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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm concerned because my husband has at least five of his exes on Facebook, women with whom he was emotionally and/or sexually involved before we met. I can't help feeling hurt by this. I have explained that I wouldn't mind if he continues his friendship with anyone he considers a true friend, as long as they are respectful, and he does it openly, without secrecy.

The problem is that over the years, I have discovered on several occasions that he has been private messaging some of his exes and deleting these messages to hide them from me. (He doesn't delete other messages nor regularly cleans his inbox). In each occasion I have discovered this by coincidence. Last time, for example, I had been talking with a friend through PM the night before, and when I went to Facebook again in the morning and pressed the red PM icon to read his answer, the face of one of my husband's exes popped up. My husband had signed in to his account after me and didn't log off. I don't know what my husband wrote to her because he deleted his original message, but her response was "Hahaha... Screaching??? Hahaha..." I immediately logged off his account, as I can't help feeling bad by "snooping", although it was by mistake. In the past, I had told him I had issues with this woman because she once wrote a public comment in one of his photos that I found inappropriate, given that he is married, (something about her remembering the good times they had together in his car).

He has had conversations with other exes that I have discovered in similar ways that I also found inappropriate. For example, it seems like one of his single exes wrote to him upset becasue he was making fun of her about her weight or something like that, because he responded that she shouldn't worry because "she looks 'veeeeeeery' good..." Another woman wrote to him asking him not to call her at work, because she couldn't really talk there, but to call her after hours. She also told him that she wasn't ready to see him yet, because she needed to lose a little bit of weight. My husband says that he only called her on a work-related issue and doesn't know why she said those things.

My husband's take is that he doesn't see anything wrong with these friendships or anything in their conversations, that I am being jealous, and I am making a big deal out of a small issue. He says that since he knows that I get upset, he deletes the messages to avoid confrontation. At one point after one of these discoveries, per my request, he shared his password with me. My intention is not to sign in into his account behind his back nor snoop in his PM box purposefully. I believe that given the circumstances, sharing our passwords is a way of assuring each other that we have nothing to hide. My husband leaves his Facebook open for days sometimes, while other days he keeps logging on and off every time he walks away from the computer.

This issue has damaged my trust in him. I feel that we need to do something to regain this trust or we are headed in the wrong direction. Last time I asked him that if he really needed to talk to any of his exes, to do it openly without secrecy or deleting his messages. He had agreed, but I caught him deleting them again, and who knows how many times he has been doing this. I'm afraid that at this point, even if he unfriends them on Facebook, how do I know he doesn't continue contacting them behind my back? It's what he has done so far... Will he stop contacting them this time or learn to cover up better? I wan't to believe him, but I no longer feel I can trust him, which is a terrible feeling. I don't wan't to have a relationship based on mistrust, no matter how much I love him.

What are your thoughts? I would like to hear other people's opinions & suggestions.
 

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I'm concerned because my husband has at least five of his exes on Facebook, women with whom he was emotionally and/or sexually involved before we met. I can't help feeling hurt by this.

Very bad idea.

I have explained that I wouldn't mind if he continues his friendship with anyone he considers a true friend, as long as they are respectful, and he does it openly, without secrecy.

Strike two. You have to have acheiveable boundaries. Stop being ok with this stuff.
This enables the issue. The above says you are against him being connected to his EXs. You should be. Do not be ok with it. Insist he unfriend and block them.


The problem is that over the years, I have discovered on several occasions that he has been private messaging some of his exes and deleting these messages to hide them from me. (He doesn't delete other messages nor regularly cleans his inbox). In each occasion I have discovered this by coincidence. Last time, for example, I had been talking with a friend through PM the night before, and when I went to Facebook again in the morning and pressed the red PM icon to read his answer, the face of one of my husband's exes popped up. My husband had signed in to his account after me and didn't log off. I don't know what my husband wrote to her because he deleted his original message, but her response was "Hahaha... Screaching??? Hahaha..." I immediately logged off his account, as I can't help feeling bad by "snooping", although it was by mistake. In the past, I had told him I had issues with this woman because she once wrote a public comment in one of his photos that I found inappropriate, given that he is married, (something about her remembering the good times they had together in his car).

He is being unfaithful. I suggest complete transaparency.

He has had conversations with other exes that I have discovered in similar ways that I also found inappropriate. For example, it seems like one of his single exes wrote to him upset becasue he was making fun of her about her weight or something like that, because he responded that she shouldn't worry because "she looks 'veeeeeeery' good..." Another woman wrote to him asking him not to call her at work, because she couldn't really talk there, but to call her after hours. She also told him that she wasn't ready to see him yet, because she needed to lose a little bit of weight. My husband says that he only called her on a work-related issue and doesn't know why she said those things.

