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Hey new here, dony know really how to start so I'd give some info on what led me here.

Met my wife through friends right after college, we dated for five years and got married that was six years ago. We had a baby girl two years. We had ups and downs like every couple but I was determined to make it work. I made sure had a date night every week and spent time together. I read alot about marriage and how couples can lose that spark. Also I was very upfront about cheating, that if either of us felt the marriage was to be honest. It would hurt but infidelity would be much worse. I saw it first hand with both my parents cheating.

I thought everything was going fine, I know typical. A day before my wife and her friends were going on a girls vacation she dropped a bomb on me. She had been thinking about an open marriage. I give her credit she hadbooks about how wonderful it was for everyone involved and how a couple of her friends did it. Now about these friends the two she's talking about I hate. Complete turbo ****s, before any gives me **** about that term its because of every one of their relationships ended because they screwed around. So I know for a fact they had been whispering in her ear. Hell one of them made a pass at me once and my excused at as that's just how her friend is.

I humored my wife and said I'd read the books and she left. I flipped through them with zero intention of considering it and of course it was just new age bull**** for screwing around. To me this was a deal breaker and I called my best friend to tell him what happened. Over the course of that week he helped me rent a storage unit to move my stuff out and to find a lawyer. On the day she was supposed to come back I dropped our daughter off with her mother because I didn't want to see my wife at all. And I admit I left a ****ty note on top of the books she gave me along with my wedding ring.

That all happened two months ago. I won't bore you with the details of all the stuff happened inbetween. The basics she was served and I offered a 50/50 split on everything. I didn't want this to get ugly. And before you ask I did a paternity test and she's mine.

But here's my question all our mutual friends are pleading her case to me, the same with her family. I've tried being nice about things but it's getting harder everyday. I'm being made out as the monster here and she's the innocent party. I personally don't want to expose the reason why I left her because it's embarrassing but I am getting tired of being called the bad guy. The only person who knows is my best friend and his wife.

Any advice?
 

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Did your wife cheat or did she only ask about an open marriage?
I have no real proof but I think she did or at least had someone picked out.

She started back at work after taking time off for our daughter, there was one guy who started while she was off that bothered me somewhat. A little too friendly with a married woman. And she had been hanging out with her two friends more often, drinks after work which I was cool with because I knew she needed some time to relax.

Our sex life slowed a little after our daugher came around but take away the first couple months we average 3-4 times a week. And without getting too graphic I made sure we kept things adventurous. She never mentioned any issues so that's why the open marriage idea didn't sit right. If your unhappy you just don't jump to lets screw other people as your first solution. That's why I think she used it as a cover. And to completely honest even if there wasn't I was done.
 

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There has got to be more to this story that you are not telling.

What was this girls trip? Where to and for how long? Did you fully agree with her going or not?

Sounds like you reacted to more than just her telling you she was thinking about an open marriage.

Quality of friends is one of the top indicators of a person's values, maturity, and relationship conduct, IMO. I believe this is true for men and women. It's why I have few true woman friends and I choose them wisely.
 

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There has got to be more to this story that you are not telling.

What was this girls trip? Where to and for how long? Did you fully agree with her going or not?

Sounds like you reacted to more than just her telling you she was thinking about an open marriage.

Quality of friends is one of the top indicators of a person's values, maturity, and relationship conduct, IMO. I believe this is true for men and women. It's why I have few true woman friends and I choose them wisely.
They went to wine country, hitting different vineyards. I had zero issues with her going. It was a group of ten women, most of them I really like except the two I mentioned. Now if it was just those two I would have had a problem. My wife knows that I don't like them and think they're both toxic. But I tolerated them for her sake since they had been friends since college.

Other than that guy rubbing me the wrong way, there was nothing. Like I said she never mentioned any problems with intimacy physical or emotional at all and then she mentions an open marriage. My gut tells me there more, I have no proof but again to jump straight to that set off alarm bells.
 

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Just tell them the truth, that she asked for an open marriage, and that was a dealbreaker for you.
 

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If you don't tell them your reason and the marriage seemed quite healthy of course they are on her side. You are now the azz that left your wife over ....apparently nothing? Hard to understand your position if you don't know the facts. Just tell them what she wanted and that it was a dealbreaker because you lost your trust in her to remain faithful and you didn't want your kid to grow up with parents in a marriage of mistrust and resentment.

