Why would you resolve to live with someone you don't trust? Either ask him about it, or start doing more digging.
Found something...now what?
Hey guys! I swear I was not snooping. I have been down the hunting for pain road in my past relationship with a porn addict & know the dangers, so I don't snoop. Well last nite I was on my bf's laptop that he freely lets me use & I noticed a photo album on his desktop titled 'us'. So automatically assumed it was pics of us & opened it to see exactly which ones of us they were. Well, there was one pic of us in there & one of some provacatively dressed woman I've never seen before, & the pic was titled something like 'hiding5660'. I don't remember t exactly but it was clearly a username/handle from some dating site or other. We met thru Match & I know he used to use fling.com for some no strings fun before we met so...Oh, and the date that the pic was downloaded into the album was just this past July. We've been together for over a year now!
Anyway, now that I've seen this and am unsettled by it, what do u think I should do next? Confront him about it or let it go cause he'll think I was snooping no matter what I say, and resolve myself to living w/somone I'm now suspicious of?
Thx!
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Anyway, now that I've seen this and am unsettled by it, what do u think I should do next? Confront him about it or let it go cause he'll think I was snooping no matter what I say, and resolve myself to living w/somone I'm now suspicious of?
Thx!
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Yeah, it's funny; I went to look at it again tonight and it's gone. I deduced that he checked 'recent documents' and saw what I saw, then moved or deleted it. He's not said a thing about it tonight so far & neither have I. It's like we're waiting each other out. I realize if I bring it up he could gaslight me since the pic's now gone & that would hurt me worse. No evidence now, so I guess I'll have to wait, watch & see how this pans out. *sigh*Why would you resolve to live with someone you don't trust? Either ask him about it, or start doing more digging.
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Also stop apologizing for snooping like that is a bad thing.
I think you should continue to investigate further.
I am a big fan about communication and openess, but in this case I think you want to know what you are dealing with first before confronting.
Are there any other symptoms of possible cheating?
I think you should continue to investigate further.
I am a big fan about communication and openess, but in this case I think you want to know what you are dealing with first before confronting.
Are there any other symptoms of possible cheating?
Confront him now that you know. If he lies then leave.
Actually, no other cheating symptoms with me, but in the past he confessed to cheating on his ex-wife 2 different times in their relationship which I've posted about here in the past. Ugh! Wish I hadn't looked now. We're moving in together next wk & I feel like an idiot!Also stop apologizing for snooping like that is a bad thing.
I think you should continue to investigate further.
I am a big fan about communication and openess, but in this case I think you want to know what you are dealing with first before confronting.
Are there any other symptoms of possible cheating?
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It really seems that you think everything would be fine if he was cheating on you but you didn't know about it. Why would you stay in a relationship like that? I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel, but have you been in relationships like this in the past? Would you say you have healthy self esteem?Actually, no other cheating symptoms with me, but in the past he confessed to cheating on his ex-wife 2 different times in their relationship which I've posted about here in the past. Ugh! Wish I hadn't looked now. We're moving in together next wk & I feel like an idiot!
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C
Only a fool would move in with such a man, especially knowing his pattern.
Well, I was in an 8+ year live-in relationship with a porn addict binge drinker who neglected me, hid, denied, & gaslighted me & it killed my self esteem. I thought I'd worked past that after I finally kicked him out & stayed single for 2 yrs. working on myself, but I guess I haven't come as far in that area as I thought. He is so good to me, makes me feel loved & special, & is the best bf I've ever had! it hurts so much to think I chose poorly again.It really seems that you think everything would be fine if he was cheating on you but you didn't know about it. Why would you stay in a relationship like that? I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel, but have you been in relationships like this in the past? Would you say you have healthy self esteem?
C
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start digging on the down low. if hes a scum bucket then leave. you will find another guy and keep dumping them until you find the right guy.Well, I was in an 8+ year live-in relationship with a porn addict binge drinker who neglected me, hid, denied, & gaslighted me & it killed my self esteem. I thought I'd worked past that after I finally kicked him out & stayed single for 2 yrs. working on myself, but I guess I haven't come as far in that area as I thought. He is so good to me, makes me feel loved & special, & is the best bf I've ever had! it hurts so much to think I chose poorly again.
