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Found proof of affair

477K views 759 replies 95 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
Hi all,

About 6 Weeks back I got the ILYBINILWY from my wife. I was shocked and floored. We have been together for 16 years with no kids. For the last three weeks, I tried to make myself better,
More importantly, he did nice stuff. It didn’t really change my wife’s perspective or feelings at all. She claimed that I was too distant, didn’t like doing what she liked, and laid a lot of things I did wrong on me. I read it. I worked on it. I acknowledged those things. I even researched marriage counseling.

She said she wanted to move out and have some space. I begged her that it was not the right thing to do for us. I really stood back and looked through the relationship from 2500 feet. And things were not adding up.

I did a little sniping and found she had been having an affair with a work colleague on mutual work trips for about a year. I have some texts discussing him among friends. No hard evidence.

When I confronted her about OM, she denied ever cheating on me or having an emotional affair.

You can tell by her attitude after being confirmed that she is sunken, riddled with guilt.

I’m going to contact a lawyer tomorrow. I cannot live with the betrayal. Do the 180.

Any other support is appreciated.
 
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#2 ·
Your doing exactly what needs to be done. And cheaters never tell the truth. Even if you had in print and a movie. And once you receive the ILYBNILWY it's done. Your way ahead of the game. Good for you! Lawyer up only give what you must, do not take her back if she tries to come back if she fails. Do find out more and use that info to get the best divorce deal. Once done go nuclear and tell everyone even her employment, and informed the other betrayed spouse.

And her family as she will rewrite your marital history. In a attempt to save face because she caused the divorce.
 
#4 ·
Your doing exactly what needs to be done. And cheaters never tell the truth. Even if you had in print and a movie. And once you receive the ILYBNILWY it's done. Your way ahead of the game. Good for you! Lawyer up only give what you must, do not take her back if she tries to come back if she fails. Do find out more and use that info to get the best divorce deal. Once done go nuclear and tell everyone even her employment, and informed the other betrayed spouse.

And her family as she will rewrite your marital history. In a attempt to save face because she caused the divorce.
Wait until the divorce is final to tell
Mutual friends and her family? I want to do it before she beats me to it
 
#3 ·
Hi all

about 6 Weeks back I got the ILYBINILWY from my wife. I was shocked floored. We have been together for 16 years no kids. For the last three weeks I tried to make myself better,
More appealing, did nice stuff. It didn’t really change my wife’s perspective or feelings at all. She claimed that i was too distant, didn’t like doing what she liked, laid a lot of things I did wrong on me. I read I worked on it. I acknowledged those things. I even research marriage counseling
This is called the "pick me" dance. You think this is YOUR fault and you jump through hoops. The reality is, she is trying to justify her affair. It is YOUR fault (in her mind) that drove her to do this. I hope you realize it has NOTHING to do with you. The cheating is 100% on her

She said she wanted to move out and have some space. I begged her that it was not the right thing to do for us.
I really stood back and looked through the relationship from 2500 feet. And things were not adding up.
This is so she can bang her AP without fear of getting caught by you. GREAT that you went with your gut feeling that it wasn't truthful.

I did a little sniping and found she has been in an affair with a work college on mutual work trips for about a year. Ihave some textsdiscussing him between friends. No hard evidence.
Keep whatever you found in a safe place. You may need it later.

I confronted her about OM, she denied ever Cheating on me or having an emotional affair

You can tell by her attitude after being confirmed she is sunken, riddled with guilt

I’m going to contact a lawyer tomorrow. I cannot live with the betrayal. Do the 180

any other support is appreciated
Find out if this co-worker is married. Expose this to his wife/gf. Expose this to family -- she WILL try to re-write your marital history to make this seem like YOU are a monster, and SHE didn't do anything with this guy until AFTER she moved out.
 