And even if you tell them there will be people thinking you overreacted or won't believe you (if she denies) or whatever. Who cares, you live your life for you, not for them. Just try to remain at least halfway amicable with her for your kid and take care of your daughter as best you can.
 

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SDtired, kudos to you for the swift way you dealt with this bullsh!t. She sounds like one of these broads who easily gets her ear bent by toxic friends........doesn't have a brain of her own. Good fvcking riddance.

You don't need to broadcast the reasons (you must feel embarrassed for both of you), but make sure you tell those closest to you. Just humor her and act indifferent because in 3-4 months you will be with your attitude.

Again, massive respect. It's a shame all men don't think like you/me.
 

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Just tell them the truth, that she asked for an open marriage, and that was a dealbreaker for you.
OP-I'd just tell your closest family members & friends. Don't worry, it'll spread to everyone else in no time.

Hats off to you though for standing up for yourself. However, you may have given her a mixed signal by stating that you'd read the books when you knew you had absolutely no intention of doing so. That was a bit passive aggressive. Regardless, if she wanted an open marriage and you didn't, it'll never work. Never.
 

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IMO, you two need to talk. You can't just split without talking. What's the harm, at that point? At least you will know what is going on, because she knows she has nothing left to lose. You'll leave if you don't know what's going on. You might leave if you Do know what's going on. She's definitely on-notice now that you've done what you've done and maybe you could reverse it, maybe not. But at least you'll know for yourself what's really happening. Maybe you'll learn from it. Maybe she'll learn from it.
 

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Hey new here, dony know really how to start so I'd give some info on what led me here.

Met my wife through friends right after college, we dated for five years and got married that was six years ago. We had a baby girl two years. We had ups and downs like every couple but I was determined to make it work. I made sure had a date night every week and spent time together. I read alot about marriage and how couples can lose that spark. Also I was very upfront about cheating, that if either of us felt the marriage was to be honest. It would hurt but infidelity would be much worse. I saw it first hand with both my parents cheating.

I thought everything was going fine, I know typical. A day before my wife and her friends were going on a girls vacation she dropped a bomb on me. She had been thinking about an open marriage. I give her credit she hadbooks about how wonderful it was for everyone involved and how a couple of her friends did it. Now about these friends the two she's talking about I hate. Complete turbo ****s, before any gives me **** about that term its because of every one of their relationships ended because they screwed around. So I know for a fact they had been whispering in her ear. Hell one of them made a pass at me once and my excused at as that's just how her friend is.

I humored my wife and said I'd read the books and she left. I flipped through them with zero intention of considering it and of course it was just new age bull**** for screwing around. To me this was a deal breaker and I called my best friend to tell him what happened. Over the course of that week he helped me rent a storage unit to move my stuff out and to find a lawyer. On the day she was supposed to come back I dropped our daughter off with her mother because I didn't want to see my wife at all. And I admit I left a ****ty note on top of the books she gave me along with my wedding ring.

That all happened two months ago. I won't bore you with the details of all the stuff happened inbetween. The basics she was served and I offered a 50/50 split on everything. I didn't want this to get ugly. And before you ask I did a paternity test and she's mine.

But here's my question all our mutual friends are pleading her case to me, the same with her family. I've tried being nice about things but it's getting harder everyday. I'm being made out as the monster here and she's the innocent party. I personally don't want to expose the reason why I left her because it's embarrassing but I am getting tired of being called the bad guy. The only person who knows is my best friend and his wife.

Any advice?
Expose.

Hell, odds are she'd already opened the marriage anyway.
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Just tell them the truth, that she asked for an open marriage, and that was a dealbreaker for you.
^^ This. Plain & Simple.

Its not like you are trash talking her. She asked for this, and you said no and did not want to be married to a person who would want an open marriage. Simply different values.
 

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IMO, you two need to talk. You can't just split without talking. What's the harm, at that point? At least you will know what is going on, because she knows she has nothing left to lose. You'll leave if you don't know what's going on. You might leave if you Do know what's going on. She's definitely on-notice now that you've done what you've done and maybe you could reverse it, maybe not. But at least you'll know for yourself what's really happening. Maybe you'll learn from it. Maybe she'll learn from it.
He made up his mind and left. So no need to play "I might not leave if you tell me what's going on" games. Who cares what she did or is doing? Apparently he doesn't and why would he? For him the basis of his relationship is no more, details here and there won't change that so why bother with them?. He can't determine the veracity of her story anyways (or only with a lot of effort, effort he is not willing to put into it) so what's done is done. Not knowing what went or is going on is not his problem, his social circle not knowing his reasons is his problem. A problem he can solve relatively easy.
 

