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CH, don't you realize how much disrespect she has for you? She even has the "luxury" to reply after 24 hrs, as if she's the one doing 180, not you.
The roles are being reversed unfairy and you are helping her to maintain HER game with you, according to her own timeframe, pace of conversations and conditions.

When is it enough for you?
How much can you tolerate?
The more you fuel her game, the more disdain she feels towards you.

Not only won't she love you just like before (if she ever did since you got married) ...but she won't think of you as a man,....at least not a man worth reconciling with.

From the female perspective, she's done with you, unless you still want to pay her bills.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk
 

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Wow....your wife is out rageously controlling and manipulative. Plus she found a therapist that mirrors her wayward thoughts and denial in order to keep the fees rolling in.

I'm glad you're not currently living with her. It seems like most every time you have contact she takes advantage of your feelings for her (and she knows it).

At least distancing from her is allowing you to slowly work your way toward exiting an abusive relationship.

1 – if you guys go to a therapist, ideally find a therapist with special training in trauma and/or infidelity. Why? because the new therapist must have more credibility/credentials than her incompetent therapist. HOWEVER, don’t be surprised if her therapist advises against any therapist that you nominate.

2 - frankly, by ignoring your question about her contact with the OM, she's admitting she's still in contact. In fact, he's likely encouraging her (along with her therapist) in her wayward thinking in the belief that she’s the victim (and not you).

For some of us (and for good reason) continued contact plus insisting that she’s the victim would be a deal breaker.

3 -" per her therapists my requests are a band-aid approach when the real work needs to be me fixing my issues that caused her affair". If the therapist stands by that statement, request that her therapist put their opinion in writing so you can share a copy of the therapist’s opinion with the state licensing authority.

4 - FINALLY, from your posts, she’s not taking anything you’re said seriously and has found her own wayward thinking support group with the OM and the therapist.

I know you don’t want to hear this but I don’t see any middle ground here or basis for reconciling.

IMO, your best strategy (to save your marriage if that’s what you want) for dealing with her stonewalling and wayward thinking is to not give her any validation or recognition.

Cancel any future therapy with her, file for divorce and stop all contact until she takes action (instead of promises) with respect to your initial list.
 

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I think very little if any of her communication or thoughts in the last 5.5 weeks have had to do with me
This is all to often, the reality. You Realizing it is a step in the right direction. She is in the wrong and will do anything to spin The blame away from herself. Until you also realize that and take steps to protect yourself, you will be vulnerable.

Counseling, will not work unless she is 100% accepting blame and applying all her effort working to reconciliation. Any direction from her that In any way directs you to do anything but observe her doing everything she can to fix this, is just another manipulation tool.

Q~
 

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Agree

I greatly value female opinions when the wayward is a female.
Okay. I’ll give you mine. She‘s totally a POS who’s playing him for whatever reason and at least part of him is still hoping against hope that she’ll change back into who he thought she was.

His posts are really, really difficult for me to read and I don’t type a tenth of what I actually think about the situation. I’d get banned if I did.

I absolutely despise women like her.
 

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Nobody is able to understand when they’re experiencing it for the first time, that a cheating wife that no longer is in love with her husband anymore—- they are not the same person you married by definition— they don’t love you anymore. She will seem like a different person because she is. And she will screw you over. The longer you wait to file, the worse off you’ll be. Tahoe advantage of the fact she wants out.

a therapistcan’t make your wife fall in love with you again— I know you already know that...
 

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Thanks for everyone input and yes Philly I certainly am in a better place than I was 2/3 weeks ago. Much better. No I haven't filed for divorce, but I am not scared to loose her anymore, I have realized I already have lost her, we have been separated for nearly 6 weeks, she had/has a boyfriend. I am making progress and appreciate everyone thoughts and comments
OP - it sounds like ýou're in Australia (so am I) from some of your other comments, I STRONGLY advise you to file for legal separation, so that there is a definitive, legal date for your split. If she takes out a credit card in your name, or a loan, you could be on the hook for half the debt. PLEASE do this asap.

3 -" per her therapists my requests are a band-aid approach when the real work needs to be me fixing my issues that caused her affair". If the therapist stands by that statement, request that her therapist put their opinion in writing so you can share a copy of the therapist’s opinion with the state licensing authority.
This is why I'm not a fan of IC in situations like this. Her affair is 100% on her and her alone. Nothing you did/ didn't do, or did/didn't say made her do it, she chose that all on her own. Her therapist is a friggin joke.
 

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I know my process hjas been more deliberate and softer than some would like - but it is my process and I am slowly getting there - I am seeing the light
Dawg, it ain't what we would like. Its what we know will be effective. How many people has got to tell you she playing you like a $5.00 yard sale guitar and neutering you right out of the gate. She throws the "control" word at you and you react like a trained seal. Here's the lowdown my man. If a guys wife starts sporting around with other guys, he damn well get in control of the situation or wimp out and leave the pack like a whipped male wolf. Read Lovely Girls post 661. She's dead on the money. She's giving you invaluable information on how women feel about a man they can kick around and puzzy whip. Instead of paying a marriage counselor, digest her advise and send her a check.
 

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Hi all

about 6 Weeks back I got the ILYBINILWY from my wife. I was shocked floored. We have been together for 16 years no kids. For the last three weeks I tried to make myself better,
More appealing, did nice stuff. It didn’t really change my wife’s perspective or feelings at all. She claimed that i was too distant, didn’t like doing what she liked, laid a lot of things I did wrong on me. I read I worked on it. I acknowledged those things. I even research marriage counseling

She said she wanted to move out and have some space. I begged her that it was not the right thing to do for us.
I really stood back and looked through the relationship from 2500 feet. And things were not adding up.