More unfaithfulness.


My husband's take is that he doesn't see anything wrong with these friendships or anything in their conversations, that I am being jealous, and I am making a big deal out of a small issue. He says that since he knows that I get upset, he deletes the messages to avoid confrontation.

Tell him this is unacceptable to you. He basically is disrepecting you and lying. He knows that you will be upset because he is being unfaithful. That is he continues this you cannot accept it.

At one point after one of these discoveries, per my request, he shared his password with me. My intention is not to sign in into his account behind his back nor snoop in his PM box purposefully. I believe that given the circumstances, sharing our passwords is a way of assuring each other that we have nothing to hide. My husband leaves his Facebook open for days sometimes, while other days he keeps logging on and off every time he walks away from the computer.

This issue has damaged my trust in him. I feel that we need to do something to regain this trust or we are headed in the wrong direction. Last time I asked him that if he really needed to talk to any of his exes, to do it openly without secrecy or deleting his messages.

Not a strong enough boundary. He should be NC with the EX unless they have children together. This is too gray of a boundary.

He had agreed, but I caught him deleting them again, and who knows how many times he has been doing this.

I call this being unfaithful but this level of deceit and disrespect is cheating. So far there have been no consequences for his actions.

I'm afraid that at this point, even if he unfriends them on Facebook, how do I know he doesn't continue contacting them behind my back? It's what he has done so far... Will he stop contacting them this time or learn to cover up better? I wan't to believe him, but I no longer feel I can trust him, which is a terrible feeling. I don't wan't to have a relationship based on mistrust, no matter how much I love him.

You cannot trust him. You need to make your stand and then monitor. IF he does it again then you need to take firm action.

What are your thoughts? I would like to hear other people's opinions & suggestions.
If you were a man I would say man-up and stop being a doormat.
 

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He's flirting with these women. It's not about you... the reason he gave for deleting (avoiding confrontation)... it's about him thinking he's going to be inappropriate despite you and your feelings. In other words, he's going to do as he pleases.

There wouldn't be a confrontation to avoid if he wasn't being inappropriate and disrespecting you openly, would there? He's failing to see the cause and effect here. All the discoveries you keep making are signals to get you to spring to action. He's not going to stop unless he has a firm reason to. You need to give it to him.
 

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Another woman wrote to him asking him not to call her at work, because she couldn't really talk there, but to call her after hours. She also told him that she wasn't ready to see him yet, because she needed to lose a little bit of weight. My husband says that he only called her on a work-related issue and doesn't know why she said those things.
This is enough for me. Seriously? Please tell me you don't believe him? Can't call during work hours on a work related issue? :scratchhead: And he doesn't know why she said those things, please. People don't just randomly send messages and talk out their a$$es in lala land where the other person doesn't have any clue what they mean. She needs to lose weight before seeing him because she cares about what he thinks of her visually. That is enough for me to say this was sexual in some way shape or form. He is a d!ck.
 

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I found some exes on Facebook but didn't send then friend requests out of respect for my wife. She wouldn't have know who they were, anyway, and i could have said it was a friend from the old neighborhood or high school, but didn't want to even bother.

Now, if I found someone on my wife's facebook page that I thought was an ex, I'd be pissed to no end. Even if it were totally innocent and he lived in Antartica now.

It's a matter of respect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your replies. My husband can't understand why I'm upset and said that I have "problems" when I told him we needed to talk seriously about this... It's like he expects me not to be jealous and to believe in him blindly after he has lied, not once, but several times. He can't seem to understand how important it is to me to be able to trust him and the damage he has done to our relationship by lying. Very sad. I sincerely thought he was a good man and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Now, I'm not so sure. :(
 

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You can retrieve an archive of all his messages including deleeted onrs. You need too be llogged imto hiis fb and his email. Try your owb first so you know hpw to do it. Delete all traces and he won't know. Forward thee file to your own email and then read it.

You might not like what you find. Come ba k to TAM for advice on how best to confront with what you are going to find.

My W's ex showed up on fb. Bad scene when I asked sshe delete and block him. Yoou're in for an unpleasant conversation. Do the archive retrieval first.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You can retrieve an archive of all his messages including deleeted onrs. You need too be llogged imto hiis fb and his email. Try your owb first so you know hpw to do it. Delete all traces and he won't know. Forward thee file to your own email and then read it.

