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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

Super new to the forum.

I have a sort of 'poll' I guess you could say.

Do you think it's appropriate for your spouse or SO to comfort a friend of the same sex all the time? For them to be that friends 'go-to' for a problem or for your SO to be the person who knows exactly what to say to calm them and make everything ok? Say, 3 times a week or more.

That's the type of scenario I'm talking about. Curious to hear your thoughts....
 

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Little confused. Title says "opposite" sex, the body says "same" sex. Who is comforting who? Your SO is comforting a friend of the same or opposite sex regarding this friend's relationship?

Please clarify.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My SO has a friend of the opposite sex who he regularly comforts on all matters, not just relationship problems. She says "he knows exactly what I need to hear, even when I freak out for no reason" type thing

Which leads me to believe they're a lot closer than he told me. He made it seem she was older & engaged. She's not. That they speak infrequently. The quote above indicates otherwise in my opinion.
 

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I feel strongly that when one is dating/ an item/ engaged....before they ever walk down the aisle....that all opposite sex friends are in for a change in the relationship -if it was free reign before...they now must face that their friend is "taken" and respect their new partner, seeing them as "one"... if they get together, do it as a couple in the future.

If such friends can not handle this, treating the other half with such respect... they need to go. Period. But this takes the person with that said friend to set up those boundaries forsaking all others for the relationship, so if a BF / GF can not do this.... it's a "red flag"... it's boundary crossing really.

If there is physical attraction between 2 said "friends" and they get off alone... something could easily spring here , most especially if a little trouble is brewing at home.

All our emotional devotion, our deepest secrets, our highest highs, our lowest lows should be brought to our lover ~ their being our closest & dearest friend.
 

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You are right to be wary of this relationship. For your long-term future (you didn't say how long you've been dating), the dynamics of this relationship eventually has to change.

If she is just a friend (there was never any romantic relationship) and he considers you to be a potential serious relationship, out of respect for your feelings and the relationship, he should introduce the two of you like he would introduce any other friend of his. He should also be letting you know when he is in contact with her. In other words, if the two of you are going to be "one", he needs to be bringing you into the circle. If she is a true friend of his and has his best interest at heart, she will understand and accept this. If she is resistant, she is using her neediness to access him. And he is getting some thrill by being her knight in shining armor.

Some guys get a real ego trip playing this role, but keeping it separate and secret is a problem. Depending on where you are in your relationship with him, you can't expect this to happen immediately, but you should be feeling like he is trying to move her toward a friendship with her.

If, on the other hand, the two of them have had a past romantic relationship or there is big resistance to bringing you in, it should be brought to a close.

Good luck
 

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My SO has a friend of the opposite sex who he regularly comforts on all matters, not just relationship problems. She says "he knows exactly what I need to hear, even when I freak out for no reason" type thing

Which leads me to believe they're a lot closer than he told me. He made it seem she was older & engaged. She's not. That they speak infrequently. The quote above indicates otherwise in my opinion.
Get the book. Seriously. What you describe is poison to your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
She is is ex gf sister.
He informed me that she was there for him thru that breakup.
He told me they are friends, but never mentioned they text regularly.
He also told me she was older, she is not. She is 19. He's 23, I am 33. I been round the block. I understand there's female friends. But to a certain extent. For him to know her well enough to know exactly what she needs to hear makes me uncomfortable at best. Especially since he downplayed the relationship I. The first place.

Especially since I've asked him if he has any female friends he speaks to regularly and the answer is no.

I feel if he wanted us to meet, it would have happened by now. We've been together a year and recently moved in together.

I have male friends, but not to the extent I talk to them daily. On Facebook a happy bday or how's the family? Type things.

Love all the responses. Thank you so much!!
 

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Not to pick on you, but what is a woman of your experience doing living with this boy?

As you probably recall, your twenties was a time of discovering yourself and who you want to be and be with. He could wake up in six years a totally different person who wants a completely different partner. That would leave you alone pushing 40.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I understand. He's not your average 23 year old. Believe me, I have mulled over this more than I can count.
It's a long story.
We've discussed out relationship inward and outward countless times. Believe it or not, we're more than compatible.
I have my concerns about our age difference, but this sort of thing isn't unheard of, it can work.
It's just that different challenges are going to present themselves than if I were with a man of my age or older. Been both of those places, and this one has worked out far better than ever.
He's an incredible man&provider, and is not your typical 23 year old.
 

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So are you going to get the book Hope suggested or are you going to wait for the "I didn't mean it to happen" speach from your man?
 

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Oh sorry sorry!! I meant opposite sex.

Not sure what I was thinking!
I actually think if it is the same sex that what you refer to is obsessive.

Now if you are talking about opposite sex ... no way.