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While I think you should re-think the moving-in part until this is resolved to your satisfaction, this could also be a case of a saved picture he found that he thought was attractive.
Then again, he has a record of cheating soooo.....
Then again, he has a record of cheating soooo.....
So, I composed the below email to send him or read to him at some point next week. I find it to be much easier to communicate difficult topics in writing so I get all my thoughts out uninterrupted. Let me know what y'all think:
It's obvious you know that I saw that woman's profile pic that u recently downloaded into the desktop photo album on your laptop titled 'us'. I looked in the album because you freely let me use the laptop, the album was right on your desktop, & i wanted to see what pics of us were in there, & then I saw her pic in there too & that you downloaded it in July. I really didn't know how to handle it at the time, so I didn't say anything, & then when I looked in the album again last nite so I could ask you about it, it was gone/deleted; so u clearly know I saw it. I still didn't say anything last nite cause I've been down this road before w/my ex-bf as your know, and I fear that if I do mention it, you will just deny its existence since there's now no evidence. In my dealing w/his lies & denials I learned that this is a tactic people use called gaslighting - which consists of denying & claiming ignorance/innocence since there's no evidence, which then makes the other person doubt what they saw & retreat. The possibility of u doing that to me about this pic I saw is actually more frightening to me than anything because it would show that you don't respect me enough to be honest about this & think gaslighting is a better/easier out for u. But even though I'm afraid that you may cop ignorance & gaslight me, I've been thru enough bs in my past & respect myself enough to take the risk of asking you to please be truthful with me & tell me why you downloaded a pic of someone from a dating/meetup site just this past July?
It's obvious you know that I saw that woman's profile pic that u recently downloaded into the desktop photo album on your laptop titled 'us'. I looked in the album because you freely let me use the laptop, the album was right on your desktop, & i wanted to see what pics of us were in there, & then I saw her pic in there too & that you downloaded it in July. I really didn't know how to handle it at the time, so I didn't say anything, & then when I looked in the album again last nite so I could ask you about it, it was gone/deleted; so u clearly know I saw it. I still didn't say anything last nite cause I've been down this road before w/my ex-bf as your know, and I fear that if I do mention it, you will just deny its existence since there's now no evidence. In my dealing w/his lies & denials I learned that this is a tactic people use called gaslighting - which consists of denying & claiming ignorance/innocence since there's no evidence, which then makes the other person doubt what they saw & retreat. The possibility of u doing that to me about this pic I saw is actually more frightening to me than anything because it would show that you don't respect me enough to be honest about this & think gaslighting is a better/easier out for u. But even though I'm afraid that you may cop ignorance & gaslight me, I've been thru enough bs in my past & respect myself enough to take the risk of asking you to please be truthful with me & tell me why you downloaded a pic of someone from a dating/meetup site just this past July?
BTW, several times last night he would give me this long sideways glance and ask how I was doing or if I was ok like he was waiting for me to bring it up. I just played like nothing was up & we had a nice evening, with him being extra talkative, complimentary, & loving. At one point he even said I was the perfect woman for him. Then at bedtime I made a point of saying to him, "Please be kind and gentle to my fragile little heart that loves you so." He held me close, kissed me, and said that I have a kind, loving, strong heart and he hopes he never takes it for granted. Hmmm Such a sweet talker.
As I've said before, he's shown no signs of cheating on me, we spend every evening after work together, as well as every weekend, so I more suspect that as Toffer said, this could be a case of a saved picture he found that he thought was attractive. We both enjoy porn together & individually which I'm fine with, but finding this pic that was clearly from a dating site is unsettling.
