Talk About Marriage banner
301 - 320 of 434 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
18,308 Posts
@fido3039 I have read hundreds of stories over the years from betrayed men, your wife sleeping with four men in a span of couple of months indicates that this is not her first cheating spree!
Usually women when they first start cheating they take it slow and start with one guy!
Her boldness indicates that she has past experience that you don't know about!

My advice:
Don't pay the FULL price for something that other men (yes, not one man) got for free! (set back and think about this!)
Aye, tip of the iceberg. Sorry.

Water Cloud Blue Azure Fluid
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
54 Posts
Yes, that is true, but I am also a firmly believer that "the grass is greener on the other side" so perhaps I was hoping for an scenario where she would show true remorse about the loss of what she did
even if she did why does that matter what do you think you are teaching your kids . you only know of 4 can you swear there are no more ?? obviously no !!! now ask yourself why that is?? imagine down the road you find out more that theres more that you dont know and it devasted you what do you that impact will be towards you kids? what if you guys are going through a tough patch and she cheats and fall in love that person ? what do you think wil happen to the family unit your trying to save with someone who dosesnt value it as much as you do!!! she is only remorseful because you found out not that it happened you must know that !!! plus look at the amount of times it wasnt as if she meet one guy one day slept with him 2x and thats it !!! it was over a spam of time seriously just think about that for a moment!!! if you have rd other mens stories about cheating she is exhibitng texbook behaviour and so are you .. dont be fooled once is enough and hard enough to work out and build that trust again ... trust that she easily violated and that is not a little thing otherwise what is your relationship built on???? if its not trust how can you have love ???? even if she is remorseful you need to seperate how can you even heal if you havent dealt with it .. im soo confused i understand you have kids but as a parent you must make sure they understand and never settled with someone that cheats !!!she probably has always been doing this and you just never knew ? im sure she cheated on you on her bacheloreetle party if she had one... poeple dont just cheat sure someone makes a mistake but serially cheating c'mom i have a hard time believing they will change especially since there have been no consequences when it comes to .. ofcourse she doesnt what you to leave you are the one making the money.. she will be remorseful but that is not the reason you go back its the value put on trust dont you see that !! sorry for being harsh i know its tough right now for you and NOT your fault . but if you go back knowing all this and it messes up your kids you then play a major role in it.. right now you have dont nothing wrong you are not perfect but you have not violated your vows .. one day she may cheat again and confince herself it was a mistake but she could also convince herself she loves the other man then what????
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
54 Posts
It is one of the things I am so confused about. I know for sure that the woman I loved was not this woman, and for some reason I am believing on what she is telling me. I know I wont be the same person that trusted her deeply, and she knows this, so I believe that she knows what we are going to if we decide to reconcile and give it a try, she wont have it easy. This was the first and ever time she cheated, I can ensure you this.
you dont know that thats the problem !!! just think about that for a moment
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,284 Posts
OP, I want nothing more than the best for you and your son, but it seems like reality is not sinking in with you.

She lies and you accept it.
She gaslights and you accept it.
She has sex with other men and you accept it.
Her friends and family hide this from you and you accept it.

Her behavior is deplorable, but your behavior is weak... and to be honest, I think your problem is bigger than hers.

Being scared to contact the wives of those men that cheated with her, being scared to not be with her... your life is based on fear, yet you fear the wrong thing... you should fear staying with her, not being without her.

I think the only hope here is that she leaves you and you are forced to move on in a different direction.

If not, you will just accept her and allow her to repeatedly do this to you. You are setting yourself up for a years of pain unnecessarily.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
54 Posts
it hurts me beacsue your a good guy trying your hardest to find a reason .any in many instances to justify staying . you say your kid is the reason so your willing to keep your kid in an unhealthy environment ???? SERIOUSLY if your kid was truly your reason their well being mentally emotionally etc would guide your actions. nowhere there does it suggest living them in a toxic environment.. the damage it will cause them is hard to imagine !!i have a friend who went through something like you , she cheated several times he forgave because of his daughter he belived she had changed and 20 yrs after he found out that was not the case .. it destroyed him he is the kinda guy that always wants or try to find a way to forgive .. the sad news is now his daughter sometimes blames him beacuse she is soo messed up now.. i know she only says it when she gets mad but it destroys him even further.. i think his daughter is so mad because now he is a mess and she misses her dad . she doesnt blame him for her mons actions just wished he had left long time ago because she says to me she always knew something but just thought it was her dad that was cold to mom and couldnt understand why he couldnt be like other dads who showed signs of loving their wife(he was that way when he went through periods of remembering and when his wife worked lsate or went on business trips) .. i know i know what your saying but it did affect her even though his reason was to stay. and now that he found out and left her it devastates him how much it hurt his daughter.. so please dont keep you son in an toxic environment.. trust is only built when 2 people are completley honest with themslves and the other person completley.