#9 ·
Hi all

about 6 Weeks back I got the ILYBINILWY from my wife. I was shocked floored. We have been together for 16 years no kids. For the last three weeks I tried to make myself better,
More appealing, did nice stuff. It didn’t really change my wife’s perspective or feelings at all. She claimed that i was too distant, didn’t like doing what she liked, laid a lot of things I did wrong on me. I read I worked on it. I acknowledged those things. I even research marriage counseling

She said she wanted to move out and have some space. I begged her that it was not the right thing to do for us.
I really stood back and looked through the relationship from 2500 feet. And things were not adding up.

I did a little sniping and found she has been in an affair with a work college on mutual work trips for about a year. Ihave some textsdiscussing him between friends. No hard evidence.

I confronted her about OM, she denied ever Cheating on me or having an emotional affair

You can tell by her attitude after being confirmed she is sunken, riddled with guilt

I’m going to contact a lawyer tomorrow. I cannot live with the betrayal. Do the 180

any other support is appreciated
She wants separation to spend more time and focus with her affair partner. The one thing all cheaters have in common is they lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting.

You should inform the other mans wife. She is probably going through hell as well.

If the texts messages confirm the affair that’s all you need. Send the evidence to his wife.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. A lot upfront just want them back without thinking about what they’d be getting back. For a lot it’ll always be the elephant in the room.

No kids I’d file and move on with my life. You’ll never be able to trust her again anyway.
 
#10 ·
Definitely stop with the infamous “pick me dance”. All that does is lower your status. Nicing them Back does the same thing.

Move her out of your bedroom and it would be advisable to get STD testing ASAP. You don’t know who or where her other man has been with. I’d doubt your wife is the only one.

You can bank this is a full blown sexual affair.

Try and stay out of denial. That will only get you an extended stay in limbo.

What you are seeing unfortunately is pretty typical. Shes just your very typical, lying cheater. Nothing special about her or this at all. The sooner you cut contact you'll get more clarity and see reality.

Get strong and stay there. You will get through this better if you do.

Sorry you’re here. Keep posting you’ll need the support.
 
#11 · (Edited)
Some ideas:

  • STD EXAM!
  • Lawyer UP! I would have her served at work.
  • No Sex with her. It will be viewed by a judge as forgiveness.
  • 180 Religiously
  • Individual Counseling for Yourself.
  • You are showing Strength, Courage, and Decisive Action. Keep it up. Let her remember you that way.
 
#13 ·
Take my word for it Chicago, before she started "taking up with another man", she had already lost major romantic interest in you. Once that happens, they start looking for someone to fill the void and her interest in you will never return to a level you'll find satisfactory. If you manage to reconcile, as they say, you'll likely be back as yet another thread starter with, "Little sex since reconciliation".
Ditch the chick and move on. Upgraded replacements are not that hard to come by.
 
#15 ·
These are the texts, let me know if I am jumping to conclusions

W “This is so hard”

W” I’ve even been distancing myself from
OM to try and not complicate my feelings more, and it doesn’t change how I feel”

friend “blah blah you need space”

I have a text from OM the other night “you wanted a text. did you fall asleep?”

onLy text in thread as she must be deleting them

text from same as before Friend part of longer message
“I had no idea you were not happy in your marraige. I had no idea you were talking to another man”

The talking is what got me. Maybe it is just talking.

I also have photo of them from an event my wife never told me About. During a work trip.

I think I have Substantial evidence
Of at least an emotional Affair and like Many have said likely physical

Not sure if I should keep digging or just get it over with
 
#19 ·
These are the texts, let me know if I am jumping to conclusions

W “This is so hard”

W” I’ve even been distancing myself from
OM to try and not complicate my feelings more, and it doesn’t change how I feel”

friend “blah blah you need space”

At least an emotional affair

I have a text from OM the other night “you wanted a text. did you fall asleep?”

They are in communication and it’s mutual sounds like

onLy text in thread as she must be deleting them

text from same as before Friend part of longer message
“I had no idea you were not happy in your marraige. I had no idea you were talking to another man”

Shes probably telling her friend only so much but I doubt the full truth. No cheater wants to admit what they’ve been up to.

The talking is what got me. Maybe it is just talking.

I also have photo of them from an event my wife never told me About. During a work trip.