As I've said before, he's shown no signs of cheating on me, we spend every evening after work together, as well as every weekend, so I more suspect that as Toffer said, this could be a case of a saved picture he found that he thought was attractive. We both enjoy porn together & individually which I'm fine with, but finding this pic that was clearly from a dating site is unsettling.
I honesty would not be with a person who cheated, especially multiple times.Actually, no other cheating symptoms with me, but in the past he confessed to cheating on his ex-wife 2 different times in their relationship which I've posted about here in the past. Ugh! Wish I hadn't looked now. We're moving in together next wk & I feel like an idiot!
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Do not move in with him. In this case I would confront but you will be gas lighted.
This is not the man you were looking for.
Skip the email and talk to him.
The date on the photo could have been when it was copied to that folder, not necessarily the date he first saved it. But having the photo is something that needs to be explained.
Just talk to him about it.
The date on the photo could have been when it was copied to that folder, not necessarily the date he first saved it. But having the photo is something that needs to be explained.
Just talk to him about it.
Thanks Chris. I know it seems like it should be easy to bring up with him, but I'm a nervous personality and tend to get tongue tied & even freeze up when discussing awkward/difficult topics & then I never get my full thoughts out since I'm such a nervous wreck. We generally have great communication, it's just with awkward topics like this that I become useless, hence writing things out first & either sending it or reading it to him. I also think the added fear of him gaslighting me is freezing me up even more (thanks Entropy! j/k). It brings back so much pain from my last relationship that I don't even want to risk it happening & my view of him being completely tainted at this point. My past horrible experience taught me that sometimes ignorance IS truly bliss. I so wish I didn't know the things now I know about porn addiction & alcoholism; & that experience, plus my other encounters with different men since then (while I was single) has ruined my trust in men in general and led me to believe there will always be something & I just need to decide which dysfunctions I can live with, especially in my age range (late 30's-early 40's). If single, we're damaged from past bs by this point & I'd be naive to think there's a flawless, true man out there in this age range.
I love him so much, he's the best man I've ever been with as far as how he treats me & our overall compatibility is concerned, & we're both so excited about starting the next chapter of living together; plus the lease is signed, deposit money given, & we've closed-out our current individual leases; so it would be such a mess to back out of it all with a week to go. I'd rather wait, watch, & enjoy this next year in a nice big home as much as I can, & if he proves himself to be scum in that time, I can sever ties when the lease is up.
I will still confront him about this pic, but in my way.
Reading what I just wrote makes me sad. I know I sound pitiful, but these are the realities of adult mid-life & our times; people with true integrity are hard to find & most likely already spoken for.
I love him so much, he's the best man I've ever been with as far as how he treats me & our overall compatibility is concerned, & we're both so excited about starting the next chapter of living together; plus the lease is signed, deposit money given, & we've closed-out our current individual leases; so it would be such a mess to back out of it all with a week to go. I'd rather wait, watch, & enjoy this next year in a nice big home as much as I can, & if he proves himself to be scum in that time, I can sever ties when the lease is up.
I will still confront him about this pic, but in my way.
Reading what I just wrote makes me sad. I know I sound pitiful, but these are the realities of adult mid-life & our times; people with true integrity are hard to find & most likely already spoken for.
Don't confront yet please don't make this mistake.Hey guys! I swear I was not snooping. I have been down the hunting for pain road in my past relationship with a porn addict & know the dangers, so I don't snoop. Well last nite I was on my bf's laptop that he freely lets me use & I noticed a photo album on his desktop titled 'us'. So automatically assumed it was pics of us & opened it to see exactly which ones of us they were. Well, there was one pic of us in there & one of some provacatively dressed woman I've never seen before, & the pic was titled something like 'hiding5660'. I don't remember t exactly but it was clearly a username/handle from some dating site or other. We met thru Match & I know he used to use fling.com for some no strings fun before we met so...Oh, and the date that the pic was downloaded into the album was just this past July. We've been together for over a year now!
Anyway, now that I've seen this and am unsettled by it, what do u think I should do next? Confront him about it or let it go cause he'll think I was snooping no matter what I say, and resolve myself to living w/somone I'm now suspicious of?