I did a little sniping and found she has been in an affair with a work college on mutual work trips for about a year. Ihave some textsdiscussing him between friends. No hard evidence.

I confronted her about OM, she denied ever Cheating on me or having an emotional affair

You can tell by her attitude after being confirmed she is sunken, riddled with guilt

I’m going to contact a lawyer tomorrow. I cannot live with the betrayal. Do the 180

any other support is appreciated
I do not blame you , you deserve to have someone who appreciates your worth good luck and keep us posted 😁
 

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Sorry, but why do you want to save the marriage? Where is the value to you? All you get back is a lying, cheater who has no love or respect for you.
Sadly your wife is now more involved with OM than you. He holds a higher value for her than you do.

If you reconcile you will not get the woman who you loved and married years ago. That person is long gone and is not coming back.

ILYBNILWY? Believe her. Do you want a wife who is not in love with you, but is most likely in love with another man. Respect yourself. Take care of yourself, no one else will.

The answer would be easy for me.
 

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I would tell her the $10.00 hookers near Madison between Kedzie and Damen have more integrity then her. Chicago, don’t interact anymore, just let the bus run her over. Saying your flaws and issues drove her to cheat is very telling, she will not accept responsibility for her choices. Remorse very well may never enter her.
 

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If you do some reading, you will quickly start to see almost miraculous similarities in what you’re hearing and seeing from your wife. It will be almost like deja vu.
It’s because people are people. They do the same stuff s as he say the same things. In all honestly, several of the people hear could likely listen to your wife in a conversation with you and predict nearly the exact words out of her mouth.

YOUR cheating wife has told you plainly “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
She is not special, your situation isn’t special. This is just how it is. We all have been there. We know how this goes.

You don’t have a special situation. It’s special to you, your wife is special to you. But what has happened is not, and what is going to happen is predictable as what 2 + 2 equals.

She’s told you she’s no longer in love with you.
You aren’t in the right state of mind to believe her—-YET.
We that have been there before only want you to avoid as much pain as possible.

you are going about this like 99% of men that have been given the ILYBINILWY speech, and will get the same result, which is a long, long time of misery.

you’d be soooooooo much better off acting like a strong, confident man and filing for divorce and explains to her you are no longer interested in a woman that doesn’t love you.

truth is, you divorce takes a while, and you could always back out. You won’t if you’re smart.

the truth is a hard pill to swallow. I wish you luck getting it down.
 

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TAM is full of men trying so hard to ”nice” their cheating wives back. Know what their wives are likely thinking? “I can do whatever I want married to a man like you; good to know.”

Women don‘t like weak men. We just don’t. Not all of us will take advantage of men who are weak but many will and cheaters almost certainly will. It’s like winning the lottery to be a cheating wife with a weak husband.

Keep that in mind.
 

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Nice does not work with a wayward. Full frontal assault via tell her you’re done, and going dark and 180 works. When you try nice she loses respect. As I have told numerous men on here women respect strength and when you go in to namby pamby nice guy mode they see you as nothing but a spineless wimp. Been there done that.
 

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I would tell her the $10.00 hookers near Madison between Kedzie and Damen have more integrity then her. Chicago, don’t interact anymore, just let the bus run her over. Saying your flaws and issues drove her to cheat is very telling, she will not accept responsibility for her choices. Remorse very well may never enter her.
That is an insult to those $10 hookers @drifting on
 

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Discussion Starter #676
Nice does not work with a wayward. Full frontal assault via tell her you’re done, and going dark and 180 works. When you try nice she loses respect. As I have told numerous men on here women respect strength and when you go in to namby pamby nice guy mode they see you as nothing but a spineless wimp. Been there done that.
Thankfully I am beginning to understand this
 

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Thankfully I am beginning to understand this
I started out trying to be super nice mr. Sensitive when I felt something was amiss. After D day the good folks on here set me straight. I changed direction, implemented the 180, and disappeared for six weeks. Worked on knocking sense into FWW. Now 4 and 1/2 years into r.
 

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I started out trying to be super nice mr. Sensitive when I felt something was amiss. After D day the good folks on here set me straight. I changed direction, implemented the 180, and disappeared for six weeks. Worked on knocking sense into FWW. Now 4 and 1/2 years into r.
NLLH, Your wife seems to be the exception to the rule. She immediately went into tying to chase you down and did everything in her power to save the marriage. Without her showing you immediate remorse and regret for what she did to you, you would not be where you are today.

Unfortunately, Chicago's wife is showing none of this. She has not even told him the truth of the affair. At the moment she is not a candidate for R and is showing signs that she never will be. I think COVID-19 stopped the physical aspect of the affair, but the emotional part remains strong.
 

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NLLH, Your wife seems to be the exception to the rule. She immediately went into tying to chase you down and did everything in her power to save the marriage. Without her showing you immediate remorse and regret for what she did to you, you would not be where you are today.

Unfortunately, Chicago's wife is showing none of this. She has not even told him the truth of the affair. At the moment she is not a candidate for R and is showing signs that she never will be. I think COVID-19 stopped the physical aspect of the affair, but the emotional part remains strong.
You are 100% spot on @TSDC60. Had my wife acted in a fashion similar to Chicago’s wife, I would have divorced without question. I feel for him having been in his shoes, I tried the nice **** when I first thought we were really having issues, but once I confirmed on Dday, it was time to rain hell down. And rain hell I did. I had never so much as raised my voice to my wife the entire time we were married, with the exception of when I was in the Corps and she charged $700 on a credit card one time, and that shocked the living hell out of her I could become so angry and indifferent once I went into 180 mode.

I at first thought the 180 was sort of strange, but after reading about it on here and implementing it, it is a pretty effective way to right the ship.
 
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