i know you dont want the other families to know but get your wife to tell them then when your around and record it...truth releases everyone and healing begins .. thats the problem with cheating it doesnt just affect the person that has been cheated on it affects alot of people and you see that now.. if you really want to heal eveybody involved needs to know and then you need to block and remove them all from your life and in my opinion see if your wife does it on her own accord- blocking them .. you never want to be in a position of telling them what to do your not their parent . i'm also surprised she hasnt done that already if she is truly remorseful ?? doenst make sense please help me understand why she hasnt ?? why she hasnt' blocked them all from her life..

moving forward means means just that ... clean slate if she cant tell the other SO then your helping her keep things again and that is the behaviour you dont want.. in my humble opionion if u dont want to let them know okay then just move on leave this lady and dont risk your sons mental status by staying with someone that you to be honest dont really know !! sorry gin for being harsh but im trying to be honest .. my friend would tell you the same thing its a lie you have convinved yourself of what it might be and thats just it , its a lie isnt that ironic ????
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
706 Posts
Gee @Fido, what a nightmare. So sorry to read this.
You're mostly worried for your son, understandably.
50% of marriages end in divorce. It's totally possible to raise happy kids via co-parenting.
I raised 3, youngest was only 3 yrs old when I left. All are very successful now & all say they had a very happy childhood.
You're a good Dad, she's a good Mom. That's a great start. Just never argue in front of him. . . ever. The rest falls into place.
We did 50:50. I had them for a week, then he did.
I tried various options to see what THEY preferred, not us. They really liked the one week about.
It was good to give them options too because after all they were caught up in it!
It made them feel good to have input. Kids are far more aware of things than we give them credit for, even when very young.

Probably all 3 of you would be happier that way tbh.
Remember this. . . for a kid to be happy, Dad needs to be happy. Your happiness isn't only for you.

But. . . you said you might regret down the track that you didn't try something.
You could try staying 6 months. It's not long. It would be for YOU, not her, so you don't have any regrets.
See what she does, see if you can find out more eg get her to give you her phone records/email going back years etc . . .if you want.
Maybe she's telling the truth but cheaters lie so much and rarely tell all. . . you know the score. . .
I just think it might be good for you to see how it felt so that when you do go, you'll have no regrets.
Just to prove it to yourself & avoid regrets. Btw, I don't believe in R, saying this cos you said bout feeling guilty in the future.

I used to think if my husband cheated, I'd prefer if he had eg 4 one-night stands with 4 different women, rather than sleeping 4 times with the same woman. Because there'd be no emotional connection.
But you know what? I'd never stay either way. Tbh it doesn't matter to me if it was 1,3,15 times, 3,4,5 APs. Whatever. Betrayal is betrayal. . . period.
In fact, even if it was only one EA I'd still walk, no question.
You know why? Because even if they change, even if they never cheated again, I'd never feel 100% easy in my mind. And I wouldn't want to live that way.
Life is too short. You're young, you're a great Dad, you've got a great kid. Just make sure to get 50:50 custody.
Finally, there are plenty of good women out there.

Hang in there, it was surely a big shock but you are sounding calmer.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,024 Posts
You can not imagine, man. The lack of sleep is eating me alive. I have so much uncertainty that is killing me. Uncertain on what to do or what to believe. All I want is to somehow get my family back, but I understand it will never be the same, and it will take lots of time and effort.
You are uncertain, because you know she is an extremely poor risk for reconciliation. Once you make a decision to move on with divorce, you will start feeling better. I recommend you make a plan for helping your son get through this and how to spend plenty of time with him going forward. Your main issue is the health of your son. You do not need to remain married in order for him to be healthy, but it will take a deliberate and conscious effort on your part.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #314 ·
even if she did why does that matter what do you think you are teaching your kids . you only know of 4 can you swear there are no more ?? obviously no !!! now ask yourself why that is?? imagine down the road you find out more that theres more that you dont know and it devasted you what do you that impact will be towards you kids? what if you guys are going through a tough patch and she cheats and fall in love that person ? what do you think wil happen to the family unit your trying to save with someone who dosesnt value it as much as you do!!! she is only remorseful because you found out not that it happened you must know that !!! plus look at the amount of times it wasnt as if she meet one guy one day slept with him 2x and thats it !!! it was over a spam of time seriously just think about that for a moment!!! if you have rd other mens stories about cheating she is exhibitng texbook behaviour and so are you .. dont be fooled once is enough and hard enough to work out and build that trust again ... trust that she easily violated and that is not a little thing otherwise what is your relationship built on???? if its not trust how can you have love ???? even if she is remorseful you need to seperate how can you even heal if you havent dealt with it .. im soo confused i understand you have kids but as a parent you must make sure they understand and never settled with someone that cheats !!!she probably has always been doing this and you just never knew ? im sure she cheated on you on her bacheloreetle party if she had one... poeple dont just cheat sure someone makes a mistake but serially cheating c'mom i have a hard time believing they will change especially since there have been no consequences when it comes to .. ofcourse she doesnt what you to leave you are the one making the money.. she will be remorseful but that is not the reason you go back its the value put on trust dont you see that !! sorry for being harsh i know its tough right now for you and NOT your fault . but if you go back knowing all this and it messes up your kids you then play a major role in it.. right now you have dont nothing wrong you are not perfect but you have not violated your vows .. one day she may cheat again and confince herself it was a mistake but she could also convince herself she loves the other man then what????
Thanks for all the insights, really appreciate it, as you said, no need to be harsh to make some points. It is so unfortunate that trust is not the same for everybody.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #317 ·
do it for us SMh how about doing it to rebuild trust and councelling to herself get rid of those tendecies smh
She promised a lot of things back then. I am still waiting for her proposal just to see what she will come up with. I already have a list of things that I know she will left out, just to tell her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #319 ·
OP, I want nothing more than the best for you and your son, but it seems like reality is not sinking in with you.