If it’s secretive she’s in deep. Sorry man, no one deserves this

I think I have Substantial evidence
Of at least an emotional Affair and like Many have said likely physical

Not sure if I should keep digging or just get it over with
Get strong stay there. Talk won’t get you anything in these situation. She’s not gonna listen to you.
Only your actions will count for much. Most in your situation just can’t believe it so they wallow for an extended period of time. Not a good place to be in.

The thing is you are the only one that can keep yourself in this.
 
#16 ·
If it’s an emotional affair with contact it’s always sexual too. Especially if they are away on business trips together. Plus she lied about “not even an emotional affair too” didn’t she.

Most like you want absolute proof but that’s hard to get in a workplace affair. This isn’t a court of law. You only need proof for you.

However, a voice activated recorder in her car or a PI if you have the funds is your best bet. If that’s what you want/need keep your mouth shut. You’ve already tipped her off so she’ll be more careful now and go deeper underground.

Her wanting the separation is right out of the cheaters script. That’s only for her to focus and spend time with him with you out of the way. This happens a lot. You see it all the time.

You’d be better off to file rather than do a separation. Now that you know what it’s for.
 
#21 ·
Manipulation techniques don’t work well You’ll find. Look at what she’s doing currently. Lying and hiding. They work together so she’s with him at least 8 hours a day. If they have contact it won’t end.

If you wanted to try and save the marriage exposure to his wife or their work is about your only option but you need more concrete evidence for that. She’ll be a lot smarter now so....

Plus she’d have to find another job but the capability is there. There will always be another guy around.

You have some deep thinking to do.
 
#22 ·
What you’re going through isn’t fair but that won’t change a thing. Just because you now know doesn’t mean she’ll stop either.

It sounds like it started as an EA but developed into a physical affair probably on their work trip which is why she wants a separation. I suspect she’s cut off sex with you too. That’s because she doesn’t want to cheat on her other man. Not uncommon. Sounds sick I know but....
 
#31 ·
It was an emotional affair that got physical. As someone else mentioned, adults have sex. This isn't high school. You already have a smoking gun. You know she's involved with another man and she's told you she isn't in love with you anymore. What else do you need?

Also, "talking to" in my area means casually dating/screwing. Might be a regional thing, but you're in my general region, so.. yeah. Sorry, man.

yep she sure has. Right when she told
Me ILYBNILWY. I begged and pleaded the first 4 weeks. But in the last couple days since finding out have given her 0 attention. Now she is asking me if we can have sex.
Of course she does! If the marriage ends she goes from 2 men to 1, or even possibly zero if OM decides he's not serious about her at all. She's hedging her bets. Honestly, I'd guess she never actually intended to leave the marriage, more like put it on hold until she decided between you. She's gone from 2 men giving her attention to 1 man far away and the other ignoring her. Poor muffin. So, to keep you hooked unless/until she makes a solid choice, which she cannot do without investigating things with OM, she will use hysterical bonding sex to keep you firlmy in place as Plan B.

Do NOT be Plan B. Just start the divorce process and don't look back.
 
#28 ·
The thing you need to understand. No contact is up to you not her. You don’t owe her anything.

If you don't cut the contact you’ll keep yourself in this.

Id tell her she needs to move out. That’s what she wanted anyway right? Then just treat this as a business decision. Text or email business only. Never answer a phone call, etc.

If you want to move on that Is your best path.
 
#30 ·
Marc is right about everything he has said.

Dude, no kids, just move on. She has been screwing him every time they have gotten together. No Doubt...

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER EVER AGAIN... for a lot of reasons, lots of courts see that as "Forgiveness" as it related to divorce.

She is lying to you about everything... You need to tell here to move out if she will, it will make it easier for you.

File ASAP, and start a new life...
 
#33 · (Edited)
Dear Chicago,

I'm sorry you are going through this and understand your pain. I would like to point out, each state has its own interpretation of the law when it involves divorce in relation to adultery and alimony. Some states will grant alimony to a spouse base on their ability to gain employment and their potential rate of pay. I've been in the law area for many years, if you have any questions please consult your attorney.