Thx!
Posted via Mobile Device
If he is seeing this person currently there will be a trail. You need to pretend everything is okay.
You should ask him leading questions if you want to know more. Ask him for example if he used any other sites for dating. Also google the womans handle you might get lucky and get a hit. You want to find out if they are communicating and what the primary mode of communication is.
Since it is a handle you are looking for a dating site, or instant messenger service like yahoo. Then progress from there. Once you have some evidence of what exactly is going on . Then confront. If you just go off half ****ed anything he was doing will get deleted or hidden better. So don't rock the boat since he probably doesn't have his guard up.
Thanks, this is my ultimate thinking as well. I've composed that email, but don't think it's wise to confront him at this point since he's already deleted that evidence. I do worry that since he deleted it, he now knows I've seen it & may think my silence means acquiesence/acceptance of deception on his part and/or have his guard up now. What do you think?Don't confront yet please don't make this mistake.
If he is seeing this person currently there will be a trail. You need to pretend everything is okay.
You should ask him leading questions if you want to know more. Ask him for example if he used any other sites for dating. Also google the womans handle you might get lucky and get a hit. You want to find out if they are communicating and what the primary mode of communication is.
Since it is a handle you are looking for a dating site, or instant messenger service like yahoo. Then progress from there. Once you have some evidence of what exactly is going on . Then confront. If you just go off half ****ed anything he was doing will get deleted or hidden better. So don't rock the boat since he probably doesn't have his guard up.
Two things...
First, read the email over and over so you have it almost memorized. Then talk to him.You want to be able to read his expressions, direct the conversation the way YOU want and shift directions if you feel the need.
Never ask a yes/no question. For example, don't ask if he is seeing that girl (of course the answer is no). Ask why he had the picture, when did he get it, why did he delete it (all NOT yes/no answers).
Second, yes talk to him now. Waiting around to find something else? If he knows you saw it AND he is cheating, he will just go underground and it may take months/years before you find something out.
Have the conversation in a relaxed, non-confrontational tone so he will be more apt to open up. Do it now before you get further down the road with him.
First, read the email over and over so you have it almost memorized. Then talk to him.You want to be able to read his expressions, direct the conversation the way YOU want and shift directions if you feel the need.
Never ask a yes/no question. For example, don't ask if he is seeing that girl (of course the answer is no). Ask why he had the picture, when did he get it, why did he delete it (all NOT yes/no answers).
Second, yes talk to him now. Waiting around to find something else? If he knows you saw it AND he is cheating, he will just go underground and it may take months/years before you find something out.
Have the conversation in a relaxed, non-confrontational tone so he will be more apt to open up. Do it now before you get further down the road with him.
I think you deserve better than this. Even though you love him etc etc. He has a proven character flaw of cheating, and you have found smoking gun evidence of at least a wandering mind if not more. Sounds very risky.
Do you have a history of abuse? An alcoholic parent, borderline personality disordered parent, other trauma or abuse in your upbringing? It sounds to me like you are following the desperation script that so many abused women are on. They fear the rejection or loss so badly that they will stay in the abusive relationship. Cheating is a form of abuse, too.
For many people, finding the picture would be enough to call off the relationship. Even if he had no intention of dating her, it is a serious error in judgment to download a photo from a dating site of an attractive woman when he is already in an exclusive relationship. For many people it would be suspicious enough to not risk continuing deeper into the relationship.
Do you have a history of abuse? An alcoholic parent, borderline personality disordered parent, other trauma or abuse in your upbringing? It sounds to me like you are following the desperation script that so many abused women are on. They fear the rejection or loss so badly that they will stay in the abusive relationship. Cheating is a form of abuse, too.
For many people, finding the picture would be enough to call off the relationship. Even if he had no intention of dating her, it is a serious error in judgment to download a photo from a dating site of an attractive woman when he is already in an exclusive relationship. For many people it would be suspicious enough to not risk continuing deeper into the relationship.
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