She lies and you accept it.
She gaslights and you accept it.
She has sex with other men and you accept it.
Her friends and family hide this from you and you accept it.

Her behavior is deplorable, but your behavior is weak... and to be honest, I think your problem is bigger than hers.

Being scared to contact the wives of those men that cheated with her, being scared to not be with her... your life is based on fear, yet you fear the wrong thing... you should fear staying with her, not being without her.

I think the only hope here is that she leaves you and you are forced to move on in a different direction.

If not, you will just accept her and allow her to repeatedly do this to you. You are setting yourself up for a years of pain unnecessarily.
I am working on myself currently. I have been coping with accepting the reality of things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #320 ·
it hurts me beacsue your a good guy trying your hardest to find a reason .any in many instances to justify staying . you say your kid is the reason so your willing to keep your kid in an unhealthy environment ???? SERIOUSLY if your kid was truly your reason their well being mentally emotionally etc would guide your actions. nowhere there does it suggest living them in a toxic environment.. the damage it will cause them is hard to imagine !!i have a friend who went through something like you , she cheated several times he forgave because of his daughter he belived she had changed and 20 yrs after he found out that was not the case .. it destroyed him he is the kinda guy that always wants or try to find a way to forgive .. the sad news is now his daughter sometimes blames him beacuse she is soo messed up now.. i know she only says it when she gets mad but it destroys him even further.. i think his daughter is so mad because now he is a mess and she misses her dad . she doesnt blame him for her mons actions just wished he had left long time ago because she says to me she always knew something but just thought it was her dad that was cold to mom and couldnt understand why he couldnt be like other dads who showed signs of loving their wife(he was that way when he went through periods of remembering and when his wife worked lsate or went on business trips) .. i know i know what your saying but it did affect her even though his reason was to stay. and now that he found out and left her it devastates him how much it hurt his daughter.. so please dont keep you son in an toxic environment.. trust is only built when 2 people are completley honest with themslves and the other person completley.

i know you dont want the other families to know but get your wife to tell them then when your around and record it...truth releases everyone and healing begins .. thats the problem with cheating it doesnt just affect the person that has been cheated on it affects alot of people and you see that now.. if you really want to heal eveybody involved needs to know and then you need to block and remove them all from your life and in my opinion see if your wife does it on her own accord- blocking them .. you never want to be in a position of telling them what to do your not their parent . i'm also surprised she hasnt done that already if she is truly remorseful ?? doenst make sense please help me understand why she hasnt ?? why she hasnt' blocked them all from her life..

moving forward means means just that ... clean slate if she cant tell the other SO then your helping her keep things again and that is the behaviour you dont want.. in my humble opionion if u dont want to let them know okay then just move on leave this lady and dont risk your sons mental status by staying with someone that you to be honest dont really know !! sorry gin for being harsh but im trying to be honest .. my friend would tell you the same thing its a lie you have convinved yourself of what it might be and thats just it , its a lie isnt that ironic ????
I appreciate you're expressing hurt for me, really. Regarding the unhealthy environment for the kid, we never fought or anything. I am not the type of person that engages in discussions, I get well easily. Our kid never saw us even having a minimal discussion, because there was never it.

Yeah, regarding the case of your friend, this is something I am afraid of as well. I wish all the best for my kid, and if that means we will definitively separate, so be it. I just dont see that (as of yet) as my only option, unfortunately. I wish to believe this was due to some mental break down or something, but I just dont know it.
 
301 - 320 of 434 Posts
Top