In fact I learned the hard way that close opposite sex friends are way out of bounds period.
 

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My son is 22 and he is in an established relationship of 2 years and yes he does have female friends from his past, naturally there was mutually supportive behavior during high school years that did not involve dating. This is just the way it is.

I'm seeing someone and I already decided I don't want to have any control over his choices of who he has a relationship with and what it entails. So long as it's not used as a way to hurt me, which some people such as my ex, did use his relationships with OW to hurt, manipulate, deceive me, for purposes of his psychological addiction to doing this (yes, a misogynist.)

If the intention isn't to hurt me, it's unlikely I'm going to be hurt. I have male friends, I go to dinner with them, I dance with them, I discuss things with them. Yes, they would probably like to date me but they understand that it wouldn't work out. I have abnormal needs in terms of being met intellectually, I have tried to partner-down and it didn't work, I tried to partner across into a different field and it didn't work. I tried to partner up when I was younger in terms of age/world experience and that didn't work either (H turned out to be an idiot business wise and alcoholic tendencies as well, whereupon he would tell the same joke to the same people at different dinner parties, that sort of thing...just wrong...and wrong...) Plus he wasn't confident, which made him prey to outside female influences, which in our line of business was a liability. He couldn't tell when he was being played. Thank God he married a Finn who was able to deal with him, handle his drinking, and make sure he paid his child support (she still sends $ every month to our son, who is in college, which isn't necessary, but it sure does help him out...)

Hmmm, maybe I could find myself a middle-aged female Finn and just let myself lose all control of myself...now there's a theory. lol

Honestly, I think people should stay out of other people's relationships. If he is close to you, he will realize you are bothered by what he's doing, and adjust, or attempt to adjust your thinking on the matter, or at least bring his concerns about how what he is doing affects you, to the table, first. If he doesn't do that, then obviously he's not in tune with you and if it's that much of a bother, find someone who will forsake all others in friendships as well as love matches, in favor of you.
 

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Not to beat a dead horse since I know a previous poster also pointed it out, but a 19 year old woman and a 23 year old man are much closer in age and have more in common with each other than they do with a 33 year old woman.

Out of curiousity, what makes him so incredible as a man and provider? No snark, I'm really curious (if you want to answer).

Sounds like they have a strong connection and he has a knight in shining armor complex where he enjoys being her sounding board, giving advice, being her confidant. It probably flatters his ego to be thought of that way by a young woman.
 

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Not to beat a dead horse since I know a previous poster also pointed it out, but a 19 year old woman and a 23 year old man are much closer in age and have more in common with each other than they do with a 33 year old woman.

Out of curiousity, what makes him so incredible as a man and provider? No snark, I'm really curious (if you want to answer).

Sounds like they have a strong connection and he has a knight in shining armor complex where he enjoys being her sounding board, giving advice, being her confidant. It probably flatters his ego to be thought of that way by a young woman.
I can answer that from my perspective having married a man 6 years younger, and my sister married a man who is 9 years younger than she. Basically, the younger men were, and still are, more mature than the men our age. My sister was married before, to a man her age. They divorced after having two kids. Her new husband stepped up and treated the kids as his own, and has treated my sister as she deserves to be treated. He holds down a decent job, which is more than can be said for her ex-husband. My husband and I have been married 12 1/2 years and my sister and brother-in-law have been married 4 1/2 years. So, yes, greater age gaps like that can work, and work well.
 

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As a man, from my own experience and what I’ve observed….trust no other man completely. Men will wait for years (as friends) to get the opportunity at the right time. This guy may not be interested in her now, but things can change. I know of a guy who waited for a woman for 10 years, she was married to another but he loved her, and never acted on it other than a very close friendship. When she went through some major marriage issues, and he saw the opening to make his move, and he did…and was rejected! He wasted 10 years! Now to be fair he dated now and then during those 10 years, but he had her on the back burner. So to have these relationships, I view them as possible ticking time bombs. Do you know of any decently attractive men that are friends with unattractive women? I don’t.

If he is a good guy, and has no intensions or desires for your woman he will be totally understanding with any rules or limits you put on their friendship. I’d say no dinners, or lunches alone with another man…just as a rule. You should do the same…never have social meeting with another member of the opposite sex alone.

Lots of infidelity starts out with relationship conversations, and the male nature is to sleep with as many women as possible…it is only through refinement of character that men don’t act on it. So be very careful with this type of thing…she may be this guy’s plan B, C or D.
 

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I'd get really annoyed if my SO was doing that...comforting some other woman. Doesn't she have her own SO/friends to do that with?

On that note, I think casual / work OSF are okay, just not CLOSE friends of the opposite sex. I just feel like close OSF are a can of worms that I don't want to open, and my boyfriend believes the same.
 
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