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Just tell them the truth, that she asked for an open marriage, and that was a dealbreaker for you.

Don't make it anything more than what jld stated.

Short, simple and to the point

If my SO came to me with this suggestion,I would be done with the marriage as well

Don't be embarrassed for having boundaries and sticking to them!
 

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SD,

You got a not too uncommon load of crap when they get "restless". The default position for those who have some guilt pangs about cheating is "lets try open marriage". I can speak to your situation because my wife got herself "brainwashed" by a polyamorous couple she volunteered with ( see my profile). Like you, I took the NUCLEAR approach and had a different outcome, but if she has good friends that were "cheaters" or in an open marriage and dropped this bomb on you right before going on a girls trip, I would bet she opened your marriage before she said a word. And probably got a whole lot of encouragement from her "girlfriends". And do not be surprised if it was more than just these two. The current thought process now is "he'll get over it".

You are obviously bothered by the false narrative out there that you are the bad guy. The only way you are going to dispel that is to telll those questioning you that you did not like the idea of her having boyfriends to go out with and that is all you need to say. Then she will start to get the questions and if any of them are close enough to you that you really care, just show them the books she gave you to read.

If by some chance you do not get rid of her, you need to have her take a polygraph before you make that decision as well as jettison this entire group of girlfriends.

There is no way with a bomb like that that your trust can be restored without her PROVING she has not acted.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
Thanks for all the replies.

I have told a few people the truth but these are people I trust best friend, his wife, my cousin and some other family. The other people I just say it's a private matter between my wife and me. And to be clear none of these people including her family have been mean or accused me of anything, just very pushy. Along the lines of how you could you leave her, you guys were so happy, etc . Now if I learn she's throwing me under the bus I expose the whole thing.

I'll be really honest here, my reluctance to share is more about me. I'm completely devastated by all of this and embarrassed. It cuts right to the core of my manhood that I wasn't enough for her. Of course I know in my head its about her issues but emotionally I'm gutted.

To whoever mentioned that I played along by telling I'd read the books, you're right but it was done to protect myself. With her going on vacation it gave me time and it let me keep some power.

I have been nothing but civil with her other than the note I left and even that wasn't that hurtful.My daughter is all that matters to me and I won't let her see her parents be monsters to each other.

As for whether she cheated on the trip, I doubt it one of the women was my cousin and we are close as siblings. Whether she has in general it's 50/50 in my book. The only reason I would want to know at this point is to get tested for HIV and STDs which I plan to anyway. I'm thoroughly convinced she had someone picked out, no evidence of course but my guy says yes.

When it comes to her friends they are ****ty, mid thirties and neither has had a relationship longer than six months which always ended because of their infidelity. I never liked them but she was friends with them before me and I wouldn't expect her to give them up. It's easy to blame them but my wife listened.
 

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Just tell them the truth, that she asked for an open marriage, and that was a dealbreaker for you.
This. Truth is not slander.
 

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**** yeah SD, **** yeah. Seriously, you did the right thing. You know what was on her mind and you'd never be able to trust her again. I am amazed at how swift you were at this, but don't double back. You don't even have to tell people anything if they know you.

"SD, why would you leave her? You two were perfect together."

"Don't you know I ****ing know that? What do you think, I wanted to leave the woman I love?"

Regardless, it's your life and keep your hands around the bull's horns. Assuming you follow through completely, your story is on that should be read by many here.
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Thanks for all the replies.

I'll be really honest here, my reluctance to share is more about me. I'm completely devastated by all of this and embarrassed. It cuts right to the core of my manhood that I wasn't enough for her. Of course I know in my head its about her issues but emotionally I'm gutted.
How does this cut to your core?

She thought you would be a doormat and would agree to her getting strange on the side whenever she fancied.
She thought wrong!

You immediately man'd the ef up and kicked her to the curb(as you rightly should have).

You have clear boundaries. You enforced then.

I see nothing that you should feel less a man about.

If anything - it's more.

You wife got way out of line and you enacted consequences for her actions. No crying. No begging. No negotiating. Just you are wrong for me, for marriage, for being with me one day longer.

I for one applaud you.
 
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