You might not like what you find. Come ba k to TAM for advice on how best to confront with what you are going to find.

My W's ex showed up on fb. Bad scene when I asked sshe delete and block him. Yoou're in for an unpleasant conversation. Do the archive retrieval first.
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I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this behind his back, but would ask him to log on to his accounts to check them in front of him. The problem is that according to Facebook, one cannot retrieve deleted messages, one can only retrieve archived ones. (Per Facebook: You cannot retrieve deleted messages, but you can go back and find messages you archived. Archiving a message hides it from your messages view, while deleting a message permanently removes the entire conversation and its history.) Exactly how did you manage to retrieve yours?
 

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He's flirting with these women. It's not about you... the reason he gave for deleting (avoiding confrontation)... it's about him thinking he's going to be inappropriate despite you and your feelings. In other words, he's going to do as he pleases.
Not being a FB afficianado, I have never felt the need to get on it or any other social madia service to check up on my "friends!"

And as I sadly found out long after our separation, she was using it to overtly flirt and romance both of her OM while we were still living as husband and wife under the same roof.

The posting of hers that absolutely took my breath away was to the best friend of her deceased husband. This was made some 14 months prior to the actual separation:

"Notice that you're adding female friends to your list... keep on truckin'! And that "talkin' thing" that leads to that "not-talkin' thing" is what I call verbal foreplay. And when that's great, you can only imagine or know that the other will be, too!"

As a husband who had trusted her emphatically, my entire confidence in her was shaken so badly that it was totally like being cut wide open and then saturated with rubbing alcohol!
 

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FaceBook. The great marriage killer. Absolutely no reason in hell to keep in contact with ex's (other then kids in common as mentioned above). Absolutley no reason to have private conversations on FB, Email, phone or text with members of the opposite sex that are more then the two or three times a year checking in to say "hello, hope your doing good". If he wants FB then share an account. Its amazing how fast the rats run when the cat shows up.
 

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I have two ex-boyfriends on my Facebook. One is married to my cousin. The other is gay. The former, I have almost all my family members on there, except for a couple. The latter, he came out a couple years after we broke up. My husband knows about them. I rarely even speak to them, but when I do, I don't delete until AFTER my husband has been told or has been able to read the messages himself.

Facebook, itself, isn't the problem. It's the people who use it to hook up that are the problem.
 

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Staying in touch with old girlfriends on FB is just an excuse for flirting and/or thinking about cheating.

So he is flirting with ex-girlfriends, lying to you, hiding messages, probably thinking about cheating.

Of course you can't trust him! You do not have a healthy marriage.
 

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FB is bad. Infidelity starts with doing something in private you don't want your spouse to read/see/hear. It sounds like he is having multiple EAs. If you want to stay with him, then demand all passwords, log-ons etc. to FB and to cellphones. Explain to him that he has violated trust and must earn it back or you are gone. He is showing you a total lack of respect. I advise going to the CWI section and reading some of the newbie posts.
I am so sorry you are going through it. I've been there and in my case, it got worse.
 

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Back to the subject at hand I too believe people are going to do what they are going to do if it is through facebook, myspace, yahoo, hotmail skype etc etc. I had the same issue with my ex a few years back, I for one don't blame facebook it's like anything else if someone is going to exploit something they will.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel that every marriage and every relationship is different and unique when it comes to boundaries and I for one am not going to tell you how it should be or not because that is not my place. The important issue is really about you being uncomfortable in HOW he engages with these women.

In short he doesn't respect you because if he did he would know and acknowledge that not only is he hurting you but also he is being blatantly disrespectful. He is aware that it bothers you and ignores it anyway that is a Red Flag.

There is a deeper issue here and it is more than if he is flirting with his ex's. I wonder have you always had problems with him and boundaries? And how long has it been going on? I do not like saying this but something is not right here. You might not like what you find but if you want a peace of mind you need to find out what is going on. Best of luck you have come to the right place.

k
 

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While I agree that people with weak character will reveal themselves and the choice of medium doesn't matter as much, facebook and other "social media" are different in that you are putting up a flag that says "here I am" for all the world to see. It becomes an invited for every person from your past (insert "lonely", "desperate", "going no where", etc) to "reconnect". Suddenly, some relationship from 20 years ago is back in your life and the person wants to chat you up and flirt. I think many people have a hard time shutting that right down and blocking that person. Why even have the temptation.... I think you have one shared account or your passwords are shared and its understood either of you can sign on at anytime. (If you have to have it at all)
 
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