some stripped gear in her that prevents her from being capable of being faithful.

The only thing that you are guilty of is loving a broken person.

The only thing to be sad about is the fact that she took away that illusion that you fell in love with.

The thing that you should be majorly angry with is the fact that she willfully blew up the marriage, and has uprooted and destroyed the cohesive parental unit for your child.
 

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SD,

So you have had TWO conversations regarding her "open marriage" request. They are totally contridictory and very clear on what she is up to. The first conversation she made light of it and tried to gaslight you into thinking she was kidding. Well, if she was kidding, why the hell is she doing a complete reversal in the second conversation and going back to the sell job .

Her picking a girl out for you from work makes me think the OM is her work buddy and you have a problem my friend. Actually more than one. Your gut is screaming that this work guy is way too close, probably no accident, and she still works with him and is still trying to convince you to let her do it if she has not already.

It is time for you to get serious and if you have any intentions of staying with her again you need to get a VAR in her car immediately. If you do that, my bet is you will find out the following in less than a week
(1) who the OM or potential OM is. Women do NOT have this conversation out of the blue if they do not have "something" going on. It may not be physical yet, but to take the chance on your reaction it is not just a random thought
(2) which "girlfriends" are either encouraging her, covering for her, and participating with her.

To rely on anything she tells you is foolish. She has unsuccessfully brought it up so now it will go underground, especially since she had the second conversation backtracking on her statements about it not being really serious.

You need to make it clear to her that her actions have made it impossible for you to feel safe with her and unless she can prove she has not strayed there is no reconciliation. And the "girls trips" need to end until you make a decision and get some factual answers.

I am assuming you missed

That all happened two months ago. I won't bore you with the details of all the stuff happened inbetween. The basics she was served and I offered a 50/50 split on everything. I didn't want this to get ugly. And before you ask I did a paternity test and she's mine.
in his original post
 

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I am assuming you missed
Quote:
Originally Posted by SDtired View Post

That all happened two months ago. I won't bore you with the details of all the stuff happened inbetween. The basics she was served and I offered a 50/50 split on everything. I didn't want this to get ugly. And before you ask I did a paternity test and she's mine.
in his original post


And what makes you think it is over and she will not try to lure him back????? With no explanation of what happened in between and not knowing what he knows or thinks he knows, the advice still stands.
 

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Discussion Starter #31
Straightshooter

I appreciate what your saying and advice. Don't worry I have no intention of reconciling with her, even if I had 100% guarantee she wasn't cheating or had someone lined up. The minute she mentioned it I was done, I've said it before. If she had problems with me or the marriage jumping straight to lets screw other people as a solution shows me she has some major issues I never saw.

Malaise

I think you're talking about the attractiveness of the woman? If so she's stunning and I would guess at least ten years younger than both of us. Not that any of that matters at this point.

Snerg

I completely agree with all that, I know she's screwed up and it has nothing to do with me. But it's also a woman I built a life with, had a child and thought I would grow old with. I know I'm not to blame logically, rationally or whatever but it still hurts that's what I was saying. Don't think I regret my decision to leave one bit.
 

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Just curious

Did she speak to the woman at work and did she ( woman at work ) agree to it ? I wonder if it was set up and waiting for your OK.
 

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Just tell them the truth, that she asked for an open marriage, and that was a dealbreaker for you.
Doesn't get any more simple than this.

It's called "telling people the truth" and why you have such a hard time with it is beyond me.

What are you accomplishing by keeping it to yourself?
 

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Snerg

I completely agree with all that, I know she's screwed up and it has nothing to do with me. But it's also a woman I built a life with, had a child and thought I would grow old with. I know I'm not to blame logically, rationally or whatever but it still hurts that's what I was saying. Don't think I regret my decision to leave one bit.
That makes sense.

It stings to get fooled so completely like this.

You will look back at you life for a while to try to see why and how you missed the red flags.
I would say, try not to look too hard and dwell upon things you might or could have done differently . Love has a really funny way of clouding your eyes. You might even say that love was an evolutionary or biological event to ensure that we do attempt to pass on our genes. So biologically, she meet your needs as someone who you could create a healthy child with. Nothing more than that.
 

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SD,

Don't beat yourself up. Quite the contrary. if you read this or another forum, you will find that this "let's try open marriage" is a pretty common default position for women who want to cheat or have already done it and have gotten caught. And there are a hell of a lot more men out there putting up with it rather than showing the strength you did than who do what you did.

You also do not need to second guess yourself about reading the books. I did that too because i wanted to understand what lunacy was going through her mind. And in my case it was a bit of a mistake because she actually thought I was considering it because i was reading. These men who get bulldozed into this are just too unsure of themselves that they decide it is worth it to still get laid regularly even if it means sacrificing their dignity.

You can look yourself in the mirror and see one tough guy looking at you.

As long as you are still on speaking terms, you really do need to try to find out if she has the decency to tell you if she has banged anyone already so you can get medically check out correctly. And with this group of "friends", my guess is you would have had to be in CIA mode for a long time to feel safe.

Time will heal all of this. But my main point is you have nothing to be embarrassed about. If you had to explain to people why your wife was out with another man that would be something to be embarrassed about.
 

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Sdtired, wow. Sounds like you have your s**t together.

Like you said really doesn't matter if she has cheated or not, the intent was there.

As to your two conversations with her, they really don't line up with each other, do they.

I would let her parents know why the two of you have split. That way the healing can start. They will be part of your life, through your daughter, for many years to come hopefully. No need for them to think you abandoned their daughter to bitter the waters.

Just look after that little girl of yours.
 

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Sdtired, wow. Sounds like you have your s**t together.

Like you said really doesn't matter if she has cheated or not, the intent was there.

As to your two conversations with her, they really don't line up with each other, do they.

I would let her parents know why the two of you have split. That way the healing can start. They will be part of your life, through your daughter, for many years to come hopefully. No need for them to think you abandoned their daughter to bitter the waters.

Just look after that little girl of yours.
SD,

Exactly, her two conversations are totally opposite mindsets. In the first one she was treading water trying to calm you down. Her true thoughts were in the second conversation because she went right back to trying to sell you on open marriage.

Stand firm
 

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@SDtired ...

Personally... I am just REALLY impressed by how you have handled this... you sound like a wonderful man and a purely monogamous one....

I, too, applaud you for your boundaries...and resolve on what you stand for. I can understand your feeling "gutted" by this.. what an awful betrayal -beings you have shared deeply with her -how you feel about any sort of infidelity, due to what you grew up with ....you trusted she was on the same page...cherishing your lives together, in tuned with the same shared values -a lasting love that embodies what marriage, the raising of children is meant to be.

I'm afraid in today's society... more & more are making a case against monogamy...take OpenMinded.com for example, if you read this write up, I bet those books she presented were of this mindset...

I almost feel bad for her for being this stupid [email protected]# ....She'll be hard pressed, if this is the road she wants to go down, to ever find another good man like you.. she will watch your life unfold likely....only to see you go on marrying a wonderful woman and know she ruined her life... giving up the one who wanted to give her the sun, stars & moon, all of his love & devotion...and for what?
 
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