That being said; On a personal level, I would blow their world apart with total exposure. Also, read some of the threads on Surviving Infidelity

Best,
Dreamer
 
#34 ·
You don't have much proof. Basically what you have is circumstantial evidence.

The top sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. Deleting texts. You've got that.

The second most common sign of cheating is changing in behavior. Cold, distant, emotionless, at best. Finding you annnoying, everything you say or do, literally sometimes just eating and breathing, annoys her about you. Obviously, she told I love you not in love with you out of the blue, she wants a separation out of the blue, no wanting to try marriage counseling first, you discovering messages that her friends are surprised your marriage is terrible (i.e., wife never complained about your marriage until now, when wife is ready to leave you and needs an explanation as to why) you finding an amusement park pic with another man which your wife would never keep from you something like that in the past, etc., etc., etc., a lot of circumstantial evidence. A story that doesn't make sense except if you imagine this whole cheating scenario.

You do know also that your wife has lied to you, deceived, and I am assuming, you can verify, she only deletes things about this other man, your wife is not normally a deleter of anything.

So you can be fairly assured that she is cheating on you as most of us would define cheating. Is it physical? Before I give my opinion, I would preface to say that cheating is a very predictable behavior. The cheater lies, deceives, guards the phone, deletes texts, blames the betrayed spouse even though in 16 years never had a real problem with it, wants to separate, I love you but not in love with you ... these are basic cheating behaviors that most "friend" affairs incllude - types of affairs with an ex-boyfriend, a co-worker, a neighbor, a teacher in the kid's school, a coach in the kid's sport team, a guy at the gym, etc.

In these cases, 98 percent it goes physical before the I love you but not in love with you and separation is rolled out. The denial of sex usually is after it goes physical in the affair. The cheater doesn't have desire for you, is getting it elsewhere, doesn't want to cheat on her other man - any number of reasons for that. As wife's friend said, wife needs to figure this out, needs space. Basically, wife has found another man who might make her happy like she's never been happy before, but she needs time to figure out what is best, new shiny or old reliable. New shiny looks really exiciting, butterflies in stomach effect gets her wetter than she's been in a long time, but what if new shiny isn't reliable, breaks down easily, turns out to be a lemon in the long haul. She'd like to get an extended test drive, not just the one hour at the dealer, but take it out for a week or two or month or two and see how new shiny really runs. If all is good, then she can get rid of old reliable, but not before. She still has some affection for old reliable, but she is really sick of the same old wear and tear, there has always been some faults in old reliable and sometimes you get annoyed with the little things that last a long time than a bigger issue in new shiny.

You may never know the full truth, but you can figure out that she didn't leave you without testing the other guy enough. I'd be shocked if she didn't have sex with him before telling you the I love you but not in love with you and asked for a separation.

As far as your wife and her friends being surprised. I think your wife's friends probably are moral, ethical people who look down upon cheating. They would not look well upon your wife if she cheated on you. So wife tells them the marriage is bad, has been bad, and she is getting support with another man, and she's starting to have feelings for him, and she can't help her feelings. She probably would lie to her friends, too, about the cheating if the friends disliked cheaters. My wife never told her friends she was cheating because they were against cheating. Frequently cheaters develop a new set of friends who are more amenable to cheating.

Your wife probably dislikes cheaters. Or she used to. And her and her friends were on the same value system. Now your wife is cheating, so she has to tell her friends that she separated first, then it really wasn't cheating. That would have been the next step, I guess. After she left that terrible marriage, this co-worker supported her and it turned to something else, something more.

Now from just the snippets you've caught there might be problems in paradise. Him telling her, you (wife) wanted a text, here it is, you must have fallen asleep, doesn't sound great. Wife got into this affair most likely because this dude was blowing smoke up her butt like 24/7, compliments up the gazoo, not I'm texting you because I have to because you said so, wife wants to hear from him I'm texting you because you are so hot and I am touching myself here and need to hear your voice you sexy thing.

Entrance wife's doubt, cue music of her wanting sex with you again to make sure her old reliable is still available in case new shiny turns out to be a lemon.
 
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